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  • FOLKS, OF COURSE, CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES

  • TO DOMINATE THE HEADLINES.

  • IN FACT, I'VE NOW INDEFINITELY SUSPENDED MY BELOVED TRAVEL

  • SEGMENT "STEPHEN COLBERT: INTERNATIONAL NOSE

  • LICKER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE WERE GOING TO ITALY NEXT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE VIRUS HAS BEGUN TO HIT US AT

  • HOME.

  • AFTER DIAGNOSING TWO NEW CASES FLORIDA DECLARED A PUBLIC HEALTH

  • EMERGENCY.

  • HEALTH OFFICIALS WANT TO CAUTION ANYONE LIVING IN FLORIDA THAT

  • THEY'RE LIVING IN FLORIDA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WATCH OUT.

  • WATCH OUT.

  • SADLY, OVER AT DISNEY WORLD, TOUGH NEWS FOR THE SEVEN DWARFS.

  • DOC HAD TO PUT SNEEZY DOWN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY.

  • >> Stephen: I SAID TOUGH NEWS.

  • I SAID TOUGH NEWS.

  • HARDEST HIT SO FAR IS WASHINGTON STATE.

  • GOVERNOR INSLEE HAS DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY.

  • THOUSANDS ARE SUSPECTED TO BE INFECTED, AND THERE HAVE BEEN

  • MULTIPLE FATALITIES.

  • EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT THE VIRUS MAY HAVE SPREAD UNDETECTED THERE

  • FOR WEEKS, AFTER PERFORMING A GENETIC ANALYSIS.

  • GENETIC ANALYSIS IS ALSO HOW THEY FOUND OUT THE CORONAVIRUS

  • IS 14% FRENCH CANADIAN ON ITS MOM'S SIDE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S KIND OF FUN.

  • IN THE FACE OF THIS VIRUS, TRUMP IS FOCUSING ON THE MOST

  • DANGEROUS THREAT TO AMERICA: THE DEMOCRATS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE

  • POLITICIZING THE CORONA VIRUS.

  • ONE OF MY PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "MR. PRESIDENT, THEY

  • TRIED TO BEAT YOU ON RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, THAT DIDN'T WORK

  • OUT TOO WELL.

  • THEY COULDN'T DO IT.

  • THEY TRIED THE IMPEACHMENT HOAX.

  • THAT WAS ON A PERFECT CONVERSATION.

  • ( BOOING ) THEY TRIED ANYTHING, THEY TRIED

  • IT OVER AND OVER.

  • THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE YOU GOT IN.

  • IT'S ALL TURNING-- THEY LOST, IT'S ALL TURNING.

  • THINK OF IT, THINK OF IT.

  • AND THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAX."

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT A HOAX.

  • IT'S A CRISIS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP'S MORE CONCERNED WITH

  • COVERING HIS ASS THAN PROTECTING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

  • IT EXPLAINS HIS NEW EMERGENCY BROADCAST MESSAGE.

  • (AS TRUMP) "BEEEEEEP.

  • THIS IS ONLY A HOAX.

  • IF THIS WAS A REAL EMERGENCY, I WOULD CALL IT A HOAX.

  • BEEEEEEP."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) BIG FANS OF THE EMERGENCY

  • BROADCAST SYSTEM.

  • THIS WEEKEND, THE FIRST CASE IN NEW YORK CITY WAS CONFIRMED.

  • IT'S A WOMAN IN HER 30'S WHO IS ISOLATED IN HER MANHATTAN HOME.

  • A WOMAN IN HER 30'S ISOLATED IN HER MANHATTAN HOME FOR THE

  • WEEKEND?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE MORE

  • SPECIFIC.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • SHE'S OKAY.

  • I HOPE SHE'S OKAY.

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) NEW YORK BUSINESSES ARE ALREADY

  • TAKING PRECAUTIONS TO TRY TO STAY OPEN DURING A POSSIBLE

  • OUTBREAK.

  • ONE BAR OWNER HAS WRITTEN TO THE MAYOR TO SEE WHETHER THE CITY

  • CAN OFFER LICENSES FOR TAKEOUT COCKTAILS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: FEED A

  • COLD, MARGARITA A FEVER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • REALLY?

  • WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW.

  • IT'S THE SALT.

  • YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SALINE LEVELS UP.

  • AND NEW YORKERS ARE EVEN CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR TO AVOID

  • EXPOSURE BY REDUCING HANDSHAKES AND HUGS AND CONTORTING

  • THEMSELVES ON THE SUBWAY TO KEEP FROM TOUCHING THE POLES.

  • HOT TIP FOR ANYONE VISITING NEW YORK CITY: NEVER TOUCH THE

  • POLES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NEVER TOUCH THE SEATS, THE

  • DOORS, THE FLOOR, THE OTHER PASSENGERS, OR THE GUY

  • PLEASURING HIMSELF IN THE CORNER-- EVEN IF HE ASKS...

  • AND HE WILL ASK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TY

  • BURRELL.

FOLKS, OF COURSE, CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES

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