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  • - Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin,

  • some news out of Hong Kong.

  • Officials are warning people not to kiss their pets

  • because a dog contracted coronavirus, yes.

  • However, it is still okay

  • to take your dog to dinner and a movie.

  • You know, sometimes it's nice to go something

  • without physical reward at the end.

  • Here are this week's headlines.

  • All right, so look, normally, we would catch up

  • on all of the headlines from around the world.

  • You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein

  • getting 23 years in prison.

  • (cheering and applause) Uh, yeah.

  • Or we could talk about the Supreme Court

  • giving President Trump a victory on immigration.

  • But today, there's only one story

  • the entire world is talking about--

  • the coronavirus, aka COVID-19,

  • aka Mambo Number Death. (laughter)

  • It's now in 110 countries

  • with over 122,000 confirmed cases,

  • and it looks like it's only getting worse.

  • - The World Health Organization today

  • officially designating coronavirus

  • as a global pandemic.

  • Congress's in-house doctor told Capitol Hill staffers

  • at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects

  • 75 to 150 million people

  • in the United States to contract the coronavirus.

  • - New tests led by the U.S. government scientists

  • show the virus can live in the air for several hours

  • and on some surfaces for up to three days.

  • - Oh, okay. That's a lot of information,

  • so let's try and break it all down.

  • First, the World-- World Health Organization

  • has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic.

  • Which, yes, is scary for us humans,

  • but from corona's perspective, it's pretty cool, yeah?

  • No, 'cause for a virus,

  • this is like going platinum, you know?

  • It's... it's a big day.

  • Started from the Wuhan, now we're here.

  • (laughter)

  • I think it's pretty cool for corona.

  • And yes, I'm saying that because I hope

  • if I suck up to corona, it'll leave me alone.

  • I, uh, I'm not sure if it'll work,

  • but I'm gonna try it.

  • Now, the second piece of information

  • is a little more disconcerting.

  • Congress's in-house doctor

  • says up to 150 million people in the United States

  • could end up getting corona.

  • Yeah, that is half the country.

  • And then the other half won't get it

  • because they're clearly losers who don't have friends.

  • Yeah, it's gonna be like,

  • "Like, how do you not have corona?

  • Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dead."

  • And the third point might be the most scary.

  • Uh, we're learning that this coronavirus

  • can stay on some surfaces for up to three days.

  • Yeah, although in New York, it doesn't stay as long

  • because it can't afford the rent.

  • That's the good news.

  • The housing crisis is real.

  • Now, on some surfaces like cardboard...

  • Apparently, corona can only survive for a day

  • if it's cardboard.

  • But then on harder surfaces like glass,

  • it can survive for much longer.

  • So, like, your cell phone?

  • That could be a problem.

  • Yeah. My advice?

  • Clear your browsing history.

  • Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona,

  • but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit

  • you've been searching on your phone.

  • "Is this your emergency co-- Wait, what the hell?"

  • And look, guys, I know we're all scared,

  • but it's important to keep a clear head.

  • Panic is not gonna help anything.

  • Right, we're still learning about this.

  • We're still learning about the mortality rate.

  • And panic is not helping, 'cause right now some people

  • are letting their panic make them dumb as shit.

  • - The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country,

  • now affecting everything from air travel to schools

  • to what's on store shelves,

  • or what's not on store shelves in some case.

  • Some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics.

  • - Well, just a crazy scene at a grocery store

  • where toilet paper has been in high demand.

  • - Yeah, surveillance video shows

  • a stampede of customers clearing the shelves.

  • - Fights over toilet paper

  • breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty.

  • - People, what are you doing?

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I really don't understand what people are do--

  • You do not need to panic over toilet paper.

  • Water, I would understand, right?

  • Food, medicine, yes,

  • but you can survive without toilet paper.

  • Don't forget. You're in a bathroom.

  • "Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower?"

  • (laughter)

  • Like, I feel like-- I feel like people

  • in first world countries don't know what to panic about.

  • Toilet paper? Are you shitting me?

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Like, what... What's next?

  • Are people just gonna be running around Walmart

  • like, "Aah! Where's the car wax? Aah!"

  • And maybe it's because-- it's because, where I grew up,

  • there were times when we didn't have toilet paper.

  • Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper.

  • We always made a plan, right? You can use newspaper.

  • You just rub it together. This is a true thing, right?

  • You can use paper towels.

  • Hell, everyone in America has a dog.

  • Push comes to shove, you wipe your ass on the dog.

  • Yeah, "Freckles, get out here!"

  • (laughter and groaning)

  • People are like, "I'd rather use my hands, Trevor!"

  • Look, man, just avoid panicking.

  • Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly.

  • And if you're not thinking clearly,

  • then you'll start to believe anything that you hear.

  • And there is a lot of bad information that is out there.

  • - Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led

  • to a lot of spread of misinformation.

  • - There are more rumors going around on social media

  • about how to avoid the coronavirus.

  • Eating garlic, drinking bleach,

  • snorting cocaine, yes, and masturbation

  • are not miracle cures for coronavirus.

  • - Yes.

  • Drinking bleach,

  • snorting cocaine,

  • and masturbating

  • is not the way to cure corona.

  • It's the way to kick off the most rock-and-roll party

  • of your life.

  • That's what that is. (cheering and applause)

  • That's what that is.

  • And I don't understand

  • how anyone even falls for any of that.

  • None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus.

  • Right? Bleach gets rid of stains.

  • You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you.

  • Garlic gets rid of vampires, okay?

  • Cocaine gets rid of your money, that's it.

  • Like, in a way, the only thing that makes sense

  • is masturbating, okay?

  • Yeah, it won't cure you,

  • but if you stay in and you do that all day,

  • you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus.

  • Yeah, you know, if the CDC really wants people

  • to self-quarantine, forget the Purell.

  • They should just be handing out lotion.

  • "Here you go. Stay home and, uh,

  • social distance yourself. You know what I mean."

  • All right, that's it for the headlines.

  • Let's move on to our top story.

  • (music and cheering)

  • The Democratic primary race is down to two major candidates,

  • the old man from "Up"

  • and the old Captain America.

  • And because yesterday was another big day

  • on the path to the nomination,

  • it's time to catch up on the latest developments

  • in our ongoing segment, "World War D."

  • (music and cheering)