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  • With the world on edge,

  • people are looking to their leaders

  • for reassurance and answers.

  • Unfortunately, we have him.

  • So, last night, the president held an emergency live address

  • from the Oval Office to calm the nation down

  • and to find someone else to blame.

  • NEWSWOMAN: Breaking news. Tipping point.

  • President Trump addresses the nation

  • on the coronavirus pandemic,

  • using just his second Oval Office speech

  • to announce the U.S. will suspend

  • most travel from Europe.

  • The European Union failed to take the same precautions

  • and restrict travel from China and other hot spots.

  • As a result, a large number

  • of new clusters in the United States

  • were seeded by travelers from Europe.

  • This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort

  • to confront a foreign virus in modern history.

  • Okay, first of all, it isn't a foreign virus.

  • It's just a virus, okay?

  • Trump makes it sound like corona doesn't speak English.

  • (laughter)

  • And-and... And also, we can blame Europe for many things--

  • colonialism, skinny jeans, Piers Morgan--

  • but this virus is worldwide, all right?

  • It was gonna get here no matter what Europe did.

  • Honestly, it's beginning to look like shutting down borders

  • is just Trump's go-to solution for everything.

  • This is all he thinks about.

  • "What? Problem? Shut a border.

  • Problem? Shut a border."

  • Does he do this in his personal life, too?

  • Yeah? Is Melania just like,

  • "I don't love you anymore, Donald."

  • And he's like, "Close the borders.

  • No one's getting in or out of this marriage."

  • (laughter)

  • Now, Donald Trump's presidential address

  • turned out to be as calming

  • as a pack of fireworks dropped into a bag of cocaine,

  • because not only did he surprise everyone

  • with this announcement

  • but it turns out he almost got everything wrong.

  • NEWSMAN: President Trump ramping up his response

  • to the coronavirus outbreak,

  • but instead of reassuring the public,

  • he caused more confusion than calm, like this statement.

  • We will be suspending all travel from Europe

  • to the United States for the next 30 days.

  • NEWSMAN: The Department of Homeland Security

  • quickly clarifying,

  • assuring the travel restrictions

  • will not apply to U.S. citizens,

  • permanent residents and some of their family members.

  • The ban instead would only apply to foreign nationals.

  • Trump caused more uncertainty

  • when he said the restriction would apply to trade.

  • And these prohibitions will not only apply

  • to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo

  • but various other things.

  • NEWSMAN: But Trump took to Twitter

  • to clear up that statement, writing, "It is..."

  • (reading):

  • President Trump further jumbled the message

  • when he addressed the health care costs

  • associated with coronavirus.

  • Earlier this week, I met with the leaders

  • of health insurance industry,

  • who have agreed to waive all co-payments

  • for coronavirus treatments.

  • NEWSMAN: A White House official later corrected the notion,

  • saying co-payments would be waived

  • only for coronavirus tests,

  • not for treatments of the disease.

  • I'm-I'm sorry, but this is...

  • this is unbelievable.

  • Like, I would... I would understand

  • if Trump made mistakes, right,

  • if this whole thing was off-the-cuff.

  • But how is it possible

  • to get so many things wrong in a prewritten speech?

  • This is crazy. Watching an Oval address

  • shouldn't be a game of two truths and a lie.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • He's just up there like,

  • "The coronavirus is very dangerous.

  • "We need to be vigilant.

  • And my babysitter growing up was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar."

  • (laughter)

  • "God bless America."

  • And this misinformation that the president spread,

  • it caused actual chaos, right?

  • The European travel ban doesn't include American citizens,

  • but that's not what Trump said in his speech.

  • So Americans who are on vacation in Europe

  • rushed to the airport in a panic

  • to fly home before the ban took effect.

  • Yeah, there were even reports

  • of people shelling out thousands of dollars

  • for a last-minute ticket 'cause they were panicking.

  • Yeah. And then the ones who couldn't get them,

  • they just hung off the airplane

  • like one of those trains in India.

  • (laughter)

  • Trump caused so much confusion

  • that even the coronavirus was probably like,

  • "Okay, wait, can I fly to America or not?

  • "Like, I-I'm just gonna call Delta.

  • I don't know what's going on here."

  • (laughter and applause)

  • So, just to be clear, Americans...

  • Americans can fly home from Europe.

  • Which, if you think about it,

  • means they could bring corona back.

  • Yeah. It's not a fail-safe.

  • 'Cause Americans always bring something back with them

  • whenever they come from Europe.

  • Yeah, it's a thing they do, whether it's a disease

  • or a dumb new way to say "croissant."

  • (laughter)

  • Yeah. It's a croissant, okay?

  • You're from Philly. Calm down.

  • And another thing. Another thing that doesn't make sense

  • is that although Trump banned travel from Europe,

  • he didn't ban flights from Ireland and the U.K.

  • And when Trump was asked about that today,

  • he gave one of the strangest explanations of all time.

  • And one of the reasons the U.K., basically, has been...

  • Uh, it's got the border.

  • It's got very strong borders.

  • And, uh, they're... they're doing a very good job.

  • They don't have very much infection at this point,

  • and hopefully, they'll keep it that way.

  • I'm sorry, what?

  • (laughter)

  • The U.K. is fine because it's got "the border"?

  • Other countries in Europe also have "the border."

  • Unless, maybe, does he mean the water?

  • Is that it?

  • What, does Trump think the coronavirus

  • doesn't know how to swim?

  • Because that's racist.

  • (laughter)

  • And also, also, I don't even...

  • I... Like, I can't believe I'm saying... It's not true.

  • The U.K. and Ireland have more corona cases

  • than many of the countries on that list that is banned.

  • So, let's just be real.

  • The reason the U.K. and Ireland are exempt

  • is probably because Trump owns golf courses there.

  • Yeah. Well, that's what I think.

  • You know, if-if Iran thought about it,

  • they would just put a Trump golf course in Tehran.

  • Yeah. They'd have a nuclear deal tomorrow.

  • Trump would just be like, "Now you're enriching me and uranium.

  • It's a win-win. Win-win."

  • (applause)

  • So... So, look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

  • President Trump's Oval Office address last night,

  • it was an absolute disaster, right?

  • But there was a silver lining.

  • Because, you see, for some strange reason,

  • the cameras were recording Trump

  • before he gave his address, all right?

  • But he didn't realize it was rolling.

  • And so today, we got to see the real Trump

  • when he's not acting presidential.

  • And honestly, this was pure comedy gold.

  • You want to do this for me, Alex, please?

  • (exhales)

  • What's our timing?

  • MAN: Two minutes and 20 seconds.

  • Do you like the book being on the desk or not?

  • Would you rather have it not be?

  • May-Maybe it looks better.

  • Gives you something up here, right?

  • Does it matter?

  • What?

  • Oh, (bleep).

  • (laughter)

  • Uh-oh. I got a pen mark.

  • Anybody have any white... Do you have any white stuff?

  • (laughter)

  • "Oh, (bleep).

  • Does anyone have any white stuff?"

  • First of all,

  • his name is Mike Pence, okay, Mr. President?

  • (gasping, laughter)

  • (applause)

  • But can I just say...

  • I can safely say,

  • this is the first time in my life

  • that I've seen the deleted scenes

  • of a presidential address.

  • Like, America's downfall might be scary,

  • but, you got to admit, the bloopers are hilarious,

  • you know?

  • And it was-- it was really weird

  • hearing a president in the Oval Office say,

  • "Oh, (bleep)."

  • Although I guess now we know what it sounds like

  • whenever he gets a call from Eric.

  • (groans)

  • Now, I'm-I'm gonna go out on a limb and say

  • that Donald Trump is as freaked out by coronavirus

  • as regular citizens,

  • which is wild, because he's the president.

  • And the reason I say that is because it turns out

  • the cameras carried on rolling

  • -after Trump ended his speech, -(gasping, laughter)

  • and-and his reaction was priceless.

  • God bless you,

  • and God bless America.

  • Thank you.

  • Okay.

  • Okay. (exhales)

  • (laughter)

  • Yeah...

  • That...

  • is not the sound you want to hear

  • from a president after a serious address.

  • FDR didn't reassure the nation by saying,

  • "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

  • "Okay, Daddy needs a margarita.

  • "Can I get a margarita? Ha.

  • I need a drink. Oh, they still-- they're still here?"

  • So, look, this is all to say that,

  • despite the efforts of sports leagues,

  • amusement parks, state and local governments,

  • unfortunately, the man at the top

  • just does not seem to have his shit together.

  • And with coronavirus now in full pandemic mode,

  • all I have to say to that is,

  • oh, (bleep).

With the world on edge,

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