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  • -Hi, everyone. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • I'm Jimmy Fallon.

  • As of this morning, we planned to do a show

  • with a full audience, but as the day progressed

  • and the more we thought about it,

  • we and NBC decided it be smarter to not have an audience

  • in order to do our part

  • to help decrease the spread of the coronavirus.

  • So the show's gonna be a little different than it normally is.

  • Like you, I'm watching the news,

  • and I'm just as confused and freaked out as you are.

  • I know that speech last night didn't help.

  • But what I do know is, when we're there for each other,

  • we're at our best.

  • And I am here for you. We are here for you.

  • I want to thank our staff and crew,

  • many of whom worked from home...

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ...to put on this show tonight.

  • I really appreciate you guys.

  • We're gonna try to entertain you.

  • We're gonna have Dr. Oz out here in a little bit

  • to walk us through what's going on and what we can do.

  • So if you want, maybe just put your phones down

  • and enjoy an hour of mindless entertainment.

  • It's gonna be a fun show. The Roots are here!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Higgins is here.

  • Now let's start the monologue. Here we go.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Budget cuts. -Could we get smaller cards?

  • -Yeah, no -- -When we have a regular show,

  • they're bigger cards. -Yeah.

  • -Well, guys, if the world isn't suffering enough,

  • last night on "The Masked Singer,"

  • we found out Sarah Palin was the bear,

  • and she even performed without her mask.

  • Check it out.

  • -♪ Deep in the jeans she's wearing

  • ♪ I'm hooked, and I can't stop staring

  • Oh, baby

  • Want to get wit'cha

  • And take your picture

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm sure it's fine.

  • I mean, when has a conservative celebrity on a reality show

  • ever been a problem? [ Laughter ]

  • Of course, the big story is the coronavirus.

  • These are some really tense times.

  • Seriously, at this point,

  • I wouldn't mind a massage from Joe Biden.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Last night, President Trump addressed the nation

  • from the Oval Office.

  • It was a nice change from his usual speeches

  • right next to a helicopter.

  • [ Helicopter blades whirring ] "I'm about to go on a trip

  • in this flying whirlybird car.

  • Me go in sky now. Bye-bye."

  • This is only the second time Trump has addressed the country

  • from the Oval Office.

  • The first was during the great McRib shortage of 2018.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, the last time Trump spoke from the Oval Office,

  • it was about his plans to build his border wall,

  • which means in two years,

  • the coronavirus should be about 10% taken care of.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Trump wanted to give a speech to reassure the nation

  • that everything is gonna be okay, and I think it worked.

  • Today, the stock market only dropped 2,000 points.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • During his address, Trump said, starting Friday,

  • people from Europe can't fly to the U.S.

  • He was like, "We have to stop the virus,

  • so instead of flying here,

  • I want everyone to take a cruise."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And officials -- normally when we do this,

  • we rehearse these jokes... -Right.

  • -...in front of a rehearsal audience,

  • but today, obviously, there's no audience.

  • -Yeah. -Just bear that in mind.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • I think you know already. -Yeah.

  • -Yeah. Anyways. Yeah.

  • And officials want to be very careful

  • with the Americans returning from Europe.

  • They said the only thing worse than coming back with the virus

  • is coming back and pronouncing Barcelona, "Barthelona."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -[ Laughing ] Hey.

  • "Esprestho."

  • -But early on in Trump's address last night,

  • he struggled with the word "continuing."

  • -I am confident that by counting and continuing

  • to take these tough measures...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Can we see -- What? What was it?

  • Can we watch that again? What was it?

  • -I am confident that by counting and continuing to take...

  • -That's good, that's good, that's good.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm confident by counting -- and continuing --"

  • It sounds like his tongue is quarantined from his mouth.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Was someone pinching him under the desk?

  • "Counting --" [ Inhales sharply ]

  • "And continuing."

  • Did you see this? C-SPAN did a livestream

  • of Trump's speech, but it went on a little longer

  • than they meant to.

  • You could actually see Trump after his speech was over.

  • Watch this.

  • -We're clear. -Okay.

  • Ok-a-ay.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Come on! -He's like, "Ok-a-ay.

  • So... So that just happened.

  • Okay."

  • Sounds like everyone trying to wrap a long call

  • with their parents. "Okay. I gotta run."

  • Mm. -Hmm.

  • -Mm. -Oh, that's a new pile.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, come on. No.

  • No. -No!

  • -Dude, I'm waiting for J.P. Morgan to stop me.

  • -No! No!

  • -Oh.

  • -Shredder! [ Motor whirring ]

  • -Okay. [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, today, Trump spoke alongside

  • the prime minister of Ireland.

  • You can tell Trump enjoyed his time

  • with the Irish prime minister 'cause right after,

  • he declared the coronavirus "magically contagious."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Hey!

  • -♪ They're magically contagious

  • ♪♪

  • All right. In the middle there.

  • But this isn't good. Last night, the NBA announced

  • that they are suspending the season indefinitely.

  • That means, across the country, there are now 30 empty arenas,

  • or as that's also known, a tour for Three Doors Down.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, no, you didn't!

  • [ Cymbal crash ] -I didn't do that.

  • Oh, snap.

  • -What? -Wow!

  • -I didn't -- I didn't write it.

  • I didn't do it -- say it. You said it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What -- What's Three Doors --

  • What song did Three Doors Down do?

  • -Uh... -"Superman," right?

  • Something about... -Oh, oh.

  • If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman

  • [ Singing gibberish ]

  • Holding my hand

  • [ Singing gibberish ]

  • My super human

  • My kryptonite

  • Ye-e-e-e-e-ah! ♪

  • Not that bad.

  • -Wow. We know that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -How do you know that?

  • I know almost every word.

  • -I'm impressed that we know that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm sorry. -I should write down

  • all the new songs... -Yeah, exactly.

  • -...that we learned while doing these shows.

  • Yeah. -There you go.

  • -Right? -Yeah.

  • -A lot of things are happening. In fact, a lot of companies

  • have sent home nonessential employees.

  • So if you're at home right now, I'm glad you're safe

  • and sorry that you're considered nonessential.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "All right. I guess I'm nonessential?

  • Is that cool?" -"Come on."

  • -And, finally, I read about a company

  • that started selling packs of 20 pre-made jello shots.

  • Americans heard and were like, "Forget Purell.

  • Just give us that. Hey! Ba-dum ching!"

  • [ Rim shot ] That's it.

  • That is tonight's monologue, everybody, right there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know why I was saving -- -Come on, yeah.

  • -Maybe I'll put it on an inspiration board or something.

-Hi, everyone. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

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