Name: Evaluating a student's written IELTS essay (part 6 of 8)
Uploaded: 2020-03-25T09:50:55.000Z
Duration: 6 min 32 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

and I just think that the thes Hubert points in their outlines sentence that that old people spend money in a wasteful manner is not really that strong.

The comparative

I think they're just the better, better point we can use.

So for, for example, perhaps something like elderly people need to be looked after.

And this takes up a lot of time or elderly.

People's opinions are probably not as new as younger people's opinions.

So maybe we could argue that their their ideas are a bit dated because they're older and maybe they don't understand the world today, as a lot of people do.

And somehow we could show that that's maybe holds society back in some way, or it's ah, it doesn't help society anyways.

Increased numbers of elderly people in society may cause strain within families as more money is needed to take care of them.

So here Maybe we could have talked about the the way that you know, families have to make sure that they have enough money to take care of these older members, um, of their family, and that this is causing them a lot of strain, and perhaps it's you know, it's it's hurting the family units or something.

There is, I think, that the student shows some some some topics to talk about.

The supporting paragraphs that could have been better.

So you're supporting paragraphs also needs some work.

Here is your first supporting paragraph, so we'll read it really quickly.

We can see there are lots of gambling shops.

The pension money that they normally gets are spent in betting shops.

This example makes clear where retired people are more interested.

That's there is an obvious link between age people in an unhappy society.

So this is the first points that the student is talking about where old people spend money in a wasteful manner.

And, um, my comments were just that, that I'm not really sure what a gambling shop was.

And, uh, I asked him, Is it like a casino?

I'm unsure if this is an effective example, because I do not think old people usually go to casinos to gamble not more than regular people anyways.

Maybe in this students may be in the student's country.

But the time I spent in Dubai and I know in Canada and I've also been in China now for a little while, and I've never really known old people to be really big into wasting their money in casinos or gambling, you know, not in my experience anyway.

So I think the example is a little bit weak because it's hard to see that that's actually a true thing.

I think the example is perhaps a little bit strange.

Also, your discussion sentence does not make sense.

This example makes clear where retired people are more interested, which is a little bit difficult to understand.

Are you trying to show that retired people are interested in wasting money in immoral places?

If this is the case, perhaps your sentence could read.

So I think that the, uh, student might have been talking about, uh, old people using money in immoral places, which just means is like bad places.

So, like like casinos, I guess so are places that are not really positive, uh, considered positive in most societies.

So I thought that they could change the sentence to this example makes it clear that retired people consistently waste money, Any moral places.

Okay, unfortunately, this this whole paragraph, I just feel it's just weak because the idea is weak, that old people are spending money and wastefully.

Now we go on to the conclusion sentence and the conclusions concluding sentence is also bizarre.

Do each people really make a society unhappy?

Perhaps what you mean is that growing numbers of old people will be doing growing numbers of bad things.

So I think the student originally said that it is clear that old people make a society unhappy, which again, I don't think that sentence is true.

I think most people would argue that old people make society happier if anything but But maybe three idea that that they were trying to talk about is that because old people are spending money in immoral places like casinos and other things that if there's more and more old people than there are more and more people spending money in bad places.

Because if there's one old person is spending it in a bad place than 100,000 old people will also be spending 100,000 No times.

100,000 different people will be spending the money in bad places.

So I thought that the student could write this sentence.

As thus there is an obvious link between a growing aged population and immoral conduct within society.

Personally, this is a sentence that I would not agree with because I e think that old people typically or, uh, conducting more moral conduct then than most, most other people, I would imagine I would not imagine old people to generally be doing things.

 He morally, it's not my experience anyways. 