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  • WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"!

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WE'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,

  • TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S RACIST RHETORIC.

  • BUT THERE'S ONE RACE TRUMP DISLIKES MORE THAN ALL THE

  • OTHERS, AND THAT'S THE RACE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

  • TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."

  • >> RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THE NEXT DEMOCRATIC

  • DEBATE IS A MONTH AWAY, AND ONLY EIGHT CANDIDATES HAVE QUALIFIED

  • SO FAR.

  • EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING DESPERATE TO BREAK THROUGH.

  • FOR INSTANCE, COLORADO SENATOR AND MAN WHO GOT CUT FROM THE

  • CIALIS COMMERCIAL FOR BEING TOO BORING, MICHAEL BENNET.

  • BENNET PUT OUT A PRETTY RADICAL CAMPAIGN PROMISE TUESDAY,

  • TWEETING, "IF YOU ELECT ME PRESIDENT, I PROMISE YOU WON'T

  • HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ME FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WAAAAAY AHEAD OF YOU...

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I WANT TO SAY... MITCHELL

  • BUCKET?

  • I'M NOT SURE.

  • BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I DO GET EXCITED ABOUT THE IDEA OF NOT

  • THINKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.

  • ALSO: NOT THINKING.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER CANDIDATE DESPERATE TO

  • APPEAL TO VOTERS IS TECH ENTREPRENEUR AND GUY KILLING ON

  • C.F.O. STAND-UP NIGHT, ANDREW YANG.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, YANG UNVEILED A

  • SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF HIS "FAVORITE JAMS," INCLUDING SUCH

  • HITS AS "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME."

  • WAIT, SORRY, THAT'S ACTUALLY HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, A FEW OF THOSE CANDIDATES

  • MIGHT END UP ON THE BALLOT.

  • BUT IN ONE STATE, DONALD TRUMP MIGHT NOT.

  • BECAUSE A NEW CALIFORNIA LAW REQUIRES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

  • TO RELEASE THEIR TAX RETURNS IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON THE PRIMARY

  • BALLOT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.

  • WOW.

  • THAT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • WE'RE GOING TO SEE EVERYONE'S TAX RETURNS.

  • SO WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF MARIANNE WILLIAMSON WRITES OFF

  • HER DREAMCATCHER AS A MEDICAL EXPENSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, TRUMP AND THE

  • REPUBLICAN PARTY SUED CALIFORNIA OVER THE LAW, CALLING IT "A

  • NAKED POLITICAL ATTACK AGAINST THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES."

  • (AS TRUMP) "IT'S A NAKED ATTACK.

  • AND NOT THE GOOD KIND,LIKE BARGIN' IN ON THE MISS TEEN

  • U.S.A. DRESSING ROOM."

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "AND I WANT TO REMIND YOU, THIS

  • IS ME DONALD TRUMP TALKING, NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • STEPHEN THINKS THAT'S TERRIBLE.

  • I, DONALD TRUMP, THINK IT WAS FUN ."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, CALIFORNIA DIDN'T NAME

  • TRUMP IN THEIR LAW, SO TRUMP SUING THEM IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

  • (AS GUY AT P.T.A. MEETING) "GUYS, THIS NEW PTA RULE THAT

  • YOU CAN'T SNEAK A LUKEWARM COCKTAIL OF VODKA AND CRYSTAL

  • LITE INTO MEETINGS INSIDE YOUR WATER BOTTLE IS A CLEAR ATTACK

  • AGAINST MY WIFE.

  • SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT HERSELF AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: APPLAUDING EITHER FOR VODKA OR CRYSTAL LIGHT.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. SUIT CLAIMS THAT THIS

  • NEW LAW VIOLATES THE U.S.

  • CONSTITUTION BY CREATING AN EXTRA REQUIREMENT TO RUN FOR

  • PRESIDENT.

  • BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.

  • THERE ARE ALREADY ALL SORTS OF OTHER REQUIREMENTS TO GET ONTO

  • STATE BALLOTS.

  • IN ALABAMA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET AT LEAST 350 SIGNATURES.

  • IN IDAHO, CANDIDATES HAVE TO PAY A FILING FEE.

  • AND IN FLORIDA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET THEIR PETITIONS NOTARIZED

  • BY A LICENSED METH ADDICT ALLIGATOR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND ALBERT GATOR, I BELIEVE IS

  • HIS NAME.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) RIGHT NOW -- WHAT IS THIS?

  • WHAT IS THIS?

  • HOW MANY, 50 YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY?

  • JUST TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

  • WHOO!

  • TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

  • SOMEONE TELL MY MIRROR.

  • TWO AND HALF YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, AND PRESIDENT

  • TRUMP SAYS SO MANY STUPID THINGS, IT'S EASY TO FORGET A

  • FEW.

  • LIKE THE TIME HE SAID HE GOT BIGGER CROWDS THAN JAY-Z.

  • OR THE TIME HE SAID VENEZUELANS WERE ALL DESCENDED FROM INBRED

  • CONQUISTADORS.

  • OR THE TIME HE SAID WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER.

  • OKAY, I MADE ONE OF THOSE UP, BUT AT THIS POINT, DOES IT

  • MATTER WHICH ONE?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • JAY-Z, YEAH -- BIGGER CROWD THAN JAY-Z.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: ANYWAY, HE MAKES A LOT OF WEIRD CLAIMS,

  • SO IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE IF YOU FORGOT THIS ONE, FROM A COUPLE

  • OF YEARS AGO, ABOUT THE PRICE OF BUYING A NEW "AIR FORCE ONE."

  • >> THEY WERE CLOSE TO SIGNING A $4.2 BILLION DEAL TO HAVE A NEW

  • AIR FORCE ONE.

  • CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

  • I SAID NO WAY.

  • I SAID I REFUSE TO FLY IN A $4.2 BILLION AIRPLANE.

  • WE'VE GOT THAT PRICE DOWN OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.

  • WE SAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON AIR FORCE 1.

  • $1.4 BILLION WE SAVED.

  • I WAS ABLE TO SAVE $1.5 BILLION.

  • WE ADDED THINGS AND I GOT 1.6 BILLION OFF.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "I SAVED $1.6 BILLION, GOT THEM

  • TO WAIVE THE CARRY-ON BAGGAGE FEE, AND AS LONG AS HE WEARS A

  • VEST, I CAN BRING STEPHEN MILLER AS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RACIST."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • SO HOW DID TRUMP GET THE PRICE OF AIR FORCE ONE SO LOW?

  • WELL, APPARENTLY, INSTEAD OF BUILDING NEW PLANES, HE FOUND

  • CHEAP 747'S THAT WERE OWNED BY A RUSSIAN AIRLINE.

  • AH-HA!

  • SO NOW, THE UNITED STATES HAS SOMETHING RUSSIA USED AND

  • DISCARDED... AND HE IS BUYING THEIR OLD AIRPLANES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • STILL, IF THE PRESIDENT REALLY DID SAVE THE TAXPAYERS OVER A

  • BILLION DOLLARS, HE DESERVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

  • BUT HE DOESN'T, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.

  • IT TURNS OUT THE COST OF TRUMP'S NEW AIR FORCE ONE HAS

  • SKYROCKETED NEARLY $2 BILLION MORE THAN THE ORIGINAL ESTIMATE.

  • OH, GREAT, SO INSTEAD OF SAVING US A BILLION, IT'S COSTING US

  • TWO BILLION?

  • EVIDENTLY, TRUMP MISTAKENLY USED THE "ONE FOR THE PRICE OF TWO!"

  • COUPON.

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"!

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Dem Candidates Take Desperate Measures To Qualify For Next Debate

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    王惟惟 posted on 2020/01/12
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