Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • [Cheering]

  • MATT: What up, crew?

  • [Laughter]

  • Yeah, get the door, door boy!

  • Just put this back on to cover up the man-boobs.

  • [Whistle from audience]

  • Thank you!

  • She's up there.

  • Now, those of you who have known what we've done for a while

  • will remember that a long time ago we did some audio episodes.

  • And I didn't know how much time we would have left, exactly, at the end of this...

  • GARY: To be fair, we didn't know how long it'd get before the cold bottles of piss hit the stage.

  • What I like is that they're cold, which means that people have pre-prepared them.

  • [Laughter] GARY: Yeah.

  • Um, which means

  • MATT: "This one's for piss..."

  • Er, which means that...

  • In front of me, I have some classic trivia questions!

  • [Cheering] GARY: Ohhh, baby!

  • This is what they want!

  • "Finchley!"

  • And by classic, I mean they're from 1984.

  • GARY: This s*** again!

  • [Laughter]

  • I am going to read out the answers; all you have to do is guess the questions.

  • Are you all ready?

  • God, remember the days when we did this in a small, fart-filled room in Chester?

  • We had a really big curry one of the nights, and *he*...

  • He destroyed the room so badly we had to open the outside door to let the maft out.

  • That was the night I fell off your airbed and head-butted your drum kitoh, memories, memories.

  • [Laughter]

  • We start...

  • ...with Albert Blake Dick.

  • Which Blake didn't make Blake's 7?

  • Because "Dick's 7" wouldn't sound... yeah.

  • Should have seen the shape of the ship.

  • It sounds like an order. 'Albertblake Dick!'

  • What's 'blaking' someone?

  • I don't know, but I know what you use!

  • Heyy!

  • GARY: It's when Gareth Thomas comes up behind you

  • TOM: NO.

  • Two people got that reference.

  • GARY: Thank you, both Blake's 7 fans in the audience.

  • TOM: Now, see, this has actually been corrected since.

  • The actual answer to this would be Thomas Edison...

  • GARY: Er, who shafted who out of some kind of patent?

  • Well, Dick was the one who named — I can't say that seriously.

  • [Laughter]

  • Blake Dick — I can't say *that* seriously.

  • Albert?

  • Albert was the one who named it.

  • So we are looking for an invention.

  • A tephelone!

  • Oh, no. We're looking for something that you'd still use in an office today.

  • GARY: Photocopier. CHRIS: Chair.

  • GARY: Window. MATT: Electricity.

  • Gary, you're very close.

  • I'm looking for something a little bitlike, photocopier, that was the Xerox Corporation...

  • What was an earlier version of that?

  • Typewriter.

  • CHRIS: Carbon copying... thing... pad.

  • Yeah, I'll give you the point. [DING]

  • We're looking for mimeograph machine.

  • GARY and MATT: Mimeograph machine?

  • GARY: Sounds like a f***ing electro band.

  • GARY: Yeah, I'm down with the kids.

  • 'Hello, we're Mimeograph Machine.'

  • CHRIS: [Beeping and booping] GARY: 'Yeah. And we're here to annoy you pre-show.'

  • TOM: That's actually fair, isn't it. GARY: Yeah, yeah.

  • We move on to 'the 35'.

  • What yard line do you do some bollocks at in American football?

  • [Laughter]

  • GARY: You don't get your bollocks out in American football.

  • Very dangerous.

  • No, that's rugby, and that's afterwards.

  • Ha ha!

  • Oh they do, though, don't they.

  • You're absolutely right, it is a yard line in American football...

  • Do you want to go any...

  • CHRIS: Line of scrimmage. MATT: Is that the line you go past, that if you go...

  • That's where you... kick the thingy.

  • [Applause] GARY: This is why you never got that...

  • American football is one of the few sports I sometimes watch.

  • And I still don't know what I'm going to say.

  • And yet, 'Is it the line you kick the thingy?'

  • The thing is, he's right. [DING]

  • [Applause]

  • That's what you get for watching the Superb Owl, isn't it.

  • Yes.

  • Super Bowel.

  • Yeah. Hell of a show.

  • Yeah. It's 'Which yard line do NFL teams kick off from?'

  • And before we get letters, this is from 1984. It was moved ten years later.

  • 'Before we get letters'?

  • [Laughter]

  • MATT: Z! Q! R!

  • I'd quite like that, because the YouTube barrier to entry

  • would be quite a bit higher if you had to comment by sending a letter.

  • But on the other hand, I would open my post in the morning

  • You've got a letter opener as well!

  • [Laughter and applause]

  • Tom lives near an embassy.

  • I like to think he does have a silver platter that his post is delivered on.

  • 'Private and Confidential for you, sir...' [Envelope slitting noises]

  • No, I just like the idea that I'm going to open a letter,

  • and it's just going to be a vague insult on my person.

  • All in caps.

  • All in caps, obviously.

  • That would be, yeahYouTube comments by post.

  • 'u r crap' Thank you!

  • That would be post with the word 'LOL' in it.

  • Yeah.

  • TOM: Your next one is... jai alai. MATT: Thatcher!

  • MATT: The answer's almost always 'Thatcher'.

  • TOM: Jai alai.

  • CHRIS: Fastest ball speed, compared to lacrosse.

  • [DING]

  • Absolutely spot on. Knocked it out of the park

  • No, no, it bounces off the wall and comes back.

  • [Laughter]

  • [Applause]

  • Your next one is... the Impossible Missions Force.

  • What do they call us on a date night?

  • [Laughter]

  • Wow, that makes my answer even worse. Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare?

  • Er, no, definitely not.

  • MATT: 64 newtons.

  • The Impossible Missions *Force*, right. Yeah.

  • TOM: Good... good.

  • Weak electromagnetic! Same joke, but whatever.

  • No. The abbreviation for that would be IMF.

  • Where does the post get misdirected if you're writing to the International Monetary Fund?

  • [Laughter]

  • Anyone who has seen a certain film is likely to know the answer to this one.

  • MATT: [Hums 'Mission: Impossible' bassline]

  • [DING] GARY: Ahh.

  • TOM: He's absolutely right. 'What's —'

  • ['Mission: Impossible' melody] Doodle-doo... doodle-doo...

  • Doodle-doo... doo-doo.

  • TOM: He's absolutely riMATT: Doodle-doo... doodle-doo...

  • [Applause]

  • Doodle-doo...!

  • Yeah. 'What was the name of the agency from Mission: Impossible?'

  • The sound-man at the back, he's just gone cross-eyed and his ears are going red.

  • Your next one is... Intourist.

  • What is the worst place to store a bottle of water?

  • [Laughter]

  • Thoop!

  • It's when it comes out without the cap on...

  • I store all my water lying down, anyway.

  • Ohhh!

  • Where would a Yorkshireman put things 'in the ourist'?

  • TOM: In t' ourist! Yeah, okay. GARY: In t'ourist.

  • No, you would be saying this in an accent as well, certainly.

  • He just did!

  • Yeah, okay.

  • And bear in mind, this is 1984. They like questions about certain countries here.

  • GARY: Russia!

  • TOM: Yes. GARY: Ohoho.

  • It is the state-run travel agency of the Soviet Union.

  • Ahh.

  • Mandatory tourism!

  • GARY: In Russia, travel does you.

  • I can only imagine that you basically went up there, said 'I'd like to go somewhere,' and they said, 'No.'

  • [Laughter]

  • It's like a railway station. Big blinds they pull down and go,

  • 'NO'... 'NO'... 'NO'... 'POLICE'.

  • I would like to go on The Holiday.

  • CHRIS: From what I understand from what I've read,

  • essentially you went there and you got your week's allowance of... like, leave.

  • But because it's leave from the country, in essence,

  • you got a week in this dacha, at the place you were told to,

  • at the time you were told to be there. And then you returned.

  • Ahh.

  • GARY: Butlins then.

  • [Laughter]

  • Yeah, but the coats were red.

  • Yeah.

  • I have spent one brief holiday in Butlins, and it is not all it's cracked up to be.

  • And it's not cracked up to be much.

  • I was going to say!

  • I tell you what, when I had a holiday in Butlins, (A) it was brilliant,

  • but (B) I was a bit worried by the barbed wire and guard towers round the edge.

  • GARY: I'm not joking, there were genuinely guard towers.

  • Why...?

  • To stop — I'm not sure if it's to stop other people getting in, or to stop us getting out.

  • Why would they?

  • I don't know!

  • 'Ooh, let's go break into Butlins!'

  • No, that is absolutely what kids in a small, boring seaside town would do.

  • You would absolutely go and break into the Butlins.

  • They had great slides.

  • It's just the machine gun might get you on the way down.

  • [Laughter]

  • This is turning dark! So let's move on.

  • North Butlins and South Butlins!

  • 'Get on the slide!' [Machine gun noises]

  • No, no, you've got the breakaway Republic of Pontins, above.

  • [Laughter]

  • Blue coatsred coats. They don't talk. Don't talk.

  • Your last question then.

  • Aww.

  • Baseball and bridge.

  • We are looking for something they have in common.

  • CHRIS: An extraGARY: Bats!

  • An extra card in the box.

  • GARY: The way I play it.

  • So first of all, that's quite clever, but no.

  • And secondly, what bat do you use in bridge?!

  • Cricket, and it speeds it up.

  • [Laughter]

  • TOM: That's fair.

  • Was there ever an iron baseball?

  • Because you could say both have been designed by Brunel.

  • [Laughter]

  • GARY: 'This ball is superior to all others!' Thonk!

  • It's also slightly too big for everything else as well.

  • TOM: Yeah. No, we are looking for terms...

  • I'll give you a point for one of the terms that is found

  • MATT: Terms of endearment?

  • ...in both.

  • GARY: Can I have a go?

  • Yeah, go for it.

  • Rubber?

  • [DING] GARY: Thank you...

  • Absolutely spot on. It's 'Which two games have both a rubber and a grand slam?'

  • And that is such a good bit of obscure knowledge that...

  • [Applause]

  • Because I like, despite all the gags,

  • that we've ended on Gary coming out with a really obscure bit of knowledge and absolutely nailing it.

  • MATT: Shall I save this?

  • [Blows raspberry]

  • [Laughter]

  • Nailed it. Nailed it.

  • But at the end of that, it is clearly Chris that wins, so congratulations.

  • [Applause]

  • Congratulations! You win an enclosure in which underwear is forbidden, run by the star of Face/Off.

  • Really!

  • GARY: No! Don't do this!

  • I've worked it out. Don't do this, Tom!

  • Gary, take it.

  • Knickerless Cage?

  • TOM: It's Nicolas Cage's Knickerless Cage.

  • [Laughter and applause]

  • With that, for the final time tonight...

  • Please give it up for Chris Joel!

  • Gary Brannan!

  • Matt Gray!

  • TOM: I've been Tom ScottMATT: And Tom Scott!

  • [Cheering]

  • Thank you! Goodnight!

[Cheering]

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it