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  • uh, sound you're hearing is trees and leans.

  • I'm in a forest and there's so much wind.

  • But I just bought a new mike today that first might have ever owned.

  • Uh, so hopefully the wind will be cut out.

  • Anyway.

  • I wanna talk about Imposter syndrome.

  • I have it real bad, and I think so many people do.

  • Maybe everyone does.

  • I'm not sure.

  • I don't think it's just the entertainment business.

  • I feel like people who just have other jobs would have imposter syndrome.

  • It's well, I think it's really common.

  • A university we got told about tall Poppy syndrome.

  • Uh, and it sounded like it was just the Australian thing, but I'm sure it's everywhere else as well.

  • But told Poppy syndrome is like people don't like it.

  • When, when told, Bobbie sticks out, you wanna fit in with everyone else.

  • It's bad to stand out.

  • I don't know, might be my culture that I come from might be my country.

  • Might be anything might be my family.

  • I don't know what it is, but whenever it comes down to me explaining what I do, it's like I cannot say I'm good at anything.

  • It's like, Oh, Well, I did this a little bit, and I'm doing my best in this, but it's never like it's never like Oh, yeah, This is my profession, and this is what I do.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • These are my strengths.

  • This is what I'm good at.

  • But I think it's like that for a lot of people.

  • I've had it for a very long time, Maybe forever.

  • Who knows?

  • But I'll give you an example.

  • Like I got a message from someone on Facebook and they're like, Hey, I went to university with you.

  • We didn't talk much, but I just want to let you know no one gets to where you are without a lot of hard work.

  • So congratulations.

  • Keep up the hard work and good job.

  • And my immediate thought was, Oh, my God, they're gonna When are they going to realize that haven't worked hard?

  • I never worked hard enough.

  • Other people work so much harder than me.

  • When is everyone gonna figure it out that I'm Sham?

  • It's always felt like that with so much stuff for university through living here, people keep thinking that I'm more than I actually am.

  • That's just the genuine thought of it, and it's not debilitating.

  • It's not the worst thing in the world.

  • It really sucks a lot.

  • But, you know, I can keep going.

  • I think everybody has.

  • It just does.

  • They just keep going.

  • But I'm wondering, what will it take?

  • Thio.

  • Just you know, I feel normal.

  • Like Walcott post a video Like it, It's great.

  • Can that just be a think and that just be the process.

  • You know what, people?

  • For us to meet you there like Oh, so what's your channel about?

  • And I feel so I feel so gross when I'm like Oh, you know, life in Japan and stuff.

  • Hey, I was Australia Day in an interview as well.

  • So, like what?

  • What makes a channel different?

  • Other people's owe me is that I don't know.

  • There's so many amazing YouTube is out there.

  • And, like the people that I look up to so creative, they are musicians.

  • They are animators, they are writers, they're comedians.

  • There's so many people who have so much more than then YouTube is that platform to release the creativity.

  • Right now, I'm getting back into making stuff and I'm realizing that it's not up to you the kind of creative level that I want, and I'm trying to figure out how to increase that.

  • I have a lot of ideas.

  • They make me really excited.

  • But then it's like, Okay, that's a huge idea that I would need a production team for and like, a $1,000,000.

  • So let's scale it down.

  • And then, in the process of scaling it down, thio me with my camera.

  • It kind of loses its It's Dr and I just Eventually I I can't make this work.

  • I don't know how to do it.

  • Ho hum.

  • And it's such a defeatist attitude.

  • It's pretty much just gonna be me rambling to a camera just about stuff.

  • Since I got here, it's been very interesting.

  • It's bean.

  • It's been a whole, like whole thing has been a huge Johnny, just like learning so much about each other.

  • Let me howto live with each other.

  • Yeah, we were long distance.

  • We pretty much like a year and going from long distance, too, living in the same one room apartment for a while.

  • It's like it's a big jump, and it's being something awesome, like, honestly, he's the first person in my entire life that I've been like.

  • I could live with you like I'm so protective of my space.

  • Everyone who knows me knows that I am so protective and especially like my one room apartment.

  • It's like I built up and worked for that after going through The X Squared made us like this apartment is like my papa, and for me to be able t o be okay with living with someone in that space is like It's huge.

  • Oh, I brought a juice box.

  • It's being really great with it, like I'm so glad we get a chance to know each other, and we get along really well and honestly just keep getting better and better.

  • It seriously does.

  • We're just, like, get more used to it and figure each other out.

  • What's right?

  • It's great.

  • I'm having a really good time actually going back to the imposter syndrome thing.

  • That's why I'm scared to do a day in my life.

  • I used to do them, but I get scared that people will say, like how little I do in a day, even though I don't do a little in a day.

  • I did quite a lot, but But I'm scared that my other people's standards they'll be like, Oh, she doesn't know the She doesn't deserve her job in Japan.

  • The working culture is so intense, it's always I'm not doing enough.

  • I'm not doing enough.

  • But then I'd never be able to do enough.

  • You've got some thinking, burying myself to other people.

  • I'll never be able to do enough.

  • You know, I have to be enough.

  • That's what I talk to my therapist about.

  • We talk about me learning to take care of me and just learning how to appreciate myself more.

  • That's kinda what look like kissing on the moment, which is really good.

  • And all this stuff sounds a bit negative.

  • Things actually really, really great.

  • Right now, I am having a wonderful time.

  • I love Japan, like from the depths of my heart.

  • That's another thing that gets me.

  • I get worried because people say, Oh, I'm used to Japan now.

  • It doesn't excite me anymore.

  • I'm like, When am I gonna reach that point?

  • It has been two years, and I know two years isn't that long, But I'm still like hyped Japan.

  • I'm like, When am I gonna lose it?

  • I don't want to lose this.

  • I don't know what's gonna happen.

  • Maybe we should change locations.

  • Let's do that.

  • Let's get okay.

  • So we're back in a slightly different spot.

  • Uh, more trees in the background.

  • Yeah, something really cute happened.

  • Well, I was on the way over here as I was doing some shuts thes kids came up inside playing with my tripod males like you want to check out the camera, and I, like, gave it to them.

  • And one of them was so into it.

  • And he was like taking pictures and e it was just It was just really cute.

  • And I felt that I could communicate with them like we had a conversation, and it was really nice.

  • I saw their mom.

  • I said hi.

  • Um, and then I was filming a shot.

  • They were like they went possibly I It was like you.

  • Bye.

  • That's another thing.

  • The more that I learned Japanese, I feel the more that I become, like, a part of the community.

  • And this place that I live right now is just so nice.

  • I'm friends with my vegetable lady.

  • Who are you?

  • My vegetables.

  • I just have chats with people still finding it hard to just have a normal conversation with my level of Japanese.

  • But I'm getting there.

  • Yeah, it runs really friendly, really nice and open and welcoming.

  • Being able to speak a little bit Japanese really opens up barriers that without before it's really, really rewarding.

  • Yeah, just in general.

  • Things really good things really happy.

  • Me happy with Eric, who have with my job, I just need to learn how to take care of myself mentally and emotionally.

  • I'm getting that.

  • It's I think it's gonna be a lifelong price as honestly.

  • It's funny.

  • A lot of my oldest stuff I had such mainly my angst and my heart emotions that I used to have were coming from a point of loneliness, and I've always kind of, I don't know, supposed to rely on relationship partner.

  • But my heart was always like yearning for something like I have so much to give.

  • Where can I give you this love except to accept it?

  • It was kind of gross, but it's crazy cause now sounds kind of cheesy, maybe, But like now I found the guy.

  • It's like I don't have to have those feelings anymore.

  • Yeah, overall.

  • A lot of my like, artsy angst.

  • I was just coming from loneliness.

  • And I don't feel lonely anymore.

  • I have been you buy because you've seen, uh, I love my bike.

  • I got a new one because Alex riding my old one and the old one the handlebars was so low.

  • I my back was really not taking it well on that bike, and it was old and rusty.

  • But this one is like it feels like so much more of a me personality thing.

  • And it's so nice writing in around me, writing it pretty much every day at least, right?

  • It's in station.

  • But there's so many more things that are accessible now.

  • Now I can ride to a place that has vegan cheese, soy and almond milk and coconut milk, ice cream, just international foods, artichoke hearts.

  • I love auditor cards.

  • Yeah, just like a bunch of stuff.

  • It's a really good save market.

  • I could just ride that.

  • Now It's really open.

  • So much stuff up.

  • I love writing.