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  • WE'RE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

  • STILL THERE.

  • >> ACT LIKE YOU CARE!

  • >> Stephen: I CARE.

  • I'M THROWING IT AWAY.

  • I'M THROWING IT AWAY, MAN.

  • I'M JUST THROWING IT AWAY-- HEY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CONAN.

  • SHOW ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO CARE ABOUT A GUEST.

  • SHOW ME.

  • >> I'LL SHOW YOU.

  • ( SIGHS ) I DON'T WANT TO-- I DON'T WANT

  • TO LEAVE, STEPHEN, BUT THE NETWORK HAS BUSINESS TO CONDUCT,

  • SO I HAVE TO GO.

  • SO WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK-- AND WE WILL COME BACK-- I'M GOING TO

  • SPEND MORE PRECIOUS TIME WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HE MEANS A LOT TO ME.

  • AND I KNOW HE DOES TO YOU.

  • NOW, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS WHOLE

  • "ASKING A QUESTION" THING.

  • >> Stephen: MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK, CONAN.

  • >> I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

  • MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE IN TROUBLE RIGHT NOW-- YOU'RE MAN

  • I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU.

  • >> Stephen: NOT ON THIS CAMERA.

  • ONLY ON YOUR CAMERA.

  • WHAT PEOPLE AT HOME DON'T KNOW, YOUR CAMERA, YOU'RE GETTING THE

  • FLOOR SHOW, BUT NOBODY UP THERE CAN SEE IT.

  • >> I CAN SEE EVERYTHING, AND MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU.

  • I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • >> A LOT OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRAINED RIGHT NOW.

  • HUSBANDS AND WIVES NOT GETTING ALONG TOGETHER.

  • >> Stephen: YUP.

  • >> HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

  • NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

  • EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

  • EVERYTHING-- HONEY, WOULD YOU COME IN HERE?

  • SHE'S TOO HAPPY TO COME IN.

  • SHE DOESN'T-- SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME IN.

  • >> YOU HAVEN'T EYES ON HER IN THREE DAYS, HAVE YOU?

  • >> Stephen: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, CONAN.

  • HOW ABOUT LIZA.

  • HOW ARE YOU GUYS GETTING ALONG?

  • >> WELL, LIZA AND I ARE DOING PRETTY WELL.

  • WE'RE DOING PRETTY WELL.

  • THERE WAS A PERIOD THERE WHERE IT GOT BAD, WHERE I TOOK

  • LIPSTICK AND DREW A FACE ON A BROOM, AND I WAS TALKING TO THAT

  • FOR A WHILE.

  • AND WE ACTUALLY-- OUR MARRIAGE FLUSHISHED FOR A WHILE UNDER

  • THOSE CONDITIONS.

  • THE BROOM AND I, WE'RE GETTING ALONG SO WELL.

  • >> Stephen: SHE SWEPT YOU OFF YOUR FEET.

  • >> OKAY!

  • OKAY, REALLY, OKAY.

  • >> Stephen: ANYTHING, ANYTHING TO FILL TIME.

  • >> HUGE.

  • >> Stephen: BUT IT REALLY IS LOVELY.

  • MY CHILDREN ARE ADULTS.

  • THEY'RE BEING VERY PATIENT WITH ME.

  • MY YOUNGEST IS 18.

  • AND MY OLDEST ONE, LIKE, PETER IS-- WHAT ARE YOU, 45?

  • OLDEST BOY.

  • HE'S 21.

  • MY DAUGHTER IS 24?

  • 24, RIGHT?

  • SHE'S GOING TO BE SO MAD THEY HAD TO GUESS.

  • SHE'S 24.

  • AND WE'RE KIND OF HAVING TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY.

  • THEY DESERVE TO NOT HAVE US ON-- YOU KNOW, HOVERING OVER THEM ALL

  • THE TIME.

  • THEY'RE ACTUALLY-- THEY'RE REALLY QUITE SELF-ACTUALIZED,

  • MUCH MORE THAN I WAS AT THAT AGE.

  • WE WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY BUT WE CAN'T.

  • >> MY SON IS FLOURISHING IN THIS ENVIRONMENT, BECAUSE HE LOVES--

  • HE'S 14.

  • HE LOVES TECH.

  • SO HE'S WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER.

  • HE'S CODING.

  • HE'S TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS.

  • HE'S-- HE'S-- ACTUALLY LOVING IT.

  • I MEAN, HE HATES THAT THERE'S A PANDEMIC, BUT HE'S DOING REALLY

  • WELL.

  • BOTH MY KIDS ARE DOING REALLY WELL.

  • THEY'RE VERY BUSY.

  • THEY'RE NOT AS NEEDY AS I AM.

  • >> Stephen: I'VE GOT A QUESTION BEFORE WE GO HERE,

  • CONAN AND I KNOW-- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO BECAUSE I'M DOING "THE

  • DICK CAVETT SHOW" RIGHT AFTER THIS.

  • >> FANTASTIC.

  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MAD AT BOB DYLAN?

  • >> UH... MAD AT HIM?

  • >> Stephen: BECAUSE I'M FURIOUS AT BOB DYLAN RIGHT NOW.

  • >> WHY.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW HE DID THAT 17-MINUTE J.F.K. SONG IN

  • RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO DO A PARODY OF "HOME SICK BLUES."

  • AND DYLAN SAID IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, "YOU MAY NOT DO THAT."

  • NEUTRON BOMB A LAWSUIT.

  • I DON'T THINK THAT'S NICE.

  • HOW OLD IS THAT SONG?

  • LET THE REST OF US HAVE A CRACK AT IT.

  • >> I HAVE ONE BOB DYLAN STORY.

  • A BUNCH OF YEARS AGO I WENT TO A BOB DYLAN CONCERT, AND I WAS SIT

  • AGO I WAS BACKSTAGE, AND IT WAS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND MY GOOD

  • FRIEND AND GUITARIST, JIMMY VIVINO SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO

  • MEET BOB?" AND I SAID, "I'M NOT READY TO

  • MEET BOB."

  • AND HE SAID, "LET'S GO."

  • I GOT DRAGGED INTO THIS ROOM AND SUDDENLY PEOPLE PARTED AND I WAS

  • FACE TO FACE WITH BOB DYLAN.

  • AND IT WAS WHEN HE HAD THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE, LIKE A VILLAIN

  • IN A 1920s MOVIE.

  • HE HAD THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE, AND HE LOOKED AT ME.

  • AND I SAID, "OH, HELLO, MR. DYLAN"

  • AND HE WENT, "I KNOW YOU FROM THE TV!"

  • AND JUST THEN, I WAS WHISKED OUT OF THE ROOM.

  • AND THAT WAS MY ONLY CONTACT WITH BOB DYLAN.

  • "I KNOW YOU FROM THE TV!" HE SAID IT JUST LIKE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A PRETTY GOOD

  • SONG, ACTUALLY.

  • >> IT SHOULD BE ONE OF HIS SONGS.

  • WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

  • >> Stephen: SO, THIS IS-- THIS IS-- I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU A

  • TASTE OF WHAT AMERICA WILL NEVER HEAR.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY?

  • OKAY...

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ COME ON!

  • I UNDERSTAND THAT SONG PARODY IS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMAN

  • ENTERTAINMENT, BUT THAT'S DAMN FINE!

  • >> YEAH... I THINK-- ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: COME ON, BOB!

  • >> SO, YOU'RE USING -- >> Stephen: THIS COULD HEAL A

  • NATION.

  • >> NO, NO.

  • YOU'D HAVE A LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE

  • TALKING ABOUT.

  • IT'S GOT TO BE A CARDI B. SONG.

  • >> Stephen: I'M ON CBS, CONAN.

  • >> IT'S GOT TO BE DUALEAPA.

  • YOU HAVE TO BRING IT UP.

  • YOU CAN'T BE SAYING, "HEY, KIDS.

  • IT'S TIME I TOOK DOWN BOB DYLAN."

  • >> >> Stephen: I'M NOT TAKING

  • HIM DOWN!

  • I'M CELEBRATING BOB DYLAN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

  • YOU'RE A LONG WAY-- I'M ANGRY AT BOB DYLAN.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • YOU'VE GOT A GUITAR OVER YOUR SHOULDER, AND I DON'T KNOW, I'M

  • NOT BEING FAIR TO YOU, AND I APOLOGIZE TO YOU, CONAN?

  • CONAN.

  • >> ARE YOU CRYING NOW?

  • YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE CRYING.

  • I LOVE IN OUR INTERVIEW WE GOT THE WORD OUT HOW THE GREAT HOLY

  • CROSS COLLEGE IS.

  • >> Stephen: IF NOTHING ELSE-- >> HALF MY FAMILY WENT TO HOLY

  • CROSS AND THEY CALL IT "THE CROSS."

  • >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

  • >> WHEN I DIDN'T GO TO THE "THE CROSS" I HAD AN UNCLE WHO SAID,

  • WHAT, ARE YOU DOING?

  • THE CROSS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

  • >> Stephen: YOU WENT TO THE VARD, RIGHT?

  • >> YES, PEOPLE IN THE KNOW CALL HARVARD "THE VARD."

  • THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE CALL IT, PEOPLE IN THE KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: CONAN, AGAIN, I'M A GUEST ON YOUR SHOW RIGHT NOW--

  • >> AND YOU'RE A GUEST ON MINE.

  • >> Stephen: HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT PART OF THIS

  • MAKE IT ON AIR?

  • YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN I GET BOTH SIDES AND YOU GET BOTH

  • SIDES AND I EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND YOU EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND WE

  • COMPARE IT LATER.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERVIEWS.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO BE IN MY VERSION.

  • WE'RE GOING TO REPLACEUE I'M GOING TO REPLACE WITH YOU STOCK

  • FOOTAGE.

  • >> Stephen: EXCELLENT.

  • OF A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE?

  • >> YEAH A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE.

  • AND IT'S GOING TO GO VIRAL THE NEXT DAY.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

  • IS THAT IT?

  • IS THAT THE IDEA?

WE'RE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

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