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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY!

  • THE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.

  • THE FRIDAY EXCITEMENT.

  • THE FRIDAY ELECTRICITY.

  • YOU CANNOT FAKE THAT!

  • IT HAS BEEN A HUGE WEEK IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

  • THERE WERE SOME BIG PRESIDENTIAL DROP-OUTS THIS WEEK, INCLUDING

  • FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE HUNTING

  • DOWN THE STAFFER WHO TOLD HIM HE'D LOOK MORE RELATABLE IN THAT

  • SHIRT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BLOOMBERG SPENT A LOT OF MONEY

  • FOR VERY FEW VOTES, BUT HE DID LEAVE A STRONG IMPRESSION ON ONE

  • VITAL NON-VOTING DEMOGRAPHIC: KIDS WHO SAW HIS ADS ON

  • YOUTUBE.

  • ONE 13-YEAR-OLD INTERVIEWED BY REPORTERS ESTIMATES HE HAS SEEN

  • "AT LEAST HUNDREDS" OF BLOOMBERG'S ADS WHILE WATCHING

  • GAMING TUTORIALS.

  • THAT'S RIGHT: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG PUT ADS ON GAMING TUTORIALS.

  • HIS TIPS: COLLECT AND SPEND BILLIONS OF COINS, THEN

  • IMMEDIATELY DIE ON THE FIRST LEVEL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • AND IT MADE AN IMPRESSION.

  • I'LL GET THROUGH IT.

  • AND BLOOMBERG'S ADS WORKED.

  • ONE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD'S MOM SAID "HER SON WAS INSPIRED BY

  • BLOOMBERG.

  • ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.

  • MIKE'S GOING TO DO ALL THESE THINGS.

  • HE'S NOT GOING TO BUILD THE WALL."

  • AND AFTER SUPER TUESDAY, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS MIKE'S NOT

  • GOING TO DO.

  • BUT ONE PERSON STILL ABLE TO DO SOME THINGS IS BERNIE SANDERS.

  • UP UNTIL NOW, SANDERS HAS BEEN THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO HAS NOT

  • RELEASED AN OBAMA AD.

  • BUT AFTER HIS LESS-THAN-SUPER TUESDAY, BERNIE SANDERS DECIDED

  • TO EMBRACE THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • >> BERNIE IS SOMEONE WHO HAS THE VIRTUE OF SAYING EXACTLY WHAT HE

  • BELIEVES-- GREAT AUTHENTICITY, GREAT PASSION-- AND IS FEARLESS.

  • BERNIE SERVED ON THE VETERAN'S COMMITTEE AND GOT BILLS DONE.

  • I THINK PEOPLE ARE READY FOR A CALL TO ACTION.

  • THEY WANT HONEST LEADERSHIP WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.

  • THEY WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S GOING TO FIGHT FOR THEM!

  • AND THEY WILL FIND IT IN BERNIE.

  • THAT'S WHY I FEEL THE BERN!

  • >> I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • HE IS STRAIGHT UP STEALING BIDEN'S WHOLE IDENTITY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S NEXT?

  • ( AS BERNIE ) "I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I HAVE

  • A MESSAGE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

  • NO MORE MALARKEY.

  • I WAS ARRESTED ON THE WAY TO SEE NELSON MANDELA, AND I ONCE

  • FOUGHT A MARGINALIZED AFRICAN AMERICAN CHILD NAMED CORN POP.

  • COME ON!

  • HORSEFEATHERS!

  • CRACKERJACK!

  • THIS IS WHAT YOU RUBES LIKE, RIGHT?

  • COME ON!" NOW, HERE'S THE RUB: BERNIE

  • CHERRY-PICKED HIS QUOTES FOR THAT AD, AND MANY OF THEM OMIT

  • IMPORTANT CONTEXT.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, THE "FEEL THE BERN" QUOTE CAME FROM A SPEECH IN

  • WHICH OBAMA WAS ENDORSING HILLARY CLINTON.

  • BERNIE'S FACED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR THIS AD, BUT HE

  • DOESN'T SEEM TO BE BACKING DOWN.

  • TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE JUST RELEASED JUST TODAY.

  • >> TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY BROTHER, BERNIE

  • SANDERS, A.K.A., MY BEST FRIEND.

  • THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN.

  • HE'S REVOLUTIONIZING BASKETBALL.

  • BERNIE SANDERS KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.

  • ♪ I...

  • SO IN LOVE WHERE YOUBERNIE SANDERS.

  • BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT COULD HELP.

  • THAT COULD HELP.

  • THAT COULD PUSH HIM OVER THE TOP.

  • THIS WEEK, WE FOUND OUT THAT TRUMP'S GETTING HIS OWN POP-UP

  • ADS IN THE SKY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S REELECTION

  • CAMPAIGN IS PLANNING TO FLY A BLIMP ABOVE SWING STATES.

  • WOW.

  • A GIANT, SLOW-MOVING, DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN IS GETTING HIS

  • OWN BLIMP!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, HE MIGHT--

  • ( APPLAUSE ) HE MIGHT...

  • OF COURSE, HE MIGHT BE USING THE BLIMP JUST TO FLY AWAY FROM US

  • DISEASE-RIDDLED HUMANS, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THE

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • THERE'S A LOT OF ANXIETY.

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."

  • >> I'M DATING THE MUCINEX GUY.

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE SLOWLY LEARNING MORE DETAILS ABOUT

  • THIS THING.

  • FOR INSTANCE, CHINESE SCIENTISTS HAVE IDENTIFIED TWO STRAINS

  • OF THE CORONAVIRUS: ORIGINAL AND EXTRA CRISPY.

  • ONE OF THE BIG PIECES OF ADVICE TO COMBAT CORONAVIRUS IS DO NOT

  • TOUCH YOUR FACE.

  • BUT FOR ONE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL IN CALIFORNIA, THAT WAS

  • EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

  • >> TODAY START WORKING ON NOT TOUCHING YOUR FACE BECAUSE ONE

  • MAIN WAY VIRUSES SPREAD IS WHEN YOU TOUCH YOUR OWN MOUTH, NOSE,

  • ORIZE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: YES-- YES, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH YOUR... MOUTH...

  • NOSE... OR EYES.

  • MY COLLEAGUE, DR. ROBINSON, CAN EXPLAIN FURTHER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO HAVING A

  • HUGE EFFECT ON EDUCATION.

  • INCLUDING IN THE U.S.

  • THERE ARE NOW SCHOOL CLOSURES IN 22 COUNTRIES ON THREE

  • CONTINENTS, ADDING UP TO 290.5 MILLION STUDENTS WORLDWIDE.

  • SO MANY SCHOOLS ARE OFFERING ONLINE CLASSES, INCLUDING

  • ONLINE PHYSICAL EDUCATION, WHERE STUDENTS FOLLOW ALONG AS AN

  • INSTRUCTOR DEMONSTRATES PUSH-UPS ONSCREEN.

  • AND TO GET THE FULL GYM CLASS EXPERIENCE, THEY ALSO SEND

  • BULLIES TO YOUR HOUSE TO THROW BALLED-UP WET PAPER TOWELS AT

  • YOU WHILE YOU TRY TO PEE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE'S ACING

  • TELE-SCHOOL.

  • AROUND THE WORLD, GRANDPARENTS ARE PITCHING IN FOR CHILDCARE.

  • BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HELPING THE KIDS WITH THE ONLINE CLASSES,

  • THE GRANDPARENTS DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW THE TECHNOLOGY.

  • ( AS GRANDPARENT ) "LET'S SEE HERE.

  • IT SAYS HERE TO 'USE THE ONE-TIME PASSCODE TO ACCESS THE

  • LEARNING PORTAL.' OKAY.

  • HUH.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT, PUMPKIN?

  • HOW ABOUT WE DO SOMETHING WE BOTH LIKE: TAKING OUR PUDDING

  • CUPS OUTSIDE AND YELLING AT THE BIRDS.

  • DAMN BLUE JAYS!'" HERE IN THE U.S., THE MAJORITY

  • OF THE CASES SEEM TO BE CENTERED AROUND SEATTLE.

  • I GUESS IT WAS A BAD TIME FOR STARBUCKS TO TEST-MARKET THEIR

  • NEW COFFEE TROUGH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS, DEEPS HOT.

  • DESPITE THIS RISK, THE ORGANIZERS OF NEXT WEEKEND'S

  • "EMERALD CITY COMICON" IN SEATTLE SAY IT WILL GO ON AS

  • SCHEDULED.

  • BRINGING THOUSANDS OF NERDS TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A

  • VIRAL OUTBREAK?

  • FORGET "DR. WHO."

  • I WANNA KNOW DR. WHY?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) COMICON'S NOT THE ONLY VENUE YOU

  • CAN STILL ATTEND DURING THE OUTBREAK, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A

  • MEDICAL EXPERT, COMPARED TO OTHER COMMUNAL AREAS, "THE GYM

  • IS NOT RISKIER."

  • COOL!

  • I CAN'T WAIT TO DEFINITELY CONTINUE GOING TO THE GYM TO

  • PUMP MY IRONS AND SQUAT MY THRUSTS.

  • I LOVE THE GRUNTING AND THE SMELLS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, HEALTH EXPERTS!

  • STOP TELLING US TO AVOID FUN PLACES LIKE CONCERTS AND

  • SPORTING EVENTS BUT SAYING, "GYM'S ALL CLEAR!"

  • NEXT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY, "STAY AWAY FROM PIZZA, BUT FEEL FREE

  • TO SWING BY THE BROCCOLI STORE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW SOME BUSINESSES-- NO ONE

  • ASKED FOR THIS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.

  • I'M SO GLAD, MAKES ME HAPPY, SMILING LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.

  • SOME BUSINESSES ARE BEING EXTRA CAREFUL, PARTICULARLY TECH

  • COMPANIES.

  • TWITTER HAS TOLD ALL OF ITS EMPLOYEES TO WORK AT HOME

  • BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • YES, IMPORTANT-- TWITTER DOES NOT WANT TO CREATE A HARMFUL,

  • TOXIC ENVIRONMENT...

  • IN REAL LIFE.

  • EVEN TINDER IS TRYING TO HELP FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.

  • THE DATING APP NOW HAS A POPUP WARNING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE

  • HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS AND POTENTIALLY DEADLY DISEASE.

  • I BELIEVE WE HAVE A SCREENSHOT OF THAT WARNING.

  • "COVID-19 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.

  • PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU AND A

  • STRANGER SMASH IN THIS P.F. CHANG'S BATHROOM."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LETTUCE WRAP, BABY.

  • >> Jon: EWWWW!