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  • WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • FOLKS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • I LIKE THAT.

  • THANK YOU.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS ARE FEELING TONIGHT, BUT I AM

  • STAYING POSITIVE -- NOT TESTING POSITIVE, JUST STAYING

  • POSITIVE -- ( LAUGHTER )

  • STAYING POSITIVE.

  • I BELIEVE THE BOTTLE OF PURELL IS HALF-FULL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) 'CAUSE SOMEBODY STOLE HALF MY

  • PURELL.

  • I WILL FIND YOU!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE CORONAVIRUS IS STILL ON

  • EVERYONE'S MINDS, SO DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR MINDS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

  • TONIGHT'S EDITION OF" GOIN' VIRAL."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOOK YOUR CRUISE NOW!

  • THERE ARE NOW OVER 600 CASES IN THE UNITED STATES.

  • THERE WERE 500 WHEN WE REHEARSED THIS TWO HOURS AGO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OVER THE WEEKEND, THE C.D.C.

  • POSTED SOME GUIDELINES FOR PEOPLE AT RISK OF SERIOUS

  • ILLNESS FROM THE VIRUS, INCLUDING AVOID CROWDS AS MUCH

  • AS POSSIBLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.

  • >> Jon: GOOD ADVICE.

  • GOOD ADVICE.

  • >> Stephen: LET'S HELP EVERYBODY REMEMBER THAT.

  • CHANT IT WITH ME!

  • AVOID CROWDS!

  • AVOID CROWDS!" AVOID CROWDS!

  • AVOID CROWDS!" EXCELLENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HERE IN NEW YORK, WE HAVE OVER

  • 140 CASES.

  • THAT'S THE WHOLE STATE.

  • THE WHOLE STATE HAS 140 CASES.

  • MAYOR DCBLASIO HAD SOME REAL HELPFUL ADVICE, TELLING

  • CMMUTERS TO AVOID PACKED SUBWAY CARS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUICK THINKING, MR. MAYOR

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?

  • LISTEN UP EVERYBODY, YOU DON'T WANT TO GET ON THE CROWDED

  • SUBWAY CAR, SO REMEMBER TO GET ON WITH A CRYING BABY AND AN

  • ACCORDION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THINGS ARE WORSE OVERSEAS, THE

  • ITALIAN GOVERNMENT JUST QUARANTINED THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.

  • EVEN THE OLIVE GARDEN JUST CHANGED THEIR SLOGAN TO "WHEN

  • YOU'RE HERE-- WHY ARE YOU HERE?

  • YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE US CORONAVIRUS!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS THE OFFICIAL RESTAURANT

  • OF ITALY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOSPITALITY, MY FRIEND.

  • WHILE OFFICIALS ARE URGING CALM, TODAY WALL STREET S&PEED ITS

  • PANTS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE DOW FELL OVER 2,000 POINTS.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT'S THE LARGEST SINGLE POINT

  • DROP IN HISTORY.

  • I THINK WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE DOW DROPPING:

  • >> DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS!

  • >> STEPHEN: HE'S FINE.

  • THE DOW IS FINE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) THAT POINT DROP IS THE LARGEST

  • IN DOW HISTORY-- BY OVER 500 POINTS-- BREAKING THE RECORD SET

  • JUST 11 DAYS AGO.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • TRUMP WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID THIS:

  • >> WE ARE GOING TO WIN SO MUCH YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO TIRED

  • OF WINNING.

  • SO TIRED.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: ABSOLUTELY

  • EXHAUSTED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVERY DAY AT THE NEW YORK STOCK

  • EXCHANGE, THEY LET GUESTS RING THE OPENING BELL, SO IT MUST

  • SUCK FOR TODAY'S BELL RINGERS BANKING INDUSTRY WOMEN,

  • CELEBRATING INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO, SUDDENLY, THE MARKET WAS

  • EARNING WAY LESS THAN WHEN A MAN RANG THE BELL, EVEN THOUGH THE

  • WOMEN DID THE SAME JOB?

  • THAT CHECKS OUT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

  • HUH.

  • HUH.

  • I SAY, HUH.

  • THE DAY WAS SO ROUGH ON WALL STREET, BUSINESS JOURNALISTS

  • WERE FORCED TO GET REALLY CREATIVE.

  • VARIOUS OUTLETS DESCRIBED THE MARKET AS CAREENING, PLUNGING,

  • SINKING, TUMBLING, COLLAPSING, CRATERING, PLUMMETING AND

  • CRASHING.

  • IN FACT, THE ONLY COMPANY THAT DID WELL TODAY WAS

  • "INTERNATIONAL THESAURUS AND SYNONYM, INC."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THROUGH THE ROOF!

  • THIS WAY, RIGHT?

  • >> Jon: GOT TO GET YOUR WORDS TOGETHER.

  • >> Jon: YOU LOOK GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: THIS IS THE FIRST CRISIS OF

  • TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY THAT HE DIDN'T CAUSE HIMSELF AND HE IS

  • COMPLETELY SHANKING IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) INSTEAD OF MONITORING THE

  • SITUATION, TRUMP SPENT THE WEEKEND GOLFING.

  • ( BOOING ) >> Jon: COME ON, MAN.

  • >> Stephen: I KNOW.

  • YOU TOOK THE "OOOH RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

  • SEEMS INSENSITIVE, BUT REMEMBER THAT RIGHT AFTER PEARL HARBOR

  • WAS ATTACKED, F.D.R. WAS PHOTOGRAPHED PLAYING SKEEBALL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DAY THAT

  • WILL LIVE IN FUN-FOR-ME!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • THEN, WITH PEOPLE CONCERNED ABOUT THE GROWING DEATH TOLL OF

  • THE OUTBREAK, TODAY TRUMP TWEETED, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000

  • AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON FLU.

  • IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND 70,000 PER YEAR.

  • NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN, LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON.

  • AT THIS MOMENT, THERE ARE 546 CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS,

  • WITH 22 DEATHS.

  • THINK ABOUT THAT!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • OKAY, LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT.

  • YOU'RE A MONSTER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.

  • HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.

  • HERE'S THE THING: WE CAN CRITICIZE TRUMP'S GOLFING AND

  • TWEETING, BUT WHEN HE HUNKERS DOWN AND FOCUSES ON THE PROBLEM,

  • THAT'S WHEN HE REALLY SUCKS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CASE IN POINT, ON FRIDAY, HE

  • HEADED DOWN TO THE C.D.C. TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC, BUT HE LED

  • OFF WITH SOME LESS-THAN ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT THE

  • PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SICK.

  • >> MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE FINE.

  • A VAST MAJORITY ARE GOING TO BE FINE.

  • >> STEPHEN: IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS BOB MARLEY SONG.

  • S DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING

  • ABOUT A THING S 'CAUSE THE VAST MAJORITY

  • OF THINGS ARE GONNA S BE ALRIGHT S

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, GET THAT

  • TONE TOGETHER.

  • I LIKE THAT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY

  • HE'S THE BEST PERSON TO HANDLE THIS PANDEMIC.

  • >> YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE WAS A GREAT PERSON.

  • HE WAS AT M.I.T.

  • HE TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR, I THINK, LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF

  • YEARS.

  • HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.

  • DR. JOHN TRUMP.

  • I LIKE THIS STUFF.

  • I REALLY GET IT.

  • PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED THAT I UNDERSTAND IT.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: NO, NO!

  • NO, NO, NO, HE'S RIGHT -- I WOULD BE VERY SURPRISED IF YOU

  • UNDERSTOOD IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T CARE HOW SMART YOUR

  • UNCLE WAS, EPIDEMIOLOGY IS NOT GENETIC.

  • YOU DON'T GET YOUR MOTHER'S EYES AND YOUR FATHER'S P.H.D

  • ( LAUGHTER ) KNOWLEDGE DOES NOT GET PASSED

  • DOWN.

  • THAT'S WHY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE ALL KNOW IT NOW, FUTURE

  • GENERATIONS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN FOR THEMSELVES THAT YOU'RE

  • AN IDIOT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Jon: THAT'S A FACT.

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> NOTE THAT DURING HIS OFFICIAL VISIT TO THE C.D.C. DURING A

  • NATIONAL EMERGENCY, TRUMP IS WEARING A CAMPAIGN HAT.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE DURING

  • A CRISIS, BUT IT DOES REMIND ME OF LINCOLN SHOWING UP AT THE

  • BATTLE OF ANTIETAM WITH HIS CAMPAIGN HAT.

  • "SUCK IT SOUTH!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • YEP, THAT'S WHAT HE RAN ON, "SUCK IT SOUTH."

  • YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT?

  • >> Jon: I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

  • >> Stephen: UP UNTIL NOW, THERE HAVE BEEN NOT BEEN

  • ENOUGH CORONAVIRUS TEST KITS AVAILABLE, BUT TRUMP SAYS THAT

  • PROBLEM IS SOLVED.

  • >> ANYBODY THAT WANTS A TEST CAN GET A TEST.

  • THAT'S WHAT THE BOTTOM LINE IS.