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  • 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Thank you.

  • Thank you.

  • I mean, what a blast.

  • I am so thrilled.

  • I get to guest host for Ellen.

  • Can you imagine that?

  • This is going to be bananas.

  • So fun.

  • Now, you may be wondering why I'm

  • hosting a daytime talk show.

  • Actually, I'm doing research for my next movie.

  • It's called Avengers Take a Lesbian Cruise.

  • So it's just doing my job.

  • Oh, I know a lot of you may know me as Iron Man.

  • 00:00:35,450 --> 00:00:39,370 [CLEARS THROAT] And in case you didn't know,

  • I'll be revealing all sorts of trade secrets here today.

  • The back story was there was this wealthy playboy.

  • He wouldn't take advice from anyone.

  • And then he was asked to play Iron Man.

  • 00:00:51,330 --> 00:00:53,452 Yep, and that's what happened.

  • And now for the first time in a while, I don't know.

  • There's some promotion going on.

  • I'm playing a new character, someone I've always

  • wanted to play, Dr. Dolittle.

  • Yes.

  • Movie is called Dolittle, interestingly enough.

  • It's about a man who talks to animals.

  • It's live action, but all the animals

  • are done with computers.

  • They use rotoscoping and CGI and LOL and WTF.

  • I don't know.

  • I don't know.

  • I have no idea how they do it.

  • But it's incredible what they can do.

  • When I was growing up, if you wanted to talk to animals,

  • you had to do it the old fashioned way.

  • You'd take a bunch of mushrooms and go to the zoo.

  • 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:34,728 All right.

  • 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,390 Yeah, way, way back then.

  • Now, whenever I do a film, I do a ton of research.

  • So for this one, I had to learn as much as I could

  • about all the different animals and species and phylum.

  • And the movie's rated PG, so a lot of the things I learned

  • couldn't be included in the movie

  • because it's a kid's movie.

  • But I thought that doesn't mean I can't share it

  • with you if you're into that.

  • Yeah?

  • 00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:06,670 Here's the first animal I want to tell you about.

  • It is the Argentine bluebird duck.

  • The bluebird duck is only 16 inches tall,

  • but it's hiding something under the water.

  • The male has a very long pool noodle, water gun-- no, no,

  • sea cucumber.

  • Let's call it a-- we're going to call it a rudder.

  • His rudder is 17 inches long, and it's

  • shaped like a corkscrew.

  • See?

  • So the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

  • Just when you thought you might be jealous.

  • The bluebird duck is-- it's like a cross between Tommy

  • Lee and a sommelier.

  • 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,510 Here's the next animal.

  • It is a-- so cute, you would think.

  • It's a root rat, which was also coincidentally my CB handle

  • when I used to drive big rigs.

  • The male root rat mates with the female for up to 12 hours.

  • And then shortly after he finishes,

  • he drops dead, which is why Sting

  • knows to stop after 11 hours.

  • You got to follow the root rat.

  • Here's our next one.

  • That's the animal known as--

  • that's called a Chris Hemsworth.

  • I don't know how that got in there.

  • But coincidentally, honestly, I've seen the guy.

  • We've done costume changes.

  • Also shaped like a corkscrew.

  • (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Yeah, he's got something special down

  • under.

  • Right on!

  • Finally, here's another interesting creature.

  • This is an orb spider.

  • I know I've been talking a lot about rudders and pool noodles

  • and undercover brothers.

  • But now I just want to talk about the penis.

  • The male orb spider has something special

  • about its extra leg.

  • Its detachable.

  • 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:02,769 The male spider takes it off and leaves it behind to have sex.

  • And you thought your husband was lazy.

  • 00:04:07,030 --> 00:04:09,220 But there's a reason for this.

  • If the male stays to mate with the female, 75% of the time

  • the female will kill the male and eat it afterwards.

  • She literally eats her ex.

  • This is also seen with another species, the Tayloress

  • Swiftess.

  • Or no, no, no.

  • She's actually not cruel.

  • She just writes a song about you.

  • She's a sweet species.

  • I hope you've learned a little something today.

  • And that is animals be cray cray.

00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Thank you.

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B1 US TheEllenShow dolittle male rat duck root

Guest Host Robert Downey Jr. Shares Animal Knowledge That Was Too Risque for Dolittle

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