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  • >> APPARENTLY WHEN THIS OUTBREAK OF COVID 19, PLACE.

  • >> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE?

  • WHY BE AFRAID WHEN YOU CAN BE BIDETTED?

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON'T

  • SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY.

  • THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE

  • BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL

  • HOT WATER ATTACHMENT, OLD FAITHFUL.

  • YOU'LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF.

  • SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE T.P.

  • SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS' AND GET THE WATER

  • UP YOUR SQUATTER.

  • SQUATTER.

  • >> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT.

  • WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN.

  • AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

  • CLBERT!

  • >> Stephen: FIRE!

  • HELLO.

  • WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF "THE LATE

  • SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"."

  • OR AS WE'RE CALLING IT TONIGHT, "THE FLAME SHOW WITH STEPHEN

  • COLBURN."

  • AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE MIGRATED FROM MY BATHTUB TO MY FIRE PIT.

  • WE'LL EVENTUALLY GO THROUGH ALL OF THE ELEMENTS.

  • FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS, TODAY IS PRIMARY DAY.

  • DESPITE THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE GOING OUT AND VOTING.

  • THIS IS STILL A DEMOCRACY.

  • THE ONLY CHANGE IS THIS YEAR: WE'LL BE AWARDING THE PRESIDENCY

  • TO THE PERSON WITH THE MOST TOILET PAPER.

  • PRIMARIES WERE SCHEDULED TODAY IN OHIO, ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND

  • FLORIDA.

  • THEY SHOULD BE FINE.

  • ARE THERE ANY OLD PEOPLE IN FLORIDA?

  • THERE'S NOBODY OVER THERE.

  • I FORGOT.

  • I'M ALONE.

  • YEAH, FLORIDA IS PROBABLY FINE.

  • NOW, IT'S DISAPPOINTING FOR ME, BECAUSE BEFORE THE CORONAVIRUS

  • HIT, WE PLANNED TO DO A SPECIAL SHOW OF WALL-TO-WALL PRIMARY

  • COVERAGE CALLED "THE LATE SHOW'S HAND-HOLDING, FACE-TOUCHING

  • SUPER SMOOCHDAY PRIMARY.

  • WE WILL LIVE FOREVER!" TODAY, ONE OF THOSE FOUR STATES,

  • OHIO, CANCELED THEIR ELECTION JUST HOURS BEFORE POLLS WERE SET

  • TO OPEN, THEN ANNOUNCED THE PRIMARY WAS POSSIBLY POSTPONED

  • TO JUNE 2.

  • REALLY, "POSSIBLY"?

  • I WANT MY ELECTIONS TO HAVE A MORE DEFINITE PLAN THAN

  • MEETING MY FRIENDS FOR BRUNCH.

  • LOOK, I UNDERSTAND POSTPONING ELECTIONS RIGHT NOW.

  • IT PROTECTS VOTERS AND POLL WORKERS.

  • BUT WE'VE GOTTA BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SOCIAL

  • DISTANCING FROM AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR YEARS.

  • SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY CHECK ON HER.

  • SHE'S 244 YEARS OLD.

  • THIS IS A FIRE POKER, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN BLOW THROUGH.

  • A LOT OF STUFF IS CLOSING.

  • FOR INSTANCE "THE MET GALA HAS BEEN POSTPONED INDEFINITELY."

  • I KNOW FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS, THIS MUST COME AS QUITE A BLOW.

  • EVERY YEAR, THE MET GALA IS FASHION'S BIGGEST AND FIERCEST

  • NIGHT.

  • LAST YEAR JARED LETO WORE, AS A CASUAL ACCESSORY, WORE HIS OWN

  • HEAD.

  • THEY HAD TO CANCEL THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID HE'D

  • TOUCH BOTH HIS FACES.

  • BUT JUST BECAUSE THE MET GALA HAS BEEN CANCELLED, THAT DOESN'T

  • MEAN THAT CELEBRITIES HAVE CUT DOWN ON THE GLAM.

  • ONE OF FASHION'S MOST DARING TASTEMAKER'S IS BILLY PORTER.

  • LAST YEAR, HE WAS CARRIED INTO THE GALA ON A LITTER OF GOLD.

  • SEE, BILLY IS READY FOR THE VIRUS.

  • HIS SHIRTLESS MEN ALL WORE MASKS.

  • KATY PERRY IS NOT GOING THIS YEAR, OF COURSE.

  • SHE IS HOME, REPEATING HER OUTFIT FROM LAST YEAR.

  • SHE IS STILL DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER.

  • BUT THIS YEAR, THAT'S ACTUAL MEAT SHE'S HOARDING.

  • AND TO KEEP UP WITH THE THEME THIS YEAR,

  • LADY GAGA IS HOME DRESSED AS A 32-PACK OF CHARMIN.

  • ENJOY THE GAGA.

  • AMIDST ALL OF THIS, AMERICANS ARE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR

  • THOUGHTFUL LEADERSHIP.

  • OR DONALD TRUMP.

  • THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED A CALL FOR UNITY AND

  • COOPERATION.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS WORKING

  • VERY WELL WITH THE GOVERNORS AND STATE OFFICIALS.

  • GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!

  • SORRY.

  • THE FIRE TURNED ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT ONE.

  • GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!

  • #KillTheVirus."

  • OKAY, I GET THE IDEA OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.

  • BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT THE MOST COMFORTING WHEN PLEASANT WORDS

  • LIKE "GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN" ARE FOLLOWED BY "KILL IT."

  • "HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING!

  • BUT FIRST, LETS THROW ROCKS AT THE OLD BOYFRIEND!"

  • AFTER BRAGGING ABOUT WORKING SO WELL WITH STATE LEADERS, TRUMP

  • IMMEDIATELY HAD HARSH WORDS FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR

  • ANDREW CUOMO.

  • "CUOMO WANTS 'ALL THE STATES TO BE TREATED THE

  • SAME.' BUT ALL STATES AREN'T THE SAME.

  • SOME ARE BEING HIT HARD BY THE CHINESE VIRUS.

  • SOME ARE BEING HIT PRACTICALLY NOT AT ALL.

  • NEW YORK IS A VERY BIG 'HOTSPOT,' WEST VIRGINIA HAS,

  • THUS FAR, ZERO CASES."

  • YEAH, NEW YORK!

  • WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER, WEST VIRGINIA?

  • HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY CORONAVIRUS.

  • AND I HEAR YOUR SISTER RHODE ISLAND IS DATING A DOCTOR.

  • YOU ARE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.

  • CLEARLY, THIS VIRUS IS A P.R.

  • DISASTER FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT AT TODAY'S CORONAVIRUS PRESS

  • CONFERENCE, STEVE MNUCHIN HAD A SOLUTION: FREE MONEY!

  • >> WE ARE LOOKING AT SENDING CHECKS TO AMERICANS

  • IMMEDIATELY.

  • AMERICANS NEED CASH NOW, AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO GET CASH TO

  • THEM NOW.

  • AND I MEAN NOW, IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

  • >> Stephen: CASH FOR AMERICANS.

  • AND BECAUSE IT'S TRUMP, I'M GUESSING IT'LL BE $130,000 FOR

  • EVERYONE TO JUST SAY THEY'RE HEALTHY.

  • NOW, AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, PRESIDENT TRUMP TRIED TO FOCUS

  • ON OUR BRIGHT FUTURE.

  • >> ONE DAY, WE'LL BE STANDING, POSSIBLY UP HERE, AND SAY

  • "WELL, WE WON."

  • AND WE'RE GONNA SAY THAT.

  • SURE AS YOU'RE SITTING THERE, WE'RE GOING TO SAY THAT, AND

  • WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

  • AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO WIN FASTER THAN PEOPLE THINK.

  • I HOPE.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WHEN TRUMP SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE "SICK

  • OF WINNING," I DIDN'T KNOW HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY.

  • TRUMP THEN FOCUSED ON WHAT TO HIM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SECTOR

  • OF THE ECONOMY: >> I SPOKE WITH EXECUTIVES FROM

  • AMERICA'S FAST FOOD INDUSTRY-- WENDY'S, McDONALD'S-- ALL OF THE

  • BIG ONES-- BURGER KING.

  • AND THEY WERE GREAT.

  • THEY'VE BEEN FANTASTIC.

  • THEY'VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP KNOWS FAST FOOD IS CRUCIAL DURING A

  • PANDEMIC.

  • THAT'S WHY HE STARTED HOARDING IT A YEAR AGO.

  • NOW, WE'VE ALL BEEN CALLING IT "CORONAVIRUS," OR "COVID-19."

  • BUT TRUMP'S BEEN TOOTING HIS DOG WHISTLE PRETTY HARD BY

  • CALLING IT "CHINESE VIRUS." AND HE DEFENDED

  • IT AT TODAY'S PRESS CONFERENCE: >> Reporter: CHINA AND OTHERS

  • HAVE CRITICIZED YOU FOR USING THE PHRASE "CHINESE VIRUS"?

  • HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

  • ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE USING THAT PHRASE?

  • >> I HAVE TO CALL IT WHERE IT CAME FROM.

  • IT DID COME FROM CHINA, SO I THINK IT'S A VERY ACCURATE.

  • >> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT.

  • IT'S A VERY RACIST TERM.

  • IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT NAMING THINGS WHERE THEY CAME FROM,

  • THEN CALL IT "BAT BITE FEVER," WHICH WAS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE

  • SHORT-LIVED OZZY OSBOURNE MUSICAL.

  • SADLY, IT WAS CANCELED OPENING NIGHT, DURING INTERMISSION.

  • TOO MANY BAT BITES.

  • FOR WEEKS NOW, TRUMP'S BEEN ACTING LIKE CORONAVIRUS IS NO

  • BIG DEAL.

  • EVEN AS CASES MOUNTED, HE SAID IT WAS UNDER CONTROL.

  • HE TOLD US TO RELAX.

  • HE SAID WARNINGS ABOUT IT WERE A DEMOCRATIC HOAX.

  • HE SAID THE INFECTION RATE WOULD GO TO ZERO.

  • HE SAID IT WOULD MIRACULOUSLY GO AWAY ON ITS OWN.

  • NOW THAT THINGS ARE UNDENIABLY BAD, HE HAS A NEW STRATEGY, AND

  • IT'S HIS SAME OLD STRATEGY.

  • >> I FELT IT WAS A PANDEMIC LONG BEFORE IT WAS CALLED A

  • PANDEMIC.

  • ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOOK AT OTHER COUNTRIES.

  • I'VE ALWAYS VIEWED IT AS VERY SERIOUS.

  • THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE YESTERDAY FROM DAYS BEFORE.

  • >> Stephen: NO!

  • BAD TRUMP!