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  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,

  • THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF PRESIDENT TRUMP APPEARS TO BE

  • COMING TO AN END.

  • UNFORTUNATELY, NO NEW WITNESSES WERE CALLED AND THERE WERE

  • UNPRECEDENTED RESTRICTIONS PUT ON THE PRESS CORPS.

  • SO WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED

  • BEHIND-THE-SCENES.

  • THANKFULLY, AN OLD FRIEND CALLED ME UP AND OFFERED TO GO TO D.C.

  • AND BRING BACK AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT FROM THE HALLS OF THE

  • SENATE.

  • OF COURSE, I COULDN'T TURN DOWN AN OFFER LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY

  • WHEN IT COMES FROM ONE OF THE MOST DISTINGUISHED JOURNALISTS

  • I'VE EVER MET, TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • TONIGHT, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT WE PRESENT TRIUMPH'S

  • EXCLUSIVE REPORT!

  • JIM?

  • >> HERE IN THE NATION'S CAPITOL, OUR LEADERS HAVE GATHERED FOR

  • THE SOLEMN PROCESS OF VOTING ALONG PARTY LINES.

  • MANY REPUBLICANS HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THESE

  • HEARINGS AND HAVING TO SIT IN THE CHAMBER FOR SO MANY HOURS

  • WITHOUT HAVING A SPINE TO SUPPORT THEM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS BEEN

  • PARTICULARLY INCONVENIENCED, AS HE WAS SCHEDULED TO HAVE

  • ATTENDED A SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION WITH THE OTHER

  • ELDERLY WOMEN OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE TAKING THE SUBWAY TO THE

  • CAPITOL, THE LEGISLATORS TALKED TO THE PRESS HERE.

  • RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TALKING TO SENATOR RICHARD BLUMENTHAL FROM

  • CONNECTICUT, ONE TO HAVE THE RICHEST SENATORS.

  • HE'S WORTH $100 MILLION -- OR AS DONALD TRUMP CALLS IT, A BILLION

  • DOLLARS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE

  • CAMERAMEN WHILE THEY'RE WAITING.

  • THIS GENTLEMAN IS FROM, UH, CBS.

  • AND THIS MAN HERE, YOU'RE CNN.

  • AND RIGHT HERE, I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE FOX.

  • YOU ARE FOX.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) A CHECK'S A CHECK.

  • IT'S ALL RIGHT.

  • I GET IT.

  • >> I THINK IT'S INCREASINGLY LIKELY THAT OTHER REPUBLICANS

  • WILL JOIN -- >> HEY, MITT!

  • I'M A DOG JOURNALIST!

  • CAN I GET A RIDE HOME ON YOUR ROOF?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR GRAHAM, I SAW THE VIDEO

  • OF YOU WANTING WITNESSES AT CLINTON'S IMPEACHMENT IN THE

  • '90s.

  • WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF AND KEEP THAT

  • HAIRCUT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OH, MY GOD!

  • LEV PARNAS!

  • LEV, YOU'RE MY FAVORITE HENCHMAN!

  • I'M GOING TO DO SOME HENCHING.

  • I GORE WITH YOU?

  • >> HE HAS REPUBLICANS.

  • MANY OF US WERE NOT GIVEN PRESS CREDENTIALS, BUT THIS

  • REPORTER WILL NOT BE DENIED.

  • HOW YOU DOING?

  • COMING THROUGH.

  • >> YOU CAN'T COME HERE.

  • I'M THEORY REPORT ON THE VERY IMPORTANT WASTE OF TIME GOING ON

  • IN THE CHAMBER.

  • >> YOU DON'T HAVE ACCESS.

  • NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND -- I'M AN

  • INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER.

  • LOOK, I HAVE A SCOOP.

  • >> I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

  • NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME -- DONALD TRUMP WAS MORE FAMILIAR

  • WITH LEV PARNAS THAN PEOPLE REALIZE.

  • LOOK, THAT'S TRUMP'S DRIVER'S LICENSE.

  • AMERICA NEEDS TO SEE THIS!

  • >> I CAN'T LET YOU IN, SIR.

  • OKAY, I GUESS I CAN'T BE HERE.

  • MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE CAN COME.

  • >> HEY!

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • I'M CHAD PENNINGTON.

  • I'M A CORPORATE LOBBYIST FOR BIG PHARMA.

  • YES.

  • NO, I'M VERY COZY WITH THE SENATORS.

  • THEY NEED ME IN THERE.

  • YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

  • LOOK.

  • LOOK WHAT'S IN MY SUITCASE, OKAY?

  • CHECK IT OUT.

  • HERE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ADDERALL, IN REGULAR OR

  • PRESIDENTIAL STRENGTH.

  • AND THEN I ALSO HAVE ANTI-DEPERESSENTS FOR THE

  • DEMOCRATS AND ANTI-SEMITES FOR STEVE KING.

  • YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS!

  • HI!

  • I HAVE A 1:00 WITH MR. DERSHOWITZ!

  • I AM HIS PERSONAL MASSEUSE!

  • MY NAME THE OLGA!

  • HEY!

  • HOW ARE YOU DOING?

  • I'M THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.

  • I AM HERE TO CLEVER PIZZA FOR THE SENATE.

  • THIS ONE HERE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

  • IT HAS EXTRA GARLIC TO PROTECT SENATORS FROM RUDY GIULIANI.

  • >> NOBODY ORDERED PIZZA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> HI.

  • EXCUSE ME.

  • ARE YOU A, UH, SENATOR?

  • >> NO, I'M A MEMBER OF THE HOUSE.

  • >> YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THE 100 SENATORS?

  • >> NO, I'M ONE TO HAVE THE 435 FROM BACK THERE.

  • >> OKAY.

  • I'M ABOUT 20% AS EXCITED, THEN.

  • WITH UH BUT WE'VE HAD A NICE, SERIOUS CONVERSATION AND I'VE

  • REALLY ENJOYED IT.

  • NOW, CAN YOU GET ME IN?

  • >> I'LL DO MY -- ALL RIGHT.

  • THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BUY THIS COSTUME.

  • GIVE ME ONE SECOND.

  • I'M GOING TO CHANGE.

  • HI, HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> HI.

  • NO ONE ALLOWED.

  • >> I AM JOHN BOLTON, EXCUSE ME.

  • I AM JOHN BOLTON, I AM A FORMER AMBASSADOR, FORMER IRAQ WAR

  • CREATOR, AND CURRENT AUTHOR OF MY NEW BOOK "THE ROOM WHERE IT

  • CRAPPENED."

  • >> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE ON THIS FLOOR.

  • >> OKAY, JUST PLAY ALONG.

  • I'VE GOT THE BACKUP, OKAY?

  • >> OKAY.

  • I'M JOHN BOLTON'S DOG.

  • HERE.

  • COME IN.

  • COME IN.

  • HERE.

  • HERE'S THE REAL JOHN BOLTON.

  • >> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • , CONGRESSMAN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

  • >> YOU FOOLED HIM.

  • PULL ON HIS MUSTACHE.

  • SMELL HIS MUSTACHE, IT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKE DICK CHENEY'S ASS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) I WAS UNABLE TO GET IN BUT

  • APPARENTLY SENATORS ARE PASSING BUT THE BOWELS FOR ANOTHER PHOTO

  • OPPORTUNITY.

  • SENATOR, ANOTHER QUESTION, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY

  • WHO SAW THE MOVIE "CATS" ALONE?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WE ARE SITUATED BY

  • THE SENATE OFFICES.

  • WITH NEW EVIDENCE PILING UP, REPUBLICANS ARE WORKING

  • TIRELESSLY TO IGNORE ALL OF IT.

  • LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND.

  • ALL RIGHT, HERE'S SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MISH MISH'S

  • OFFICE/TERRARIUM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MITCH!

  • MITCH!

  • COME OUT!

  • COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL, MITCH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) COME ON!

  • JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT!

  • JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR SHELL!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE LETTUCE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OH, BOY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( KNOCKING )

  • TED!

  • COME ON!

  • IT'S YOUR OLD PAL!

  • I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS!

  • YOU'VE GOT A REAL SHOT IN 2024!

  • THE LATEST POSTS SAY YOU'RE ONLY 3% BEHIND THE WUHAN VIRUS!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TED!

  • OKAY.

  • WE'RE COMING TO SENATOR MICHAEL B. ENSY OF WYOMING.

  • AND WE'RE MOVING ON.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY.

  • THERE'S NOTHING REALLY ELSE TO DO BUT SCREW WITH PEOPLE.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • LINDSEY!

  • U.S.A.!

  • U.S.A.!

  • OVER HERE!

  • U.S.A.!

  • U.S.A.!

  • LINDSEY, PLEASE!

  • NO, NO, NO!

  • OKAY!

  • I LEAVE!

  • I GO!

  • >> MISS JONES, I THOUGHT THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE AND THE WAY

  • SOME OF THE WOMEN WERE TREATED, BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I ACCEPTED

  • THE VERDICT -- >> BIND YOU!

  • -- THE SENATE AND THE CLOUD HAS BEEN LIFTED.

  • SO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> -- THERE YOU GO.

  • THANK YOU, BUD.

  • >> THIS IS TRIUMPH, REPORTING FROM THE GREATEST DELIBERATIVE

  • BODY IN THE WORLD!

  • FOR ME TO POOP ON!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TRIUMPH!

  • THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY FRIEND!

  • NEW EPISODES OF HIS PODCAST "LET'S MAKE A POOP" ARE

  • AVAILABLE THIS MONTH.

  • TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG EVERYBODY!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES TAYLOR.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,

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Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Goes To Washington To Cover Trump's Impeachment Trial

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/20
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