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  • [RAIN AND THUNDER]

  • ♪♪

  • Inner North London, top floor flat,

  • All white walls, white carpet, white cat,

  • Rice paper partitions, Modern art and ambition.

  • The host's a physician, Bright bloke,

  • has his own practice, His girlfriend's an actress

  • An old mate of ours from home

  • And they're always great fun so to dinner we've come.

  • The fifth guest is an unknown,

  • The hosts have just thrown us together as a favour

  • Cos this girl's just arrived from Australia

  • And she's moved to North London

  • And she's the sister of someone or has some connection.

  • As we make introductions I'm struck by her beauty,

  • She's irrefutabley fair with dark eyes and dark hair,

  • But as she sits I admit I'm a little bit wary

  • Cos I notice the tip of the wing of a fairy

  • tatooed on that popular area just above the derriere

  • And when she says "I'm Sagittarian"

  • I confess a pigeonhole starts to form

  • And is immediately filled with pigeon

  • when she says her name is Storm.

  • Conversation is initially bright and light-hearted

  • But it's not long before Storm gets started:

  • "You can't know anything, Knowledge is merely

  • opinion", She opines, over her Cabernet Sauvignon

  • Vis-a-vis Some unhippily Empirical comment made by me.

  • "Not a good start", I think.

  • We're only on pre-dinner drinks and across the room

  • My wife widens her eyes, silently begs me,

  • "Be nice" - A matrimonial warning Not worth ignoring,

  • So I resist the urge to ask Storm

  • whether knowledge is so loose-weave of a morning

  • when deciding whether to leave her apartment

  • by the front door or the window on the second floor.

  • The food is delicious and Storm

  • whilst avoiding all meat happily sits and eats

  • as the good doctor - slightly pissedly -

  • Holds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical history

  • When Storm suddenly insists,

  • "But the human body is a mystery!

  • "Science just falls in a hole

  • "When it tries to explain the nature of the soul."

  • My hostess throws me a glance -

  • she, like my wife, knows there's a chance

  • I'll be off on one of my rare but fun rants,

  • But I shan't. My lips are sealed.

  • I just want to enjoy my meal.

  • And although Storm is starting to get my goat,

  • I have no intention of rocking the boat

  • Although it's becoming a bit of a wrestle

  • Because - like her meteorological namesake

  • Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:

  • "Pharmaceutical companies are the enemy,

  • "They promote drug dependency

  • "At the cost of the natural remedies

  • "That are all our bodies need.

  • "They are immoral and driven by greed.

  • "Why take drugs when herbs can solve it?

  • "Why use chemicals when homeopathic solvents can resolve it?

  • I think it's time we all returned

  • to live with natural medical alternatives."

  • And try as I like, a small crack appears

  • In my diplomacy dike.

  • "By definition", I begin "Alternative Medicine",

  • I continue "Has either not been proved to work,

  • "Or been proved not to work.

  • "Do you know what they call alternative medicine

  • "that's been proved to work?

  • "Medicine."

  • "So you don't believe in any natural remedies?"

  • "On the contrary, Storm, actually

  • before I came to tea I took a remedy

  • derived from the bark of a Willow tree,

  • a painkiller that's virtually side-effect free.

  • It's got a weird name:

  • Darling, what was it again?

  • Maspirin? Baspirin?

  • Oh yes, Aspirin!

  • Which I paid about a buck for

  • Down at the local drugstore."

  • The debate briefly abates as our hosts collects plates,

  • But as they return with desserts Storm pertly asserts,

  • "Shakespeare said it first:

  • "There are more things in Heaven and Earth

  • "than exist in your philosophy."

  • Science is just how we're trained to look at reality.

  • It doesn't explain love or spirituality.

  • How does science explain psychics?

  • Auras? The afterlife?

  • The power of prayer?"

  • I'm becoming aware that I'm staring,

  • I'm like a rabbit suddenly trapped

  • In the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.

  • Maybe it's the Hamlet she just misquothed

  • Or the sixth glass of wine I just quaffed

  • But my diplomacy dike groans And the arsehole held back

  • by its stones can be held back no more.

  • "Look , Storm, I don't mean to bore ya

  • But there's no such thing as an aura.

  • Reading auras is like reading minds

  • Or tea leaves or star signs or meridian lines

  • These people aren't plying a skill,

  • They're either lying or mentally ill.

  • Same goes for those who claim to hear God's demands

  • or spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.

  • By the way, Why is it OK For people to pretend

  • they can talk to the dead?

  • Is it not totally fucked in the head

  • Lying to some crying woman whose child has died

  • And telling her you're in touch with the other side?

  • I think that's fundamentally sick.

  • Do we need to clarify here

  • That there's no such thing as a psychic?

  • What, are we fucking two?

  • Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?

  • Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?

  • That Michael Jackson didn't have facelifts?

  • Are we still so stunned by circus tricks

  • That we think that the dead would wanna talk to pricks

  • like John Edward?"

  • Storm to her credit, despite my derision

  • keeps firing off clichés with startling precision,

  • like a sniper using bollocks for ammunition.

  • "You're so sure of your position

  • But you're just closed-minded.

  • I think you'll find that your faith in science and tests

  • is just as blind as the faith of any fundamentalist"

  • "Wow, that's a good point, let me think for a bit;

  • Oh wait, my mistake, That's absolute bullshit.

  • Science adjusts its views based on what's observed.

  • Faith is the denial of observation

  • so that belief can be preserved.

  • If you show me that, say, Homeopathy works,

  • then I will change my mind,

  • I'll spin on a fucking dime,

  • I'll be embarrassed as hell,

  • but I will run through the streets yelling,

  • "It's a miracle! Take physics and bin it!

  • Water has memory! And while its memory

  • of a long lost drop of onion juice seems infinite

  • it somehow forgets all the poo it's had in it!'

  • You show me that it works and how it works

  • and when I've recovered from the shock,

  • I will take a compass and carve 'fancy that'

  • on the side of my cock."

  • Everyone's just staring now, but I'm pretty pissed

  • and I've dug this far down, so I figure, in for penny,

  • in for a pound.

  • "Life is full of mysteries, yeah,

  • but there are answers out there.

  • And they won't be found by people sitting around

  • looking serious and saying, 'Isn't life mysterious?

  • Let's sit here and hope!

  • Let's call up the fucking Pope!

  • Let's go watch Oprah Interview Deepak Chopra!'

  • If you're going to watch telly,

  • you should watch Scooby Doo. That show was so cool,

  • because every time there was a church with a ghoul

  • or a ghost in a school,

  • they looked beneath the mask and what was inside?

  • The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the waterslide!

  • Because throughout history every mystery ever solved

  • has turned out to be Not Magic.

  • Does the idea that there might be knowledge

  • frighten you?

  • Does the idea that one afternoon

  • on Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten you

  • frighten you?

  • Does the notion that there may not be a supernatural

  • so blow your hippy noodle that you would rather just

  • stand in the fog of your inability to Google?

  • Isn't this enough?

  • Just this world?

  • Just this beautiful, complex,

  • wonderfully unfathomable natural world?

  • How does it so fail to hold our attention

  • that we have to diminish it with the invention of cheap,

  • man-made myths and monsters?

  • If you're so into Shakespeare Lend me your ear:

  • 'To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,

  • to throw perfume on the violet...

  • is just fucking silly.' Or something like that.

  • Or what about Satchmo?

  • 'I see trees of green, Red roses too'

  • And fine, if you wish to glorify

  • Krishna and Vishnu In a post-colonial, condescending,

  • bottled-up and labeled kind of way,

  • Then whatever, that's ok.

  • But here's what gives me a hard-on:

  • I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant bit of carbon.

  • I have one life, and it is short and unimportant,

  • but thanks to recent scientific advances,

  • I get to live twice as long

  • as my great great great great uncleses and auntses.

  • Twice as long to live this life of mine.

  • Twice as long to love this wife of mine.

  • Twice as many years of friends and wine,

  • Of sharing curries and getting shitty at

  • good-looking hippies with fairies on their spines

  • and butterflies on their titties.

  • And if perchance I have offended,

  • think but this and all is mended:

  • We'd as well be 10 minutes back in time,

  • for all the chance you'll change your mind."

  • ♪♪

[RAIN AND THUNDER]

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B1 fucking great great proved medicine natural faith

Tim Minchin's Storm the Animated Movie

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    Why Why posted on 2013/03/29
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