Is this where the Addams family lives?

Yeah.

You going in there?

I'm the truant officer.

They've got two kids who have never set foot in school.

Good luck, Charlie.

(CREAKS)

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello.

Hello.

Uh, you must be one of the Addams children.

I'm Wednesday.

I'm Mr. Hilliard.

Are your parents at home?

They're always at home.

I'd like to see them.

You mean you wanna come in?

If you don't mind.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Nice place you've got here, Wednesday.

We like it. It's so nice and gloomy.

(BIRDS CAWING)

Who's that?

WEDNESDAY: That used to be a friend of my daddy's.

Wednesday!

Wednesday.

Here. I fixed it for you.

Pugsley is very handy.

Fixed her? That doll doesn't have a head.

It's Marie Antoinette.

Grandmama told us about the French Revolution

and Pugsley chopped off her head.

(GRUNTS)

Meet you out in the cemetery.

Mommy is in the conservatory.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Why, you perked up my African strangler.

Come here, darling.

Mommy, this is Mr. Hilliard.

How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

Uh, Mrs. Addams, I was sent here...

My hemlock has been very listless lately.

Do you know anything about hemlock?

No, Mrs. Addams. I was sent here to...

Oh, what a pity.

I think I'll run along and bury Marie Antoinette.

Have fun, dear.

Just look at my beautiful poison oak.

Every leaf so alive.

Mrs. Addams, your children are six and eight years old...

And growing like toadstools.

My hemlock continues to droop.

They've got to attend school.

It's the law.

Oh, I'd love to discuss that with you, Mr. Hilliard,

but you see, I can't.

You must speak to my husband.

The law is his responsibility.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

That's quite a bell.

Yes, Gomez is very fond of it.

But we can never use it when we have a cake in the oven.

Hello, Mr. Addams.

I didn't hear you come in.

Lurch is our butler.

He will take you to Mr. Addams.

Uh, couldn't I just stay here?

I'm sure you and I can settle this matter.

On the other hand, perhaps it would be better to see Mr. Addams.

(IN BARITONE VOICE) Follow me.

My poor little hemlock.

Where have I failed you?

I know.

You haven't been getting enough moonlight.

Mr. Addams.

Mr. Addams, I am Sam Hilliard from the Sherwood School.

How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

HILLIARD: I just stopped by to talk to you about...

(ALARM BLARING)

They're gonna crash.

You think so, huh?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

You meant to blow them up?

Of course. Why else would a grown man play with trains?

You wanna blow the other bridge?

Oh, some other time.

You know how it is with a small child and new trains.

What can I do for you?

Uh, it's about sending the children to school.

Oh, Mama's in charge of the education.

She's in the guest room playing darts with Uncle Fester.

But they've got to go to school.

Everybody sends their kids to school.

Ridiculous. Why have children just to get rid of them?

I'm opposed to the whole nonsense.

But don't you want them to learn?

Learn, you say?

Look at that. Little Wednesday's.

Spiders.

Pedigreed.

Ever known a child who could raise thoroughbred spiders?

No.

There you are.

But I was referring to more formal learning.

Uh, reading.

What is there for a six-year-old to read?

But someday she'll be 26.

See you then.

Mr. Addams, surely you want your youngsters to be like other children.

But they are.

You should see little Pugsley wrestling with his octopus.

A live octopus?

He's all boy.

What if he bites him?

Mr. Hilliard, Pugsley doesn't bite.

A little nip now and then perhaps.

But it's all in fun.

Well, look, this isn't my idea.

The board of education...

We have our own board of education.

Mama tutors the children in all the fine arts.

Music, painting, ballet.

She's the longhair of the family.

And a fantastic dart player.

You only got 10 points.

I nipped him in the ear, didn't I?

Ear? Watch the master.

You're standing right in my way.

It's the only safe place.

Step aside.

Now watch this one.

Right in the old gizzard.

This is the guest room.

That was close.

Go ahead, Fester, you get another shot.

This time, get him right in the old heart.

(SCREAMING)

What's the matter with your friend?

I don't know.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Weird, isn't he?

HILLIARD: Then that crazy plant grabbed me.

And you should've seen how happy he was when he blew up the bridge.

And that big monster they call a butler.

He would've frightened Frankenstein.

Now, Mr. Hilliard, really.

I was there.

That knife was aimed straight at my heart.

Now, now, calm down.

But I got away.

Please try and pull yourself together.

Mr. Hilliard,

if you'll take my advice, you'll go home

and lie down for a while.

If you take my advice,

you'll leave those Addams kids right where they are.

That's the closet. I'm sorry.

I never knew he drank.

Oh, the thorns are so much larger this fall.

Lovely, Morticia.

You have such a way with roses.

Thank you, Gomez.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Did I just hear a peal of thunder?

You did, Tish. You did.

Oh, that's the most heavenly sound.

It makes life worth living.

You remember our honeymoon, Gomez?

Who could forget our first night in Death Valley.

There was a stillness in the air.

Tish.

The moon was full.

And that lovely soft fluttering of bat wings.

And the divine cave.

You're so romantic, Tish.

I think they're waiting for us, Gomez.

(LURCH PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

The music is so lovely.

Look, darling. I finished it this morning.

How do you think Cousin Imar is going to like his new sweater?

Uh-huh.

That's odd.

What's odd, dear?

I didn't know Cousin Imar wore turtleneck sweaters.

(PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)

(PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

Mmm. Querida.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

The mail's in.

Never mind, Lurch. I'll get it.

Thank you, Thing.

It's for you, Mommy.

Thank you, darling.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What is it, Tish?

The Sherwood School insists that we enroll the children immediately.

We must've made a very good impression on that Mr. Hilliard.

Morticia, you can't send the children to school.

I'll be lost without them.

Gomez, I've seen little Wednesday

looking out the fence at the other children.

I think she wants to play with them.

Well, she didn't get that from my side of the family.

School?

I never went to school, and look how I turned out.

Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.

There's such a thing as learning and accomplishment.

Accomplishment?

Who else do you know that's 110 volts?

FESTER: Watch!

(BUZZING)

Beautiful.

I can even make it blink.

(BUZZING)

You do have natural talent, Uncle Fester.

But that has nothing to do with learning or knowledge.

I'll call the school and tell them we'll be there in the morning.

Morticia.

Gomez.

Darling.

Mother knows best. Now, believe me.

We'll send the children to school.

School? That's for kids.

(PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

I'm sure the children are going to be very happy here.

If we wanted them to be happy, we'd have let them stay home.

Now, Miss Comstock, I...

Wasn't that that nice Mr. Hilliard?

He certainly is an odd one, isn't he?

Have you noticed it, too?

Yes.

Why, do you know, he suddenly ran out of our house the other day?

Frightened by a simple game of darts.

I'm going to have to have another talk with him.

B-O-O-Z-E.

Booze.

Really? I guess I underestimated him.

Come along, children.

Be good today, Wednesday, Pugsley.

PUGSLEY: All right.

Goodbye, children.

Goodbye.

Oh, dear.

I'm going to miss the patter of their little feet

sneaking up behind me.

I'm so glad we had no trouble with this.

Of course, these cases bring the superintendent down on our necks.

And he's the most difficult, troublesome man.

Oh?

COMSTOCK: And there's always one like that in the school system.

GOMEZ: Well, I know just how to handle it.

You get me his picture and I'll send it to my friend DuBois in Haiti.

When he's through sticking pins in it...

Gomez.

You haven't heard from DuBois in years.