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  • I... I can't believe it.

  • Listen, Richard, we had a great time.

  • Maybe I even loved you but times change.

  • I've got to think about me, about my life.

  • The Guardian want me to write this pop column.

  • I'm going to Fuji to interview the Fugees, Maui for Bowie, Malaga for the Gallaghers.

  • I'm going to be meeting new people.

  • 'I just don't think I'll have time for you.'

  • I'm sorry but I think this is best for both of us.

  • 'In the long run you'll thank me.'

  • 'I'm meeting loads of new people and that doesn't leave any room in my life for you.'

  • 'It's over, Daisy.'

  • It's over... I can't...

  • I can't believe it.

  • Rich has finished with me.

  • It's hardly surprising. You were getting off with people behind his back.

  • How come he finished with you ?

  • Cos I was getting off with people behind his back.

  • - How did he find out ? - Well, I told him. Y'know...

  • You... You told me to tell him.

  • You said it would clear the air, you know.

  • Strengthen our relationship.

  • - I didn't mean it ! - Oh, you're evil.

  • I'm not the deceiver here. I'm not the cheating harpy !

  • You're so damaged.

  • Just cos Sarah hurt you, you're wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.

  • Yes.

  • Yes.

  • And I'd do it again, I tell you ! I'd do it again in an instant !

  • Sorry. Sorry. So, um,...

  • Are you OK ?

  • Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, I s'pose. I mean...

  • It was inevitable really. Neither of us were giving it the time it deserved.

  • It was... It was my fault.

  • I just... I feel...

  • - Tim ! - What ? You said you were fine.

  • Brian ?

  • Brian ?

  • Brian ?

  • Er, no ! Johnny !

  • Agh ! Er...

  • Oh... !

  • Help me, I'm stuck.

  • "Why should I ?" this, "Why should I ?" that !

  • Why don't you start taking some responsibility in your life ?

  • Leave me alone !

  • Don't think I'm going to tidy it ! It'll remain in that state till you return !

  • That's if you return. Quite frankly, I don't give two shits if you come back or not !

  • Ooh ! Hello, kitten. Fancy a dab of Rioja ?

  • Oh, just a splash.

  • - Can I borrow a tea bag ? - Only if you bring it back.

  • You can have a tea bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.

  • What are you playing ?

  • Tomb Raider III.

  • She's drowning.

  • Yeah.

  • - Is that the point of the game ? - Depends what mood you're in, really.

  • What sort of mood you in, then ?

  • Well, I just got a letter from my ex-girlfriend, three months late,

  • explaining why she dumped me.

  • It was full of "You'll always be special" and "I'll always love you" platitudes

  • designed to make me feel better while appeasing her sense of guilt

  • for running off with a slimy City boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything.

  • - So it didn't really work, then ? - No, it made me wanna drown things !

  • You've got some paint on you.

  • It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt.

  • - Did he like it ? - He's dead.

  • Bloody hell, that really backfired.

  • Tell me all about it, kitten.

  • Split up with my boyfriend.

  • Oh, well,... I can't say I'm surprised.

  • I heard Tim shouting at you a couple of nights ago, I was shocked.

  • - What ? - "You stupid cow." Something about a key.

  • "You can't shoot straight, you big-titted bitch."

  • No... No, no, that was Lara Croft.

  • - Well, it sounded like Tim. - No, it was Tim.

  • He was talking to Lara Croft, a video-game character. He gets very frustrated.

  • Is that what the problem was ?

  • - What do you mean ? - Is that why you split, he's got no patience ?

  • Shit !

  • "If we pretend we're a couple, this flat could be ours."

  • "It's madness ! It'll never work !"

  • "Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out."

  • Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out.

  • Shut up !

  • Think ! Think, think !

  • Think. I'm thinking...

  • Could Tim and I, could we have... Could we have...

  • There, right in front of you !

  • - a plate ? - Dog !

  • - A dog ! - Yeah, good one( !)

  • - A dog ? - A dog. A dog,

  • Cos... if we had a dog,

  • then it would help us stay together because it would be like having a child,

  • only hairier, smaller, wilder, quicker, smellier.

  • I don't see why not.

  • Well,... good. I've always wanted a dog actually.

  • All right, mate, yeah. No, I'm really looking forward to it.

  • We're going to kick some serious ass, mofo.

  • Yeah, all right, I'll see you later. Over and out.

  • Who was that ?

  • It was Mike. We're going paintballing later.

  • - I thought he was banned ? - No, only for six months.

  • How does that poor accountant feel about it ?

  • I dunno.

  • - What you doing ? ! - Marsha says that we can have a dog.

  • - What ? ! - We can have a dog ! Isn't that great ?

  • Stop it ! What d'you want a dog for, you'll only end up seeing other dogs on the side ?

  • Don't you want to get a dog ?

  • - No. - Why not ? What are you frightened of ?

  • I'm not frightened of anything, why would I be frightened ?

  • (Roobarb and Custard Theme)

  • You're scared of them, aren't you ?

  • - No. - Yes, you are.

  • All right, I had a minor phobia when I was a kid.

  • - How minor ? - I had to have counselling.

  • Really ? Sorry.

  • She said I had canophobia. I thought "Great, now I'm frightened of bamboo too."

  • - How many times did you go ? - Three or four.

  • It started to work, you know.

  • She said I had as much chance of being struck by lightning

  • as I had of being bitten by a dog.

  • So... what's the problem ?

  • Well, I was leaving the practice one day, feeling really well-adjusted and happy,

  • and this fucking great Alsatian came haring down the road towards me,

  • jaws slung with bloody slaver, eyes lit by the fires of Hades' eternal damned kingdom.

  • It leapt into the air,

  • I remember thinking "This is it, I'm seven years old and this is the end."

  • Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling at me that day.

  • - What happened ? - I got struck by lightning.

  • - What ? ! - It hurt but it scared the shit out of the dog.

  • - Now you're scared of dogs and lightning ? - And bamboo.

  • It's funny, really.

  • I always really wanted a dog when I was... little.

  • But I wasn't allowed one.

  • Really ?

  • Play with me !

  • Oh, please play with me, please !

  • I don't know, Daisy.

  • Look, I know I've sprung this on you, you know ?

  • If you don't like it, I'll understand. But...

  • I really need this, you know ?

  • I mean,... I'll do everything for it, you know ?

  • I'll feed it and I'll walk it and I'II... I'll change its little hutch.

  • And if you still don't like it, then, well,...

  • we'll kill it.

  • - All right. - Wahoo !

  • - But not a big one. - All right. Sorry !

  • Sorry, sorry. It could be good for you, it could be the turning point.

  • It might help you conquer your fear.

  • Stop trying to get your own way

  • by turning everything into a psychodrama that somehow benefits me, OK ?

  • I am my own person. I will deal with my problems in whatever way I see fit.

  • Aagghh ! Get away from me !

  • ? Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails

  • ? Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails

  • I can't believe you brought me here.

  • - It's great, isn't it ? - It smells.

  • - Twist ! - It smells,

  • - Hi ! - Hello.

  • I'm Daisy Steiner, this is my friend, Twist.

  • - Twist. - Mm. My parents were hippies.

  • I see. What can I do for you ?

  • - We'd like to buy a dog. - You'd like to buy a dog.

  • Yes, I'd like to buy a dog.

  • Yes, erm... there.

  • Have you owned a dog before ?

  • Mm,... sort of.

  • Sort of ?

  • (Animal Magic Theme)

  • Come on, boy !

  • No.

  • Now, I want you to think very carefully before you choose a dog.

  • Can I afford to keep it ? Will I be able to take it for walks twice a day, if not more ?

  • Can I give it a secure, loving home ?

  • Um,...

  • yes.

  • OK, number one, don't eat the paintballs.

  • Number two, this is just a game.

  • If you take it too seriously, you're only gonna be hurting yourself.

  • It's not war,

  • it's just an exercise in teamwork and tactics.

  • You go too far, you will get banned.

  • Eh !

  • Groovy !

  • Shit.

  • He's been with us a while now.

  • It's his last day here.

  • Why, somebody bought him ?

  • Dogs only stay with us for a limited period.

  • - Where do they go after that ? - Heaven ?

  • A gay club ? !

  • No, Miss Steiner. We put them down.

  • All of them.

  • No !

  • No ! No ! No !

  • Come on, Colin, we're taking you away from this place !

  • - Colin ? - That's what I called my box.

  • Hi, Dom, yeah. This is Duane Benzie.

  • This is Duane Benzie. How you doing ?

  • (Baywatch Theme)

  • Tim, your girlfriend's very beautiful.

  • (Psycho Theme)

  • Tim, hi. I didn't expect to see you here.

  • You never struck me as the outdoor type.

  • What ?

  • That reminds me. You left some stuff at the flat.

  • Well, I think it's your stuff.

  • The bag was full of comics and toys.

  • I was thinking maybe I'd drop it round in the car, save you the trip.

  • You stole my girlfriend.

  • Tim, now come on.

  • I didn't want it to be like this.

  • It wasn't meant to be personal. You don't choose who you fall in love with.

  • When you get that feeling, it's like...

  • - Sexual. - Like a force beyond your control.

  • You know what they say about love and war ?

  • Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.

  • Talking of which, what team are you on, A or B ?

  • Er, we're B.

  • Me too. Looks like we'll be fighting side by side.

  • Who knows, maybe that's what we need.

  • Later.

  • I've rehearsed that moment a thousand times.

  • - Is that the first time you've seen him since... - Yes.

  • I think I was pretty cool.

  • I could have flown off the handle, smashed his face in, set fire to him, but I didn't.

  • - What will you do when you see him next ? - I'm gonna set fire to him.

  • Hello ! Hello ! Hello !

  • Ahh ! Now, you stay there ! You stay there !

  • Mummy's going to make a cup of tea.

  • Ahh ! We're gonna be best friends. We're gonna have such fun.

  • Ahh ! Do you want something to eat ? - Yes, please.

  • Where is it, then ?

  • The little dog ?

  • The bandanna, isn't it ? It makes me look stupid.

  • - Ahh ! - Do you want me to take it off ?

  • - C-Colin. - No, Daisy, it's Brian.

  • I think you're sitting on my dog.

  • Oh, my God.

  • Look, I'll count to three...

  • and then stand up.

  • - OK ? - I can't watch.

  • One,...

  • two,...

  • three.

  • Go ! Go ! Go !

  • - The flag's to the northwest. - How do you know ?

  • I've just seen it.

  • - Oh, this is so exciting ! - Is this your first time, kid ?

  • - I'm 36. - Is this your first time, old man ?

  • Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.

  • - I've always fancied myself. - I've always fancied you.