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  • [Santiago] God, how can I believe that I’m loved

  • when I’m trying for so long?

  • I’m not a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person.

  • I’m not a terrible person.

  • How do I let go?

  • How do I believe that I’m worth it?

  • In Your great name, I pray, amen.

  • I started noticing feelings for other guys

  • in like eighth grade.

  • Just being around my good surfer friends.

  • And that’s when I started praying.

  • I started thinking about this in a way, like …

  • this doesn’t seem like a phase anymore.

  • My name is Santiago Gonzalez the fourth,

  • and I go to a small Christian University

  • in San Diego, California.

  • I’ll be the first person from my family

  • to graduate from college.

  • [singing]

  • The biggest hurdles of this week will be the different parts

  • of my life coming together.

  • [Austin] Santi and I have been dating for about 10 months now,

  • but to say that were an openly gay couple is

  • a bit of a misnomer, because were pretty closed, based

  • on pretty much me, I’d say, because

  • of my jobs and affiliation with all the different groups

  • on campus that still abide by handbook rules.

  • Point Loma Nazarene University functions by Nazarene ethics

  • and rules, and so I signed a contract coming

  • into Point Loma talking about drugs and alcohol and all

  • that stuff, but it also talked about things

  • like pornography and sexual orientation and sexuality

  • in general.

  • And as I fell in love with a man,

  • I had to develop my own identity and my own beliefs

  • and trust those instead of focusing

  • so much on how other people defined

  • my relationship with God.

  • But I think one of the biggest excitements

  • for me is that I get to meet Santi’s family,

  • and that my parents are coming down for graduation too.

  • And so about a month ago I warned them, I was like,

  • Hey, you guys are coming down for graduation.

  • I know youre going to be here for the whole week beforehand.

  • It would mean a whole lot to me

  • if you would be willing to have dinner

  • with Santi and me.

  • It doesn’t have to be super deep

  • or super intense conversation, it’s

  • just, like, I want you to know Santi’s last name.

  • I want you to know what his face looks like

  • and how we interact together.”

  • A couple of days ago, they called me again and said,

  • We’d like to do that.

  • But we want to make it really clear, Austin,

  • you are our son, and so we want to support you,

  • but we do not support this relationship with Santi

  • at all.”

  • [teacher] “As long as I can read your answers,

  • that’s what matters."

  • [student] “Can we use pen?"

  • “I have pencils."

  • [Santiago] The fact that I got to go to college in the first place,

  • I think it’s just such a … awesome opportunity,

  • to be around people that really

  • try to nurture our faith.

  • Can I dip the bread in the juice?"

  • It’s been somewhat blessed, like I

  • prayed over it a little bit."

  • You prayed over it?"

  • Just a little bit."

  • [Santiago] I think the church is supposed

  • to be this place of this is who you are,

  • and you are fully loved.

  • And I feel like it’s almost in parentheses, it’s like,

  • to become a normal person is to accept

  • Jesus Christ into your life.

  • I think that alone creates a lot

  • of tension between Christians and non-Christians.

  • Lord, were in awe of your provision and grace.

  • Thank you for the hospitality of our host

  • and for the courage of every team member

  • and leaders in saying yes to your invitation

  • to love our brothers and sisters around the world."

  • [Santiago] Throughout my experience at Point Loma,

  • I had a couple different friend groups,

  • just because I never felt like I really fit in,

  • whether it was with, like, my Latino friends

  • or my gay-affirming friends, or my Christian friends.

  • I felt like there was one part of me

  • that I could express, or like a couple different parts,

  • but never my full self, because people

  • wouldn’t really understand all of it in each friend group.

  • Like with my Christian friends that

  • were like dominantly white, for them, being

  • Mexican was like Nacho Libre to them.

  • I see that stereotype, and I like to make fun of it too,

  • but you only see the stereotype,

  • that’s when it becomes a problem.

  • Yeah, I just have like one spot of dandruff."

  • Just one?"

  • But I kind of like it."

  • Santi, what are you doing?"

  • Hair masks.”

  • One of the places that I found myself most comfortable

  • was with my Latina female friends.

  • Yeah."

  • But hopefully he won’t do his roots this time."

  • My sexuality — I could bring that up,

  • and they didn’t care, and they seemed more open about it.

  • What are you doing?"

  • Just a little bit."

  • Ahhh!"

  • That’s what I did."

  • Here it is."

  • [teacher] “As a borrower, you agree to repay your loans,

  • make monthly payments on time, direct all correspondence,

  • to your lender/servicer, notify the lender

  • and servicer of any or all changes,

  • including your name, address — "

  • In high school, I didn’t feel those voices

  • of, like, shame in my life.

  • I was just a shy person.

  • I remember praying to God a lot

  • while I was coming to terms with my sexuality.

  • I began to feel the expectations of the way

  • some of the people in my Christian community viewed

  • right and wrong, but I never felt

  • that my sexuality and my Christian faith

  • were in conflict with the love of God

  • that I had experienced.

  • [music]

  • Stay close."

  • “I’m so sorry.

  • I am so sorry.

  • Viewer discretion is advised!”

  • [Austin] Hey, Santi.

  • I just got off the phone with my parents,

  • and they didn’t necessarily say

  • that they wouldn’t have dinner with us,

  • but that if they did, it would be to convince you

  • and me why we shouldn’t be in a relationship.

  • [crying] Even though I know they believe it’s right

  • and theyre doing what’s right, it’s just hard for me

  • to keep saying, like, “We don’t have to talk about Santi.”

  • Because all of you are people that I really love.

  • But theyre asking me to choose, you know?

  • I think the hardest thing for me right now

  • is to realize that I really, deeply

  • do want to have dinner with you and my parents,

  • but I also don’t ever want you to be treated like youre not

  • being valued as a person, and that youre just someone

  • that theyre trying to convince is wrong for being

  • in love with me, and that I’m wrong for being

  • in love with you.

  • [Santiago] Yeah.

  • If that’s something they feel they need to do, then yeah,

  • I’m willing to be there for you.

  • [Santiago] When I think of manliness, I think of someone

  • who fights for who they are.

  • Culture is trying to tell us that you

  • should dress a certain way.

  • You should act a certain way.

  • You should be buff.

  • You shouldn’t cry.

  • You should have sex with tons of women.

  • But I feel like theyre just boxes

  • that we get tossed into, like whether it’s by our families

  • or by our peers or by our teachers.

  • And as you grow, you start naming things about yourself,

  • and you start becoming those things.

  • In ninth grade, I didn’t know how

  • to navigate the sexual attraction part.

  • And just being a ninth grade boy was like urges,

  • and you have to talk about those things.

  • So I came out to my youth pastor,

  • and he never tried to fix me.

  • He just listened to me, and hugged me,

  • and gave me that strength to know that I was loved.

  • And eventually I ended up telling my mom

  • and my dad and my sister.

  • They were confused by it.

  • What my dad, his sister is gay.

  • But he had these ideas of what it

  • meant to be a man that were so deeply rooted,

  • from Mexican culture and these different norms that are

  • enforced upon Mexican males.

  • And so for him, it was just like, his sister, that’s OK.

  • She’s a woman.

  • But like when he came to his son,

  • he was just very disappointed, I think.

  • I have struggled figuring out how

  • to balance being a Mexican and being an American.

  • I would say I am a Chicano by definition,

  • but by sentiment, I feel like I relate more to my parents

  • in a sense that they were born and raised in Mexico

  • and then immigrated.

  • Like, I’d identify more with that than the Chicano

  • definition, like born and raised in the United States

  • with Mexican roots.

  • Even though that is me."

  • Bravo!

  • Bravo!"

  • Thank you very much.

  • And now, I’m going to appear it."

  • Both my parents didn’t have a college education.

  • My dad was like stereotypically Mexican macho

  • man."

  • Are you from the United States of America?"

  • Here it goes!

  • One — "

  • There was definitely pressure on me — "

  • Two — "

  • " — to provide for your family

  • Three!"

  • " — and be able to protect them."

  • Santi, I just talked with my parents,

  • and they told me that it’s OK, that us not having dinner

  • tonight means that there’s going

  • to be a divide in between us as a couple

  • and them as my parents, and that it’s OK

  • that were not going to be spending Christmas

  • and Thanksgiving together.

  • And I think that to admit to me that it’s OK, [inaudible]

  • it’s OK that were not going to spend really

  • important days together in the future, just

  • made me feel really small.

  • Like everyone goes through this, Austin,

  • it’s not that big of a deal, you know?

  • You know that I love you, so that makes it OK."

  • “I think I have faith that if they met me,

  • if they talked to me face-to-face and told

  • me those things to my face, I think it would be different.

  • By meeting me, I’m no longer this distant thing,

  • but I’d become a human.

  • They’d see a face."

  • She literally said, Santi, you

  • will never be welcome at our house.

  • Youll never be able to walk through our front door

  • and be welcomed in."

  • Youre graduating.

  • It’s the morning of graduation.

  • You a scaredy cat?

  • Whoo!"

  • After graduating, my family’s throwing a party

  • to celebrate, and Austin will be there too."

  • [interposing voices]

  • Time for the toast!"

  • [interposing voices]

  • What are we saying?

  • Just why we love Santi?

  • OK.

  • Well, hi, everybody.

  • I’m Austin.

  • Pleased to meet you all.

  • Wow.

  • Why do I love Santi?"

  • Austin, maybe youre going to feel better if I — "

  • [interposing voices]

  • So Santi and I met for the first time freshman

  • year, and didn’t think much of it,

  • but I thought, at the same time,

  • he was someone that I wanted to talk to and just

  • get to know a little bit.

  • And that didn’t really happen until

  • I think the next time I saw you, we were surfing?

  • We were out in the ocean.

  • And I was, like, freaking out, because I’d never

  • been surfing before, so I went over to him

  • and I was like, Santi, teach me how to surf.

  • That’s when I started to think, like, OK,

  • this kid’s pretty cool.

  • He’s so calm and pensive, and that’s the opposite of me.

  • I’m very like, eccentric and out there.

  • So it was attractive to me, to see

  • someone who’s so thoughtful.

  • And I think that’s something really special

  • that you bring to my life about stopping and slowing

  • down, when so often I want to run through everything.

  • But knowing to just appreciate people for who they are,

  • and I know you love me, and I know I love you too, so."

  • Aww."

  • The closer I get to God, the more

  • I seek truth and reconciliation

  • between the parts of me that seem to conflict

  • or fight one another, the more it

  • seems that God just wants me to let go accept myself."

[Santiago] God, how can I believe that I’m loved

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