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  • YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, USING THE RAW

  • MATERIAL OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES TO CAREFULLY PLAN,

  • DESIGN, AND BUILD FOR YOU THE FIVE-STAR LUXURY HOTEL THAT IS

  • MY MONOLOGUE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO LOAD UP

  • MY TRUCK WITH SOME RUSTY CORRUGATED TIN, OLD LOADING DOCK

  • PALETTES, AND A SACK OF MISMATCHED NAILS, THEN HEAD INTO

  • THE WOODS BEHIND THE AUTOZONE TO BUILD A RAMSHACKLE LONER CABIN,

  • AND I USE MY OWN BLOOD TO SCRAWL THE UNHINGED NEWS MANIFESTO THAT

  • IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"

  • ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • "MEANWHILE!" WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US.

  • IT WILL ALWAYS.

  • IT IS ETERNAL, YOUTHFUL!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, THE ROCK AND ROLL

  • HALL OF FAME HAS ANNOUNCED ITS 2020 INDUCTEE CLASS.

  • DEPECHE MODE, THE DOOBIE BROTHERS, WHITNEY HOUSTON, NINE

  • INCH NAILS, THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

  • AND T-REX.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATS TO ALL THE INDUCTEES.

  • ESPECIALLY T-REX.

  • IT'S REALLY HARD TO PLAY MOST INSTRUMENTS WITH THOSE TINY

  • ARMS.

  • MEANWHILE, "A 17-YEAR-OLD HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT DISCOVERED A RARE

  • NEW PLANET THREE DAYS INTO HIS NASA INTERNSHIP."

  • SO IF YOU THOUGHT COLLEGES WERE GOING TO BE IMPRESSED BY YOUR

  • SECOND-CHAIR BASSOON, THINK AGAIN, BRIAN.

  • STEP UP.

  • IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL, THE TEEN EVEN GOT TO APPEAR ON "STRAHAN,

  • SARA AND KEKE."

  • >> WE WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE THESE

  • DISCOVERIES BECAUSE IT DOES GIVE US A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW

  • EVERYTHING WORKS, SO WE'VE GOT A GIFT CARD HERE FOR YOU FOR A

  • BRAND NEW TELESCOPE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A NICE GESTURE, BUT I MEAN, HE

  • DISCOVERED A PLANET "AT NASA."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I THINK HE'S ALL SET FOR

  • TELESCOPES.

  • IT'S LIKE PRESENTING THE WINNER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE WITH A

  • TRICYCLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "'JEOPARDY!' JUST

  • CROWNED ITS 'GREATEST OF ALL TIME'" AFTER KEN JENNINGS BEAT

  • OUT HIGHEST SINGLE-GAME EARNINGS RECORD HOLDER JAMES HOLZHAUER

  • AND HIGHEST ALL-TIME EARNINGS-HOLDER BRAD RUTTER IN

  • THE FOURTH MATCH OF "JEOPARDY!

  • GREATEST OF ALL TIME," LAST NIGHT.

  • AN AMAZING FEAT.

  • THOUGH THEY WENT TOO FAR IN ALLOWING JENNINGS TO DRINK FROM

  • THE SKULLS OF HIS DEFEATED RIVALS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN REPTILE

  • PROMISCUITY NEWS, THIS PLAYBOY TORTOISE HAD SO MUCH SEX, HE

  • SAVED HIS ENTIRE SPECIES.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, GET IT!

  • GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "COMING OUT OF YOUR SHELL."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN THE TORTOISE STARTED, THERE

  • WERE JUST TWO MALES AND 12 FEMALES OF HIS SPECIES ALIVE ON

  • THE ISLAND.

  • BUT HE HAD SO MUCH SEX HE HELPED BOOST THE POPULATION TO OVER

  • 2,000.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW HE "IS RETIRING AS A

  • STUD AND IS BEING RETURNED TO THE WILD."

  • TO WHICH THE TORTOISE SAID "NO, WAIT, I CAN STAY!

  • YOU KNOW, FOR SCIENCE!" THIS NEXT STORY IS PART OF OUR

  • LONG-RUNNING SPACE SEGMENT, MOOOOOON NEWWWWWWWS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MOONWHILE, "A BILLIONAIRE IS

  • SEARCHING FOR A GIRLFRIEND TO TAKE TO THE MOON."

  • SHE WOULD ACCOMPANY "JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE YUSAKU MAEZAWA, WHO

  • WOULD BE THE FIRST PRIVATE PASSENGER TO TAKE SPACEX'S "BIG

  • FALCON ROCKET" ON A TRIP AROUND THE MOON."

  • THIS GUY IS REALLY RAISING THE BAR IMPOSSIBLY HIGH FOR OTHER

  • BOYFRIENDS.

  • HE'S WHISKING HIS LADY OFF TO THE MOON.

  • MEANWHILE, JORDAN WON'T EVEN TAKE HIS GIRLFRIEND TO THE GOOD

  • RUBY TUESDAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TAKE HER TO THE ONE THAT'S NOT

  • ATTACHED TO THE MALL, JORDAN!

  • IF YOU HAVE TO ENTER THROUGH AN "H&M," IT'S NOT A DATE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW THIS MOON DATE SEEMS

  • WEIRD, BUT SO DOES MAEZAWA'S REASON FOR DOING IT.

  • "I'M 44 NOW.

  • AS FEELINGS OF LONELINESS AND EMPTINESS SLOWLY BEGIN TO SURGE

  • UPON ME, THERE'S ONE THING THAT I THINK ABOUT..."

  • "THE ENDLESS VOID, THE RESTLESS NOTHING -- ANYWAY, YOU

  • SEE ANY GOOD MOVIES?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • MEANWHILE, THE 2020 OLYMPICS ARE ALMOST HERE, AND "TOKYO 2020 HAS

  • STYLED ITSELF AS THE MOST ECO-FRIENDLY GAMES EVER."

  • WHICH EXPLAINS THE ELIMINATION THIS YEAR OF THE SYNCHRONIZED

  • TIRE FIRE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ORGANIZERS WILL AWARD MEDALS

  • MADE OUT OF RECYCLED PHONES, AND ATHLETES WILL USE BEDS MADE OF

  • CARDBOARD FRAMES.

  • BUT "THEY'VE BEEN ASSURED THE CARDBOARD BEDS WON'T COLLAPSE

  • DURING SEX," "AS LONG AS THEY STICK TO JUST TWO PEOPLE IN THE

  • BED."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT?

  • COME ON!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE!

  • THESE ARE OLYMPIANS!

  • YOU CAN'T LIMIT THEM TO ONE PARTNER!

  • DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY SPEND YEARS HARDENING THEIR BODIES

  • INTO ELITE MACHINES THEN TRAVEL HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD FOR

  • SOME TENDER MISSIONARY?

  • NO!

  • THEY WANT TO BONE THE ENTIRE BULGARIAN VOLLEYBALL TEAM!

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, YOUR LOGO IS FIVE HOLES AND YOUR

  • MOTTO IS "FASTER, HIGHER, STRONGER!"

  • THAT'S BASICALLY INSTRUCTIONS!

  • SO YOU GET BACK IN THERE, YOU THROW TARPS DOWN ON ALL THE

  • FLOORS, COME UP WITH A SAFE WORD AND PRINT IT IN EVERY LANGUAGE

  • SO THOSE HEROES CAN MAKE THEIR COUNTRIES PROUD.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDREW YANG.

  • I NEED A NAP.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, USING THE RAW

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