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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IS EERVE YOU SOUND GOOD.

  • YOU PEOPLE SOUND GOOD.

  • IS EVERYBODY OKAY TONIGHT?

  • >> YEAH!

  • >> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, THIS CORONAVIRUS, JON,

  • IT'S MAKING PEOPLE ANXIOUS.

  • PEOPLE ARE REALLY NERVOUS.

  • BUT AT A TIME LIKE THIS, WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH AND TO BE

  • TOGETHER...

  • FROM A DISTANCE OF ABOUT 20 FEET, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

  • QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE, STARTING ON MONDAY-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

  • OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION, "THE LATE SHOW"" ALONG WITH ALL

  • THE OTHER LATE-NIGHT SHOWS IN NEW YORK CITY WILL GO WITHOUT

  • AUDIENCES-- ( BOOING )

  • SEE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT ON MONDAY.

  • WE'RE GOING TOO THIS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE, SO YOU

  • PEOPLE, THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT, YOU'RE ONE OF THE LAST AUDIENCES

  • I WILL HAVE.

  • YOU ARE ALL COLLECTOR'S ITEMS.

  • HAVE YOURSELVES NOTARIZED.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.

  • AND AS COLLECTOR'S ITEMS-- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT-- UNTIL THIS

  • IS OVER, STAY IN YOUR ORIGINAL PACKAGING, OR ELSE YOU LOSE ALL

  • YOUR VALUE.

  • I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST ON THE CORONAVIRUS IN MY PLEASE LET IT

  • BE OVER SOON SEGMENT, "GOIN' VIRAL."

  • >> THIS IS GONNA BE SICK, YO!

  • UP TOP!

  • >> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW-- ( LAUGHTER )

  • I AM NOT GOING TO MISS HIM.

  • THERE ARE NOW OVER 1,000 CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE UNITED

  • STATES, AND THIS AFTERNOON, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION

  • DECLARED CORONAVIRUS A PANDEMIC.

  • AND CONGRESS GOT AN UPDATE FROM INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AND

  • NICE DOCTOR YOUR MOM FLIRTS WITH, ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • DR. FAUCI HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MAIN VOICES FROM THE

  • ADMINISTRATION ON CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS WHY HE WAS CALLED TO

  • TESTIFY IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE.

  • AND FAUCI STRUCK A POSITIVE NOTE WHEN HE ANSWERED A QUESTION

  • ABOUT HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE AFFECTED.

  • >> I CAN'T GIVE YOU A REALISTIC NUMBER UNTIL WE PUT INTO THE

  • FACTOR OF HOW WE RESPOND.

  • IF WE ARE COMPLACENT AND DON'T DO REALLY AGGRESSIVE CONTAINMENT

  • AND MITIGATION, THE NUMBER COULD GO WAY UP AND BE INVOLVED IN

  • MANY, MANY MILLIONS.

  • >> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, HE'S NOT SAYING MILLIONS WILL DIE,

  • JUST THAT MILLIONS MIGHT GET IT.

  • SO TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN, THEN DON'T TOUCH YOUR FROWN.

  • IT'S ON YOUR FACE!

  • MASSACHUSETTS REPRESENTATIVE STEPHEN LYNCH TOOK FAUCI AND

  • C.D.C. DIRECTOR REDFIELD TO TASK OVER NOT STANDING UP TO THE

  • PRESIDENT'S LIES.

  • >> THE PRESIDENT, ON MARCH 6, TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY DISTRICT

  • PUBLICLY THAT THE TESTS WERE READY.

  • THERE WERE NO TESTS.

  • ZERO, ZERO.

  • HE SAID THIS IN FRONT OF SOME OF YOU AT A PUBLIC HEARING, AT A

  • PRESS CONFERENCE.

  • AND I SAW NO ONE STEP UP AND SAY, "NO, THE PRESIDENT WASN'T

  • CORRECT."

  • WE NEED YOU TO STEP UP.

  • WE REALLY NEED HONESTY HERE.

  • AND WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, WE NEED

  • PUSHBACK FROM THE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS.

  • YOU KNOW, STANDING BEHIND HIM AND NODDING SILENTLY, OR AN

  • EYEROLL ONCE IN A WHILE, IS NOT GOING TO GET IT.

  • >> Stephen: HOLD ON.

  • ANYONE WHO DOESN'T THINK AN EYEROLL IS ENOUGH HAS NEVER HAD

  • A TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS SOCIAL DISTANCING.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS--

  • >> Jon: MY GOODNESS.

  • >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE'S CORONAVIRUS TASK

  • FORCE HELD AN EMERGENCY PRESS BRIEFING, AND DR. FAUCI

  • EMPHASIZED THAT DAILY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

  • >> YOU HAVE TO START TAKING SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW,

  • THAT IF AND WHEN THE INFECTIONS WILL COME-- AND THEY WILL COME,

  • SORRY TO SAY, SAD TO SAY, THEY WILL.

  • WE WOULD LIKE THE COUNTRY TO REALIZE THAT AS A NATION, WE

  • CAN'T BE DOING THE KINDS OF THINGS WE WERE DOING A FEW

  • MONTHS AGO.

  • >> Stephen: BUT I WANT TO!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) A FEW MONTHS AGO WAS GREAT!

  • IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS!

  • I WAS DRUNK ON EGGNOG!

  • I WAS WATCHING "CHEER."

  • I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH BABY YODA!

  • I WAS LOOKING FORWARD-- I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IMPEACHING

  • THE PRESIDENT.

  • REMEMBER THAT FEELING?

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOING TO GET TRUMP!

  • BOLTON'S GOING TO TESTIFY, AND THE SENATE'S GOING TO DO THE

  • RIGHT THING!

  • IT'S ONLY MARCH, AND 2020 HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE: MADE ME

  • NOSTALGIC FOR 2019.

  • NOW EARLIER IN THE BRIEFING, WE HEARD FROM TASK FORCE LEADER AND

  • MAN WHO HAS QUARANTINED HIS MIND FROM KNOWLEDGE--

  • ( LAUGHTER ) -- VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.

  • HE ADDRESSED A GROWING CONCERN FOR AMERICANS: THE COST OF

  • TESTING AND TREATMENT.

  • >> ALL OF OUR MAJOR HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES HAVE NOW

  • JOINED WITH MEDICARE AND MEDICAID AND AGREED TO WAIVE ALL

  • COPAYS, COVER THE COST OF ALL TREATMENT FOR THOSE THAT

  • CONTRACT THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT A COOL IDEA!

  • IT'S LIKE MEDICARE BUT...

  • FOR ALL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • THAT'S REALLY-- THAT WOULD BE KIND OF COOL.

  • THAT MIGHT BE-- THAT MIGHT BE-- HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?

  • >> Jon: I LIKE THAT!

  • >> Stephen: HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?

  • SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES AND TED CRUZ COSPLAYER,

  • ALEX AZAR, HAD SOME CONFUSING ADVICE.

  • >> Reporter: PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID ON FRIDAY THAT ANYONE WHO

  • WANTS TO GET TESTED CAN GET TESTED.

  • >> IF THEIR DOCTOR-- WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR: IF THEIR

  • DOCTOR OR PUBLIC HEALTH PHYSICIAN BELIEVES THEY NEED TO

  • BE TESTED, IT NEEDS TO ALWAYS BE CLINICALLY INDICATED

  • TO GET A TEST.

  • SO IT'S A FALSE PREMISE.

  • GO TO YOUR DOCTOR-- ACTUALLY DON'T GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.

  • CALL YOUR DOCTOR'S OFFICE FIRST.

  • >> Stephen: (AS AZAR) "ACTUALLY, DON'T CALL.

  • THEY'RE VERY BUSY.

  • WRITE YOUR DOCTOR A LETTER, BUT DON'T SEND IT, BECAUSE YOU

  • SHOULDN'T LICK STAMPS.

  • MAYBE JUST TRY EATING SOME RAW GARLIC.

  • WAIT, NO, THAT'S FOR VAMPIRES.

  • THE ONE THING I CAN SAY FOR SURE IS DO NOT ASK ME FOR ADVICE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • DAILY LIFE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Jon: I'M GOOD.

  • I'M STAYING HEALTHY.

  • >> Stephen: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS?

  • >> Jon: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS.

  • >> Stephen: DAILY LIFE IS CHANGING.

  • FOR INSTANCE, TO COMBAT THE CORONAVIRUS, HARVARD WANTS

  • STUDENTS TO MOVE OUT IN FIVE DAYS.

  • SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, HARVARD IS NOW YOUR

  • SAFETY SCHOOL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND HARVARD IS NOT ALONE.

  • STUDENTS FROM MAINE'S BOWDOIN COLLEGE WON'T RETURN TO CAMPUS

  • AFTER SPRING BREAK.

  • IT'S TO PROTECT THE STUDENTS, ESPECIALLY THE SCHOOL'S MOST

  • POPULAR FRATERNITY PHI CATCHA VIRUS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHOUT OUT TO MY PHI CATCH

  • BROTHERS.

  • WE HAVE A VERY SIMPLE SECRET HANDSHAKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY'S PLEDGING THIS YEAR.

  • NO ONE'S PLEDGING THIS YEAR.

  • BUT THE EXTENDED BREAK DOESN'T MEAN THE COUNTRY'S TURNING INTO

  • PARTY CENTRAL.

  • IN FACT, FLORIDA SPRING BREAK TOURISM IS NOW IN QUESTION AMID

  • THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • SO SPRING BREAK ESTABLISHMENTS ARE TAKING EXTRA PRECAUTIONS

  • THIS YEAR.

  • SENIOR FROG'S JUST INTRODUCED THEIR PURELL T-SHIRT CONTEST.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS

  • HAS CANCELLED A CORONAVIRUS CONFERENCE BECAUSE OF THE

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • THAT WAS A SURPRISE.

  • SOMETHING-- >> Jon: ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

  • >> Stephen: SOMETHING OF A SURPRISE.

  • IN RELATED NEWS, THE INTERNATIONAL IRONY FESTIVAL

  • IS GOING AHEAD AS PLANNED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BEST YEAR EVER.

  • THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO AFFECTING THE 2020 RACE.

  • LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT THAT SUNDAY'S DEBATE BETWEEN

  • JOE BIDEN AND BERNIE SANDERS IN PHOENIX WILL BE HELD WITHOUT AN

  • AUDIENCE, WHICH IS WHY CNN HAS ALREADY REDONE THE PROPOSALOZE.

  • JIM.

  • >> BERNIE VRLS BIDEN, TWO OLD MEN, ONE SILENT ROOM.

  • WHO.

  • WILL.

  • NOD.

  • OFF PD FIRST.

  • ( SNORING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: I'LL WATCH IT.

  • I WILL WATCH THAT.

  • PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

  • ONE SECTOR OF THE ECONOMY THAT'S BEING HIT ESPECIALLY HARD WITH

  • CANCELLATIONS IS THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY.

  • BECAUSE OF REDUCED DEMAND, AIRLINES COULD LOSE

  • $113 BILLION.

  • THAT IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO PAY FOR THREE CHECKED BAGGING ON UNITED.

  • MAKING MATTERS WORSE, AT AN AIRPORT IN CALIFORNIA, THREE

  • T.S.A. AGENTS JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.

  • THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • ( AS T.S.A. AGENT ) "SIR, IS THIS YOUR BAG?

  • OKAY, GREAT, I'M GOING TO TOUCH EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN IT.

  • IS THIS YOUR SANDWICH?

  • IS THIS YOUR SANDWICH?

  • GREAT, THAT'S GOOD TO GO.

  • YOU CAN EAT THAT.

  • BUT THIS HAND SANITIZER, THAT'S LIQUID.

  • IN THE TRASH IT GOES.

  • ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • COME HERE.

  • COME HERE.

  • OKAY.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT FACE OF YOURS.

  • ANOTHER GOOD, GOOD, NICE FIRM EYEBALLS.

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • THAT TONGUE'S NICE AND MOIST.

  • TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GOING TO HAND YOU OFF TO MY ASSOCIATE, DALE.

  • I'M FEELING A LITTLE...

  • I'M GETTING CHILLS.

  • BEFORE YOU GO, JUST LET ME CUP YER...

  • YEAH, YEAH.

  • YOU'RE GOOD.

  • THAT'S LESS THAN THREE OUNCES.

  • " ( LAUGHTER )

  • ONE GROUP ISN'T TOO WORRIED, THOUGH, BECAUSE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE

  • CAPITALIZING ON CHEAP CORONAVIRUS FLIGHTS.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY DON'T GET IT!

  • RIGHT?

  • YOUNG PEOPLE ARE FINE, SUPPOSEDLY?

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • ONE COLLEGE STUDENT TAKING A CHEAP FLIGHT TO NEW YORK TOLD

  • REPORTERS, "I FEEL LIKE IF THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD GET EVEN

  • MORE SERIOUS AND, LIKE, WIPE OUT A LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE, I

  • MIGHT AS WELL BE SOMEWHERE HAVING FUN."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO NOW, AS PEOPLE

  • SELF-QUARANTINE, SHE'LL BE TAKING PICTURES IN TIMES SQUARE.

  • I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS: TIMES SQUARE IS NOT FUN, UNLESS YOU

  • HAVE A FETISH FOR PEOPLE IN URINE-SOAKED ELMO COSTUMES.

  • ONE GUY-- ONE GUY WHO JUST BOOKED A CRUISE TOLD REPORTERS

  • THA HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THE CORONAVIRUS IS A HOAX.

  • HE DOESN'T THINK FEARS OF IT ARE OVERHYPED.

  • AND HIS GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

  • IT'S YOUR TYPICAL BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND DYNAMIC.

  • ( AS BOYFRIEND ) "LOOK, BABE, WE MADE A DEAL.

  • LAST WEEK, WE WENT TO THAT ART IN THE PARK THING YOU WANTED TO

  • DO, SO THIS WEEK, WE GO ON THE DEATH SHIP.

  • IT'S FAIR."

  • HERE IN NEW YORK, OFFICIALS ARE RAMPING UP THE CORONAVIRUS

  • RESPONSE.

  • YESTERDAY, ORGANIZERS CANCELLED THE NEW YORK CITY HALF MARATHON.

  • NO WORD ON WHETHER THEY'RE GOING TO CANCEL THE SECOND HALF.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE CITY IS ALSO WORKING TO

  • PROTECT COMMUTERS, ANNOUNCING A PLAN TO DOUBLE

  • CORONAVIRUS-RELATED CLEANINGS OF NEW YORK CITY SUBWAYS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

  • DOUBLE!

  • DOUBLE.

  • >> Jon: THEY'RE GOING TO DOUBLE IT UP.

  • >> Stephen: SO TWICE A YEAR.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

  • MR. HANK AZARIA IS HERE.

  • WHEN WE RETURN THERE'S MORE MONOLOGUE.

  • THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH TO TALK BMY FRIENDS.

  • STICK AROUND.

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."