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  • - From Comedy Central's world news headquarters

  • in New York, "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" presents...

  • [dramatic music]

  • ♪ ♪

  • - If you think Donald Trump has problems with Muslim women,

  • wait until you hear what British politician

  • Boris Johnson said this week.

  • - Boris Johnson set out to criticize Denmark

  • for banning burqas in a recent column for "The Telegraph,"

  • but instead, he became the subject of scrutiny himself

  • after insulting the women who wear them.

  • Johnson said, among other things...

  • - What?

  • You know what's crazy about this story?

  • It's that he said that while criticizing Denmark

  • for banning the burqa.

  • Like, he was, like, "How dare you target

  • "these mailbox-looking people?

  • "You guys need to work on your tolerance, you--

  • what, what, now I'm in trouble? Oh, I see what happened."

  • Damn, Boris. Like, the guy probably

  • had one bad experience putting a letter

  • inside a woman with a burqa, and now he's trying

  • to play it off like we all get them confused.

  • And also, just--by the way, maybe Boris Johnson

  • isn't the best person to be criticizing

  • the way other people look. All right?

  • Like, maybe he should be wearing a burqa.

  • Like, what's going on over there?

  • Look at this guy! He looks like he just

  • got out of the shower, but somehow,

  • it made him dirtier. That's what he looks like.

  • Like, Boris Johnson looks like if Donald Trump drank.

  • That's what he looks like. He looks like if Owen Wilson

  • was addicted to meth and chocolate.

  • That's what he looks like.

  • [whimsical music]

  • ♪ ♪

  • - Nearly three years after voting

  • to leave the European Union,

  • the UK still can't figure out how to actually do it.

  • Right now, Brexit is the world's

  • biggest "escape the room." That's all this is.

  • Everyone's just confused, like,

  • [British accent] "Have you tried writing

  • a new trade agreement?"

  • "Doesn't work, it's not working."

  • "What about the Irish border?" "It's stuck, it's stuck."

  • "Expelliarmus!" "That's not a real thing."

  • "Well, it was worth a try."

  • [Scottish accent] "Ah, or we could just

  • "stay in the room. I like the room.

  • I don't want to leave the room."

  • [British accent] "Well, bloody hell, it wouldn't

  • be an 'escape the room' if we didn't escape, did it?"

  • "Well, I know this seems complicated,

  • but let me break it down for you."

  • "John Oliver!

  • John Oliver, you're here to save us."

  • "No, actually, I live in America now,

  • "so this is your [bleep] problem.

  • "But I do have a very funny way to explain

  • "how totally [bleep] screwed you are.

  • So bloody [bleep] screwed."

  • "Oh, my God!" So that's basically Brexit.

  • Uh--

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Thank you. Thank you very much.

  • [soft string music]

  • ♪ ♪

  • The British parliament, this week,

  • has been working on a vote for their upcoming Brexit deal,

  • and it has been a complete shitshow.

  • Or as the British call it, a parade of poo.

  • And yesterday, one MP snapped.

  • - A liberal member of the House of Commons did this.

  • He took matters into his own hands

  • by attempting to remove the mace from the chamber.

  • Now, the mace is basically a gold crown

  • on a five foot gold stick.

  • It represents the authority of the Queen in Parliament,

  • and without the mace in the room,

  • they can't meet or pass laws.

  • - Put it down, put it back. No, no, no, no, no.

  • Order, order. No, no, no.

  • - Okay.

  • [laughter]

  • First of all, they can still make the laws.

  • It's just a stick.

  • And secondly, that was the most British heist

  • I've ever seen in my life.

  • It was like, "Pardon me, I'll be stealing this now.

  • Pardon me, pardon me."

  • And the other guy is like, "Actually, sir,

  • please refrain from that."

  • "You're right, there you are. Good day, good day."

  • And I also like that the Queen got so sick

  • of showing up in Parliament meetings,

  • she was just, like, "You know what?

  • "From now on, this stick is in charge.

  • "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to

  • spend some tax money on my 14th corgi."

  • [bright music]

  • ♪ ♪

  • Just look at the British healthcare system.

  • Yes, you guys might have universal coverage

  • for all your citizens, but for one patient,

  • you done [bleep] up.

  • - A man has been mistakenly circumcised

  • while under the care of Leicester's Hospital,

  • according to a new report.

  • The patient was meant to be having a procedure

  • to look inside his bladder using a thin camera.

  • The error was revealed by the clinical commissioning group

  • in compiling so-called "never events"

  • because they should never happen.

  • - Oh, my word.

  • A patient was accidentally circumcised.

  • That is messed up.

  • Have you ever gone to the barber,

  • and then, they took a little too much off your hair?

  • Remember how you freaked out, yeah?

  • Now imagine if that happened to your dick.

  • Huh? Imagine.

  • Because you can't wear a hat on your dick to cover it up.

  • Yeah, you can't be, like,

  • "Sorry, it's just so bright out today.

  • The sun gets in my dick's eyes, yeah."

  • Accidentally circumcised?

  • Now I'm worried that they switched other charts.

  • Like, so someone else in the hospital

  • went home with an extra foreskin.

  • The friend was, like,

  • "I thought you were just getting Botox."

  • It's like, "That's what I thought, too!"

  • [laughter]

  • [applause]

  • And it's not just Britain's health service having issues.

  • It's also one of their airline companies.

  • Because British Airways-- you guys can say it with me.

  • all: You done [bleep] up!

  • - A British Airways flight headed for Germany

  • mistakenly ended up in Scotland.

  • - BA3271's supposed to fly from London

  • straight over the English channel and onto Germany.

  • Instead, the plane took off to the north,

  • flew over most of England before crossing

  • into Scotland and landing in Edinburgh.

  • The problem: A ground stamper typed the wrong airport code

  • into the flight plan and no one noticed.

  • The pilots assumed they were supposed to go to Edinburgh.

  • - No, no, no, no, no, no. British Airways

  • was trying to fly to Germany and flew to Scotland instead?

  • Man, Brexit is screwed.

  • I don't know how Britain is going to leave Europe

  • if they can't even find their way out of their own country.

  • Brexit will probably end up, like,

  • "We did it, we're out of the EU!"

  • We're inde--no, no, no, no.

  • Wait, wait, we're still in the EU.

  • And now, somehow, we've also joined the WNBA.

  • [laughter]

  • ♪ ♪

  • - Moving onto my favorite story of the year,

  • and possibly my favorite story in my entire life.

  • - The concertina wire, or the razor wire

  • used to reinforce the US/Mexico border

  • is being stolen and sold by Tijuana residents

  • for protection due to the city's high crime rate,

  • according to officials.

  • Some homes in the area were also seen

  • with the same razor wire added

  • for an extra layer of protection,

  • but residents refused to say where they got the material.

  • [laughter]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Oh, no, I'm sorry, guys. This is insane.

  • You heard that right. Mexico is stealing the wall.

  • [laughter]

  • Oh, man, oh, man, I wish I could have been there

  • when Donald Trump saw this story on the news.

  • Knowing him, he'd probably be, like,

  • "They did what? Nancy, I'm going to need

  • "you to spot me another $8 billion.

  • We're going to need another wall to protect the first one."

  • And I mean, now, if they're stealing

  • razor wire for their houses,

  • they might as well just steal the whole wall next, right?

  • Because no one's ever thought of that.

  • It was, like, "America will build a wall."

  • No one ever thought Mexico will steal it.

  • Like, Mexicans will be showing off

  • their new home security system, like--

  • "I built a wall around my house,

  • and Donald Trump paid for it."

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Oh, man.

  • Oh, wow.

  • Like, at this rate, at this rate,

  • Trump is just going to end up building all of Tijuana up.

  • They're going to start putting in requests from Mexico.

  • They'll be, like, "You know what's really good

  • "for keeping us out, Señor Trump?

  • "Yeah, garage doors, man.

  • "You should put those at the border.

  • "The ones that fold. Yeah, they scare us.

  • Almost as much as patio furniture, man."

  • [bright music]

  • We have to talk about the big news of the day.

  • And I mean big news.

  • - A man in Australia believes he owns

  • the largest steer in the country.

  • So this is the herd. Wait for it.

  • Look at this thing.

  • We're going to see it in just a second.

  • Oh, my goodness. - Oh, my gosh.

  • - Whoa, his name is Knickers.

  • - He is 6'4'' tall, and weighs almost 3,000 pounds.

  • That's almost as tall as Michael Jordan,

  • and as heavy as a Mini Cooper.

  • - Sweet Jesus.

  • [laughter]

  • I know there's tons of news

  • happening in the world right now.

  • I know there's Trump. I know there's things in Brexit

  • with Britain, I know. But look at that thing!

  • What is going on in Australia?

  • Why is every animal down under so weird?

  • Every animal. Their ducks have fur.

  • The kangaroos have a built-in tummy purse.

  • Like, I feel like Australia's

  • doping all their animals like they're Russian athletes.

  • There's just some crazy guy in Australia who's, like,

  • "Oh, yeah, I'm finished with my super spiders.

  • Now I'll make a cow the size of Michael Jordan."

  • What are you guys doing down there?

  • And honestly, like, that cow is so glorious, right?

  • I bet it's so glorious that last night,

  • the Pope converted to Hinduism.

  • He was, like, "You know what, they're right.

  • "Cows, man.

  • I've been rolling with Jesus for too long."

  • Now, when I saw this giant cow,

  • the first thing I thought was "this is some dope weed."

  • But a lot of other people saw that cow

  • and they took it to a really dark place.

  • - His massive size is also what saved him.

  • Knickers is too big for the meat processing facility,

  • so he will live out the rest of his life with his herd.

  • - He's too heavy for the abattoir,