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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?

  • I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

  • BECAUSE I AM ALONE.

  • SO ALONE.

  • I'M ALONE, RIGHT, PETE?

  • >> OH, YOU ARE SO ALONE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • NOW AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY BLUE BLAZER I'M ALL CRESSED UP FOR A

  • COCKTAIL PARTY, BUT EVIDENTLY, THE NETWORK THINKS WE SHOULD DO

  • A SHOW.

  • WHAT'S UP?

  • OKAY, HERE'S BIG NEWS.

  • IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY THERE'S BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THERE

  • IS NO DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BECAUSE TODAY, SENATOR BERNIE

  • SANDERS ANNOUNCED HE WAS DROPPING OUT OF THE 2020

  • DEMOCRATIC RACE.

  • I GUESS DURING A PANDEMIC, CRAZY IDEAS LIKE MEDICARE FOR ALL JUST

  • DON'T RESONATE.

  • BERNIE ADDRESSED HIS SUPPORTERS THIS AFTERNOON IN A LIVE STREAM.

  • >> I WANT TO THANK THE MANY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF

  • AMERICANS WHO ATTENDED OUR RALLIES, TOWN MEETINGS, AND

  • HOUSE PARTIES FROM NEW YORK TO CALIFORNIA.

  • SOME OF THESE EVENTS HAD OVER 25,000 PEOPLE.

  • SOME HAD A FEW HUNDRED.

  • SOME HAD A DOZEN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LISTENING TO BERNIE MAKES ME NOSTALGIC FOR

  • A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN ANYTHING SEEMED POSSIBLE, LIKE HAVING A

  • DOZEN PEOPLE IN A ROOM.

  • BERNIE WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO HIS

  • GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT.

  • >> I WANT TO THANK THE TWO MILLION AMERICANS WHO HAVE

  • CONTRIBUTED FINANCIALLY TO OUR CAMPAIGN.

  • THANK YOU FOR YOUR TEN MILLION CONTRIBUTIONS AVERAGING $18.50.

  • >> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) $18.50, WHICH I AM TOLD THESE

  • DAYS IS ENOUGH TO GET YOU HALF A CLOROX WIPE."

  • I'M GOING TO MISS THAT.

  • SANDERS MADE SURE HIS SUPPORTERS KNEW THAT THE FIGHT FOR ECONOMIC

  • JUSTICE IS NOT OVER.

  • >> NELSON MANDELA, ONE OF THE GREAT FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN MODERN

  • WORLD HISTORY, FAMOUSLY SAID-- AND I QUOTE-- "IT ALWAYS SEEMS

  • IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT'S DONE."

  • >> Stephen: TO WHICH JOE BIDEN REPLIED:

  • ( AS BIDEN ) "HEY, MY OLD BUDDY NELSON!

  • YOU KNOW I GOT ARRESTED WITH HIM IN WAKANDA!"

  • THEN BERNIE BROKE THE HARD NEWS AS GENTLY AS HE COULD.

  • >> I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU BETTER NEWS, BUT I THINK YOU

  • KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THAT IS THAT WE ARE NOW SOME 300 DELEGATES

  • BEHIND VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND THE PATH TOWARD VICTORY IS

  • VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

  • >> Stephen: BERNIE SANDERS IS SAYING BERNIE SANDERS CAN'T

  • WIN?

  • MAN, HE IS GOING TO CATCH HELL FROM BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTERS.

  • NOW, I'LL BE SPEAKING WITH SENATOR SANDERS LATER TONIGHT,

  • HIS FIRST INTERVIEW FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMET.

  • THIS WILL BE THE FANth TIME I INTERVIEWED HIM.

  • I WILL THANK HIM FOR HIS CAMPAIGN, AND PRESENT HIM WITH

  • HIS COLBERT LOYALTY CARD, DIAMOND CLASS MEMBERSHIP.

  • BAD NEWS, BERNIE, ONLY 1% OF MY GUESTS GET THAT!

  • TURNS OUT, BERNIE'S LAST PRIMARY WAS YESTERDAY IN WISCONSIN.

  • AND IT WAS ODD.

  • I WOULD CALL SO FAR AS TO CALL IT A CLUSTER-ODD.

  • SEE, THERE'S THIS PANDEMIC-- MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.

  • BUT DESPITE THAT, THE WISCONSIN G.O.P. FORCED THE STATE TO HOLD

  • THE ELECTION YESTERDAY.

  • MAKING PEOPLE STAND IN LINE FOR HOURS ON END IN THE MIDDLE OF A

  • PANDEMIC IS CLEARLY VOTER ENDANGERMENT.

  • REMEMBER LINCOLN'S IMMORTAL WORDS:

  • "GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE,

  • SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.

  • AS LONG AS YOU DON'T VOTE IN A PANDEMIC.

  • STAY SOMEPLACE SAFE, LIKE A THEATER."

  • TOO SOON?

  • NOW, ALMOST ALL OF THE POLLING STATIONS WERE CLOSED BECAUSE

  • POLL WORKERS DIDN'T FEEL SAFE.

  • BUT REPUBLICAN ASSEMBLY SPEAKER ROBIN VOS CALMED FEARS BY

  • TELLING VOTERS, "YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE TO GO OUT."

  • WOW, THAT IS REASSURING.

  • OH, I'M BEING TOLD WE ACTUALLY HAVE THAT STATEMENT ON VIDEO.

  • JIM, LET'S WATCH HIM MAKING THAT REASSURING STATEMENT.

  • >> YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE TO GO OUT.

  • >> Stephen: YES, PAY NO ATTENTION TO HIS FACE MASK,

  • GLOVES, AND FULL SURGICAL OUTFIT.

  • YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE.

  • AND THE WISCONSIN FIRE MARSHALL ISSUED THIS FOLLOW-UP

  • ANNOUNCEMENT: >> THE FIRE IS UNDER CONTROL!

  • EVERYBODY BACK IN THE BARN!

  • >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF FLAMING IDIOTS, DONALD TRUMP.

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS CAUGHT A LOT OF BLAME FOR HIS LATE RESPONSE

  • TO THE CORONAVIRUS, BUT AT YESTERDAY'S DAILY SHOUT-FEST, HE

  • ADDRESSED THAT CRITICISM HEAD ON BY SAYING, "LOOK OVER THERE."

  • >> THE W.H.O.-- THAT'S THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION-- THEY HAVE

  • BEEN WRONG ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.

  • AND THEY HAD A LOT OF INFORMATION EARLY.

  • THEY CALLED IT WRONG.

  • THEY CALLED IT WRONG.

  • THEY REALLY-- THEY MISSED THE CALL.

  • THEY COULD HAVE CALLED IT MONTHS EARLIER.

  • THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN, AND THEY SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

  • AND THEY PROBABLY DID KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK HE'S PROJECTING.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "THE W.H.O. TOTALLY SHANKED IT

  • ON CORONAVIRUS.

  • AND THE WAY THEY TREATED THEIR FIRST WIFE TOTAL DISGRACE.

  • BY THE WAY, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE 239 POUNDS, W.H.O.

  • NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.

  • IT'S SAD.

  • IT'S-- IT'S SAD."

  • TRUMP PROMISED HE WOULD MAKE THE W.H.O. PAY FOR THE THINGS THAT

  • HE CLAIMS THEY DID OR DID NOT DO.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO PUT A HOLD ON MONEY SENT TO THE W.H.O.-- WE'RE

  • GOING TO PUT A VERY POWERFUL HOLD ON IT.

  • >> Stephen: YES, HE IS GOING TO CUT OFF AMERICA'S CONTRIBUTION

  • TO THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DURING A PANDEMIC.

  • "HELP I'M BEING ROBBED.

  • QUICK, FIRE THE POLICE!" IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL MOVE, BUT

  • THE PRESIDENT STUCK TO HIS GUNS, FOR 16 MINUTES, AND THEN

  • HE SAID THIS.

  • >> IS THE TIME TO FREEZE FUNDING TO THE W.H.O. DURING A

  • PANDEMIC?

  • >> NO, MAYBE NOT.

  • I'M NOT SAYING I'M GOING TO DO IT, BUT I'M GOING TO LOOK

  • AT IT.

  • I SAID WE WILL LOOK AT IT.

  • >> YOU DID SAY-- >> NO, I DIDN'T.

  • >> Stephen: YES, YOU DID!

  • HE'S REWRITING HISTORY IN THE SAME PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE

  • MADE IT.

  • THIS IS LIKE J.F.K. SAYING THIS: >> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON

  • IN THIS DECADE AND DO THE OTHER THINGS, NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE

  • EASY, BUT BECAUSE-- WAIT, WHO SAID WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON?

  • NO WE'RE NOT.

  • STANLEY KUBRICK'S GOING TO FAKE IT.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, THE W.H.O.

  • DID NOT IGNORE EARLY WARNINGS ABOUT COVID-19.

  • DONALD TRUMP DID.

  • YESTERDAY, TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY HE DIDN'T ACT ON THE WARNINGS.

  • >> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, I AM A CHEERLEADER FOR THIS

  • COUNTRY.

  • I DON'T WANT TO CREATE HAVOC AND SHOCK AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

  • I THINK A PRESIDENT HAS TO BE A CHEERLEADER FOR THEIR COUNTRY.

  • >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, SIR, PLEASE DON'T FORCE MY GRAPHICS

  • DEPARTMENT TO PHOTOSHOP DONALD TRUMP WEARING A CHEERLEADING--

  • OKAY, OH, MY GOD!

  • JIMMY, PLEASE, TAKE IT DOWN!

  • THANK YOU.

  • SECOND, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A CHEERLEADER.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS A QUARTERBACK.

  • TOM BRADY DOESN'T PULL EVERYBODY INTO THE HUDDLE AND SAY, "OKAY,

  • BRING IT IN, GUYS.

  • I'VE GOT A THEORY IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS WHEN IT GETS WARMER, THE

  • OTHER TEAMS ARE GOING TO GO AWAY LIKE A MIRACLE.

  • OKAY, READY?

  • DO NOTHING.

  • WAS THAT LOUD?

  • WAS THAT LOUD.

  • HEY, THERE WAS A MAJOR WHITE HOUSE STAFF DEPARTURE YESTERDAY.

  • WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE GRISHAM-- NOT SEEN

  • HERE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HER.

  • THIS IS STEPHANIE GRISHAM.

  • YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE IN HER NINE MONTHS ON THE JOB,

  • GRISHAM NEVER HELD A DAILY PRESS BRIEFING.

  • IN NINE MONTHS, SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT AND HAD THE

  • BABY-- AND MAYBE SHE DID, BECAUSE SHE NEVER HAD A PRESS

  • BRIEFING.

  • HOW WOULD WE KNOW.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "CHOOSE A JOB YOU DON'T HAVE TO

  • DO, AND YOU'LL NEVER WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE."

  • SO WHO'S TAKING GRISHAM'S PLACE?

  • WELL, TRUMP'S FOURTH PRESS SECRETARY WILL BE TRUMP CAMPAIGN

  • SPOKESPERSON AND DISCOUNT IVANKA HALLOWEEN COSTUME,

  • KAYLEIGH McENANY.

  • McENANY HAS JUST STARTED THE JOB, BUT SHE PROVED SIX WEEKS

  • AGO THAT SHE'S READY TO MISINFORM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ON

  • DAY ONE.

  • >> THIS PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS PUT AMERICA FIRST.

  • HE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT AMERICAN CITIZENS.

  • WE WILL NOT SEE DISEASES LIKE THE CORONAVIRUS COME HERE.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, THAT DID NOT AGE WELL.

  • BUT SHE WAS HALF RIGHT.

  • WHEN IT COMES TO THE PANDEMIC, TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY PUT AMERICA

  • FIRST.

  • BUT THERE IS SOME PROMISING NEWS WHEN IT COMES TO TREATING

  • COVID-19, BECAUSE A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS

  • CAN BENEFIT FROM A BLOOD TRANSFUSION FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS

  • RECOVERED FROM THE DISEASE.

  • AMAZING.

  • PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT, TOM HANKS, WE ARE

  • COMING FOR YOUR BLOOD.

  • THE NEW TREATMENT INVOLVES HARVESTING DISEASE-RESISTANT

  • ANTIBODIES AND INJECTING THEM IN SOMEONE WHO'S CURRENTLY FIGHTING

  • COVID-19.

  • AND IN THE CASE OF ONE TEST SUBJECT, "11 DAYS AFTER HIS

  • FIRST SYMPTOMS HAD APPEARED, HE RECEIVED AN INFUSION OF

  • SO-CALLED CONVALESCENT PLASMA, AND THE FOLLOWING DAY, HIS BLOOD

  • TESTED NEGATIVE FOR INFECTION."

  • OKAY, BLOOD IS THE CURE.

  • SO IT'S TIME TO ISSUE A LONG-OVERDUE FORMAL APOLOGY TO

  • VAMPIRES.

  • VAMPIRES, I'M SORRY.

  • PLEASE FORGIVE US, YOU INSATIABLE PRINCES OF DARKNESS.

  • ALL THIS TIME, WE CALLED YOU MONSTERS FOR ABDUCTING YOUNG

  • PEOPLE AND SUCKING THEM DRY LIKE CAPRI SUNS.

  • WHEN ALL THIS TIME, YOU WERE JUST PRACTICING SELF-CARE.

  • SORRY ABOUT THE STAKES THROUGH THE HEART.

  • MY BOOD.

  • NOW, LAST WEEK, TO STOP THE TRANSMISSION OF CORONAVIRUS, THE

  • C.D.C. ISSUED NEW GUIDELINES SAYING IF YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE

  • YOUR HOUSE, YOU SHOULD WEAR A MASK.

  • BUT IF YOU WEAR ONE TO THE BANK, BE SURE TO ALSO WEAR A T-SHIRT

  • THAT SAYS, "NOT A ROBBER."

  • BUT, OF COURSE, THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF MASKS FOR HEALTHCARE

  • WORKERS, SO THE NEW C.D.C.

  • GUIDELINES EXPLICITLY TELL PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM AT HOME FROM

  • COMMON MATERIALS.

  • SO, JUST MAKE THE MASKS OUT OF THE STUFF YOU HOARDED, LIKE

  • EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLLS.

  • WELL, TO GET THE WORD OUT THERE THAT WE ALL NEED TO BE COVERING

  • OUR FACES, A GROUP OF CONCERNED CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN

  • PRO-MASK HAS JUST RELEASED THIS NEW P.S.A.:

  • >> THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SOCIETY OF

  • SUPER VILLAINS REGARDING COVID-19.

  • >> REMEMBER TO WEAR A MASK AT ALL TIMES WHEN IN CONTACT WITH

  • STRANGERS, NO MATTER HOW DELICIOUS THEY LOOK.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> IF YOUR MASK HAS A

  • RESPIRATOR, LIKE MINE, BEST TO GIVE THAT TO MEDICAL

  • PROFESSIONALS.

  • >> IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SEWING MACHINE, DO WHAT I DID-- LAYER A

  • T-SHIRT UNDER A HOCKEY MASK.

  • >> BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MASK?

  • DOES THIS WORK?

  • >> NO, IT'S GOT TO COVER YOUR MOUTH.

  • >> NO ONE COMES TO THE OPERA ANYWAY, SO I'M SAFE.

  • >> SO, REMEMBER, WEAR A MASK.

  • >> BECAUSE F FEWER PEOPLE WHO GE SICK FEWER WE CAN TERRORIZE, AND

  • THAT'S NOT A WORLD ANY OF US WANT TO DESTROY.

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL HAVE THE FIRST INTERVIEW WITH SENATOR

  • BERNIE SANDERS SINCE HIS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.

  • STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

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Sen. Bernie Sanders, Bowing Out Of The Race, Gently Breaks The News To Supporters

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/04/15
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