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  • The Addams family

  • A-ha!

  • GOMEZ: Caught in the act.

  • Gomez, darling, you startled me.

  • What a thing for a husband to see.

  • On the day when an old suitor is coming to visit,

  • he finds his wife striving to make herself even more beautiful.

  • Darling, Lionel Barker was not an old suitor.

  • He's just a childhood friend.

  • Yet when you got his letter, your eyes lit up like candles in a cave.

  • You need be jealous of no one.

  • I've been yours since that first day

  • you carved my initials in your leg.

  • And I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding

  • sidesaddle on a buffalo.

  • Querido.

  • Querida.

  • Then you don't mind that I plan to ask Lionel to be our houseguest?

  • Not at all. I want him to see what a lovely home we have.

  • Would you like to see what I've done with the guest room?

  • Delighted.

  • Though it may give me a twinge.

  • (GROANS)

  • Charming, absolutely charming.

  • I knew you'd be pleased.

  • Mmm-hmm.

  • How did you ever think of all these homey little touches?

  • Just a knack.

  • Oh, will you look at that?

  • (CAWING)

  • This mattress, it's harder than ours.

  • No mattress, silly.

  • Natural wood. Knotty pine.

  • Superb.

  • Do you really think Lionel will like it?

  • If he's a man of taste, and I'm sure he is.

  • Uh, look, Lionel, you think it's worth it?

  • Going into that creep joint, I mean.

  • As I remember this Morticia dame,

  • she's even spookier than this house.

  • I know they got dough, lots of it, and we need some now.

  • What're you gonna give them?

  • That uranium stock spiel?

  • I have a feeling they're more the phony oil stock type.

  • Now, wait here and keep your fingers crossed, Charlie.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • Yes?

  • Uh, I...

  • Mrs. Addams is expecting me.

  • I'm Lionel Barker.

  • Follow me.

  • You're the butler?

  • Lurch, sir.

  • Lurch.

  • (BRUNO GROWLING)

  • Pardon me.

  • Lionel?

  • Morticia!

  • Lionel, how good to see you.

  • You haven't changed a bit.

  • Except that she's married now.

  • Oh, this is my husband, Gomez Addams.

  • Lionel Barker.

  • You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr. Addams.

  • Yes, a man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • It's quite a place you have here.

  • As long as you're in town, it's your home.

  • Oh, no, really, I couldn't.

  • We insist. We'll send for your bags.

  • Uh, they're right outside.

  • I happened to bring them with me.

  • How fortunate. Darling.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • You rang?

  • Lurch, Mr. Barker's bags are outside.

  • Please take them to the guest room.

  • Perhaps our Mr. Barker would like to join us in a cup of tea.

  • Oh, that would be marvelous.

  • And we can chat about those glorious, gloomy days of our youth.

  • (SIGHING)

  • Those were the fun days.

  • Yes.

  • Do you remember the first time we met?

  • I was in the garden, playing with Hubert and Henery.

  • And you strolled by, and I asked you in.

  • And I said I'd come in if you got rid of Hubert and Henery.

  • MORTICIA: I never understood why.

  • They were such adorable vultures.

  • Just not my type, I guess.

  • Darling, I'm afraid we're leaving you out of the conversation.

  • Oh, you know how it is when old friends get together.

  • Excuse me, I have an urgent call to make.

  • Must you, dear? We'll miss you.

  • Oh, Mr. Barker will be able to amuse you while I'm gone.

  • Hope I didn't upset him.

  • Gomez?

  • Oh, dear Gomez.

  • There's not a jealous bone in his body.

  • "You know how it is when old friends get together."

  • Wonderful, wonderful.

  • Says we're gonna have a big storm tomorrow.

  • Uncle Fester, I'm baring my soul to you, and you just stand there

  • casually reading your newspaper, and last year's.

  • I've been trying to catch up on my reading.

  • This is the first quiet moment I've spent in this thing in days.

  • Mama practically lives in it.

  • You know something? She's getting selfish in her old age.

  • Fester, what am I going to do about Lionel?

  • Who's Lionel?

  • (GROANS)

  • Lionel?

  • Oh, I really had a case on you in those days.

  • Even wrote a poem about you.

  • Oh, yes, a very romantic one, if I remember correctly.

  • I've kept it with all my other treasures, down in the basement.

  • Pretty silly stuff, really.

  • I don't think so at all.

  • How did it go again?

  • LIONEL: "Morticia, you are the only one for me.

  • "I know I shall always want you for my very own."

  • Oh.

  • Can it be true, Uncle Fester? Can she actually be smitten with this Lionel?

  • Who's Lionel?

  • Fester.

  • Oh, that Lionel. Must be.

  • Just going off riding with him.

  • I engineered that so we could talk.

  • Well, still, forgetting to feed her plants.

  • Poor things, they're nearly starved.

  • They won't even let me feed them.

  • A hideous how do you do.

  • Why don't you throw him out?

  • I couldn't.

  • She would have thought that I was jealous.

  • Are you?

  • Of course.

  • It's gnawing at my insides, like a tiger gnawing at an antelope.

  • I wish it would stop. I'm beginning to enjoy it.

  • Well, you gotta get rid of him somehow.

  • I have a plan.

  • We'll make it so uncomfortable for him that he'll want to leave.

  • And I'll need your help.

  • You can count on me.

  • First, we rearrange his room.

  • Oh, brilliant!

  • Well, no use letting this go to waste.

  • Why doesn't she cook this for us?

  • (BIRD TWITTERING)

  • Ah, it's horrible, Gomez. Just horrible.

  • Yes, we've done a magnificent job.

  • It's more than any man could stand.

  • Lionel is going to run screaming into the night.

  • Feel this mattress.

  • Ecch.

  • Listen to this.

  • Just listen to that awful bird.

  • I can't stand it. Let's get out of here.

  • I can't wait till tomorrow morning at breakfast, just Morticia and me.

  • No Lionel.

  • That's the best breakfast I've had in days.

  • Gomez, darling, you haven't touched yours.

  • Oh, I've lost my appetite.

  • I must say, you folks are wonderful hosts.

  • Oh, that room.

  • That beautiful, soft, downy bed.

  • And that gorgeous canary singing me to sleep.

  • And those carnations.

  • In your room?

  • Y-Y-You really liked them?

  • Loved them.

  • Well, I must call my business associate.

  • Excuse me.

  • Oh, by the way, I, uh, I dabble in stocks

  • and I might be able to put you onto something good.

  • We'll discuss it a little later, okay?

  • (GRUNTS)

  • Gomez, I don't see how you could have done

  • such a terrible thing to our guest.

  • Yes, I do. You're jealous.

  • Me?

  • Jealous?

  • That's laughable.

  • No, no, Charlie. I'm not stalling.

  • I gotta give the guy the buildup.

  • Just sit tight and pretty soon we'll split a bundle.

  • Yeah, bye-bye.

  • You know, when I'm through here, Gomez,

  • you ought to stretch out for a while. Wonderful picker-upper.

  • I don't have time.

  • We must concoct another scheme to break up this romance.

  • I have it. A diversionary tactic.

  • Another woman.

  • Oh, that's good. You mean to come between him and Morticia, huh?

  • Right. A seductive creature with an irresistible allure.

  • Now, where can we find one?

  • How about Grandmama?

  • You know, the merry widow.

  • No, Grandmama prefers taller men.

  • But she is the type we want.

  • Maybe we could get my old sweetheart, Queenie.

  • No, she'd never leave the circus.

  • Those bearded ladies make a fortune.

  • If only he hadn't seen Lurch.

  • You know, he'd be ideal in a wig and a dress.

  • If only Lurch were a maid instead of a butler.

  • That's it. A maid.

  • I'll hire a maid from an employment agency.

  • I'll insist on one who is interested in getting married.

  • Hmm, good.

  • Right this way, Miss... What is your name?

  • Mildred, sir.

  • Gee, this place is sort of spooky.

  • Thank you.

  • Now, about your duties...

  • Oh, no. I'm not staying.

  • I think I can change your mind, miss.

  • You don't have that much money.

  • But I do have a houseguest.

  • A dashing young bachelor who would find you most attractive.

  • A man, sir?

  • The kind who needs a wife. In fact, he is seeking one desperately,

  • and it could be you.

  • Well, this isn't such a bad place after all.

  • Your room is right in there.

  • A-ha.

  • Well, Uncle Fester, it looks like we have a winner.

  • A knockout.

  • Those tiny eyes shining through her glasses.

  • And did you notice the way her knees knock together?

  • Uncle Fester, at your age.

  • I've still got an eye for beauty.

  • By tomorrow, Lionel will be her slave.

  • Is there anything I could bring you, sir?

  • No, no.

  • Tea or coffee? Milk? Vegetable juice?

  • No, no, no and no.

  • What's the matter with you, anyway?

  • You followed me all over the place last night.

  • When I turned in, I looked under the bed

  • to make sure you weren't there.

  • Now there you go again.

  • She's not making much progress.

  • Too shy.

  • Oh, I'll light it for you, sir.

  • That does it.

  • This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.

  • You?

  • In my younger days, I had women eating out of my hand.

  • A bit messy, wasn't it?

  • You're simply too timid. You've got to move in on him.

  • You mean chase him?

  • I mean catch him.

  • Grab him in your arms, like this.

  • And pour out your heart.

  • No longer can I hide my feelings, my love.

  • Give me your lips.

  • (GASPS)

  • There, have you got it now?

  • Where is Lionel? Which way did he go?