Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

  • (GRUNTING)

  • Here you are, darling.

  • Thank you, my dear.

  • GOMEZ: Pull!

  • Excellent, my dear.

  • Let's see if you can do this for me, though.

  • Okay.

  • My dear.

  • Pull!

  • Ole, ole.

  • I give up, querida mia.

  • I simply haven't the dexterity

  • to squeeze off shots like that.

  • Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurch's head?

  • Oh, much safer and less expensive.

  • These poor steel-tipped arrows

  • haven't a chance against Lurch's head.

  • Incidentally, darling, does Lurch seem troubled to you?

  • I spoke to him a few moments ago and he didn't even answer me.

  • Didn't act like he heard me.

  • Do you suppose he's ill?

  • I don't know.

  • He's been terribly depressed ever since he got that letter

  • from his mother this morning.

  • Not himself at all.

  • How could you tell?

  • He smiled.

  • Something has given him a bad turn.

  • We should find him and get to the root of it.

  • (GROANING)

  • More. More.

  • Oh, gosh, Lurch, give me a turn.

  • You've been having all the fun.

  • Oh, Lurch, you're relaxing. That's a relief.

  • We were worried about you.

  • He says the rack is the only thing

  • that helps him forget his troubles.

  • Well, it'll do it every time,

  • but you do have a problem, eh, old man?

  • (GROANING)

  • Oh, now, it's not that bad.

  • Come on, we'll get you off the rack and we'll talk about it.

  • Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing a tasty new dish.

  • Why don't you run along, maybe he'll share it with you.

  • I could stand a snack.

  • Selfish!

  • Come on, old man. Speak up.

  • Now, Lurch, does it have anything to do with the letter

  • you received from your mother this morning?

  • Why, I should think you'd be pleased that she's going to visit.

  • We'd love to have her stay with us.

  • We could put her up in that nice attic room.

  • No.

  • No?

  • I fibbed.

  • To your mama?

  • Oh, well, Mr. Addams and I understand.

  • We understand about those little white lies

  • that a roaming son writes his mother.

  • (GROANING)

  • Lurch, that picture of the house that you sent to your mother,

  • you told her it was your house, right?

  • Well, we always think of you as one of the family, Lurch.

  • A servant.

  • A very good servant.

  • I'm a liar.

  • And a very good liar.

  • Gomez!

  • Oh, sorry, I got carried away.

  • Now don't you fret about a thing.

  • We'll put our heads together and see what we can do to help you.

  • We'll call a family conference.

  • Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something.

  • He has a good head on his shoulders.

  • Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around.

  • He has two of them.

  • I say let's mine the front porch.

  • I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell.

  • That always discourages those magazine salesmen.

  • Not bad, Fester, but why not just wire the doorbell

  • with a few thousand volts?

  • No need to damage the porch.

  • No, no, darling, that wouldn't be kind.

  • You let her get all the way to the door

  • and then disappoint her like that.

  • Why not have Lurch play dead?

  • Good thinking.

  • You think Lurch could be convincing?

  • He looks so alive.

  • It was a very sweet thought, darling, but that's true.

  • Lurch is so vivacious.

  • His most outstanding characteristic.

  • I have it.

  • If Mrs. Lurch thinks that Lurch is a very important, big man

  • and owns this house and everything,

  • why don't we just let her continue to think so?

  • Querida mia. Leave it to you, with your feminine intuition,

  • to come up with the correct answer.

  • Darling.

  • Tish, when you pat my cheek it drives me wild.

  • You Castilians are so fiery.

  • Yes, Cousin Manuelo was a pyromaniac.

  • Darling, later, later.

  • Let's concentrate on Lurch.

  • Oh, yes.

  • Now...

  • Forgive me.

  • ...for the few days that Mrs. Lurch is here,

  • we'll let her think that Lurch is the head of the household,

  • and we'll be the servants.

  • Marvelous.

  • Do you think I'd make a convincing butler?

  • Darling, I couldn't imagine a subtler butler.

  • You'll completely captivate Mrs. Lurch with your savoir-faire.

  • Tish, when you speak French, you know how it affects me.

  • Later, mon cher, later, not now.

  • We have to get this thing settled.

  • Now, I'll be the maid and Mama will be the cook.

  • I will not!

  • Mama.

  • My schoolgirl complexion may have graduated,

  • but I'm not gonna get dish-pan hands for anyone.

  • I'll stay in the cottage till that woman leaves.

  • Excellent idea, Mama, and you can take the children with you.

  • Oh, that's a very good idea, dear.

  • Now, Uncle Fester,

  • you can be the gardener.

  • Forget it.

  • But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like

  • to potter around in the back yard,

  • maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?

  • I like the back yard just the way it is. Bare.

  • I'm gonna move out in the cottage with the others.

  • Well, I guess it'll just have to be the two of us.

  • Darling, we can do it.

  • Let's go tell Lurch and rehearse our roles.

  • There you are, madam.

  • Are you ready for your soup now, sir?

  • Ah, Cara bella!

  • Oh, Morticia, you're enchanting.

  • Thank you, kind sir.

  • Oh, darling, you make a superb butler.

  • It gives full play to your courtly Castilian manner.

  • Oh, Tish, you ravishing creature.

  • Darling, now, remember our new positions.

  • Oh, yes, yes, yes.

  • Is Lurch ready for his first lesson?

  • Yes, he's in the living room now.

  • Now, remember, darling, one ring is for you, two rings for me.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • Yeah.

  • That's me.

  • You rang?

  • You rang?

  • No, no, Lurch. You rang.

  • Oh, no, sir.

  • You rang for me because I'm your butler.

  • And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez.

  • Now sit down.

  • Yes, sir.

  • G-Gomez.

  • Perhaps this will help.

  • A cigar gives a man that masterful feeling.

  • Have you ever smoked?

  • (GROANING)

  • You got a couple of bad leaks there, old man.

  • You better forget the cigars.

  • It's no use.

  • You can do it, Lurch. Just concentrate.

  • Think big. Think important.

  • Think that you are master of all you survey.

  • Think.

  • That's it. Splendid, Lurch. You got it.

  • Now ring for the maid and demand your breakfast.

  • (GONGING)

  • You rang?

  • Telephone, Gomez.

  • Yes, sir. I'll get it, sir.

  • Please, Lurch. I answer the phone.

  • (GROANING)

  • Your evening paper, sir.

  • No, no, Lurch, not the funnies.

  • The financial page.

  • Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.

  • I like the funnies.

  • Very good, Lurch.

  • You actually sounded masterful then.

  • Now, as far as pinching the maid...

  • (GROANING)

  • Perhaps that would be carrying it a bit too far.

  • But I don't want your mother to become suspicious.

  • Perhaps you'd better just make eyes at me instead.

  • (GROANING)

  • Try it, Lurch.

  • Lurch, as mistress of this house,

  • I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.

  • Perhaps you'd better just try a devilish smile.

  • Forget it, Lurch. I'm just not your type.

  • (GROANING)

  • Your Cognac, sir.

  • I never drink.

  • Nonsense.

  • Gentlemen of quality always have a brandy after dinner.

  • It's a sign of sophistication and culture.

  • (GULPS)

  • (COUGHING)

  • Well, he just flunked sophistication.

  • Morticia.

  • Darling, what do you think?

  • Cousin Imar asked me to sew in his college seal.

  • Princeton.

  • Beautiful.

  • Morticia, we've done it.

  • Lurch just ordered me to shine his shoes.

  • That's wonderful.

  • He even reprimanded me this morning.

  • He said his toast wasn't black enough.

  • He's completely brainwashed.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • The doorbell. That may be his mama now.

  • It's Mama.

  • All right.

  • Now you let me open the door properly, Lurch.

  • You greet her right here.

  • How do you do?

  • Where's my boy?

  • Oh, there you are! Sonny.

  • Mama.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • There she goes again. That's me.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • Two rings. That's me.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • Three blasts. It's an all-out command performance this time.

  • Let's wait till she makes up her mind.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • Sonny, I don't know how you put up with such miserable servants.

  • They're never around when you want them.

  • She really is a little cyclone.

  • Not at all what I expected Lurch's mother to be like.

  • I haven't sat down since she got here.

  • (GROANING)

  • What is it, darling?

  • I'm all kinked up from last night, sleeping on the divan.

  • Oh.

  • I miss our nice, big bed.

  • Well, I suppose she was right in saying

  • that Lurch should have the master bedroom.

  • After all, she does think he's the master of the house.

  • Well, at least you slept on Lurch's bed in the attic.

  • She's really quite insensitive for such a dear little thing.

  • Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus?

  • Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped.

  • She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.

  • That's inhuman.

  • I rescued them just in time.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • Let's call