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Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
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I know a lot of you come to these tapings with your friends.
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It's so adorable. You so cute.
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Just by looking around, I can also tell that some of you have that friend that you wish was your permanently-naked friend.
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Yeah, that's right.
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Which is why tonight we're talking about the friend zone!
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These two know what I'm talking about.
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You know what I'm talking about.
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Yeah, laugh awkwardly.
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Okay.
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Now, if you don't know, the friend zone is when you're told someone would be lucky to date you.
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By the person who will never date you.
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The friend zone is that awkward limbo between dating and not dating.
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And the whole time you're like "This isn't great."
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"How did I get here? And why can't I leave?"
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It's like Forever 21.
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It's like going to a job interview and being told you have all the qualifications for the job...
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... but they're going in a different direction.
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And if you don't know you're in the friend zone, I'll tell you how you can know, okay?
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If you're making a pact to get married if you're still single at 40, you in the friend zone.
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And you're gonna drink way too much at his wedding, girl.
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Wait. Where did the term "friend zone" even come from?
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I heard it started with Ross and Rachel's relationship on Friends.
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You know what I'm talking about, right?
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But I think it goes back even further, to the Trojan War.
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Right around the time Helen of Troy told King of Sparta: "Hey, I think we're just better as friends."
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"Also, what's up with the giant wooden horse?"
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Hey, you watch this show to laugh, but sometimes you're going to learn.
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Okay? Deal with it!
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Like, check this out.
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This recent study revealed men are consistently overestimating women's attraction to them.
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While women—I know shocker!
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While women are consistently underestimating their guy friends' feelings.
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So basically women are humble and men are just Drake.
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I mean, seriously.
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Serena, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj.
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Drake has gotten sidelined harder than Lonzo Ball with the Lakers.
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You know what I'm talking about?
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Well, there are perks to being in the friend zone.
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I mean, you get a friend!
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That's someone who can teach you how to talk to women, how to listen to women.
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And, more importantly, how to make women think that you're listening.
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It's very important. Okay?
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Besides, once you've been in the friend zone, you can't unsee what you've seen.
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Think about it.
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If you watched Amanda scream at a delivery man, cry during The Notebook, and steal toilet paper from a restaurant, would you still want to date her?
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Me. I'm Amanda. I'm that girl.
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No look, there's a part of me that thinks the whole "friend zone" thing is a myth.
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The friend zone is like a strip club.
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A dark place invented by men for men so they can pretend that women who don't want them do.
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You liked that, didn't you?
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Hashtag relatable.
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Now, let me tell you a secret.
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All the guys here, can I get a show of hands?
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Raise your hand if you're a guy. Cheer real quickly. Cheer.
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You noticed the testosterone when I said, "Cheer."
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Let me tell you a little secret.
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If you want to get out of the friend zone, just get into a relationship.
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Because women always want what they can't have—it's true!
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It's like, growing up, I always wanted a talk show, but I couldn't get one, so I started going out with YouTube and suddenly NBC was like, "Damn, she's fine as hell!"
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But if you're in the friend zone, you should probably just get comfortable in there, because transitioning out of the friend zone is sort of like hosting the Oscars.
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You have to wait to be asked, which could never happen.
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But if it does, it could all go away when they find your old tweets.
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For me, the friend zone's gotten even more confusing since I started dating girls, okay?
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I've always been really into the sisterhood, but sometimes I'll meet a girl I want to date and accidentally call her "sis."
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Once that happens, I've permanently quarantined myself in the friend zone.
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It's like a receding hairline.
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As soon as it starts, there's no turning back.
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Sorry, LeBron.
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I'm from Toronto. Go, Rapts.
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You're probably thinking, "No way, Lilly."
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"You're too smart, beautiful, and humble to be put in the friend zone."
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And thank you. You have a great judge of character.
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Thank you.
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But believe it or not, I've had plenty of guys friend-zone me.
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I know. They're crazy.
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Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I get invited over to watch a movie...
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... and we actually watch the whole movie.
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I'm like, "Dude, I do not care what happens to Charlie and his stupid factory."
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"I'm trying to get you to find my golden ticket. Okay?"
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You know what I mean?
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The thirst is real!