THE CORONAVIRUS, GENESIS REUNITE

BEING, AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT,

JOE BIDEN HAS RISEN FROM THE

DEAD.

SUPER TUESDAY WAS LIKE EASTER

SUNDAY FOR JOE BIDEN WHO STAGED

THE BIGGEST COME BACK SINCE

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

HE WON TEN STATES, INCLUDING

TEXAS AND MASSACHUSETTS WHERE HE

WASN'T EXPECTED TO DO WELL.

HE NOW HAS MORE DELEGATES THAN

ANY DEMOCRAT AND BIDEN REVEALED

HE IS ALSO THE BANANA ON THE

MASKED SINGER, SO THAT'S, IT

WASN'T ALL GREAT NEWS FOR YOE.

IMMEDI

THE VERY FIRST MOMENT OF HIS

CELEBRATION SPEECH WAS MARRED BY

THIS.

>> THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER

TUESDAY FOR NOTHING!

BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE

SISTER VALERIE, AND I'M JILL'S

HUSBAND.

OH, NO.

THEY WITCHED ON ME.

THIS IS MY WIFE, THIS IS MY

SISTER.

THEY WITCSWITCHED ON ME.

>> Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON'T MIX

UP THE HOTEL ROOM KEYS,

BECAUSE -- OH, BOY.

IT WAS A LOCKERSHOCKER OF THE D

BERNIE SANDERS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITED UNTIL THE

LAST SECOND TO DECIDE, IT WAS

LIKE A WEDDING CEREMONY ON "LOVE

IS BLIND."

IN CALIFORNIA, LINES WERE, SOME

VOTERS HERE IN LOS ANGELES

WAITED THREE HOURS TO VOTE, AND

IF I'M WAITING IN LINE FOR THREE

HOURS, I BETTER GET A POPEYE'S

CHICKEN SANDWICH AT THE END OF

IT.

THIS IS IS WWHAT IT WAS LIKE IN

SACRAMENTO LAST NIGHT WHERE ONE

UNLUCKY DAD LEARNED THE VALUE OF

THE WORDS "VOTE BY MAIL."

>> YOU'RE AT THE END OF THE

LINE.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT AN HONOR.

>> HOLD ON, DAD, I'M ON THE

NEWS.

I'M TRYING TO GET HIM TO COME

VOTE.

>> IT CLOSES IN TWO MINUTES.

>> NEVER MIND.

>> Jimmy: COULD HAVE BEEN THE

ONE THAT PUT TULSI GABBARD OVER

THE TOP.

IT'S ESSENTIALLY A TWO-MAN

CONTEST, JOE AND BERNIE FIGHTING

FOR THE NOMINATION LIKE IT'S THE

LAST BOWL OF JELL-O AT THE

SENIOR CENTER.

ISN'T YOUR LATE 70s A WEIRD TIME

TO START A NEW JOB?

THE ONLY JOB YOU SHOULD START IN

YOUR 70s IS WALMART GREETER.

WE ALREADY HAVE A RULE THAT YOU

CAN'T BE YOUNGER THAN 35 TO BE

PRESIDENT.

I THINK CONGRESS NEEDS TO CAP

THAT, TOO, AT AGE 70.

PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON,

NO ONE EXPECTED TO LIVE UNTIL

AGE 78.

THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY WAS

35 THEN.

BACK IN 1789, THEY MADE THE

MINIMUM AGE TO BE PRESIDENT 35.

MAYBE THEY DIDN'T WANT A

PRESIDENT, I DON'T KNOW.

BY THE WAY, WHY IS THE MINIMUM

AGE 35 IN IF WE WANT SOMEBODY

WHO'S 33 AND GREAT, WE CAN'T

HAVE THAT PERSON IS?

JESUS DIED AT 33.

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN INELIGIBLE TO

BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE THE REASON THAT WE

GO FOR THE OLD WHITE GUYS IS

BECAUSE WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP,

WE WERE TOLD THAT'S WHAT GOD

LOOKED LIKE.

AND NOW, BECAUSE OF HIS

RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK OBAMA,

JOE BIDEN IS VERY POPULAR WITH

AFRICAN-AMERICANS, AND BERNIE,

ONE OF THE REASONS HE WAS THIAB

TO DO SO WELL IS HE'S STRONG

WITH LATINOS.

PRESIDENT TRUMP THIS AFTERNOON

DEMONSTRATED HIS POWERFUL

COMMAND OF ESPANOL.

>> ALSO HERE THIS AFTERNOON IS

IS MIGUEL GUTIERREZ.

I

I'D LIKE TO ASK MIGUEL TO COME

UP AND GIVE US YOUR STORY.

>> Jimmy: ALL'S MIG-WELL THAT

ENDS MIG-WELL.

IT'S NOT LIKE A COMMON NAME.

GUILLERMO, HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU

KNOW NAMED MIGUEL?

>> Guillermo: ONLY ONE.

>> Jimmy: SEE?

AND'S FROM THERE.

OUR PRESIDENT ALSO KEPT BUSY ON

TWITTER.

HE POSTED A PICTURE OF MIKE

BLOOMBERG LICKING HIS FINGERS

WHILE EATING PIZZA.

HE WROTE, DON'T LICK YOUR DIRTY

FINGERS, BOTH UNSANITARY AND

DANGEROUS TO YOURSELF AND

OTHERS.

I THINK HE'S SURPRISED THEY ARE

BIG ENOUGH TO LICK.

I WANT TO LOOK AT THIS VIDEO

AGAIN.

THIS REALLY HAVE SOMETHING.

IT'S A CRAZY WEEK WHEN I AGREE

WITH THE PRESIDENT ON SOMETHING,

BUT THAT IS, I THINK HE JUST

STARTED THE DOMINOES RIEVIRUS

THERE.

THE NEW YORK MAYOR DROPPED OUT

OF THE RACE.

THE ONLY PLACE HE WON WAS

AMERICAN SAMOA.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER FOR

HIM TO JUST BUY AMERICAN SAMOA,

FOR THAT MUCH MONEY, THESE ARE

THE THINGS MIKE BLOOMBERG COULD

HAVE BOUGHT WITH $500 MILLION.

THIS ORIGINAL DA VINCI.

250 BU BOUGATTIS.

25 OF THOSE HEART OF THE OCEAN

NECKLACES FROM "TITANIC."

THE CALGARY FLAMES.

HE COULD HAVE PAID FOR ALL OF

TRUMP'S GOLF SINCE HE BECAME

PRESIDENT.

AND WHILE BLOOMBERG MAY NOW BE

OUT OF THE RACE HE DID RELEASE

ONE FINAL CAMPAIGN AD, WHICH,

HAD IT RUN, MAY HAVE PROVEN TO

BE HIS MOST EFFECTIVE YET.

>> AMERICA, OURS IS A NATION

FOUNDED ON IDEAS.

WE NEED A CANDIDATE WHO CAN WIN

VOTERS' HEARTS AND MINDS.

MIKE BLOOMBERG IS THAT

CANDIDATE.

HE'S THE ONLY DEMOCRAT RUNNING

WHOSE NAME YOU HEAR IN EVERY

SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK, EVERY

SINGLE TIME YOU TURN ON THE TV.

YOU'VE SEEN HEM THOUSANDS OF

TIMES.

BUT LOOK AT HIM.

REALLY, LOOK AT HIM.

LOOK DEEP INTO HIS EYES.

SURRENDER YOURSELF TO THE

INEVITABLE.

SUBMIT TO BLOOMBERG.

THERE IS ONLY BLOOMBERG.

BLOOM-BERG.

>> I'M MIKE BLOOMBERG, AND

YOU'LL DO AS I COMMAND.

>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS

NOT, I GUESS NOW WE WON'T.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO BLOOMBERG IS OUT.

HE ENDORSED JOE BIDEN TODAY.

AND THIS IS VERY CLEVER.

THEY HAVE A GREAT PLAN,

ACTUALLY, FOR THE UNSOLD

BLOOMBERG CAMPAIGN MERCHANDISE.

YOU KNOW HOW BECAUSE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS THERE'S A SHORTAGE

OF THOSE MASKS?

WELL, NOT ANYMORE THANKS TO

CLEVER TAILORING ON THE TEAM OF

TEAM BLOOM BERPG.

THERE YOU GO, PROBLEM SOLVED.

PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A WELL-KNOWN

GERM PHONEE

GERMAPHOBE, AND HE'S SAID TO BE

GOING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE

SAYING "I CAN'T GET SICK, I

CAN'T GET SICK", HE SUPPOSEDLY

BANNED SOME STAFFERS FROM HIS

OFFICE.

AND YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHO HE

BLAMES ON THE LIMITS FOR

TESTING.

>> OBAMA ADMINISTRATION MADE A

DECISION ON TESTING THAT TURNED

OUT TO BE VERY DETRIMENTAL ON

WHAT WE'RE DOING, AND WE UNDID

THAT DECISION A FEW DAYS AGO.

>> Jimmy: HE ALSO BLAMED

PRESIDENT OBAMA FOR POKEMON GO.

TRUMP HAS BEEN TELL ADVISING HIS

MEETINGS ON THIS.

HE HAD A ROUND TABLE WITH THE

CEOS OF THE AIRLINES DURING

WHICH HE PRESENTED THE BRIEGHT

SIDE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

>> IT'S AFFECTING THE AIRLINE

BUSINESS AS IT WOULD.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE STAYING

IN OUR COUNTRY, SHOPPING AND

USING OUR HOTELS IN THIS

COUNTRY.

SO FROM THAT TANSTANDPOINT I TH

THERE'S PROBABLY A POSITIVE

IMPACT.

>> Jimmy: RIGHT, AND GUESS WHO

OWNS HOTELS.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE SMARTEST MAN

IN THE WORLD.

MIKE PENCE GAVE A CORONAVIRUS

UPDATE.

HE BRAGGED THAT THEY HAVE, HE

SAID IN A POSITIVE WAY, WE HAVE

2500 TESTING KITS AVAILABLE.

THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S LIKE THE

SHIP IS SINKING, BUT DON'T

WORRY, WE HAVE AN INNER TUBE,

JUMP ON.

BUT THE PRESIDENT IS NOT WRONG.

PEOPLE ARE HOPPINSHOPPING A LOT

MOSTLY BUYING HAND SANITIZER,

WHICH YOU CANNOT FIND NOW

BECAUSE OF PANIC BUYING.

THIS IS A TEXT I GOT FROM JAMES

BABY DOLL DIXON.

HE WON'T FLY, HE WON'T DO

ANYTHING.

THIS PHOTO YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE

IS THE REAL PASSENGER SEAT OF

HIS CAR.

HE'S GOT CIGARETTES, TOWELETTES

AND DOUGHNUTS EVEN.

IF THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T GET

HIM, EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS CAR

WILL.

ALSO A BOTTLE OF COLOGNE IN THE

MIDDLE WHICH HE COULD GARGLE IN

A PINCH.

BE WELL, BABY DOLL.

SMOKE HARD AND EVERYTHING WILL

BE OKAY.

SOME SCUMBAGS ARE TAKING

ADVANTAGE OF THIS BY JACKING UP

PRICES FOR SANITIZER LIKE PURE

EL.

THIS IS LISTED ON AMAZON FOR

$99.

THEY GOT AROUND RULES BY LISTING

IT AS A COLLECTIBLE.

AND AN 24-PACK OF TRAVEL SIZE

PURELE.

LYFT REPORTED THEIR BIGGEST DAY

OF REVENUE EVER.

PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO USE PUBLIC

TRANSFORMATION.

MAYBE THE HONDA WITH THE BOWL OF

COMMUNITY BETH BREATH MINTS

ISN'T THE SOLUTION.

NOT EVERY COMPANY IS THRIVING,

ONE UNFORTUNATELY NAMED PRODUCT

HAS BEEN AN UNEXPECTED VICTIM OF

AMERICAN STUPIDITY.

>> SOME AMERICANS SAY THEY'RE

AVOIDING CORONA BEER BALLSECAUS

CORONAVIRUS.

MORE THAN A THIRD SAID THEY WILL

NOT GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.

>> Jimmy: REALLY?

REALLY IN A THIRD OF US?

THINK CORONA THE BEER IS CAUSING

THE VIRUS IN THAT'S LIKE

THINKING GATOR CAUSES AIDS.