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  • WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • CORONAVIRUS IS ALL ANYONE'S TALKING ABOUT, AND I'LL TALK

  • ABOUT IT SOME MORE TONIGHT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "GOIN'

  • VIRAL."

  • >> TOUCH MY BODY.

  • >> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW HOW MANY?

  • OVER 900 CONFIRMED CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN 36 STATES, AND

  • ONE OF THE WORST HIT STATES IS RIGHT HERE, NEW YORK.

  • START SPREADING THE FLUS ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

  • MUCH OF THE ACTIVITY HERE HAS CENTERED AROUND SUBURBAN NEW

  • ROCHELLE, WHICH HAS THE LARGEST CLUSTER OF THESE CASES IN THE

  • UNITED STATES.

  • WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NEW YORK

  • GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO JUST HEARD SOMEONE COUGH, ANDREW CUOMO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GOVERNOR QOAM ON ANNOUNCED

  • PLANS TO ENFORCE A CONTAINMENT AREA FOR A ONE-MILE RADIUS

  • AROUND THE CENTER OF THE CLUSTER.

  • OH, WHAT A CLUSTERSUCK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AS PART OF THE RESPONSE,

  • GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS CALLED IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.

  • "NATIONAL GUARD"?

  • "CONTAINMENT AREA"?

  • THESE ARE "FAMILY FEUD" ANSWERS FOR THE QUESTION "NAME SOMETHING

  • YOU HEAR IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHOW ME: "OH, GOD!

  • HE'S EATING MY BRAIN!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • NOW, THE NATIONAL GUARD IS NOT THERE TO ENFORCE THE CONTAINMENT

  • AREA.

  • INSTEAD, THEY ARE GOING "TO HELP WITH THE CLEANING OF PUBLIC

  • SPACES AND TO DELIVER FOOD TO HOMES."

  • AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE AREA'S NEW DOMINO'S GUY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS IS A VERY BRAVE ACTION

  • BEING TAKEN BY THESE GUARDSMEN.

  • SO, GUARDSMAN, I SALUTE YOU.

  • OOPS, I'M TOUCHING MY FACE.

  • NOW, PEOPLE IN THE AREA CAN STILL TRAVEL FREELY, BUT THE

  • CONTAINMENT ZONE "BLOCKS ANY LARGE PUBLIC GATHERINGS IN THE

  • AREA, TO PREVENT FURTHER TRANSMISSION OF THE VIRUS."

  • OH, SO IT'S JUST A PRECAUTION.

  • NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

  • IN FACT, GOVERNOR CUOMO TRIED TO CALM ANXIOUS RESIDENTS, SAYING,

  • "THIS IS, LITERALLY, A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHOW ME "LITERALLY A MATTER OF

  • LIFE AND DEATH"!

  • BIG CHOICE.

  • A GOOD ONE.

  • >> Jon: DING, DING, DING, NUMBER ONE!

  • >> Stephen: NUMBER ONE ANSWER!

  • BECAUSE OF ANXIETY OVER THE CORONAVIRUS, EVERYBODY WANTS TO

  • STAY STERILE, AND THAT HAS LED TO A LOT OF PRICE GOUGING IN THE

  • STATE.

  • FOR INSTANCE, PURELL WAS SELLING FOR $79 IN ONE MANHATTAN

  • HARDWARE STORE.

  • WELL, SIDE SAY THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT...

  • A TRUE VALUE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE-- IN RESPONSE,

  • YESTERDAY, NEW YORK STATE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BE

  • PRODUCING ITS OWN HAND SANITIZER, TO BE AVAILABLE AT

  • LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND STATE AGENCY OFFICES.

  • AND, SINCE IT'S NEW YORK, IT WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE ON A

  • FOLDING TABLE NEXT TO A FAKE LOUIS VUITTON CLUTCH, USED

  • PAPERBACKS, AND A BOOTLEG DVD OF "MISTER POPPER'S PENGUINS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW WHEN-- WHEN--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WHEN GOVERNOR CUOMO MADE THE

  • ANNOUNCEMENT, HE DID IT WITH STYLE.

  • >> OPEN THE CURTAIN, PLEASE.

  • WE ARE INTRODUCING NEW YORK STATE CLEAN HAND SANITIZER MADE

  • CONVENIENTLY BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK.

  • >> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT TROUBLES ME: I SHOULDN'T BE THIS EXCITED

  • SANITIZER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS WERE "THE PRICE IS

  • RIGHT," WHEN THAT CURTAIN OPENED IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE THIS.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • NOW-- >> Jon: THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS

  • LIKE, RIGHT ON.

  • >> Stephen: THE GOVERNOR HELPFULLY DEMONSTRATED HOW TO

  • USE HAND SANITIZER.

  • >> IT HAS A VERY NICE FLORAL BOUQUET.

  • I DETECT LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS CUOMO) "LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.

  • AND SINCE THIS IS NEW YORK, ALL OF THAT IS BEING OVERPOWERED BY

  • GARBAGE, AND SUBWAY POOP THAT YOU HOPE IS FROM A DOG."

  • MMM.

  • MMM.

  • MMM.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ALTHOUGH, DON'T GET TOO EXCITED

  • ABOUT THAT FLORAL BOUQUET, AS CUOMO EXPLAINS:

  • >> JUST TO CLARIFY, I SAID THIS HAD A FLORAL BOUQUET.

  • THAT WAS A JOKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT REALLY A

  • JOKE IF YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BE TRUE BUT

  • ISN'T.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, GUYS, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

  • "OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

  • THAT WAS A JOKE.

  • HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • TED HERE THINKS I TELL THE TRUTH WHEN I TALK.

  • WHAT A JACKASS!

  • BY THE WAY, WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?"

  • FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS HAD A HUGE EFFECT ON THE ECONOMY.

  • YESTERDAY, THE DOW FELL 2,000 POINTS, SO THE PRESIDENT

  • IMMEDIATELY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE HIS PLAN

  • TO PLAN TO HAVE A PLAN TO DO STUFF.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO BE MEETING WITH HOUSE REPUBLICANS-- MITCH

  • McCONNELL, EVERYBODY-- AND DISCUSSING A POSSIBLE PAYROLL

  • TAX CUT OR RELIEF, SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF, VERY SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF.

  • WE'RE ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT HOURLY WAGE EARNERS

  • GETTING HELP SO THAT THEY CAN BE IN A POSITION WHERE THEY'RE NOT

  • GOING TO EVER MISS A PAYCHECK.

  • WE'LL BE WORKING WITH COMPANIES AND SMALL COMPANIES, LARGE

  • COMPANIES-- A LOT OF COMPANIES-- SO THAT THEY DON'T GET PENALIZED

  • FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M HERE WITH MITCH McCONNELL

  • AND OTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HASTILY-THROWN-TOGETHER MEASURES

  • THAT FEEL LIKE I'M THROWING HANDFULS OF DRY DOG FOOD AT A

  • CHARGING TIGER.

  • HERE'S A TAX CUT!

  • MAYBE SOME LOANS!

  • SUBSTANTIAL RELIEFS!

  • FOR EVERYBODY!

  • SMALL COMPANIES!

  • FAT COMPANIES!

  • SEXY COMPANIES!

  • UGLY COMPANIES!

  • TELL ME WHEN ONE OF THESE WORKS.

  • ANYBODY SEND UP A FLARE."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY, TRUMP EMERGED TO ADDRESS

  • A WORRIED NATION ABOUT THE VIRUS FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING'S

  • OFFICIAL CHAMBER OF ECHOES.

  • >> JUST STAY CALM.

  • IT WILL GO AWAY.

  • BE CALM.

  • IT'S REALLY WORKING OUT.

  • AND A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I KEPT

  • TELLING MYSELF ABOUT YOU, AND THREE YEARS IN, NO GOOD THINGS

  • HAVE HAPPENED.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO DOWNPLAY

  • HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

  • >> Reporter: HAVE YOU BEEN BRIEFED THAT UP TO 100 MILLION

  • AMERICANS COULD ULTIMATELY BE EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS?

  • >> I'VE BEEN BRIEFED ON EVERY CONTINGENCY YOU CAN POSSIBLY

  • IMAGINE, MANY CONTINGENCIES, A LOT OF POSITIVE, DIFFERENT

  • NUMBERS.

  • ALL DIFFERENT NUMBERS.

  • VERY LARGE NUMBERS.

  • AND SOME SMALL NUMBERS TOO, BY THE WAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

  • "BIG NUMBERS, LIKE 'SEVENTY-TEEN BERZILLION.'

  • SMALL NUMBERS, LIKE '3' AND IT'S A '3 IN A REALLY, REALLY TINY

  • FONT.' THE POINT IS, I KNOW ALL OF THE

  • NUMBERS AND MOST OF THE LETTERS.

  • "L."

  • "P."

  • "M."

  • YOU'D THINK TRUMP WOULD BE TAKING THE THREAT OF THE

  • CORONAVIRUS MORE SERIOUSLY THAN THIS SINCE HE MIGHT HAVE IT.

  • SEE, SOMEONE AT THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR

  • CPAC, LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.

  • AND SOME REPUBLICANS, LIKE SENATOR TED CRUZ AND

  • REPRESENTATIVES PAUL GOSAR AND MATT GAETZ HAVE HAD TO

  • SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME.

  • OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THEIR FAMILIES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE MOST RECENT PERSON--

  • ( CHEERS ) THE MOST RECENT PERSON IN

  • TRUMP'S ORBIT TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS REPRESENTATIVE MARK MEADOWS,

  • WHO PRESIDENT TRUMP JUST LAST WEEK SELECTED AS HIS NEXT ACTING

  • CHIEF OF STAFF.

  • THAT IS A ROUGH START TO A NEW JOB.

  • "WELCOME ABOARD, MARK!

  • HERE'S YOUR KEYCARD.

  • SNACK ROOM'S DOWN THERE.

  • PARKING'S IN THE REAR.

  • NOW GET OUT OF HERE FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE WE BURN EVERYTHING

  • YOU TOUCHED."

  • ONE REPUBLICAN WHO HAS REFUSED TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS TEXAS

  • REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT, SEEN HERE SNORTING THE STEEPLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GOHMERT ALSO CAME IN CONTACT

  • WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PATIENT AT CPAC, BUT HE HAS DECLINED TO

  • SELF-ISOLATE AFTER A PHYSICIAN SAID HE COULD RETURN TO WORK IF

  • HE OBSERVED "PROPER HYGIENE PROTOCOLS."

  • SOUNDS OKAY, BUT YESTERDAY, RATHER THAN LIMIT NON-ESSENTIAL

  • INTERACTIONS, GOHMERT CHOSE INSTEAD TO LEAD A LARGE GROUP OF

  • CHILDREN AROUND THE CAPITOL THAT CONSISTED OF WELL OVER 100 KIDS.

  • ( AS GOHMERT ) DISEASE VECTORS!

  • YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION 'CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE'?

  • WELL, WE'RE GONNA TEST THAT THEORY TODAY!

  • OKAY, HIGH-FIVE!

  • HIGH-FIVE!

  • COME ON."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT THE ECONOMIC PRESS

  • CONFERENCE, REPORTERS ASKED MIKE PENCE ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP

  • HAS BEEN TESTED.

  • >> Reporter: HAS THE PRESIDENT BEEN TESTED?

  • SIR, HE'S BEEN IN CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE IN PROXIMITY

  • TO SOMEBODY WHO HAD THE VIRUS.

  • >> LET ME BE SURE TO GET YOU AN ANSWER TO THAT.

  • I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: (AS PENCE) "WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO

  • THAT QUESTION, BECAUSE WE KEEP PUTTING THE

  • SWABS IN HIS MOUTH AND HE KEEPS EATING THEM.

  • HE THINKS THEY'RE TINY COTTON CANDIES."

  • SO PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO IS NOW SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE

  • GONE INTO SELF-QUARANTINE, STILL HASN'T BEEN TESTED FOR

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • THAT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP OUR EYES OPEN FOR ANY SIGNS

  • OF SICKNESS, LIKE MENTAL FOGGINESS, OR POOR SLEEP,

  • THINNING HAIR, AND STRANGE COLORING.

  • NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP NOT BEEN TESTED.

  • HE SEEMS PROUD OF THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT TAKING ANY

  • PRECAUTIONS TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM.

  • FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, TRUMP ARRIVED IN FLORIDA AND

  • IMMEDIATELY BEGAN SHAKING HANDS WITH PEOPLE WAITING AT THE

  • AIRPORT.

  • YIKES!

  • THAT'S LIKE NOT USING PROTECTION WHEN HAVING SEX WITH A PORN STAR

  • YOU JUST MET AT A GOLF TOURNAMENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHO WOULD DO THAT!

  • WHO?

  • WOULD?

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • CHARLES BARKLEY IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOE BIDEN GETS FEISTY.

  • STICK AROUND!

WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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