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  • (lively music)

  • - I can't believe it's about to be the new year.

  • - Oh, I know, this year flew by.

  • You have any New Year resolutions?

  • - I guess I got a couple,

  • but I feel weird making those.

  • - Yeah, I know what you mean.

  • It's like there's stuff I wanna change,

  • but I don't know, it's just hard,

  • and I always give up.

  • - Yeah, exactly, same.

  • - How about you, ex-assassin Danny Blade

  • (menacing music)

  • - I resolve to eliminate all who have wronged me.

  • Each one of these names played a part

  • in kidnapping my beloved wife.

  • My goal...

  • To kill every single one of them,

  • but I just haven't gotten around to doing any of it.

  • - I know I mean the resolution that's the easy part right

  • the hard part is actually doing it!

  • I mean I have said I'm gonna lose weight for years.

  • - Ugh every year I say I'm gonna spend less money,

  • and every year I just spend more.

  • - Exactly!

  • Three years ago my dog was taken,

  • the following my daughter was taken too,

  • and now my wife has been taken. Three,

  • But I still haven't gotten around to any of it.

  • - Why do you think that is?

  • - I don't know.

  • I feel like I'm doing everything right.

  • I've studied my enemy, I know their whereabouts,

  • I know every single move that

  • they'll make before they make it.

  • I tell myself "Danny Blade tonight you're gonna butcher

  • one hundred people."

  • - That's a lot.

  • - I know!

  • That's why I get so overwhelmed,

  • I get all in my head

  • and I end up not killing anybody.

  • - Ugh Danny Blade you are sing my life

  • with your words right now.

  • - Strumming my pain.

  • - Its like why don't I just get my A** to the gym already?

  • - I always say "I'm too busy",

  • but last night instead of going to the warehouse

  • to slaughter all of the cartel

  • I ended up watching hours of YouTube videos

  • on how to sharpen knives.

  • - Oh my good

  • - My knives are plenty sharp.

  • I should be out there using them!

  • - Well you know every journey of a thousand miles

  • begins with a single step.

  • - Wow that is so powerful.

  • - I saw it on a poster at Pep Boys.

  • It might have been change you oil

  • every three thousand miles I don't remember.

  • - Still powerful.

  • - Either way you know your right.

  • We need to take it a day at a time,

  • you know make simple achievable goals.

  • - Instead of killing everyone in one night,

  • maybe I should set a goal to kill one person a day.

  • - Yeah. - There you go!

  • - UGHH but that would take forever!

  • (loud bang)

  • - Change is hard.

  • - I just wish there was a magical bullet

  • that I could shoot at one person and it would just

  • fly around and kill everyone.

  • - Yeah like Wanted.

  • - Yes I want it.

  • - No like the movie wanted.

  • - What?

  • - It has the bullet that your talking about.

  • It like get shot into a bunch of different peoples

  • heads all at once, like.

  • - I don't...

  • - You know what I'm talking about?

  • - Ummhmm

  • - Wanted, Wanted!

  • - I want it.

  • - Look you know what I think would do you alot of good,

  • changing you outlook.

  • - Well I did start a bullet journal.

  • - (both) Ohhhh!

  • - Each bullet is meant for a different enemy.

  • Seeing them labeled and organized really helps me

  • make sense of it all.

  • - That's great.

  • - I think that's awesome.

  • And you know what we should do?

  • We should do like regular check-ins,

  • you know for accountability.

  • - Oh my god I love that idea!

  • - Right!

  • If you need to reach me,

  • take this coin to the bar at the Hotel Estrella,

  • ask for a man named Paolo.

  • He'll know what to do.

  • - I feel like I could just give you my cell phone number.

  • - Too easy to track, trust the coin.

  • - Hey I got 4 pizzas for the cast of College Humor.

  • - Who ordered them?

  • (dramatic music)

  • - Uhhhhhhh

  • (gunshot)

  • (Gasp)

  • - [Pizza Guy] Mamma mia...

  • - Oh my god...

  • That pizza would have ruined my diet.

  • Thank you Danny Blade.

  • - That one name off the list.

  • This feels great.

  • I earned a cheat day.

  • - Cheat day finally, all right now we're talking!

  • - Lets go to Vegas.

  • (cheers)

  • - Cheat day!

  • - Hey it's Jess if you like College Humor,

  • and to support us sign up for DROPOUT,

  • for the low price of a quirky pair of socks

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  • To chat with us live on the DROPOUT Discord,

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  • the latest episode of the erotic book club podcast.

  • - There a scene where she eats a cantaloupe

  • and it gets me!

  • - Oh my god its hot its really hot!

  • - Sign up for your free trail today.

  • Trail that was a typo.

  • I don't have any trials to give away,

  • I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that,

  • I'd buy a lot land I guess ugh god.

(lively music)

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B1 US danny blade bullet cheat ugh assassin

Assassin's New Years Resolutions

  • 80 4
    羅世康 posted on 2020/01/14
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