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  • -Yeah.

  • [ Birds chirping ] -Hi, everybody.

  • This is "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."

  • I'm in my tent, obviously.

  • And this is the logo.

  • Clearly, this was drawn by Frannie.

  • Was she distracted today?

  • -[Laughs]

  • I mean what is this?

  • What is this at all?

  • She was clearly like ready for a treat.

  • You know, like, "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."

  • Anyway, it should say, "The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon,"

  • but I don't know what she wrote down there.

  • Tapings? Anyways.

  • Tonight's show, we're Zooming in with J Balvin,

  • who has a new album out, called "Colores,"

  • and his charity is

  • familiesbelongtogether.org

  • and domestic workers.org.

  • That is who he's working closely with right now

  • and that's who we'll be discussing later,

  • as well as his brand-new album, which is awesome.

  • I'm listening to "Amarillo" as we speak.

  • Guys, I'd like to do the monologue tonight.

  • I'd like to start off with that.

  • I want to thank my camera operator, my wife, Nancy,

  • who has maybe laughed at three jokes

  • -[Laughs] -this whole week, so, fantastic.

  • That's support right there. Thank you, honey.

  • Alright. Here we go. [ Clears throat ]

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition" --

  • Tented Edition. Well, guys, we made it

  • to the end of week 1 in self-quarantine.

  • So far, our spirits are high

  • and our wine supply is low.

  • -[Chuckle] -Listen to this.

  • I read that breweries across the country

  • are turning beer into hand sanitizer.

  • But be careful with Coors Light sanitizer

  • 'cause there's not enough alcohol in it to do anything.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But here's some good news.

  • It's officially spring, and it was over 70° today.

  • It was nice. People everywhere

  • were walking around in their seersucker face masks.

  • -[Chuckle] -This is great --

  • In France, a quarantined man ran a marathon inside his apartment.

  • Yep, everyone was excited for the guy,

  • except for the people living in the apartment

  • right below him.

  • "What are you doin' up there, Jean-Luc?"

  • That's right, a man ran an entire marathon

  • in his apartment. By the end,

  • his nipples were socially distant from his chest.

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Officials are warning people to stop flushing Lysol wipes

  • 'cause they're damaging the sewers.

  • Yep, the only thing Americans should flush is toilet paper

  • and senators who profited off the virus.

  • I saw that a restaurant in Minnesota is offering

  • a free roll of toilet paper

  • with every takeout order over $25.

  • That's way better than my plan --

  • running into Chipotle and stealing 10,000 napkins.

  • Everyone's going nuts for toilet paper.

  • It used to be, when you'd walk around with toilet paper

  • stuck to your shoe, people would laugh.

  • Now, they dive for it.

  • "It was mine! I saw it first!"

  • And, finally, I read that drive-in movie theaters

  • are becoming more popular.

  • [ Thunder rumbles ] People are going to drive-ins,

  • eating TV dinners,

  • and calling each other on the phone.

  • Man, this is gonna be the best summer of 1955!

  • [laughs] That's our monologue, everybody.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."

  • I'm in my tent. Would you like to see my tent?

  • Come on. Come on in my tent.

  • It only took me four hours to build.

  • Oh.

  • This is it.

  • This is our tent right here.

  • Clearly, the girls took it over

  • and made it into a fun clubhouse.

  • Coleman said it should take me 20 minutes to put this together.

  • [baritone] They lied!

  • Because it took me about 2.5 hours.

  • But, anyway.

  • It is dry, and it did rain last night,

  • so, props to Coleman on that.

  • It's pretty roomy. I actually --

  • I love it.

  • The more I'm in it, I felt like

  • I built somethin', you know?

  • I accomplished something.

  • And this episode is gonna be intense [in tents]

  • because I am in a tent!

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Nothing from Nancy. Alright. -[Laughs]

  • [ Funk sting plays ]

  • Today is Friday and that's also a time

  • where I write out my thank-you notes.

  • And I was very busy this week, clearly, with everything, so,

  • if you guys don't mind, I'd like to write

  • my weekly thank-you notes right now.

  • Thank you so much. James --

  • Uh, Frannie, could I get some

  • thank-you note writing music, please.

  • ♪♪

  • That's fantastic.

  • Good job.

  • Winnie, are you gonna help me, too?

  • Thank you, flattening the curve.

  • You can show the photo.

  • For also -- Ready?

  • -Mm-hmm. -Thank you, flattening -- -Wait.

  • -One? -No, not yet.

  • No. That's good. You're doing good.

  • Thank you, flattening the curve, for being the reason why

  • we're all staying home

  • and also a great slogan for Spanx.

  • Spanx: Flatten your curves. -[Laughs]

  • -Alright. Now, this one -- Oh!

  • Oh, just this. That goes up here.

  • Frannie, more music.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, home schooling,

  • for basically being 20 minutes of work

  • and 6 hours of "educational" Disney movies.

  • That one can go down.

  • ♪♪

  • Alright.

  • -[Laughs]

  • ♪♪ Thank you,

  • Zoom video conferencing, for letting me pretend

  • that me and my coworkers are starring

  • in a really boring episode of "The Brady Bunch."

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, grocery store shelves, [ Music stops ]

  • for showing us that, even in an emergency,

  • no one's gonna buy prune butter.

  • Music.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, my dog Gary,

  • -[laughs] -and congrats on being promoted

  • to a full-time emotional support animal.

  • [ Laughs ] ♪♪

  • What are you doing?

  • -[Laughs]

  • I need to go --

  • -What? No, you gotta do this thing over here.

  • -[Laughs] -Thank you -- [ Music fades ]

  • Frannie, just press --

  • You know when to press, right?

  • Yeah. [ Intermittent music notes ]

  • Thank you, wi--

  • Thank you, wiping down doorknobs,

  • for making me realize --

  • for making me realize that, before I cleaned you,

  • a total -- Sorry. ♪♪

  • Thank you, wiping down doorknobs,

  • for making me realize that, before this,

  • I cleaned you a total of zero times.

  • ♪♪

  • Damn. Great. Thank you, self-quarantine,

  • for teaching me things I didn't know about myself,

  • like how I'm unable to resist the urge

  • to eat 12 cans of peaches.

  • ♪♪

  • -[Laughs] Thank you, "Cats" On Demand,

  • for now being able -- On Demand --

  • in these crazy times, finally, a dose of sanity.

  • ♪♪

  • -Hello-o-o!

  • -Finally, thank you to all the heroes

  • helping us get through this --