Name: And On The Second Day Of Quarantine, Stephen Colbert Discovered Fire
Uploaded: 2020-03-20T04:41:27.000Z
Duration: 18 min 49 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

>> APPARENTLY WHEN THIS OUTBREAK OF COVID 19, PLACE.

>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE?

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON'T

SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY.

THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE

BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL

YOU'LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF.

SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS' AND GET THE WATER

>> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF "THE LATE

OR AS WE'RE CALLING IT TONIGHT, "THE FLAME SHOW WITH STEPHEN

AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE MIGRATED FROM MY BATHTUB TO MY FIRE PIT.

WE'LL EVENTUALLY GO THROUGH ALL OF THE ELEMENTS.

FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS, TODAY IS PRIMARY DAY.

DESPITE THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE GOING OUT AND VOTING.

THE ONLY CHANGE IS THIS YEAR: WE'LL BE AWARDING THE PRESIDENCY

TO THE PERSON WITH THE MOST TOILET PAPER.

PRIMARIES WERE SCHEDULED TODAY IN OHIO, ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND

NOW, IT'S DISAPPOINTING FOR ME, BECAUSE BEFORE THE CORONAVIRUS

HIT, WE PLANNED TO DO A SPECIAL SHOW OF WALL-TO-WALL PRIMARY

COVERAGE CALLED "THE LATE SHOW'S HAND-HOLDING, FACE-TOUCHING

WE WILL LIVE FOREVER!" TODAY, ONE OF THOSE FOUR STATES,

OHIO, CANCELED THEIR ELECTION JUST HOURS BEFORE POLLS WERE SET

TO OPEN, THEN ANNOUNCED THE PRIMARY WAS POSSIBLY POSTPONED

I WANT MY ELECTIONS TO HAVE A MORE DEFINITE PLAN THAN

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND POSTPONING ELECTIONS RIGHT NOW.

BUT WE'VE GOTTA BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SOCIAL

DISTANCING FROM AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR YEARS.

THIS IS A FIRE POKER, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN BLOW THROUGH.

FOR INSTANCE "THE MET GALA HAS BEEN POSTPONED INDEFINITELY."

I KNOW FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS, THIS MUST COME AS QUITE A BLOW.

EVERY YEAR, THE MET GALA IS FASHION'S BIGGEST AND FIERCEST

LAST YEAR JARED LETO WORE, AS A CASUAL ACCESSORY, WORE HIS OWN

THEY HAD TO CANCEL THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID HE'D

BUT JUST BECAUSE THE MET GALA HAS BEEN CANCELLED, THAT DOESN'T

MEAN THAT CELEBRITIES HAVE CUT DOWN ON THE GLAM.

ONE OF FASHION'S MOST DARING TASTEMAKER'S IS BILLY PORTER.

LAST YEAR, HE WAS CARRIED INTO THE GALA ON A LITTER OF GOLD.

KATY PERRY IS NOT GOING THIS YEAR, OF COURSE.

SHE IS HOME, REPEATING HER OUTFIT FROM LAST YEAR.

BUT THIS YEAR, THAT'S ACTUAL MEAT SHE'S HOARDING.

LADY GAGA IS HOME DRESSED AS A 32-PACK OF CHARMIN.

AMIDST ALL OF THIS, AMERICANS ARE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR

THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED A CALL FOR UNITY AND

( AS TRUMP ) "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS WORKING

VERY WELL WITH THE GOVERNORS AND STATE OFFICIALS.

THE FIRE TURNED ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT ONE.

OKAY, I GET THE IDEA OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.

BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT THE MOST COMFORTING WHEN PLEASANT WORDS

LIKE "GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN" ARE FOLLOWED BY "KILL IT."

BUT FIRST, LETS THROW ROCKS AT THE OLD BOYFRIEND!"

AFTER BRAGGING ABOUT WORKING SO WELL WITH STATE LEADERS, TRUMP

IMMEDIATELY HAD HARSH WORDS FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR

"CUOMO WANTS 'ALL THE STATES TO BE TREATED THE

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And On The Second Day Of Quarantine, Stephen Colbert Discovered Fire

phrase

pandemic

strategy

conference