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  • Hope you had a good weekend.

  • I HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.

  • WE DID A LOT OF STUFF THIS

  • WEEKEND.

  • BUT I HAVE TO SAY, EVEN THOUGH I

  • WAS HAVING A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME

  • THIS WEEKEND AT ONE POINT I

  • WISHED I COULD COME IN TO WORK

  • AND GO STRAIGHT ONTO THE AIR

  • BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP -- YOU KNOW

  • THAT GUY?

  • OKAY.

  • OUR PRESIDENT DONALD JUMANJI

  • TRUMP ON FRIDAY SAID SOMETHING

  • THAT MIGHT TOP OFF ALL THE

  • THINGS HE SAID.

  • THE BEST WORDS, STABLE GENIUS,

  • COVFEFE, ALL OF THEM MAY PALE

  • COMPARED TO WHAT HE SHARED ON

  • FRIDAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE'S

  • SMALL BUSINESS ROUND TABLE

  • EVENT.

  • >> WE HAVE A SITUATION WHERE

  • WE'RE LOOKING VERY STRONGLY AT

  • SINKS AND SHOWERS.

  • AND OTHER ELEMENTS OF BATHROOMS.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • WHERE YOU TURN THE FAUCET ON AND

  • IN AREAS WHERE THERE'S

  • TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF WATER

  • WHERE THE WATER RUSHES OUT TO

  • SEA BECAUSE YOU COULD NEVER

  • HANDLE IT.

  • AND YOU DON'T GET ANY WATER.

  • YOU TURN ON THE FAUCET AND YOU

  • DON'T GET ANY WATER.

  • THEY TAKE A SHOWER AND WATER

  • COMES DRIPPING OUT.

  • IT'S DRIPPING OUT VERY QUIETLY

  • DRIPPING OUT.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILETS 10

  • TIMES, 15 TIMES AS OPPOSED TO

  • ONCE.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • >> Jimmy: 15 TIMES?

  • WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • THE ONLY TIME YOU FLUSH A TOILET

  • 15 TIMES IS IF THE D.E.A. IS

  • BANGING ON YOUR DOOR AND YOU

  • HAVE A KILO OF COCAINE UP YOU.

  • THAT'S NOT NORMAL.

  • HE INSTRUCTED THE HEAD OF THE

  • EPA TO LOOK INTO THIS.

  • CAN YOU IMAGINE?

  • YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THE

  • ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.

  • YOU GET A CALL FROM THE

  • PRESIDENT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE

  • WATER PRESSURE IN HIS TOILET.

  • THIS IS LIKE IF HE CALLED THE

  • DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE TO

  • HAVE THEM REPLACE A DIVOT ON HIS

  • GOLF COURSE.

  • IT'S NUTS.

  • BUT APPARENTLY THIS IS A BIG

  • ISSUE FOR ANTI-REGULATION

  • CONSERVATIVES, AND TRUMP IS

  • EMBRACING IT.

  • HE EVEN HAS A NEW CAMPAIGN

  • SLOGAN.

  • DRAIN THE TOILET.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • WHICH NOW THAT THE SWAMP IS

  • EMPTY WHY NOT?

  • I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR US TO

  • REMEMBER WE MAY NEVER SEE

  • ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN.

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT SPENT MUCH OF

  • THE WEEKEND THIS WEEKEND

  • DRAINING HIS CELL PHONE.

  • HE TWEETED 105 TIMES YESTERDAY.

  • THAT'S MORE THAN HE FLUSHED THIS

  • WEEKEND.

  • OKAY?

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • HE TWEETED, HE RETWEETED, AND HE

  • RETWEETED HIMSELF.

  • I ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR HIS

  • SUPPORTERS.

  • THEY HAD TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY

  • TAPPING LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE,

  • LIKE.

  • AND NOT ONLY DID HE RETWEET, HE

  • RERETWEETED THIS PIECE OF WORK.

  • THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF HIS HEAD ON

  • SYLVESTER STALLONE'S BODY.

  • DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT ISN'T

  • HIM?

  • DO YOU THINK MAYBE HE'S SO OUT

  • OF IT HE THINKS HE POSED FOR

  • THIS PICTURE?

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • TRUMP'S WEEK IS OFF TO A ROCKY

  • START TOO.

  • THERE WAS MORE TESTIMONY IN THE

  • HOUSE TODAY AS WE HEARD FROM

  • LAWYERS FOR THE LEFT AND RIGHT

  • WHO LAID OUT THEIR ARGUMENTS FOR

  • AND AGAINST IMPEACHMENT.

  • THE ATTORNEY FOR THE

  • REPUBLICANS, THIS GUY STEVE

  • CASTOR, HE WAS THE SAD-LOOKING

  • GENTLEMAN FROM THE HEARINGS A

  • COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

  • HE SHOWED UP.

  • IS IT A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR

  • LAWYER'S BRIEFCASE IS A GROCERY

  • SACK?

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • I WAS HOPING IT WAS FULL OF --

  • HE HAD NOTEBOOKS IN THERE AND A

  • LOST INCRIM

  • LOT OF INCRIMINATING KALE CHIPS.

  • REPUBLICANS TRIED TO MUCK THINGS

  • UP FROM THE GET-GO.

  • THEY STOPPED THE CHAIRMAN OF THE

  • HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE JERRY

  • NADLER A THOUSAND TIMES.

  • THE FIRST TIME WITHIN SECONDS OF

  • HIS OPENING REMARKS.

  • >> THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON THE

  • JUDICIARY WILL COME TO ORDER.

  • WITHOUT OBJECTION THE CHAIR'S

  • AUTHORIZED TO DECLARE RECESSES

  • OF THE COMMITTEE --

  • >> OBJECT.

  • >> OBJECTION NOTED.

  • >> Jimmy: WE'RE OFF TO A FLYING

  • STOP.

  • THAT'S HOW THE WHOLE THING WENT.

  • THE REPUBLICANS -- THEY DON'T

  • REALLY HAVE A DEFENSE.

  • THE PLAN IS TO LAY DOWN AS MANY

  • PI

  • SPEED BUMPS AS POSSIBLE.

  • THE STRATEGY WAS TO RUN OUT THE

  • CLOCK WITH POINT OF ORDER AFTER

  • POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> YOU MADE A RULING ON THE

  • POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> YOU MADE A RULING ON THE

  • POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN.

  • >> THE GENTLEMAN FROM GEORGIA --

  • >> POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> MR. CHAIRMAN, YOU HAVE TO

  • RECOGNIZE --

  • >> THE GENTLEMAN WILL STATE HIS

  • POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> MR. CHAIRMAN, MY POINT OF

  • ORDER IS THIS.

  • IN THE PREVIOUS POINT OF ORDER

  • YOU RULED AGAINST HIS POINT OF

  • ORDER.

  • >> LU LET HIM FINISH HIS POINT

  • OF ORDER, PLEASE?

  • >> MAKE HIS POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> MY POINT OF ORDER IS THAT YOU

  • WERE OUT OF ORDER IN YOUR

  • RULING.

  • >> I MADE A POINT OF ORDER AND

  • YOU WON'T RULE ON IT.

  • >> I HAVE NOT HEARD A POINT OF

  • ORDER.

  • >> CHAIRMAN --

  • >> THE GENTLEMAN HAS A POINT OF

  • ORDER, STATE YOUR POINT OF

  • ORDER.

  • ZPLT POINT OF ORDER IS THIS.

  • >> THAT IS A POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

  • THE COMMITTEE IS IN ORDER.

  • >> WELL, WOULD YOU RULE ON MY

  • ORIGINAL POINT OF ORDER?

  • >> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> IT IS A POINT OF ORDER.

  • >> IT'S NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

  • [ SPEAKING SIMULTANEOUSLY ]

  • >> THAT'S MY POINT OF ORDER.

  • HE SHOULD NOT BE UP HERE.

  • >> IT'S NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • >> Jimmy: THIS WHOLE COURT IS

  • POINT OF ORDER!

  • IT WAS QUITE A DAY TODAY.

  • AND WITH ALL THIS ACRIMONY GOING

  • BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE

  • PARTIES THE WHITE HOUSE

  • SHOCKINGLY REACHED A DEAL WITH

  • HOUSE DEMOCRATS.

  • IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

  • IMPEACHMENT.

  • THAT'S HAPPENING.

  • THE DEAL IS THAT TRUMP WILL GET

  • TO CREATE HIS SPACE FORCE AND IN

  • EXCHANGE THE DEMOCRATS GET NEW

  • PARENTAL LEAVE BENEFITS FOR

  • FEDERAL WORKERS.

  • IT'S EXCITING.

  • NOW FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WILL BE

  • ABLE TO SPEND 12 WEEKS WITH

  • THEIR NEWBORN CHILDREN BEFORE

  • THEY ARE SHOT INTO OUTER SPACE.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • OR I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS

  • EXACTLY.

  • THIS MUST HAVE BEEN A TOUGH

  • NEGOTIATION FOR MIKE PENCE

  • BECAUSE ON THE ONE HAND HE

  • DESPERATELY WANTS TO BE OUR

  • SPACE COMMANDER BUT ON THE OTHER

  • HAND HE GETS A PANIC ATTACK

  • ANYTIME ANYONE MENTIONS FEMALE

  • REPRODUCTION.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • BUT IT'S A RARE SIGN OF

  • COOPERATION BETWEEN PARTIES.

  • AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, DONALD

  • TRUMP SUPPORTS PAID FAMILY

  • LEAVE.

  • YOU KNOW, HE PAID MARLA AND

  • IVANA TO LEAVE THE FAMILY.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT'S

  • LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, HAS BEEN

  • PREPPING HIS OWN CASE IN

  • UKRAINE.

  • HE'S BEEN THERE.

  • TRUMP SAYS HE PLANS TO DELIVER A

  • REPORT BASED ON NEW INFORMATION

  • HE UNCOVERED THERE LAST WEEK.

  • GIULIANI HAS EXTENSIVE TIES TO

  • THE REGION, BOTH THROUGH HIS

  • LEGAL WORK AND HIS EXTENDED

  • FAMILY IN NEARBY TRANSYLVANIA.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • AND NOW ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS

Hope you had a good weekend.

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