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  • The Addams family

  • Is this where the Addams family lives?

  • Yeah.

  • You going in there?

  • I'm the truant officer.

  • They've got two kids who have never set foot in school.

  • Good luck, Charlie.

  • (CREAKS)

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • (DOOR CREAKING)

  • Hello.

  • Hello.

  • Uh, you must be one of the Addams children.

  • I'm Wednesday.

  • I'm Mr. Hilliard.

  • Are your parents at home?

  • They're always at home.

  • I'd like to see them.

  • You mean you wanna come in?

  • If you don't mind.

  • (BRUNO GROWLING)

  • (BRUNO GROWLING)

  • Nice place you've got here, Wednesday.

  • We like it. It's so nice and gloomy.

  • (BIRDS CAWING)

  • Who's that?

  • WEDNESDAY: That used to be a friend of my daddy's.

  • Wednesday!

  • Wednesday.

  • Here. I fixed it for you.

  • Pugsley is very handy.

  • Fixed her? That doll doesn't have a head.

  • It's Marie Antoinette.

  • Grandmama told us about the French Revolution

  • and Pugsley chopped off her head.

  • (GRUNTS)

  • Meet you out in the cemetery.

  • Mommy is in the conservatory.

  • (BIRDS CHIRPING)

  • Why, you perked up my African strangler.

  • Come here, darling.

  • Mommy, this is Mr. Hilliard.

  • How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

  • Uh, Mrs. Addams, I was sent here...

  • My hemlock has been very listless lately.

  • Do you know anything about hemlock?

  • No, Mrs. Addams. I was sent here to...

  • Oh, what a pity.

  • I think I'll run along and bury Marie Antoinette.

  • Have fun, dear.

  • Just look at my beautiful poison oak.

  • Every leaf so alive.

  • Mrs. Addams, your children are six and eight years old...

  • And growing like toadstools.

  • My hemlock continues to droop.

  • They've got to attend school.

  • It's the law.

  • Oh, I'd love to discuss that with you, Mr. Hilliard,

  • but you see, I can't.

  • You must speak to my husband.

  • The law is his responsibility.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • That's quite a bell.

  • Yes, Gomez is very fond of it.

  • But we can never use it when we have a cake in the oven.

  • Hello, Mr. Addams.

  • I didn't hear you come in.

  • Lurch is our butler.

  • He will take you to Mr. Addams.

  • Uh, couldn't I just stay here?

  • I'm sure you and I can settle this matter.

  • On the other hand, perhaps it would be better to see Mr. Addams.

  • (IN BARITONE VOICE) Follow me.

  • My poor little hemlock.

  • Where have I failed you?

  • I know.

  • You haven't been getting enough moonlight.

  • Mr. Addams.

  • Mr. Addams, I am Sam Hilliard from the Sherwood School.

  • How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

  • (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

  • HILLIARD: I just stopped by to talk to you about...

  • (ALARM BLARING)

  • They're gonna crash.

  • You think so, huh?

  • Beautiful. Beautiful.

  • You meant to blow them up?

  • Of course. Why else would a grown man play with trains?

  • You wanna blow the other bridge?

  • Oh, some other time.

  • You know how it is with a small child and new trains.

  • What can I do for you?

  • Uh, it's about sending the children to school.

  • Oh, Mama's in charge of the education.

  • She's in the guest room playing darts with Uncle Fester.

  • But they've got to go to school.

  • Everybody sends their kids to school.

  • Ridiculous. Why have children just to get rid of them?

  • I'm opposed to the whole nonsense.

  • But don't you want them to learn?

  • Learn, you say?

  • Look at that. Little Wednesday's.

  • Spiders.

  • Pedigreed.

  • Ever known a child who could raise thoroughbred spiders?

  • No.

  • There you are.

  • But I was referring to more formal learning.

  • Uh, reading.

  • What is there for a six-year-old to read?

  • But someday she'll be 26.

  • See you then.

  • Mr. Addams, surely you want your youngsters to be like other children.

  • But they are.

  • You should see little Pugsley wrestling with his octopus.

  • A live octopus?

  • He's all boy.

  • What if he bites him?

  • Mr. Hilliard, Pugsley doesn't bite.

  • A little nip now and then perhaps.

  • But it's all in fun.

  • Well, look, this isn't my idea.

  • The board of education...

  • We have our own board of education.

  • Mama tutors the children in all the fine arts.

  • Music, painting, ballet.

  • She's the longhair of the family.

  • And a fantastic dart player.

  • You only got 10 points.

  • I nipped him in the ear, didn't I?

  • Ear? Watch the master.

  • You're standing right in my way.

  • It's the only safe place.

  • Step aside.

  • Now watch this one.

  • Right in the old gizzard.

  • This is the guest room.

  • That was close.

  • Go ahead, Fester, you get another shot.

  • This time, get him right in the old heart.

  • (SCREAMING)

  • What's the matter with your friend?

  • I don't know.

  • (DOOR SLAMS)

  • Weird, isn't he?

  • HILLIARD: Then that crazy plant grabbed me.

  • And you should've seen how happy he was when he blew up the bridge.

  • And that big monster they call a butler.

  • He would've frightened Frankenstein.

  • Now, Mr. Hilliard, really.

  • I was there.

  • That knife was aimed straight at my heart.

  • Now, now, calm down.

  • But I got away.

  • Please try and pull yourself together.

  • Mr. Hilliard,

  • if you'll take my advice, you'll go home

  • and lie down for a while.

  • If you take my advice,

  • you'll leave those Addams kids right where they are.

  • That's the closet. I'm sorry.

  • I never knew he drank.

  • Oh, the thorns are so much larger this fall.

  • Lovely, Morticia.

  • You have such a way with roses.

  • Thank you, Gomez.

  • (THUNDER CRASHING)

  • Did I just hear a peal of thunder?

  • You did, Tish. You did.

  • Oh, that's the most heavenly sound.

  • It makes life worth living.

  • You remember our honeymoon, Gomez?

  • Who could forget our first night in Death Valley.

  • There was a stillness in the air.

  • Tish.

  • The moon was full.

  • And that lovely soft fluttering of bat wings.

  • And the divine cave.

  • You're so romantic, Tish.

  • I think they're waiting for us, Gomez.

  • (LURCH PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

  • The music is so lovely.

  • Look, darling. I finished it this morning.

  • How do you think Cousin Imar is going to like his new sweater?

  • Uh-huh.

  • That's odd.

  • What's odd, dear?

  • I didn't know Cousin Imar wore turtleneck sweaters.

  • (PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)

  • (PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

  • Mmm. Querida.

  • (ALARM SOUNDING)

  • The mail's in.

  • Never mind, Lurch. I'll get it.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • It's for you, Mommy.

  • Thank you, darling.

  • Oh, isn't that sweet?

  • What is it, Tish?

  • The Sherwood School insists that we enroll the children immediately.

  • We must've made a very good impression on that Mr. Hilliard.

  • Morticia, you can't send the children to school.

  • I'll be lost without them.

  • Gomez, I've seen little Wednesday

  • looking out the fence at the other children.

  • I think she wants to play with them.

  • Well, she didn't get that from my side of the family.

  • School?

  • I never went to school, and look how I turned out.

  • Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.

  • There's such a thing as learning and accomplishment.

  • Accomplishment?

  • Who else do you know that's 110 volts?

  • FESTER: Watch!

  • (BUZZING)

  • Beautiful.

  • I can even make it blink.

  • (BUZZING)

  • You do have natural talent, Uncle Fester.

  • But that has nothing to do with learning or knowledge.

  • I'll call the school and tell them we'll be there in the morning.

  • Morticia.

  • Gomez.

  • Darling.

  • Mother knows best. Now, believe me.

  • We'll send the children to school.

  • School? That's for kids.

  • (PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

  • (CHILDREN CHATTERING)

  • I'm sure the children are going to be very happy here.

  • If we wanted them to be happy, we'd have let them stay home.

  • Now, Miss Comstock, I...

  • Wasn't that that nice Mr. Hilliard?

  • He certainly is an odd one, isn't he?

  • Have you noticed it, too?

  • Yes.

  • Why, do you know, he suddenly ran out of our house the other day?

  • Frightened by a simple game of darts.

  • I'm going to have to have another talk with him.

  • B-O-O-Z-E.

  • Booze.

  • Really? I guess I underestimated him.

  • Come along, children.

  • Be good today, Wednesday, Pugsley.

  • PUGSLEY: All right.

  • Goodbye, children.

  • Goodbye.

  • Oh, dear.

  • I'm going to miss the patter of their little feet

  • sneaking up behind me.

  • I'm so glad we had no trouble with this.

  • Of course, these cases bring the superintendent down on our necks.

  • And he's the most difficult, troublesome man.

  • Oh?

  • COMSTOCK: And there's always one like that in the school system.

  • GOMEZ: Well, I know just how to handle it.

  • You get me his picture and I'll send it to my friend DuBois in Haiti.

  • When he's through sticking pins in it...

  • Gomez.

  • You haven't heard from DuBois in years.