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  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE

  • SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TODAY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • TODAY WAS THE THIRD DAY OF TESTIMONY IN THE SENATE

  • IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF DONALD TRUMP.

  • NOW WE'VE HEARD -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • BACK IT DOWN.

  • WE'VE HEARD A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF PERHAPS THE

  • GREATEST ABUSE OF POWER EVER BY A U.S. PRESIDENT, AND AMERICA

  • IS WATCHING.

  • IN FACT, DAY ONE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL DREW 11

  • MILLION VIEWERS.

  • THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT SUPER BOWL RATINGS

  • BUT IT'S AT LEAST PUPPY BOWL RATINGS.

  • THOUGH THAT'S NOT FAIR TO COMPARE PUPPIES TO U.S.

  • SENATORS.

  • THE PUPPIES STILL HAVE THEIR BALLS.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

  • TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

  • >> PRESIDENT ZELENSKY!

  • I WANT QUID PRO QUO.

  • >> STEPHEN: AS WE SPEAK, THE DEMOCRATIC HOUSE MANAGERS ARE

  • STILL MAKING THEIR CASE.

  • AND THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

  • LIKE WHEN JERRY NADLER TRIED TO EXPLAIN WHY CRIME IS BAD.

  • >> THE FRAMERS HAD THREE SPECIFIC OFFENSES IN MIND--

  • ABUSE OF POWER, BETRAYAL OF THE NATION THROUGH FOREIGN

  • ENTANGLEMENTS, AND CORRUPTION OF ELECTIONS.

  • YOU CAN THINK OF THESE AS THE A.B.C.S OF HIGH CRIMES AND

  • MISDEMEANORS.

  • ABUSE, BETRAYAL AND CORRUPTION.

  • >> STEPHEN: OOH, A-B-C, THAT'S GOOD!

  • LET ME TRY ONE.

  • THE IMPEACHMENT ONE-TWO-THREES: TRUMP NEVER WON THE POPULAR

  • VOTE, HE'S TOO CORRUPT TO HAVE THIS JOB, AND THREE YEARS IS

  • ENOUGH.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NADLER TOOK A MINUTE TO BURN

  • LINDSEY GRAHAM WITH HIS OWN WORDS.

  • >> THEN-HOUSE MANAGER LINDSEY GRAHAM, WHO, IN PRESIDENT

  • CLINTON'S TRIAL FLATLY REJECTED THE NOTION THAT IMPEACHABLE

  • OFFENSES ARE LIMITED TO VIOLATIONS OF ESTABLISHED LAW.

  • HERE IS WHAT HE SAID: >> WHAT'S A HIGH CRIME?

  • HOW ABOUT AN IMPORTANT PERSON HURT SOMEBODY OF LOW MEANS?

  • DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CRIME.

  • IT'S JUST WHEN YOU START USING YOUR OFFICE AND YOU'RE ACTING IN

  • A WAY THAT HURTS PEOPLE.

  • YOU'VE COMMITTED A HIGH CRIME.

  • >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, BUT THAT WAS LINDSEY 20 YEARS AGO.

  • PEOPLE CHANGE!

  • VIEWS EVOLVE!

  • SPINES DISINTEGRATE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE TRIAL DAYS HAVE BEEN GOING

  • FOR HOURS AND HOURS, WHICH IS A LOT FOR SOME OF THE SENATORS.

  • TODAY, WE LEARNED, IN ORDER TO BE READY FOR THE LATE NIGHTS,

  • IOWA REPUBLICAN CHUCK GRASSLEY HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN UNTIL 7:20

  • A.M.

  • WOW, 7:20 A.M., NO WONDER HE LOOKS SO WELL RESTED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BY LAW, SENATORS ARE SUPPOSED TO

  • SIT QUIETLY AND PAY ATTENTION, BUT TODAY, ACCORDING TO

  • REPORTERS IN THE GALLERY, SENATOR BURR HAS A FIDGET

  • SPINNER, RAND PAUL HAS QUITE THE SKETCH OF THE CAPITOL GOING, AND

  • MARSHA BLACKBURN IS READING A BOOK.

  • THAT BOOK?

  • "CHICKEN SOUP FOR WHEN YOU'VE SOLD YOUR SOUL."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FINE BOOK.

  • FINE BOOK.

  • >> Jon: WOW, INTERESTING.

  • >> Stephen: THE RULES ALSO SAY THEY'RE

  • SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THE ROOM, BUT DURING LAST NIGHT'S SESSION,

  • LINDSEY GRAHAM LEFT THE SENATE CHAMBER FOR OVER 20 MINUTES.

  • WHEN A REPORTER ASKED HIM WHERE HE WENT, GRAHAM REPLIED, "TO THE

  • BATHROOM."

  • 20 MINUTES IN THE BATHROOM?

  • THOSE ARE TEENAGE NUMBERS.

  • "LINDSEY!

  • LINDSAY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

  • ARE YOU ON YOUR PHONE GETTING MARCHING ORDERS FROM THE WHITE

  • HOUSE?" "AH, NO, I SWEAR.

  • I'M MASTURBATING!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • IT'S NOT BELIEVABLE, CHRIS.

  • IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICANS.

  • THE TRIAL DIDN'T END UNTIL ALMOST 10:00 P.M. LAST NIGHT,

  • BUT DEMOCRATIC SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN WALKED OUT OF THE

  • SENATE CHAMBER AT 8:45.

  • SHE SAID "GOOD NIGHT" TO TWO REPORTERS STANDING NEARBY, AND

  • LEFT THE CAPITOL.

  • THAT'S A BOLD NEW TAKE ON THE DEMOCRAT'S BATTLE CRY, "WHEN

  • THEY GO LOW, WE GO HOME."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ONE REASON SENATORS MIGHT BE

  • DITCHING IS THAT NO ELECTRONICS ARE ALLOWED IN THE SENATE

  • CHAMBER DURING THE TRIAL, WHICH HAS CAUSED SOME LAWMAKERS TO

  • REVERT TO MORE PRIMITIVE MEANS OF COMMUNICATION, LIKE PASSING

  • NOTES.

  • WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON ONE OF THE NOTES:

  • "DO YOU LIKE COVERING UP TRUMP'S CRIMES?

  • YES, NO, OR GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE WHAT WE HAVE DONE."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL OF THE ABOVE?

  • ALL OF THE ABOVE?

  • BUT YOU KNOW, IF SENATORS ARE LOOKING FOR THINGS TO DO WITHOUT

  • THEIR PHONES, WE'VE CREATED AN ACTIVITY BOOK THEY CAN PLAY

  • WITH, CALLED "101 FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE SENATE OTHER THAN PAY

  • ATTENTION TO IMPEACHMENT."

  • IT'S LOADED WITH PUZZLES, LIKE "GETTING MONEY TO UKRAINE

  • THROUGH THE MAZE OF CORRUPTION."

  • "SPOT SIX DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THESE TWO IMPEACHMENTS."

  • AND IF THOSE TWO ARE TOO HARD, "CONNECT-ONE-DOT!"

  • THERE IT IS.

  • ONE.

  • ONE DOT.

  • ONE DOT, PLEASE.

  • SOME SENATORS USED A TECHNIQUE THAT I'VE EMBRACED FOR YEARS:

  • EATING BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED.

  • AND THE SNACK ROOMS ARE WELL-STOCKED.

  • MOUNDS OF SNACKS COULD BE SEEN IN BOTH THE DEMOCRATIC AND

  • REPUBLICAN CLOAKROOMS, AND DICK DURBIN REFERRED TO THE BOUNTY IN

  • THE DEMOCRATIC ROOM AS A "COSTCO DUMP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) INCIDENTALLY, A "COSTCO DUMP" IS

  • THE ACTUAL REASON LINDSAY GRAHAM WAS IN THE BATHROOM FOR 20

  • MINUTES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • CHEESE BALLS.

  • LOT OF CHEESE BALLS.

  • YOU OKAY?

  • YOU OKAY OVER THERE?

  • EVERYBODY OKAY?

  • WHILE REPUBLICANS ARE FIGHTING TOOTH AND NAIL TO KEEP TRUMP IN

  • OFFICE, DEMOCRATS ARE STILL GUMMING AWAY AT EACH OTHER IN

  • THE PRIMARY.

  • I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S:

  • ♪ >> YOU, OFF THE BOARD, I'M ABOUT

  • TO DRAG YOU OFF!

  • >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

  • I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

  • IT'S CRAZY.

  • >> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.

  • [ APPLAUSE ] FOR OUR GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.

  • INCREDIBLE.

  • >> Jon: YES.

  • >> Stephen: BIG NEWS FROM THE CAMPAIGN OF FORMER NEW YORK CITY

  • MAYOR AND MAN WHOSE UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS JUST STARTED DOING IT,

  • MIKE BLOOMBERG.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BLOOMBERG HAS VOWED TO SPEND

  • UPWARDS OF A BILLION DOLLARS TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND RECENTLY, HE ANNOUNCED THAT HE PLANS ON HELPING TO FUND

  • WHOEVER WINS THE PARTY'S NOMINATION, EVEN IF IT ISN'T

  • HIM.

  • THAT'S GREAT TO KNOW.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS GRATIFYING.

  • NICE.

  • NICE TO KNOW HE'S GOT YOUR BACK ON THAT ONE THAT'S COOL.

  • THAT'S WONDERFUL TO HEAR, BUT IT COULD GET AWKWARD IF

  • BERNIE'S THE NOMINEE.

  • (AS BERNIE) "THANK YOU, MIKE, FOR THE

  • BILLION DOLLARS.

  • I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GO TOWARDS A WORTHY CAUSE: TAXING THE HELL

  • OUT OF ANYONE WITH A BILLION DOLLARS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE IS ON BOARD

  • WITH THIS PLAN.

  • SPECIFICALLY, DONALD TRUMP, WHO TWEETED: "MINI MIKE BLOOMBERG IS

  • PLAYING POKER WITH HIS FOOLHARDY AND UNSUSPECTING DEMOCRAT

  • RIVALS.

  • HE SAYS THAT IF HE LOSES-- HE REALLY MEANS WHEN!

  • --IN THE PRIMARIES, HE WILL SPEND MONEY HELPING WHOEVER THE

  • DEMOCRAT NOMINEE IS.

  • BY DOING THIS, HE FIGURES THEY WON'T HIT HIM AS HARD,

  • DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT...

  • ...DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT DURING HIS HOPELESS 'PRESIDENTIAL'

  • CAMPAIGN.

  • THEY WILL REMAIN SILENT!

  • THE FACT IS, WHEN MINI LOSSES, HE WILL BE SPENDING VERY LITTLE

  • OF HIS MONEY ON THESE 'CLOWNS' BECAUSE HE WILL CONSIDER HIMSELF

  • TO BE THE BIGGEST CLOWN OF THEM ALL-- AND HE WILL BE RIGHT!"

  • WOW.

  • I GUESS I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY POKER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP, SINGING TO THE TUNE

  • OF "THE GAMBLER") "YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHEN

  • TO HOLD 'EM KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

  • KNOW WHEN THE DEMS ARE CLOWNS MIKE'S THE BIGGEST CLOWN.

  • HE'S RIGHT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

  • WAY UP HERE IS POKER, WAY DOWN HERE IS THE PUNCH LINE.

  • BUT BLOOMBERG'S NOT OUT YET.

  • IN FACT, HE'S STILL EXPANDING HIS 2020 OPERATION, MOST

  • RECENTLY BY OFFERING FANCY PERKS, LIKE THREE CATERED MEALS

  • DAILY, AND LURING STAFFERS WITH A MACBOOK PRO AND AN IPHONE 11.

  • BY COMPARISON, THE SANDERS CAMPAIGN TEAM HAS OFFERED ITS

  • STAFF...

  • (AS SANDERS) "A NICKEL FOR THE PHONE BOOTH,

  • AND A ZOETROPE WHERE IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE HORSE IS

  • RUNNING."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • "THE TRAIN COMES IN TO THE STATION --"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE BLOOMBERG PERKS BEGIN EVEN

  • BEFORE PEOPLE GET HIRED.

  • ONE STAFFER BEING COURTED BY BLOOMBERG SAID THAT WHEN SHE

  • ARRIVED AT HER INTERVIEW, SHE WAS GREETED WITH A "HOTEL-STYLE

  • BUFFET."

  • OOH, A HOTEL-STYLE BUFFET!

  • SO, A WAFFLE STATION AND ONE WOMAN YELLING, "KELSY, HANDS

  • DON'T GO IN THE OATMEAL.

  • WHAT DID MOMMY SAY?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • "IT'S HOT, KELSEY!

  • KYLIE!" IT'S TWINS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT HAS 53 SENATORS

  • DOING HIS BIDDING AT HIS IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

  • BUT THEY'RE NOT ALONE.

  • BECAUSE THIS WEEK, TRUMP APPOINTED G.O.P. HOUSE MEMBERS

  • TO THE IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE TEAM.

  • BUT ONE OF TRUMP'S J.V.

  • GROVELERS SOMEHOW GOT LEFT OFF THE TEAM-- FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN

  • AND MAN UNHINGING HIS JAW TO SWALLOW ALL OF TRUMP'S LIES,

  • MATT GAETZ.

  • GAETZ IS FAMOUS FOR BEING A TRUMP FANBOY.

  • HIS CAMPAIGN HOMEPAGE FEATURES QUOTES CALLING HIM "THE

  • TRUMPIEST CONGRESSMAN IN TRUMP'S WASHINGTON."

  • "TRUMP'S ULTIMATE DEFENDER."

  • AND "TRUMP'S BEST BUDDY."

  • SO WHY DID GAETZ GET LEFT OFF THE IMPEACHMENT FUN CLUB?

  • BECAUSE HE DARED DISAGREE WITH TRUMP A SINGLE TIME.

  • AFTER TRUMP'S DRONE STRIKE ON IRANIAN GENERAL QASEM SOLEIMANI,

  • GAETZ PUSHED BACK AND VOTED TO REIN IN TRUMP'S WAR POWERS.

  • BIG MISTAKE.

  • IF YOUR LIPS LEAVES TRUMP'S ASS EVEN FOR A SECOND TO PUT ON SOME

  • CHAPSTICK, YOU'RE DEAD TO HIM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT!

  • CHRIS CUOMO IS HERE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, IS JON

  • STEWART UNDERNEATH MY DESK?

  • THE ANSWER -- STICK AROUND!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE

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B2 TheLateShow trump applause laughter dot dot impeachment

Trump Fan-Boy Matt Gaetz Left Off The President's Team Of GOP Impeachment Warriors

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/20
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