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  • What's going on, everybody? Trevor Noah here.

  • Welcome to another episode

  • of The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • It is now day 18 of staying at home

  • to prevent the spread of coronavirus.

  • And here's your quarantine tip of the day.

  • I know these have been helping you live your life.

  • If you crank up the thermostat high enough,

  • just turn the temperature way up,

  • and then look directly into a lightbulb,

  • it's basically like you're at the beach.

  • (clicks tongue) You're welcome.

  • Anyway, on tonight's episode:

  • Dr. Fauci gets a security detail,

  • we talk to Bill Gates about fighting coronavirus,

  • and America has moved on from toilet paper,

  • and now they're hoarding guns.

  • So, let's get into it.

  • Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • ♪ ♪

  • ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City

  • to your couch somewhere in the world,

  • this is The Daily Social Distancing Show

  • with Trevor Noah.

  • ♪ ♪

  • Let's kick it off with some good news.

  • Like everyone right now,

  • scientists around the world are no longer thinking

  • about anything other than the coronavirus.

  • In fact, many scientists have dropped

  • almost all other research and are only focusing

  • on cures and treatments for COVID-19.

  • Which I think is great, because I think scientists

  • were too busy working on random shit anyway.

  • You know, there's always that one random scientist

  • where you read a headline like...

  • We didn't need to know that, Mr. Scientist!

  • Who is even doing that experiment?

  • How did you even get money for this?

  • And scientists aren't just dropping other research.

  • They've decided that they're gonna be putting cooperation

  • ahead of competition.

  • And they're gonna share research immediately

  • rather than waiting, like they normally do,

  • for months to publish their results

  • and then get the credit for themselves.

  • Which makes perfect sense to me.

  • This is not the time to worry about credit.

  • Right? And trying to get credit for stopping coronavirus

  • is a waste of your time anyways.

  • We all know President Trump is gonna take the credit

  • no matter what happens, so you might as well just relax.

  • Be like, "Really, Trump? You did it?"

  • "You're damn straight." "How did you do it?"

  • "I put the thing in the thing and then boom, it disappeared."

  • And some of this research is coming from an unlikely source.

  • Yeah. One of the companies who has announced

  • a possible breakthrough in vaccine developments

  • is the cigarette giant British American Tobacco.

  • Yeah, those guys.

  • They claim that proteins extracted from tobacco plants

  • could lead to a cure for coronavirus.

  • And you know what? I'm not surprised.

  • They spent years destroying people's lungs--

  • of course they know what it's all about.

  • Coronavirus is basically their competition.

  • This is one of those...

  • "to catch a killer, you got to be the killer."

  • Like the Hannibal Lecter of coronavirus.

  • So scientists are teaming up,

  • tobacco companies are trying to do something good for a change.

  • But in not-so-good news,

  • there are now nearly one million coronavirus cases

  • around the globe.

  • The number keeps going up.

  • And here in the U.S., yesterday's death toll

  • was over a thousand.

  • The highest yet.

  • And those are not the only bad numbers.

  • A record 6.6 million Americans

  • filed for unemployment last week.

  • Yeah. 6.6 million people filed for unemployment.

  • And I know it can be hard

  • to wrap your mind around numbers like that,

  • but just look at this graph that came out

  • showing the spike in job losses.

  • You see that? Look at that spike.

  • You've never seen anything like it.

  • It looks like unemployment overdosed on Viagra,

  • and then got one of those four-hour boners,

  • where you have to call a doctor.

  • But... you call the doctor after the four hours.

  • Before that, you got to... you got to use what you got.

  • And that's not the only record being set right now.

  • Over the past month, 3.7 million people

  • have tried to buy guns.

  • Yeah. The highest number the FBI has ever recorded.

  • So during this pandemic,

  • the two things people in America want the most

  • are guns and toilet paper.

  • Which makes sense.

  • If I see someone carrying a gun, I shit myself.

  • I'll be honest with you, I don't know why stocking up on firearms

  • is gonna help you in the middle of a pandemic.

  • If you want to protect yourself from outsiders,

  • you don't need a gun, people.

  • Think out of the box.

  • You just need a recording of someone coughing on a loop.

  • Yeah. You just play that in your house all night.

  • Someone comes in the window. (coughing)

  • "Nah, I'm not messing with this house."

  • Now, there is one person out there

  • who actually does need more protection right now:

  • Dr. Anthony Fauci.

  • The man whose calm leadership during this crisis

  • has won him the respect of all intelligent people

  • and President Trump.

  • And according to reports,

  • Dr. Fauci has now been assigned a security detail

  • because of threats that are being made against him,

  • which is insane.

  • Why would you threaten Dr. Fauci?!

  • And authorities aren't sure

  • where the threats are coming from,

  • but police have released a sketch of a potential suspect.

  • And I don't know who it is, because of the glasses,

  • but that face looks familiar.

  • Now, unfortunately, getting threats is fairly standard

  • for anyone in the public eye.

  • But what's not standard...

  • is that Dr. Fauci is also receiving lots of, quote,

  • "unwelcome communications

  • from fervent admirers."

  • Yeah. That's a nice way to say that your groupies are crazy.

  • And who would have thought one day we'd be living

  • in a world where the whole planet would be grounded

  • and an epidemiologist would be the hottest man on earth?

  • People are just like, "I got to get me some of that Fauci.

  • You know he's got the vaccine, girl."

  • He is the sexiest man on the... Who's sexier than Fauci?

  • No one's sexier. If People magazine

  • doesn't put him on the cover, they're wasting their lives.

  • Now, as the corona cases continue to grow,

  • more and more governors around America are announcing

  • their own belated stay-at-home orders

  • for their states.

  • They're staggering them out.

  • Yesterday, after weeks of resisting,

  • the governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis,

  • finally announced a lockdown for his state.

  • And he did it on April Fools Day.

  • So Florida's officially locked down,

  • which means Mickey Mouse and all of his friends

  • will have to work from home.

  • Which I think is perfect for Donald Duck.

  • That dude has never worn pants.

  • He was born for the teleconferencing life.

  • You think anybody's wearing pants?

  • Are you wearing pants? You wear pants in your...

  • I don't wear pants. I would stand up right now,

  • but you not ready.

  • I'm also not ready.

  • I didn't think about that before I started telling that joke.

  • But I'm not wearing pants, and I'm not ready.

  • Oh. Georgia's another place that instituted a stay-at-home ban.

  • The governor of Georgia, Brian Kemp,

  • declared a shelter-in-place order,

  • and he explained the r... the reason...

  • uh, he explained the reason that he didn't do it sooner

  • is because he just found out

  • that asymptomatic people can spread the virus.

  • Yes. That's what he says. He says he just found out

  • that people who don't show any symptoms

  • can also spread coronavirus.

  • He just found that out. Yeah.