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  • Equifax.

  • Some people know them as a credit reporting agency.

  • Others know them as a player hater

  • that stops you from buying your couch.

  • Well, you may remember that they were at the heart

  • of a massive data hack and now we're finding out

  • how it all went down.

  • Good evening. It was one of the biggest cyberattacks in history:

  • stealing the personal information

  • of nearly half of all Americans,

  • from our Social Security numbers to birth dates.

  • Now, in a stunning announcement,

  • the U.S. Justice Department

  • is accusing a branch of the Chinese military

  • with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company Equifax.

  • REPORTER: The Chinese team hid their tracks

  • by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries.

  • The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott,

  • the U.S. government's personnel office

  • and insurance giant Anthem

  • as it builds a massive database on every American.

  • That's right-- China is allegedly stealing

  • people's private information

  • to build a massive database on every American.

  • And you know somewhere right now Ma-Mark Zuckerberg is like,

  • "Back off, China, that's my thing."

  • But seriously, though, I don't-I don't understand this.

  • Like, China is beating the U.S. in everything now.

  • Why would they steal Americans' information?

  • Unless it's just to rub it in everyone's faces, you know?

  • It's just like, "Ha, ha! I know the answers

  • "to your security questions. Your first car was a Kia?

  • What a bitch."

  • What's even weirder is that they say

  • China also may have hacked Marriott.

  • And, I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies

  • and the government, but why are they hacking hotels?

  • What, are they just gonna tank the U.S. economy

  • by adding charges to the minibar?

  • Is that what they're doing? No, 'cause let's be honest--

  • like, everyone is just three Toblerones away from bankruptcy.

  • We're out. Those minibars don't play.

  • And I know some people are saying that China's doing this

  • so that they can steal Americans' identities.

  • Yeah, but if that's true, the joke's on them,

  • because half of Americans are in debt. Yeah.

  • So if the Chinese steal those identities, it's gonna backfire.

  • It's like, "I am Bryan Taylor now."

  • It's like, "Okay, Bryan Taylor, you owe Verizon $400."

  • "No!"

  • All right, moving on to some education news.

  • Every public school struggles to raise money

  • for its students and teachers.

  • But a fundraiser at one elementary school in California

  • might have backfired.

  • REPORTER: Disney sent a $250 bill

  • to a California elementary school

  • after it showed last year's remake of The Lion King

  • at a PTA fundraiser.

  • On Thursday a Berkeley elementary school

  • received a letter from Disney's licensing agent

  • and the letter ordered the school to pay the money

  • for screening the movie last November without a license.

  • CHILD: The Disney place

  • wanted some money

  • because they own, like, all of the movie.

  • They showed the movie that they own,

  • so they want the 250 dol...

  • Well, kin... They kind of want the $250.

  • Oh, no, young man.

  • Disney doesn't "kinda" want the $250,

  • Disney's gonna get the $250.

  • Yeah, right now, somewhere Yoda is like,

  • "My money bitch better have."

  • So, yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill

  • to an elementary school for showing The Lion King.

  • Meanwhile, the producers of Cats are giving $250

  • to every school that shows their film.

  • "Please, play the movie, play the movie. Please.

  • You can use this instead of spanking the kids."

  • "We're not monsters."

  • Now, I'm, like... This is what's get...

  • I'm sure there are many schools in America

  • that play Disney movies and don't get busted.

  • So what I want to know is...

  • who snitched? Huh?

  • Is there, like, one kid who had one of those toy phones

  • that calls Mickey Mouse directly and was just like,

  • "Mickey, I got some valuable information."

  • Mickey was like, "Oh, oh, I'm on the way!

  • I'm gonna break some kneecaps!"

  • It's like, who is this kid?

  • All right. And, finally, Valentine's Day

  • is just three days away. So, first of all,

  • if you were planning to break up with someone, too late.

  • Now you have to wait another week.

  • But if you've already been broken up with,

  • here's a little gift you can get for your ex.

  • Valentine's Day fast approaching,

  • and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift

  • for a way to get back at an ex.

  • The Bronx Zoo is once again letting people

  • name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their partner.

  • That gift'll only cost you 15 bucks.

  • If you're looking for a way to feel better

  • about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio

  • and El Paso, Texas will name a cockroach after your ex.

  • Then-- check this out-- you can watch a livestream

  • of that roach being fed to an animal.

  • -Really? -(audience hooting, applauding)

  • Really?

  • Man. I feel bad for the cockroaches.

  • They can survive a nuclear war but they can't survive

  • Alan and Janet's Saturday at Ikea? Really?

  • And I'm sorry, but anyone who does this

  • deserves to get dumped. They deserved it. Yeah.

  • Because you clearly don't know how to deal with your feelings.

  • It's like, "Melissa thinks I'm too emotional?

  • Well, I'll show her by making a cockroach die."

  • Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex.

  • Like, because they won't know it happened.

  • Right? Unless you tell them.

  • It's not like they're gonna be somewhere, like...

  • (gasps) "Oh, no. A cockroach with my name just died."

  • You're gonna have to call your ex

  • and let them know what you did. Is that the plan?

  • Just be like, "Guess what, Susan.

  • "I named a cockroach after you.

  • Then a lizard ate it."

  • It's like, "Uh, okay, Greg.

  • I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for."

  • "Okay, so-so we're both good then.

  • "Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye.

  • Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need three more cockroaches, please."

  • Also, can we admit that this is a scam that the zoo is running?

  • Buy a roach from them and they'll kill it?

  • No. You can just find a cockroach in your own apartment,

  • yeah, name it after your ex

  • and then start dating it.

Equifax.

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