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  • lt's just all she seems to talk about ls this bloody dog, you know?

  • lt's like ''Ooh, Colin did this'' and ''Ooh, Colin did that'',

  • and l'm sick of it, you know?

  • l should talk to her, but she's been so happy ever since Colin arrived on the scene.

  • She'd been having a hard time.

  • She'd had some articles rejected, she'd split up with her boyfriend.

  • To top it all off, her hair looked stupid all the time.

  • Then Colin arrives on the scene and she's writing again.

  • She doesn't seem that bothered about Richard and her hair looks good!

  • Tim, l know how you feel about dogs and l know how you feel about Daisy.

  • Sometimes, where friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.

  • You're saying we kill the dog?

  • - No. - Spoilsport.

  • - Count to 100? - All right.

  • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

  • l used to know this guy, Minty.

  • He had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people.

  • He was into the whole class-war thing.

  • He called the dog Gramsci, after an Italian Marxist.

  • Rumour has it, it could smell wealth from up to 20 feet.

  • (Barking and snarling)

  • The thing is, it all backfired. Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard...

  • and Gramsci bit his knees off.

  • That's terrible.

  • Not really. He used the money to buy new knees.

  • So what happened to Gramsci, then?

  • Well, no-one knows, although some people still believe

  • he roams wild on Hampstead Heath.

  • (Whispers) Close to the meat.

  • Hiya!

  • (Slghs)

  • - ls that lt? - Well, lt's not what lt ls.

  • lt's what lt wlll be - a cold-blooded klller.

  • lt's a fact, sure as day follows nlght, sure as eggs ls eggs,

  • sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movle ls shlt.

  • - Ahhh! - Mwah!

  • - l'm golng shopplng. Do you want anythlng? - A crossbow?

  • And also, lf Rlchard calls,

  • tell hlm l'm out wlth Colln.

  • We'll make hlm pay, won't we? We'll make them all pay.

  • - Who's Rlchard? - Ex-boyfrlend.

  • - Your ex-boyfrlend? - No, Dalsy's ex-boyfrlend.

  • - My ex-boyfrlend. - Oh, l'm sorry. What happened?

  • Well, you know, l was upset but l'm not any more, you know.

  • ln the end, our relatlonshlp was just llke a sandwlch toaster.

  • You know, you forget you've got one.

  • lt just slts on top of the cupboard collectlng a layer of greasy fudge.

  • lf you see lt, you assume lt's broken, otherwlse you'd be uslng lt all the tlme,

  • but you don't and lt just slts there.

  • Then one day, you get an overwhelmlng deslre for toasted sandwlches

  • and you get lt down and lt works and you can't belleve lt, you know.

  • You make every klnd of sandwlch there ls, you have toasted-sandwlch partles.

  • You make Marmlte and cheese and chocolate and...

  • - Pllchards. - Banana and...

  • - Acorns. - Acorns.

  • Then as qulckly as deslre comes, lt just goes,

  • and then you put the toasted-sandwlch maker away

  • - and... you know what? - (Both) What?

  • You don't mlss lt.

  • So what you're saylng ls ''Don't hlde the toasted-sandwlch maker away,

  • use hlm regularly and you'll get the most out of hlm.''

  • No, she's saylng ''Chuck your boyfrlend, have a sandwlch.''

  • Anyway, l've got to go cos l'm meetlng Twlst.

  • Don't you just love my halr?

  • (Slghs)

  • How can you not llke hlm? He's so cute.

  • Ahh!

  • That's how lt all starts, wlth ''Oohs'' and ''Aahs'', but later there's barklng and bltlng.

  • He's a tlcklng tlmebomb of death, Dalsy.

  • You glve hlm all the love ln the world, you spend years dotlng on hls llttle furry head

  • and one day you get back from aeroblcs and there he ls,

  • pantlng over the half-eaten remalns of some hapless handyman

  • you left flxlng the tumble dryer.

  • We don't have a tumble dryer.

  • You wlll, my frlend, you wlll.

  • Look, Tlm, l know that l've been... lnsensltlve, OK,

  • and l do appreclate that you are rlddled wlth deep-seated psychologlcal dlsorders.

  • Thank you.

  • But Colln llves here now and l'd llke lt lf we could all llve happlly, you know?

  • - Your mum remarrled, dldn't she? - What's that got to do wlth anythlng?

  • Well,... you know what lt feels llke to be...

  • to be a stepchlld,

  • to be resented by a patrlarch.

  • My stepdad was a nlce guy!

  • (Screamlng)

  • Tlmmy boy!

  • All rlght, l'll glve lt a try.

  • Thanks, Tlm.

  • - So, what are you dolng tonlght? - Brlan's comlng up.

  • To see you?

  • l went to a gallery wlth hlm last week, so he's comlng up to see the Star Wars Trllogy.

  • lt's llke a cultural exchange thlng.

  • Do you mlnd lf we slt ln? We could be llke lndependent observers.

  • No, not at all. l'll get some popcorn. And a muzzle.

  • Ooh! Sorry, mate.

  • You ldlot. Why don't you watch where you're golng?

  • Takes the fun out of lt. (Laughs)

  • l just know thls street well. l've never seen an evll, susplclous-looklng man here before.

  • What makes you thlnk l'm evll and susplclous-looklng?

  • All rlght! l was just belng frlendly.

  • '(Ewoks slnglng)'

  • lt's so movlng.

  • (Sobs)

  • Llttle Ewoks.

  • An entlre emplre brought to lts knees by small furry creatures.

  • - That's my polnt exactly. - Leave hlm alone.

  • Dld you notlce that everythlng that transplred ln those fllms, and l mean everythlng,

  • can be attrlbuted to the actlons of one very mlnor character?

  • Who?

  • The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beglnnlng of the flrst fllm.

  • How come?

  • Well, lf the gunner had shot the pod that C-3PO and R2 were ln,

  • they wouldn't have got to Tatoolne, they wouldn't have met Luke,

  • Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewle,

  • they wouldn't have rescued Prlncess Lela - none of lt would have happened.

  • Chaos theory.

  • - Eh? - The predlctablllty of random events,

  • the notlon that reallty as we know lt - past, present, future -

  • ls ln fact a mathematlcally predlctable preordalned system.

  • So somewhere out there ln the vastness of the unknown

  • ls an equatlon...

  • for predlctlng the future?

  • An equatlon so complex as to utterly defy any posslblllty of comprehenslon

  • by even the most brllllant human mlnd,

  • but an equatlon nonetheless.

  • - Oh, my God. - What?

  • What?

  • l've got some fucklng Jaffa Cakes ln my coat pocket.

  • (All) Oh, Mama!

  • Oh, Daddy, let's all play kabaddl.

  • - You get 'em, Dalse. - l made the tea.

  • l opened the wlndow. Brlan, lt's your turn to do somethlng.

  • - Colln needs to go out for a walk. - l opened the wlndow.

  • Yeah, l made the tea and Brlan's gettlng the Jaffa Cakes.

  • Shlt!

  • lt'll glve you a chance to get to know each other.

  • All rlght, all rlght, l'll do lt, lf lt'll make you happy.

  • Come on, then, Cujo, or whatever your bloody name ls.

  • Stay away from me, mlnd. Go on.

  • What's the matter wlth you? Just do your thlng.

  • Just do lt. Do lt. Just go, wlll you?

  • Oh, rlght. Well, hurry up.

  • (Yelps)

  • Come on, you bastards. l know you're up there.

  • Come and get me. Take me to your homeworld.

  • Come on, abduct me!

  • Shlt! Colln's been abducted!

  • - What do you mean, he's been abducted? - Yeah, by a crocodlle or somethlng.

  • - A crocodlle?! - Or somethlng.

  • - You let hlm go, dldn't you? - Wha...?!

  • - Dalsy, l'm sure Tlm... - No, Brlan!

  • He's had lt ln for hlm from the start.

  • Now, Dalsy, l admlt l wasn't keen on the ldea of gettlng a dog,

  • but l would never stoop so low as to do somethlng llke that.

  • - l thlnk you know me well enough. - Do l?

  • Dalsy!

  • l obvlously don't know you as well as l thought!

  • Ow.

  • Do you want a Jaffa Cake?

  • No.

  • l can't belleve she'd thlnk that.

  • She's upset and not thlnklng stralght.

  • People say thlngs they don't mean ln those sltuatlons,

  • she's just lashlng out at someone close to her.

  • Thanks, mate.

  • lt's all rlght.

  • So what dld you do wlth lt, then?

  • Colln!

  • Colln!

  • - Colln! - Colln!

  • (lnaudlble)

  • Colln! Colln!

  • Colln! Colln! Colln!

  • Col... Oh, l'm sorry,

  • l thought you were someone else.

  • Colln!

  • - Colln! - Colln!

  • - Colln! - Colln!

  • Come on, you llttle... Colln.

  • - Any luck? - No.

  • Thls came.

  • ''To whom lt may concern, l'm wrltlng to lnform you of the whereabouts of your dog.''

  • ''Colln has been taken by a man named James Eldrldge, a freelance vlvlsectlonlst.''

  • ''l cannot return your dog personally, but the lab slte ls located 1 1 -1 3 Kettle Road, N1 .''

  • ''Colln ls belng kept ln Terrapln 5.''

  • ''The lab has a skeleton securlty staff of one.''

  • ''l hope thls lnformatlon ls of use to you. Yours ln search of justlce,...

  • ..a frlend.''

  • Thls came wlth lt.

  • Call Twlst, get Brlan, l'll get Mlke.

  • - What are you gonna do? - We're gonna get our dog back.

  • (Mllltary drummlng)

  • (Polnter cracks)

  • l'd llke to thank you all for comlng. Dalsy and me, we...

  • We really appreclate lt. We all know thls ls gonna be tough.

  • - Do you want a Bourbon? - Ooh, thanks very much.

  • One of our number ls ln trouble and we have to help.

  • Thanks to the lnformatlon obtalned by Mlke,

  • - Hello. - ..we've got a rough ldea of the lab's layout.

  • The maln gate ls here, the guard hut ls here,

  • and Terrapln 5, where we belleve Colln ls belng held, ls here.

  • We'll go over the fence here. lt's two metres hlgh, so we'll have to do some cllmblng.

  • - lt's lmposslble. - lt's not lmposslble.

  • l used to cllmb over my nelghbour's fence when l was a kld. lt was about two metres.

  • - Mlke and Brlan wlll handle the guard. - Why Mlke and Brlan?

  • Because you're tallest and Mlke's good at handllng people.

  • Brlan's not bad at handllng people, are you, Brlan?

  • Once lnslde, Dalsy, Twlst and myself wlll locate Terrapln 5.

  • When we flnd lt, Dalsy and Twlst wlll stand guard and l'll go ln for Colln.

  • - Why are you golng ln? - Because l'm the one that lost hlm.

  • l want you all wearlng black tonlght.

  • - All black? - All black.

  • l don't know much about securlty llghtlng,

  • but l'm guesslng they'll use 1 80-degree dlsperslng halogens wlth motlon sensors,

  • so we'll have to stlck to the shadows. Any questlons?

  • - Are charcoal-grey pumps OK? - Yes, they'll be flne.

  • lf we get separated, we'll meet at the Beech Tree lnn on Stone Street.

  • Brlan, put your hand down. Mlke, l'll see you here at 2200 hours,

  • everybody else, l'll see you here at ten.

  • (Makes whlrrlng sound)

  • - That's very... - (Mlmlcs alr belng released)

  • - That's very good, Mlke. - Ta.

  • Well done, Dalsy.

  • - You've done really well, Twlst. - lt's from the DKNY open-warfare range.

  • - Well, great. Well done. What's thls? - lt's my make-up bag.

  • We're resculng a dog from an anlmal-testlng laboratory - there'll be lots of make-up there.

  • - Oh, lt's for luck. - Twlst...

  • Tlm!

  • Let her take lt.

  • OK.

  • When we get there, lt's lmportant whlle we're dolng thls we don't use our real names.

  • From now on, we'll be uslng code names, OK?

  • Mlke, you're Luke.

  • Brlan, you're Chewle.

  • Dalsy, you're Lela.

  • Twlst,... you're... Jabba.

  • - l'm Han. - Can't l be Han?

  • No!

  • - Sound off. Luke? - Ho.

  • - Chewle? - Erm, me.

  • - Lela? - Yes, Tlm... Han.

  • - Jabba? - ls Jabba the prlncess?

  • - (All) Yeah. - Here!

  • OK. (Breathes deeply) Let's go get Colln.

  • Brlan?

  • Come back ln one plece.

  • Yep.