Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I HOPE YOU'RE SAFE AND SOUND.

  • WE'RE ENDERRING WEEK FOUR OF SELF-ISOLATION.

  • OR, AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL IT, "CANNED BEEF WEEK."

  • GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND HEALTH EXPERTS ARE WARNING THAT THIS IS

  • GOING TO BE THE TOUGHEST WEEK YET OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • A LOT OF AMERICANS ARE GOING TO GET THIS, AND SOME OF THEM ARE

  • GOING TO DIE.

  • I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES ARE IN OUR

  • THOUGHTS, AND IF YOU WANT THEM, MY PRAYERS.

  • BUT I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT WHY YOU TUNED IN TONIGHT.

  • YOU'RE HERE FOR THE JOKES.

  • SO LET'S GIVE THAT A SHOT.

  • THERE IS ONE OPTIMIST IN THIS SEA OF SOBER REALITY: DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • AFTER SAYING YESTERDAY THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH WEEK,

  • THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, "LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CAN I HELP YOU?

  • HOLD ON.

  • LOOK WHO JUST GOT HERE!

  • LOOK WHO RUINED MY FIRST TAKE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S OKAY.

  • IT'S OKAY.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • HI.

  • TRUMP'S JUST TRYING TO LIFT THE NATIONAL MOOD, WHICH IS WHY HE'S

  • INTRODUCING HIS OWN LINE OF MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS CALLED

  • "SHOUT-SPIRATIONS," FEATURING HOPEFUL ALL-CAPS MESSAGES LIKE:

  • (AS TRUMP) "THE GLASS IS HALF-FULL!"

  • "IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN!"

  • AND, "EVERY DAY IS A GIFT!" DESPITE EXPERTS SAYING WE NEED A

  • NATIONAL STAY-AT-HOME ORDER, TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO IMPLEMENT

  • ONE, SO SOCIAL DISTANCING REQUIREMENTS HAVE BEEN LEFT UP

  • TO THE STATES, AND WHILE SOME STATE OFFICIALS ARE TAKING IT

  • SERIOUSLY, OTHERS ARE NOT.

  • TAKE GEORGIA GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP, SEEN HERE TRYING TO

  • REMEMBER HIS OWN NAME.

  • EVEN THOUGH MANY GEORGIA TOURIST AREAS DECIDED TO CLOSE DURING

  • THE PANDEMIC, KEMP ENRAGED LOCAL LEADERS BY REOPENING ALL THE

  • STATE'S BEACHES, AN ORDER WHICH SUPERSEDES THOSE ISSUED ON THE

  • CITY OR COUNTY LEVEL.

  • THAT WOULD BE LIKE A TEENAGER DECIDING NOT TO GO TO A HOUSE

  • PARTY AND HIS DAD SAYING, "NO, YOU WILL GO, YOU WILL DRINK TOO

  • MUCH JAGERMEISTER, AND YOU WILL TRY TO JUMP OVER THE BONFIRE TO

  • IMPRESS THE SENIORS, YOUNG MAN!"

  • AND IF THERE IS NO VOMIT ON THOSE SHOES WHEN YOU COME BACK

  • THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY, YOUNG MAN.

  • HERE ARE MY KEYS!

  • SOME LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE CUSTOMIZING THEIR

  • REQUIREMENTS.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF STAY SIX FEET APART, ONE FLORIDA COUNTY

  • TOLD RESIDENTS TO KEEP AT LEAST ONE LARGE ALLIGATOR BETWEEN

  • YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE AT ALL TIMES.

  • LUCKILY, EVERYONE IN FLORIDA IS ISSUED AN ALLIGATOR.

  • AND, OF COURSE, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM

  • THE ALLIGATOR.

  • FLORIDA HAS INSPIRED OTHER STATES TO EXPLAIN SOCIAL

  • DISTANCING IN WAYS LOCALS CAN UNDERSTAND.

  • GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY YOU SHOULD STAND ABOUT TWO

  • BONGS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

  • OR ONE REALLY GOOD BONG.

  • IF YOU LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA, KEEP A DISTANCE OF AT LEAST ONE

  • PASSED-OUT EAGLES FAN.

  • IN CALIFORNIA, A SAFE DISTANCE BETWEEN PEOPLE IS ABOUT TWO AND

  • A HALF KEVIN HARTS.

  • AND CITIZENS OF RHODE ISLAND ARE BEING ENCOURAGED TO STAY ONE

  • RHODE ISLAND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

  • LOUISIANA'S GOVERNOR HAS ORDERED A STATEWIDE SHUTDOWN, BANNING

  • GATHERINGS OF TEN OR MORE PEOPLE, BUT ONE PASTOR AT A

  • CHURCH NEAR BATON ROUGE HELD SERVICES YESTERDAY, ATTRACTING

  • HUNDREDS OF WORSHIPPERS, MANY ARRIVING IN 26 BUSES SENT TO

  • PICK THEM UP.

  • THAT'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

  • REMEMBER JESUS' WORDS, "I WAS NAKED AND YOU CLOTHED ME, I WAS

  • SICK AND YOU PUT ME ON A CROWDED BUS?

  • ARE YOU CRAZY?

  • I'M CONTAGIOUS!" WHEN THEY GOT OFF THEIR PLAGUE

  • BUSES, THE PASTOR TOLD THE CONGREGATION THEY HAD "NOTHING

  • TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF."

  • SORRY, PASTOR, THESE DAYS FEAR'S LIKE THIRD ON THE LIST.

  • AFTER CORONAVIRUS AND RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

  • ONE HOUSE OF WORSHIP THAT IS SHUTTING DOWN IS THE CHURCH OF

  • THE HOLY SEPULCHRE IN JERUSALEM.

  • RECENTLY, THE CHURCH CLOSED ITS DOORS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE

  • THE BLACK PLAGUE.

  • WOW.

  • TOUGH TO BE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE GIFT SHOP.

  • HE GETS A DAY OFF EVERY PLAGUE.

  • THE HOLY SEPULCHRE IS BELIEVED BY MANY CHRISTIANS TO BE THE

  • SITE OF JESUS' TOMB, SO CLOSING IT RIGHT BEFORE EASTER SEEMS

  • PARTICULARLY HARSH.

  • "GOOD LUCK GETTING OUT THIS TIME, JESUS.

  • YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D."

  • EVEN THOUGH THE CHURCH HAS NOT BEEN CLOSED IN OVER 600 YEARS

  • THE FRONT DOOR DOES HAVE LOCKS, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE.

  • FUN FACT: THE GUY LOCKING ONE OF THE HOLIEST SITES IN

  • CHRISTIANITY IS A MUSLIM.

  • SEE, CHRISTIANS FOUGHT AMONG THEMSELVES FOR WHICH

  • DENOMINATION SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THE CHURCH, SO ONE FAMILY OF

  • SUNNI MUSLIMS HAVE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH THE KEYS TO THE

  • CHURCH FOR MORE THAN EIGHT CENTURIES.

  • THEY JUST KEEP IT UNDER THE DOORMAT.

  • LET'S SHIFT FROM FAITH TO SCIENCE, WHERE WE REALLY SHOULD

  • PUT OUR FAITH RIGHT NOW.

  • SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING HARD TO DEVELOP CORONAVIRUS TREATMENTS.

  • BUT FOR NOW, WE SHOULD ALL TRY TO AVOID MISINFORMATION ABOUT

  • UNPROVEN CURES.

  • AND THERE'S ONE POPULAR SOURCE OF RUMORS EVERYONE SHOULD

  • IGNORE.

  • AND HERE HE IS: >> THE F.D.A. ALSO GAVE

  • EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION FOR HYDROXY...

  • CHLOR-- CHLOROQUINE.

  • WE'RE JUST HEARING REALLY POSITIVE STORIES.

  • WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

  • I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

  • WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

  • TAKE IT.

  • I REALLY THINK THEY SHOULD TAKE IT.

  • BUT IT'S THEIR CHOICE.

  • AND IT'S THEIR DOCTOR'S CHOICE OR THE DOCTORS IN THE HOSPITAL.

  • BUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.

  • TRY IT.

  • IF YOU'D LIKE.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, TRY IT IF YOU LIKE IT.

  • AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE EFFECTS JUST REMEMBER THAT

  • DONALD TRUMP IS A DOCTOR.

  • >> I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

  • >> STEPHEN: MY MISTAKE.

  • TURNS OUT, ACTUAL DOCTORS DO NOT SUGGEST TAKING

  • HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE FOR COVID-19 BECAUSE THERE IS NO EVIDENCE YET

  • TO SUGGEST IT PROTECTS AGAINST THE VIRUS.

  • AND ALSO, THIS DRUG COULD CAUSE DANGEROUS IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS

  • THAT COULD BE FATAL.

  • STILL, THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY'S EMBRACING TRUMP'S

  • ENDORSEMENT WITH THIS NEW AD: >> ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF

  • HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

  • THEN, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, TRY IT, IF YOU'D LIKE.

  • WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

  • SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: LOSING A LOT.

  • >> STEPHEN: WHERE DID TRUMP'S OBSESSION WITH

  • HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE COME FROM?

  • WELL, APPARENTLY, FROM FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR RUDY

  • GIULIANI, SEEN HERE HALFWAY THROUGH GIVING HIMSELF A

  • HAIRCUT.

  • GIULIANI HAS BEEN TOUTING THE DRUG AS A POSSIBLE CORONAVIRUS

  • TREATMENT IN PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE

  • PRESIDENT.

  • WHICH EXPLAINS TRUMP'S OTHER CORONAVIRUS CURE: A BOTTLE OF

  • CHIANTI AT NOON.

  • RUDY HAS HIS OWN TEAM OF MEDICAL EXPERTS ADVISING HIM: A LONG

  • ISLAND FAMILY DOCTOR WITH A FOLLOWING IN THE CONSERVATIVE

  • MEDIA, AND A FORMER PHARMACIST WHO ONCE PLEADED GUILTY TO

  • CONSPIRING TO EXTORT THE ACTOR STEVEN SEAGAL.

  • YOU KNOW IT'S MESSED UP WHEN "FORMER PHARMACIST" ISN'T THE

  • WORST PART OF THAT SENTENCE.

  • RETURNING TO ACTUAL SCIENTISTS, THE C.D.C. ISSUED NEW GUIDANCE

  • BECAUSE, AFTER MONTHS OF ADVISING AMERICANS NOT TO WEAR

  • MASKS, THEY'RE NOW ADVISING ALL AMERICANS TO WEAR CLOTH OR

  • FABRIC FACE COVERINGS, WHICH CAN BE MADE AT HOME, WHEN

  • ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES TO PREVENT SPREADING THE INFECTION

  • TO OTHERS.

  • WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE COVERING OUR FACES THIS WHOLE TIME?

  • OH, MY GOD, BILLY PORTER TRIED TO WARN US.

  • (WHISPERING) I'M SORRY, BILLY.

  • GIVEN THE SUDDEN REVERSAL, THIS NEW GUIDANCE IS A LITTLE

  • CONFUSING.

  • BUT ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT USED HIS DAILY BRIEFING TO MAKE IT

  • EVEN MORE CONFUSING.

  • >> IN LIGHT OF THESE STUDIES, THE C.D.C. IS ADVISING THE USE

  • OF NON-MEDICAL CLOTH FACE COVERING AS AN ADDITIONAL

  • VOLUNTARY PUBLIC HEALTH MEASURE.

  • SO, IT'S VOLUNTARY; YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.