I think it would be better for you to rewrite the first paragraph completely and choose a different topic explaining why more old people in society is negative.

For example, in the small list of possible topics that I made for you above, I think you could talk about how old people's ideas are somewhat dated too traditional and hold society back in certain ways.

Okay, so again, I know I'm saying the same thing over and over, but the first paragraph talking about immoral the moral conduct of old people and how old people are spending money and wasteful ways, um, is not strong.

So I think that the student needs to take that completely out and then put in a new idea.

Okay, so let's go into the second supporting paragraph now.

The second supporting paragraph only has three sentences.

So if you remember, I pointed out when we did the grammar for the second supporting paragraph that it was the topic and the example that I think were kind of linked together.

So here I wrote it is my opinion that you would be best to write a topic sentence for this paragraph.

Before you introduce your example of the fall of funded home care service for the elderly, I think you also need to make it clear that the main problem is that taking care of elderly people puts enormous strain on a country's government.

So I think that in this paragraph, uh, the idea is okay.

I think that they're trying to show that society is strained because they have to take care of old people.

I just don't think that it was It was quite, um, quite presented in the strongest way that it could be so Ah, so I think.

Anyways, just to wrap that up, I think then they need to have ah topic sentence.

Sorry, it's kind of hard to explain it, but he did not actually looking at it.

One second we go back up here, and, uh, here we go.

So has funded Homecare Service's has fallen the over fifties sixties will probably not get paid to care in the next few years.

So the idea was, take this first sentence and break it into two sentences, make it a topic sense and then an example.

Example being that, uh, in the future, the over fifties and sixties will probably not be receiving paid care.

And then we link that we would say that s o I'm.

This is because the, uh they are putting so much strain on the government's and taking care of old people cost so much money case that was what we were going to do there.

Now back down here again.

Now, the conclusion sentence in this paragraph reads, it is obvious that society will be affected and in many classes students the right sentences like this where the sentence, the conclusion sense is e cannot see the link, you know, to the to the thesis.

Because if you remember that, firstly, the thesis was talking about affecting society negatively.

And then here the student rates in the sense it is obvious that the society will be affected.

Well, we don't really know what they're talking about talking about it being affected positively or negatively or, you know, in a big way, in a small way, doesn't really say so.

I think the link to your thesis here has to be a bit stronger.

For example, as a result of this, it is clear that a growing elderly population becomes a burden to society and ultimately affects it in a negative way.

So, uh, if the word burden is new, a burden is something that makes things more difficult.

So a burden to society would be something that makes, uh, society or give society.

Maybe a small problem or makes makes things more difficult for society.

Okay, so in the green, you can see that there's a much more clearer link to the thesis.

Now let's move on to the conclusion paragraph.

Your conclusion paragraph is also structurally incorrect.

Here is the very first sentence.

After analyzing the areas of older people's hobbies and the lack of government funding to pay for aged people care, it is clear that the only factor that will be affected and will have negative effects is the society.

As we know, elderly people normally prefer to live alone.

So as we talked about before, of course, the first main problem is that this sentence is way too long writing on this writing this on an ill it's exam would be a disaster and that's true.

Run on sentences on a Niles exam are definitely not going to help you.

They will probably cause you to fail.

Also, I do not understand why you talk about elderly people wanting to live alone.

Why are you introducing a new idea in the conclusion paragraph.

In addition, the restatement of thesis is very difficult to detect.

So if you remember in their conclusion paragraph, you want to restate your thesis a gain using different words, and in the conclusion paragraph, I just don't see where that is.

It's It's very hard to to find.