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  • - This is a story of when I realized

  • why I don't date White guys.

  • See, in the past it was a long string of Latinos

  • and a Korean and that didn't work out

  • and I'm missing out on a whole dating pool.

  • So I was like, "I'mma open it up on ok cupid.

  • "Let's date a White guy."

  • But I didn't figure out my limits with White guys

  • until my third date with this guy, Jim.

  • His real name wasn't Jim,

  • but it was basically Jim.

  • - My parents were totally right.

  • The piano lessons really did pay off.

  • - We're not gonna tell them that though, right?

  • - No (laughing)

  • but I mean, me being a professional musician

  • might tip them off.

  • - (laughing) Yeah, totally.

  • During the walk, I could feel him

  • making a move,

  • but I wasn't ready.

  • So as he was leaning in,

  • I blocked him, no!

  • Hey, these plants aren't native to California, right?

  • - Hey, let's stop by my house.

  • It's on the way to lunch.

  • Let me show you those jazz records.

  • - In his defense,

  • we were actually talking about his jazz records.

  • Jim makes a beeline to his bedroom.

  • As I follow him, I see something

  • out of the corner of my eye.

  • (menacing music)

  • A set of decorative Samurai swords.

  • And in that moment, a rush of memories snap in.

  • He did tell me on our first date

  • that he taught English in Japan.

  • And oh right, he did tell me on our second date

  • that he took Mandarin Chinese classes.

  • What was I thinking?

  • He wants to add me to his collection

  • of decorative Oriental objects.

  • You know, maybe it's just the one thing.

  • What is it they say?

  • Once is an accident.

  • Twice is a coincidence.

  • But three times?

  • (menacing music)

  • Is an enemy action.

  • I mean, even my extra Chinese immigrant parent's house

  • had three fewer calligraphy scrolls than this guy.

  • And in that moment of panic,

  • I imagined that all Jim wanted was

  • someone in that bedroom

  • wearing a silky kimono robe,

  • chopsticks in her hair

  • and ribbon dancing for him.

  • Because let's be honest,

  • the only two sub-populations of people

  • that I could possibly date

  • who would have that many

  • Chinese calligraphy scrolls on their walls

  • would be number one,

  • real Asian gangster AZN pride gangster dudes

  • who have these scrolls, unironically,

  • because that shit's beautiful.

  • And the second group?

  • Owners of Chinatown curio gift shops

  • who lack storage.

  • I knew the day was over,

  • but I still wanted that Vietnamese food

  • that Jim said was so good.

  • I'm at the front door

  • and as I'm putting on my shoes

  • because, of course--

  • Hey, what's that?

  • - [Jim] Oh that's just the culmination

  • of my entire music career.

  • - In the middle of this plaque

  • was a photo of him

  • shaking the hand of an old important White guy

  • and Jim is wearing

  • a blue silk China man jacket.

  • For the biggest moment of Jim's entire career,

  • he wanted to look like Jackie Chan.

  • That was it.

  • I was like, I'm done with White land.

  • I could see the bridge to White land

  • and it looks really great on the other side

  • with their high cheek bones,

  • J. Crew outfits and potato salad,

  • but I was done.

  • First I thought, "You know what?

  • "I'mma bomb this bridge to White land.

  • "No Jenny shall pass."

  • And then I realized,

  • it's not that I shouldn't date any White guys,

  • it's that I should not date a White guy

  • who's more Asian than me.

  • (lively music)

- This is a story of when I realized

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When You Realize He Has Yellow Fever

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    柠檬桉 posted on 2019/07/21
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