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  • - Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • I'm Trevor Noah.

  • Before we begin, some news coming out of Mexico.

  • The Mexican president is raffling off

  • the presidential jet to the people of Mexico, yeah.

  • He says he doesn't need a jet, so he's gonna raffle off.

  • So, for $25, for a $25 ticket,

  • you could win a presidential jet.

  • So, if any Mexican out there was worried about the wall,

  • I think I've got a solution.

  • Here are this week's headlines.

  • Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl.

  • Yesterday's big game was very exciting.

  • Like, I don't know why they don't just make

  • every football game the Super Bowl, you know?

  • That way, you get more people watching.

  • And the best thing about it is,

  • even if you don't like the sport,

  • you're bound to find something else exciting.

  • - And they have done it!

  • Chiefs are Super Bowl champions here in Miami...

  • - Superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes

  • leading the charge in a thrilling comeback,

  • defeating the San Francisco 49ers.

  • Mahomes making history at just 24 years old,

  • becoming the youngest quarterback

  • to be named Super Bowl MVP.

  • - I'm going to Disney World.

  • - Shakira and Jennifer Lopez wowed the crowd,

  • singing and dancing up a storm.

  • - There's one person, though, at the Super Bowl

  • who wasn't that impressed. - I saw this guy.

  • - Check out this one fan in the stands.

  • We got a picture of this. This guy is out cold.

  • A sports reporter caught him

  • catching some Z's during the game.

  • He most likely, of course, paid

  • a lot of money to score a seat.

  • The average price for a Super Bowl ticket

  • is close to seven grand.

  • - Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this.

  • Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money

  • just to miss an incredible experience,

  • or you can see it as this dude balling out so hard,

  • he spent $7,000 just to take a nap.

  • (laughter) That's a serve.

  • But seriously, how-- how chaotic is this guy's life

  • that he's like, "I need to go to the Super Bowl

  • just so I can have a quiet place to sleep"?

  • Like, how noisy is his home?

  • He must have, like, 13 kids,

  • and every one of them is Bernie Sanders.

  • "Dad, Dad, Dad, I can't find my toys!

  • "The DNC stole them from me! Dad! Dad!"

  • But we're-- we're just kidding around.

  • This guy is clearly dead. Now, um...

  • The big moment from last night that everyone was talking about,

  • or raving about, rather, was J.Lo and Shakira.

  • They killed it. They really killed it.

  • (cheering and applause) Yeah.

  • But... but some people were really pissed

  • that J.Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves.

  • Now look, I understand some parents might be angry

  • because there are kids who watch the game,

  • so, for all those parents, just tell your kid

  • J.Lo's a fireman, all right? Problem solved.

  • Right. And here's another thing.

  • J.Lo spent months learning how to be

  • a professional pole dancer for her movie "Hustlers."

  • Let me tell you something. If I spent that much time

  • learning how to pole dance,

  • I would be pole dancing every chance I get.

  • I don't care where I am, I would be doing it.

  • I'd be in the subway like... ♪ Jump on it, let's do it

  • (cheering and applause) ♪ Riding my pony

  • And finally, yesterday was Groundhog Day,

  • which leads me to ask,

  • what the hell is Groundhog Day?

  • People pull a rodent out of the ground,

  • and then ask the animal to predict the weather?

  • I'm sorry. This is so unfair,

  • because if Africans were doing shit like this,

  • and you heard that we pulled animals out of the ground--

  • Like, there are villages in Africa

  • where people wear animal skin,

  • and if I tried to explain to them

  • that Americans use groundhogs to predict the weather,

  • they'd be like, "Ah, but why not use

  • the satellite data, huh?"

  • All right, that's it for the headlines.

  • Let's move on to our top story.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Impeachment.

  • It's democracy's version of sending back a meal.

  • And, today, we reached the series finale

  • of this president's first impeachment.

  • So, let's check in on the latest developments

  • in another installment of

  • "The Magical, Wonderful Road to Impeachment."

  • - ♪ The Magical, Wonderful Road to Impeachment

  • Who knows where it'll go? ♪

  • - It's probably presidential harassment.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Today was the final day in the impeachment trial

  • of Donald Jambalaya Trump.

  • And no big surprise-- he was acquitted

  • by the Republican-run Senate,

  • which was never in doubt. (audience booing)

  • Yeah, yeah. Don't boo. Vote.

  • (scattered cheering) See, impeachment...

  • (cheering and applause)

  • ...was... was-- no.

  • Like, everyone knew where this was going.

  • This was like a movie where you can guess

  • what was gonna happen without even watching it, you know?

  • Like "Titanic."

  • Okay, it's a ship that's gonna sink.

  • Or "Sophie's Choice."

  • Some lady has to decide which dude she's gonna bone.

  • I get it. I get it.

  • So, with the outcome never in doubt,

  • the only really drama today was whether any Republicans

  • would dare vote against Donald Trump.

  • And it turns out there was one man

  • with binders full of courage.

  • - Republican Senator Mitt Romney emotionally announced

  • on the Senate floor that he will break ranks

  • and vote to convict and remove President Trump.

  • - The president asked a foreign government

  • to investigate his political rival.

  • The president's purpose was personal and political.

  • Accordingly, the president is guilty

  • of an appalling abuse of public trust.

  • With my vote, I will tell my children and their children

  • that I did my duty to the best of my ability,

  • believing that my country expected it of me.

  • That is shocking. (applause)

  • That... is...

  • shocking.

  • Who would have thought

  • that the most badass Republican in the Senate

  • would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt?

  • And I got to say, Mitt,

  • you proved everyone wrong.

  • The haters said you were as radical as a glass of skim milk,

  • but they were wrong, Mitt.

  • You're whole milk, my man.

  • That's right. Whole milk, fam.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • And, by the way, I like how Mitt said

  • that he voted this way so that he could tell his children

  • he did the right thing.

  • 'Cause that's such a white people thing to say, right?

  • No, white people love explaining themselves to their children.

  • "I couldn't look my son in the eye

  • if I didn't do the right thing."

  • Black parents don't give a shit.

  • Like, black parents are just like,

  • "Boy, you better not look me in the eye.

  • I made you. I'ma do whatever I'ma do."

  • Now, other than Romney, another Republican senator

  • who was considered on the fence was also--

  • uh, about Trump was Susan Collins of Maine.

  • All right? But she decided

  • that we don't need to throw Trump out

  • because she thinks he's already been scared straight.

  • - There are some senators

  • who could have crossed party lines.

  • Senator Susan Collins will not be one of them.

  • - I'm voting to acquit.

  • I believe that the president

  • has learned from this case.

  • - What do you believe the president has learned?

  • - The president has been impeached.

  • That's a pretty big lesson.