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  • FOLKS, THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS IN FULL SWING, AND I KNOW I MAKE

  • A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT IT, BUT THE FOUNDATION OF OUR DEMOCRACY IS

  • REALLY BEING TESTED RIGHT NOW.

  • ( KNOCKING ) >> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> SORRY.

  • SORRY.

  • HOW'S IT GOING?

  • I'M SORRY.

  • I APOLOGIZE!

  • >> STEPHEN: JON STEWART!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON STEWART!

  • WHAT IN THE WORLD!

  • ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?

  • >> JON: I'M JUST FEVERISHLY WORKING TO PUT THE FINISHING

  • TOUCHES ON MY NEW FILM, "IRRESISTIBLE."

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S VERY EXCITING, AND JON, I'M SO GLAD

  • YOU HAPPEN TO BE HERE TODAY.

  • BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE HEART OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT

  • TRIAL.

  • THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME FOR SOME OF THAT PATENTED JON

  • STEWART TOPICAL COMEDY ABOUT TODAY'S NEWS.

  • AND... GO!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ACTION!

  • IF I MAY JUST VERY QUICKLY -- NO.

  • JUST VERY QUICKLY.

  • >> STEPHEN: WHY NOT?

  • COME ON.

  • >> JON: BECAUSE RIGHT NOW TODAY IS THURSDAY JANUARY 23rd B

  • JANUARY 16.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S LAST WEEK.

  • THE TRIAL HASN'T STARTED YET, STEPHEN.

  • >> STEPHEN: REALLY?

  • IT'S LAST THURSDAY?

  • ARE YOU SURE?

  • >> PRETTY SURE, STEPHEN.

  • THIS IS A PRE-TAPE.

  • CHECK TODAY'S PAPER.

  • >> Stephen: THERE IT IS.

  • BREAKING NEWS.

  • TODAY'S DATE THURSDAY, JANUARY 16.

  • I DID NOT KNOW.

  • WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

  • YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE RIGHT NOW, JON?

  • >> I'M IN L.A. FINISHING.

  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT HERE?

  • I'M NOT HERE.

  • >> Stephen: MY HAND GOES RIGHT THROUGH YOU!

  • >> I'M NOT A GHOST, STEPHEN.

  • I'M AN OLDER MAN WITH PAPER THIN SKIN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NO, YOU'RE JUST PUSHING ON MY

  • FACE.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'M HAVING A HARD TIME ACCEPTING IT, TOO.

  • MISS YOU SO MUCH, BUDDY.

  • I'M NOT DEAD.

  • WE'RE JUST PRE-TAPING A SEGMENT BECAUSE I WANTED TO GIVE YOU AN

  • EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK AT SOME OF MY NEW FILM, "IRRESISTIBLE."

  • >> STEPHEN: OH, GREAT.

  • THE BIG MOVIE YOU'RE DIRECTING STARRING YOUR FAVORITE FORMER

  • "DAILY SHOW" CORRESPONDENT.

  • LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU NEED ME ON SET.

  • THEY HAVEN'T CALLED ME FOR MY WARDROBE FITTING YET.

  • >> THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.

  • WE SHOT IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ACTUALLY STARRING STEVE

  • CARRELL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: WHAT!

  • IT STARS STEVE CARRELL!

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • OH, I GET IT -- >> THE SECOND ONE HAD NO FORCE

  • BEHIND IT!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, I GET IT!

  • THAT'S BETTER.

  • THAT'S BETTER.

  • >> Stephen: OH, I GET IT, JON.

  • YOU WANTED A LESS CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE LEADING MAN.

  • BUT I'M SURE IT'LL BE GREAT.

  • WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

  • >> IT'S A VERY COOL STORY.

  • STEVE CARELL'S CHARACTER IS LEFT BEHIND DURING CHRISTMAS WHILE

  • HIS FAMILY GOES ON VACATION, S THEY FORGET HIM.

  • THEY LEAVE STEVE IN THE HOUSE BYHOMESELF AND THERE'S A BIT OF

  • A CRIME WAVE THAT HAPPENS.

  • I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING, BUT TWO BURGLARS TRY TO BREAK

  • INTO HIS HOUSE-- >> STEPHEN: JON.

  • THAT'S "HOME ALONE."

  • >> YES, HE'S HOME ALONE -- >> STEPHEN: NO, THAT'S THE PLOT

  • OF THE MOVIE "HOME ALONE."

  • FROM 1990.

  • >> I DON'T THINK SO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE MOVIE IS CALLED

  • "IRRESISTIBLE," AND IT'S COMING OUT LATER THIS YEAR.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE CLIP!

  • ♪ (MACAULAY CULKIN SCREAMING)

  • >> YEAH >> STEPHEN: OKAY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GREAT MOVIE.

  • >> CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

  • STEVE IS SO GOOD IN THIS.

  • >> Stephen: YES, YES, BUT THAT WAS MACAULAY CULKIN.

  • >> I DON'T THINK SO.

  • >> STEPHEN: JON!

  • ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW US SOME OF YOUR NEW MOVIE OR NOT?

  • >> JON: YES.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A MIX-UP.

  • I DO HAVE A CLIP FROM "IRRESISTIBLE."

  • ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT STEVE CARELL PLAYS A DEMOCRATIC

  • POLITICAL STRATEGIST WHO JUMPS INTO A MAYOR'S RACE IN A SMALL

  • WISCONSIN TOWN.

  • TAKE A LOOK.

  • (STEVE CARRELL SCREAMING) OH, YOU ( BLEEP )!

  • >> STEPHEN: JON!

  • THAT'S THE "40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN."

  • >> I GOT TO TELL YOU, DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

  • I THINK THAT WAS THE WATER TALKING.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • THIS IS IRRESISTIBLE.

  • ( "CATS" ) >> STEPHEN: JON?

  • >> JON: I'M SORRY.

  • THAT WAS FROM MY PRIVATE PORN COLLECTION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A

  • PUBLIC PORN COLLECTION?

  • >> I DO.

  • YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR IT.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.

  • WE HAVE TO GO TO BREAK SOON.

  • >> JON: OKAY, WELL, BEFORE YOU SUBJECT THESE PEOPLE TO A BUNCH

  • OF "ADS," AT LEAST LET THEM WATCH THE COMMERCIAL FOR MY NEW

  • MOVIE FIRST.

  • HERE IT IS, THE TRAILER FOR "IRRESISTIBLE."

  • ♪ >> DEMOCRATS ARE GETTING THEIR

  • ASSES KICKED.

  • >> WE NEED SOME WAY TO ROAD TEST A MORE RURAL E-FRIENDLY MESSAGE.

  • >> IF YOU CAN'T LIVE YOUR PRINCIPLES --

  • >> IN THE BAD TIMES, I GUESS THEY AREN'T PRINCIPLES, THEY'RE

  • JUST HOBBIES.

  • >> NICE.

  • JOHN WAYNE AND A TRACTOR HAVE A BABY AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS

  • NICE?

  • >> OH, MY GOODNESS, IT'S SO NICE.

  • >> COLONEL JACK HASTINGS IS OUR KEY BACK INTO THE GREAT NOW

  • SWING STATE OF WISCONSIN.

  • >> HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

  • CAN I BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU, NO BULL.

  • >> IT WOULD BE NICE.

  • MY DAUGHTER'S HERE.

  • >> THAT WAS YOUR DAUGHTER WITH HER ARM UP THE COW?

  • GUYS LIKE ME DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GUYS LIKE YOU.

  • DO YOU HAVE A BOTTLE OPENER?

  • >> NO, IT'S A TWIST-OFF.

  • MAYBE HE DOES NEED A BOTTLE OPENER.

  • >> BUT I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER MY SERVICES.

  • ( MOOING ) >> QUIET THE COW, PLEASE!

  • TO HELP YOU RUN FOR MAYOR.

  • AND IF YOU COULD GET SOME TO FACE FRONT!

  • I'M TELLING YOU JACK COULD BE THE REAL DEAL.

  • THE CAMPAIGN HAS THE ATTENTION OF THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN

  • PARTY.

  • >> WHY ARE YOU HERE?

  • CRUSHING THE LAST PIECE OF HOPE IN YOUR EYES GETS ME OFF.

  • NICE TO SEE YOU.

  • YOU LOOK FAT.

  • I'M GOING TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OF THIS!

  • >> ON HERE, BOYS.

  • GAME ON.

  • >> TONS OF PREP, LOTS OF MONEY.

  • HIS SEEMS A BIT CRAZY.

  • DON'T PUT ALL THE BLACK ONES IN THE CENTER.

  • HE'S RUNNING AS A MODERATE.

  • >> THIS IS THE A TEAM.

  • ALL YOU HAVE IS FEAR.

  • >> 20 BUCKS SAYS I DO BETTER WITH FEAR THAN YOU DO WITH

  • SHAME.

  • >> THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY CAN'T WIN.

  • THEY'RE GETTING DESPERATE.

  • THIS IS REALLY JUST ANOTHER PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THE D.C.

  • ELITE TRYING TO DECK AT A TIME HOW WE SHOULD LEAVE.

  • >> THAT'S WE, YOU'RE D.C. ELITE.

  • NO, I'M ACTUALLY FROM HERE.

  • THAT'S A LIE.

  • THAT'S A LIE!

  • >> NO.

  • WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

  • I'M FROM HERE.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • >> NO -- ♪

  • ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: "IRRESISTIBLE" WILL BE IN THEATERS THIS SPRING

  • AND YOU CAN SEE THE TRAILER AT IRRESISTIBLEFILM.COM.

  • JON STEWART, EVERYBODY!

  • BACK IN THE PIT!

FOLKS, THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS IN FULL SWING, AND I KNOW I MAKE

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