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  • - Stop sitting in front of your computer

  • wishing you were a better version of yourself.

  • Stop allowing your friends to jack all the babes

  • that belong to you.

  • It is your duty to grab the bull by the dick

  • and listen to your best bud, Rock O Flash,

  • 'cause I'm taking you to the top baby.

  • You think I bought this mansion and made all my money

  • acting like the old me, (beeps) no.

  • Throw the old you away.

  • Remember my 28 rules to live by, force people to like you.

  • Number 11, smack your way to success, yes, I said it.

  • Hit people.

  • Your hands are alarm clocks, waking up the normal population

  • to the new you.

  • What do we think about those normies?

  • (snores)

  • They're boring.

  • Rule 12, you are what you say you are.

  • I've officiated countless weddings, am I ordained?

  • Hell no I'm not ordained.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • Rule 13, 14, and 15, buy the glasses,

  • successful people wear a constant emotional mask.

  • Link in bio.

  • - No more crying about Regina, no more feeling like a loser,

  • embrace the new, take it all.

  • (sniffs)

  • I am Son O Flash.

  • (rock music)

  • - Son, I made a cake version of that Himalayan plane crash

  • I was in.

  • (dramatic music)

  • (yells)

  • - Smack that, cake is empty calories old man.

  • - That was an ice cream therapy cake son.

  • We were supposed to re-eat my friends in sweet treat form

  • to help me work through the guilt

  • of what I had to do to survive.

  • - Rule 20, the past is trash.

  • Son O Flash don't like that sugar dirt.

  • What up, what up?

  • - While it was rough surviving off human flesh,

  • but at least no one smacked it out of my hands.

  • (sad music)

  • - I'm sorry dad, that was mean, my bad,

  • hey look down there, I think some

  • of your cake is still chill.

  • (smacks)

  • - A-man As-ra-el.

  • - Right in the sneezer you geezer.

  • You just got double timed.

  • Rule number eight, deception is cool,

  • with a little rule five, don't just beat your opponent,

  • shame them.

  • - I made that cake to that when Regina and Zeke get here

  • we can eat my dead friends together.

  • I can see now the only dead friend here is you.

  • (slams)

  • - Whatever, when the homies come over,

  • they're going to love the new me.

  • They're gonna have to.

  • (rock music)

  • - [Old Man] Son.

  • - [Son] Not now dad.

  • - [Old Man] Hey son.

  • - [Son] Get out.

  • - [Old Man] I love you son.

  • (laughs)

  • - [Zeke] The village elder rides up on his unicorn

  • and presents you with modest bouquet of flowers,

  • he hopes this small but meaningful token

  • and the gratitude of his people will be enough reward

  • for slaying the hyper-kraken.

  • - Well it's not.

  • Chill-bro refuses the offer and smacks that bundle of weeds

  • he demands the elders unicorn as payment.

  • - Son, what are you doing?

  • - Rule four, don't stop squeezing when you got 'em

  • by the balls baby.

  • Now's the perfect time to renegotiate the deal.

  • - But we swore a secret oath to save the village

  • of the elder pixies.

  • - Chill-bro Braggins, barbarian investor playboy,

  • doesn't give a sniff about his word.

  • Rule nine, truth is what you make it.

  • - The elder reluctantly hands over his majestic companion.

  • - Bingo, baby.

  • Chill-bro slits the unicorns throat and starts sawing off

  • that shiny horn.

  • - You have to roll the die to see if that can happen.

  • - Bam.

  • Chill-bro stuffs the magical horn into his designer satchel,

  • snaps a pic and sends it to the boys,

  • the group chat goes crazy.

  • - The last of the proud unicorns fall to the ground.

  • It's sad sparkling eyes look up,

  • a single rainbow tear falls down her cheek

  • and with that, silence.

  • - Son, what is going on with you?

  • Chill-bro Braggins is ruining our reputation

  • on Triple Earth.

  • (laughs)

  • - Babe you are nuts, Chill-bro is mad friendly.

  • - Friendly?

  • First you pranked the ice hawk and took a dump in her nest,

  • then you stole the secret acorn from the world tree

  • causing the moon of smiles to implode.

  • And then, (giggles) after he gifted you

  • the bracelet of respect, you nut tapped Griminger the Wise.

  • - That was a power move, okay?

  • Had to establish dominance early in the meeting, rule 24.

  • - I wish Sunfred had come on this adventure

  • in place of Chill-bro, he's true hero.

  • - Sunfred isn't a hero, Sunfred is a weakling

  • who wishes he was someone else.

  • Sunfred sits at his computer all day

  • and he hates himself.

  • - Since when does Sunfred the paladin have a computer?

  • - (mumbles) I meant his spell book.

  • Whatever, you know what?

  • Chill-bro is pissed.

  • He orders the villagers to line up by height,

  • and each stick out their good hand and he grabs his sword,

  • - I stab Chill-bro on the back before he can terrorize

  • the elder pixies.

  • - Critical hit, Chill-bro falls dead,

  • villagers give somber cheer as victory

  • is quickly overshadowed by tragic loss of last unicorn.

  • - Whatever, ya'll a bunch of storm-tastic snoozes anyway.

  • I'm a get my rule book and see if Chill-bro

  • can haunt you literal backstabbers.

  • (dramatic music)

  • So what if the unicorn was the purest creature

  • on Triple Earth, rule number 16,

  • if you can make a profit, off it.

  • Hey dad I got a riddle for ya.

  • What animal is magical, the last of it's kind,

  • and super (beeps) dead.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - I'm so sorry I ate you Larry.

  • (weeps)

  • - I guess this is just the way people treat you

  • when you've unlocked it.

  • - [Regina] I don't know what's up with him.

  • - Yeah, I can't believe he dipped his balls

  • in the fountain of rejuvenation.

  • It's like why would you want super young balls?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Which means you still have old penis, you know?

  • - Yeah, I know Zeke.

  • - It's like why have super young balls,

  • only to have image ruined by ancient penis.

  • - Zeke, okay, I get it, honestly,

  • I just wish he's snap out of it and go back

  • to the son we all like.

  • - And from straight on, just stay with me here,

  • young, fresh balls would be so hard to appreciate

  • beyond overhang of antique penis.

  • - Zeke, I get it.

  • - Why don't they dig the new me?

  • - Maybe because it's not the real you?

  • - Whoa, what are you doing up there?

  • - Well it is a Wednesday evening and I always do

  • my inverted abdominal workout.

  • Minimizes workout time while it maximizes the effect.

  • - Oh, just like rule number,

  • - Just like nothing boy, let me ask you a question.

  • Why'd you saw the unicorns horn off?

  • - To send a sweet pic to the boys?

  • - Other than that?

  • - 'cause you can make money off it.

  • - And why can you make money off a unicorn horn?

  • - 'cause there's only one unicorn in all of Triple Earth?

  • - So the unicorn is valuable because it's unique?

  • - Yeah, I guess, maybe?

  • - Then why are you trying to be another blank-faced soldier

  • in Rocko's army of imbeciles?

  • Now I used to know a boy who lived at the end of this hall,

  • who was one of the most unique, stubborn, funny, (beeps) up

  • unicorns I ever met.

  • And I liked that boy, be a shame if I never saw him again.

  • (groans)

  • (sad music)

  • - [Tv] Throw the old you away, buy the glasses,

  • smack your way to success, take it all, buy the glasses,

  • don't forget to buy the shadow booklet

  • with up to 20 extra rules, including rule number 35,

  • throw your friends and family away, do it alone,

  • always carry nun chucks, you never know.

  • Rule number 37, buy the (beeps) glasses.

  • (soft music)

  • - Hey guys, sorry I was being such a troll dong,

  • is there any room on this quest for a paladin

  • with plus 12 regret for being mean to his friends?

  • (laughs)

  • - Of course, join the feast, the village decided

  • to cook the unicorn to celebrate death of Chill-bro.

  • - You know they say unicorn meat

  • is the sweetest in existence.

  • - Why I hunger so, I could've consumed a horse,

  • or horned equivalent.

  • (laughs)

  • - Glad to have you back son.

  • By the way, that guy Rock O Flash,

  • turns out he's a bestiality pedofile.

  • (dramatic music)

  • (laughs)

  • He's a puppet (beeps)

  • (funky music)

  • - [Man] Sweet.

  • (upbeat music)

- Stop sitting in front of your computer

Subtitles and keywords

B2 H-INT US chill bro unicorn rule son zeke

crazy guys

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