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  • >> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY SON PETER WHO IS MY CREW.

  • MY WIFE IS OUT GETTING ME A COCKTAIL.

  • IT'S THE LAST SHOW OF THE WEEK.

  • I NORMALLY HAVE A COCKTAIL AT THE END OF THE LAST SHOW OF THE

  • WEEK, BUT YOU KNOWçó WHAT?

  • I DON'T THINK I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.

  • HAPPY THURSDAY.

  • YOU SEE, DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION, I'VE

  • ASKED MY WRITERS TO MARK THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SO WHEN I READ

  • THIS SCRIPT I'LL KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.

  • THURSDAY.

  • TODAY-- WHICH, AGAIN, IS THURSDAY, STEPHEN-- THE

  • CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO RAVAGE THE COUNTRY.

  • BUT THERE ARE SIGNS THAT SOCIAL DISTANCING IS WORKING, THOUGH

  • THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL ANY TIME SOON-- OR

  • MAYBE EVER.

  • AT LEAST ACCORDING TO IMMUNOLOGIST AND MAN WHO JUST

  • REALIZED HE'S TOUCHING HIS FACE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • THIS IS -- I MARRIED THE RIGHT GIRL.

  • CHEERS.

  • MMM!

  • OH, YEAH.

  • THAT IS LOVELY.

  • WHOO -- FRUIT OF THE VIERNTION WORK OF THE HUMAN HANDS, IT

  • SHALL BECOME FOR US OUR SPIRITUAL DRINK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, FAUCI EXPLAINED THAT

  • WE'VE GOT TO TAKE IT SLOW.

  • >> WHEN YOU GRADUALLY GET BACK, YOU DON'T JUMP INTO IT WITH BOTH

  • FEET.

  • YOU SAY, YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU COULD STILL DO AND

  • STILL APPROACH NORMAL?

  • ONE OF THEM IS ABSOLUTE COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, DR. FAUCI WANTS COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING TO BE

  • THE NEW NORMAL, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVE

  • COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

  • CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE -- YOU'RE LAUGHING.

  • YOU'RE LAUGHING.

  • NOT AT THE JOKE, YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME.

  • ALL RIGHT, DO EITHER ONE OF YOU WANT TO GET IN HERE, BY THE WAY,

  • OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LURK IN THE DOORWAY?

  • ANYBODY WANT TO GET BACK IN HERE?

  • OKAY, THIS IS ALL GOING TO BE IN THE SHOW.

  • ARE YOU GOING TO STAY OVER THERE OR COME IN HERE?

  • ARE YOU AFRAID I'M GOING TO BITE?

  • IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK, I'M SURE IT HAS BEEN FOR YOU, TOO.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS STILL -- YEAH, I JUST WANT TO

  • MAKE SURE THEY HADN'T SWITCHED IT OUT.

  • DR. FAUCI WANTS PULSATIVE HAND WASHINGTON NORMAL.

  • WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

  • DISORDER. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

  • ORDER." ALSO BEING RECOMMENDED BY THE C.D.C. NEXT: COUNTING THE

  • TILES ON YOUR KITCHEN FLOOR AND MAKING SURE YOUR SHOES ALL FACE

  • NORTH.

  • FAUCI WENT ON: >> THE OTHER ONE IS YOU DON'T

  • EVER SHAKE ANYBODY'S HANDS.

  • THAT'S CLEAR.

  • I DON'T THINK THAT WE SHOULD EVER SHAKE HANDS EVER AGAIN, TO

  • BE HONEST WITH YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: NEVER SHAKE HANDS.

  • THAT IS BAD NEWS FOR THE SECRET SOCIETIES.

  • "WELCOME TO THE EXALTED BROTHERHOOD.

  • WE SHALL NOW ANOINT YOU WITH THE SCEPTER OF REBIRTH, AND TEACH

  • YOU THE SECRET... ELBOW BUMP."

  • WILL THAT DO?

  • WILL THAT -- ENRIQUE BLOOMENCROFTON...

  • THERE ARE SOME OTHER UNEXPECTED SILVER LININGS TO THIS.

  • AFTER FIVE YEARS OF BRUTAL CONFLICT SAUDI ARABIA AND YEMEN

  • HAVE ANNOUNCED A CEASE-FIRE AMID THE PANDEMIC.

  • YES, THEY KNOW RIGHT NOW IS JUST NOT A SAFE TIME TO KILL EACH

  • OTHER.

  • IN PREDICTABLE PANDEMIC NEWS, A NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT POT USE

  • REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN MARCH AMID LOCKDOWN MEASURES.

  • REALLY, ALL-TIME HIGH?

  • YOU WEREN'T WITH ME, CHIEF BIG BONG AND THE WARRIOR BACK IN '82

  • HOT-BOXING OUT AT THE POINT.

  • THAT WAS THE ALL-TIME HIGH.

  • WHOO!

  • I'M JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.

  • IT MAKES SENSE THAT THESE DAYS A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTING STRESS

  • BAKED.

  • YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE COUCH ALL DAY, IN YOUR PAJAMAS, WATCHING

  • NETFLIX AND EATING BEEFARONI OUT OF A CAN.

  • HEY, IT'S COVID-420 SOMEWHERE.

  • BUT BE CAREFUL POT-THUSIASTS.

  • THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DOING ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU COUGH

  • AND BE PARANOID.

  • SO STOP SMOKING.

  • EAT EDIBLES INSTEAD.

  • OR IF THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, TRY SNOOP DOGG'S NEW LINE OF

  • SU-POT-SITORIES.

  • PUT THE SHIZZLE UP YOUR BIZZLE!

  • TRY THE TUSH KUSH.

  • OF COURSE, ALL THE EXPERTS AGREE THAT THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS

  • PANDEMIC IS TO INCREASE, IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE, WIDELY-AVAILABLE

  • TESTING.

  • SO, YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WILL END

  • FEDERAL SUPPORT FOR CORONAVIRUS-TESTING SITES ON

  • FRIDAY.

  • WHY IS TRUMP OPPOSED TO THE TESTING?

  • THEY'RE CORONAVIRUS TESTS, NOT PATERNITY TESTS.

  • INSTEAD, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL BE TRANSITIONING TO

  • STATE-MANAGED TESTING SITES, PART OF TRUMP'S STRATEGY TO

  • SHIFT RESPONSIBILITY TO STATES.

  • OH, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME WAY TO COORDINATE AMONG THE STATES,

  • SOME WAY TO, I DON'T KNOW, UNITE THE STATES OF AMERICA UNDER ONE

  • GOVERNMENT THAT HAD, LET'S SAY, AN EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY

  • ON A FEDERAL LEVEL.

  • I JUST WANT TO SAY, "HECK OF A JOB, TRUMPIE."

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT IS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

  • HE'S FACING THE PROSPECT OF RUNNING FOR REELECTION AFTER

  • BOTCHING THE RESPONSE TO A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

  • SO IT'S NO SURPRISE HE WANTS TO GET THE ECONOMY UP AND RUNNING

  • AGAIN, BUT THIS TWEET MAY HAVE BEEN A TAD INSENSITIVE.

  • "ONCE WE OPEN UP OUR GREAT COUNTRY, AND IT WILL BE SOONER

  • RATHER THAN LATER, THE HORROR OF THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, EXCEPT FOR

  • THOSE THAT SADLY LOST A FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND, MUST BE

  • QUICKLY FORGOTTEN."

  • YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "THOSE WHO FORGET THE PAST, ARE MORE

  • LIKELY TO VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP."

  • WITH EVERYONE STAYING HOME TO STOP THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE

  • BEING HIT HARD BY JOB LOSSES.

  • 16 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE FILED FOR UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE PAST THREE

  • WEEKS.

  • AND WITH SO MANY PEOPLE FILING FOR UNEMPLOYMENT, IT'S

  • OVERLOADING THE SYSTEM.

  • ONE PERSON RECENTLY LAID OFF IN TEXAS SAID SHE, "HAD NOT MANAGED

  • TO FILE DESPITE MORE THAN 1,200 ATTEMPTS, SOME AT 1:00 A.M."

  • BEING OUT OF A JOB SHOULD NOT BE A FULL-TIME JOB.

  • THANKFULLY, MANY AMERICANS ARE STILL WORKING, AND SOME OF THEM

  • ARE RISKING THEIR LIVES TO HELP US THROUGH THIS CRISIS.

  • INCLUDING FAST FOOD WORKERS WHO ARE GOING ON STRIKE

  • DEMANDING PAID SICK LEAVE AND MORE PROTECTIONS AT WORK.

  • EVIDENTLY, THOSE HAIRNETS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.

  • WORKERS ARE WALKING OUT AT MCDONALD'S, PIZZA HUT, SUBWAY,

  • POPEYE'S, DOMINO'S, BURGER KING, AND TACO BELL, ASKING FOR MASKS,

  • GLOVES, SOAP, AND TWO WEEKS OF PAID SICK LEAVE TO WORKERS

  • EXPOSED TO COVID-19.

  • I WANT THEM TO HAVE THOSE THINGS.

  • I DON'T WANT A CONTAGIOUS PERSON MAKING MY NACHOS!

  • IF I GET SICK FROM EATING AT TACO BELL, I WANT IT TO BE

  • BECAUSE I ATE TACO BELL!

  • AS GOD INTENDED.

  • SPEAKING OF GOD -- HERE'S TO YOU, BIG FELLA -- I JUST WANT TO

  • SAY TO MY JEWISH VIEWERS, MERRY PASSOVER.

  • TONIGHT'S THE SECOND NIGHT OF PASSOVER.

  • I THINK IT GOES "TWO RABBIS A-LEAPIN'."

  • NOW, IF YOU'RE OBSERVING PASSOVER, YOU'RE HOLDING SEDER.

  • AND THAT BIG FAMILY MEAL MAY HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT THIS YEAR,

  • BECAUSE MANY ARE OPTING TO HOLD THEIR SEDERS ON ZOOM.

  • OF COURSE, TONIGHT STARTED WITH THE TRADITIONAL JEWISH PRAYER

  • OF, "NANA, YOU'RE MUTED!" THE SEDER TELLS THE STORY OF THE

  • ISRAELITES ESCAPING SLAVERY IN EGYPT.

  • IT'S ALL ABOUT PLAGUES.

  • WE CAN RELATE.

  • I'VE BEEN PUTTING LAMB'S BLOOD ON MY DOOR FRAME JUST TO WARD

  • OFF GRUB HUB.

  • I'VE GOT TO CUT OUT THE CARBS.

  • TRADITIONALLY, ON PASSOVER, YOU SAVE A PLACE FOR ELIJAH AND

  • SOMEONE GETS UP AND CHECKS TO SEE IF HE'S AT THE DOOR.

  • BUT THIS YEAR, IF HE'S THERE, DON'T LET HIM IN.

  • HE'S 3,000 YEARS OLD.

  • EASTER IS ALSO THIS WEEKEND.

  • AND IT'S GOING TO BE A STRANGE ONE.■

  • INSTEAD OF CELEBRATING IN THE CHURCH, WE'LL BE CELEBRATING IN

  • SWEATPANTS.

  • OR IN NO PANTS.

  • DEPENDS ON YOUR DENOMINATION.

  • RECENTLY, THE VATICAN PUBLISHED GUIDELINES FOR EASTER

  • CELEBRATIONS DURING CORONAVIRUS, INCLUDING A DECREE FOR PRIESTS

  • SAYING THEY MAY OFFER THE LITURGIES IN THEIR PARISHES