Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles I... I can't believe it. Listen, Richard, we had a great time. Maybe I even loved you but times change. I've got to think about me, about my life. The Guardian want me to write this pop column. I'm going to Fuji to interview the Fugees, Maui for Bowie, Malaga for the Gallaghers. I'm going to be meeting new people. 'I just don't think I'll have time for you.' I'm sorry but I think this is best for both of us. 'In the long run you'll thank me.' 'I'm meeting loads of new people and that doesn't leave any room in my life for you.' 'It's over, Daisy.' It's over... I can't... I can't believe it. Rich has finished with me. It's hardly surprising. You were getting off with people behind his back. How come he finished with you ? Cos I was getting off with people behind his back. - How did he find out ? - Well, I told him. Y'know... You... You told me to tell him. You said it would clear the air, you know. Strengthen our relationship. - I didn't mean it ! - Oh, you're evil. I'm not the deceiver here. I'm not the cheating harpy ! You're so damaged. Just cos Sarah hurt you, you're wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind. Yes. Yes. And I'd do it again, I tell you ! I'd do it again in an instant ! Sorry. Sorry. So, um,... Are you OK ? Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, I s'pose. I mean... It was inevitable really. Neither of us were giving it the time it deserved. It was... It was my fault. I just... I feel... - Tim ! - What ? You said you were fine. Brian ? Brian ? Brian ? Er, no ! Johnny ! Agh ! Er... Oh... ! Help me, I'm stuck. "Why should I ?" this, "Why should I ?" that ! Why don't you start taking some responsibility in your life ? Leave me alone ! Don't think I'm going to tidy it ! It'll remain in that state till you return ! That's if you return. Quite frankly, I don't give two shits if you come back or not ! Ooh ! Hello, kitten. Fancy a dab of Rioja ? Oh, just a splash. - Can I borrow a tea bag ? - Only if you bring it back. You can have a tea bag, Brian, you can't borrow one. What are you playing ? Tomb Raider III. She's drowning. Yeah. - Is that the point of the game ? - Depends what mood you're in, really. What sort of mood you in, then ? Well, I just got a letter from my ex-girlfriend, three months late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of "You'll always be special" and "I'll always love you" platitudes designed to make me feel better while appeasing her sense of guilt for running off with a slimy City boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything. - So it didn't really work, then ? - No, it made me wanna drown things ! You've got some paint on you. It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt. - Did he like it ? - He's dead. Bloody hell, that really backfired. Tell me all about it, kitten. Split up with my boyfriend. Oh, well,... I can't say I'm surprised. I heard Tim shouting at you a couple of nights ago, I was shocked. - What ? - "You stupid cow." Something about a key. "You can't shoot straight, you big-titted bitch." No... No, no, that was Lara Croft. - Well, it sounded like Tim. - No, it was Tim. He was talking to Lara Croft, a video-game character. He gets very frustrated. Is that what the problem was ? - What do you mean ? - Is that why you split, he's got no patience ? Shit ! "If we pretend we're a couple, this flat could be ours." "It's madness ! It'll never work !" "Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out." Trust me, Tim, she'll never find out. Shut up ! Think ! Think, think ! Think. I'm thinking... Could Tim and I, could we have... Could we have... There, right in front of you ! - a plate ? - Dog ! - A dog ! - Yeah, good one( !) - A dog ? - A dog. A dog, Cos... if we had a dog, then it would help us stay together because it would be like having a child, only hairier, smaller, wilder, quicker, smellier. I don't see why not. Well,... good. I've always wanted a dog actually. All right, mate, yeah. No, I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to kick some serious ass, mofo. Yeah, all right, I'll see you later. Over and out. Who was that ? It was Mike. We're going paintballing later. - I thought he was banned ? - No, only for six months. How does that poor accountant feel about it ? I dunno. - What you doing ? ! - Marsha says that we can have a dog. - What ? ! - We can have a dog ! Isn't that great ? Stop it ! What d'you want a dog for, you'll only end up seeing other dogs on the side ? Don't you want to get a dog ? - No. - Why not ? What are you frightened of ? I'm not frightened of anything, why would I be frightened ? (Roobarb and Custard Theme) You're scared of them, aren't you ? - No. - Yes, you are. All right, I had a minor phobia when I was a kid. - How minor ? - I had to have counselling. Really ? Sorry. She said I had canophobia. I thought "Great, now I'm frightened of bamboo too." - How many times did you go ? - Three or four. It started to work, you know. She said I had as much chance of being struck by lightning as I had of being bitten by a dog. So... what's the problem ? Well, I was leaving the practice one day, feeling really well-adjusted and happy, and this fucking great Alsatian came haring down the road towards me, jaws slung with bloody slaver, eyes lit by the fires of Hades' eternal damned kingdom. It leapt into the air, I remember thinking "This is it, I'm seven years old and this is the end." Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling at me that day. - What happened ? - I got struck by lightning. - What ? ! - It hurt but it scared the shit out of the dog. - Now you're scared of dogs and lightning ? - And bamboo. It's funny, really. I always really wanted a dog when I was... little. But I wasn't allowed one. Really ? Play with me ! Oh, please play with me, please ! I don't know, Daisy. Look, I know I've sprung this on you, you know ? If you don't like it, I'll understand. But... I really need this, you know ? I mean,... I'll do everything for it, you know ? I'll feed it and I'll walk it and I'II... I'll change its little hutch. And if you still don't like it, then, well,... we'll kill it. - All right. - Wahoo ! - But not a big one. - All right. Sorry ! Sorry, sorry. It could be good for you, it could be the turning point. It might help you conquer your fear. Stop trying to get your own way by turning everything into a psychodrama that somehow benefits me, OK ? I am my own person. I will deal with my problems in whatever way I see fit. Aagghh ! Get away from me ! ? Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails ? Heads and tails, heads and tails, heads and tails I can't believe you brought me here. - It's great, isn't it ? - It smells. - Twist ! - It smells, - Hi ! - Hello. I'm Daisy Steiner, this is my friend, Twist. - Twist. - Mm. My parents were hippies. I see. What can I do for you ? - We'd like to buy a dog. - You'd like to buy a dog. Yes, I'd like to buy a dog. Yes, erm... there. Have you owned a dog before ? Mm,... sort of. Sort of ? (Animal Magic Theme) Come on, boy ! No. Now, I want you to think very carefully before you choose a dog. Can I afford to keep it ? Will I be able to take it for walks twice a day, if not more ? Can I give it a secure, loving home ? Um,... yes. OK, number one, don't eat the paintballs. Number two, this is just a game. If you take it too seriously, you're only gonna be hurting yourself. It's not war, it's just an exercise in teamwork and tactics. You go too far, you will get banned. Eh ! Groovy ! Shit. He's been with us a while now. It's his last day here. Why, somebody bought him ? Dogs only stay with us for a limited period. - Where do they go after that ? - Heaven ? A gay club ? ! No, Miss Steiner. We put them down. All of them. No ! No ! No ! No ! Come on, Colin, we're taking you away from this place ! - Colin ? - That's what I called my box. Hi, Dom, yeah. This is Duane Benzie. This is Duane Benzie. How you doing ? (Baywatch Theme) Tim, your girlfriend's very beautiful. (Psycho Theme) Tim, hi. I didn't expect to see you here. You never struck me as the outdoor type. What ? That reminds me. You left some stuff at the flat. Well, I think it's your stuff. The bag was full of comics and toys. I was thinking maybe I'd drop it round in the car, save you the trip. You stole my girlfriend. Tim, now come on. I didn't want it to be like this. It wasn't meant to be personal. You don't choose who you fall in love with. When you get that feeling, it's like... - Sexual. - Like a force beyond your control. You know what they say about love and war ? Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war. Talking of which, what team are you on, A or B ? Er, we're B. Me too. Looks like we'll be fighting side by side. Who knows, maybe that's what we need. Later. I've rehearsed that moment a thousand times. - Is that the first time you've seen him since... - Yes. I think I was pretty cool. I could have flown off the handle, smashed his face in, set fire to him, but I didn't. - What will you do when you see him next ? - I'm gonna set fire to him. Hello ! Hello ! Hello ! Ahh ! Now, you stay there ! You stay there ! Mummy's going to make a cup of tea. Ahh ! We're gonna be best friends. We're gonna have such fun. Ahh ! Do you want something to eat ? - Yes, please. Where is it, then ? The little dog ? The bandanna, isn't it ? It makes me look stupid. - Ahh ! - Do you want me to take it off ? - C-Colin. - No, Daisy, it's Brian. I think you're sitting on my dog. Oh, my God. Look, I'll count to three... and then stand up. - OK ? - I can't watch. One,... two,... three. Go ! Go ! Go ! - The flag's to the northwest. - How do you know ? I've just seen it. - Oh, this is so exciting ! - Is this your first time, kid ? - I'm 36. - Is this your first time, old man ? Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier. - I've always fancied myself. - I've always fancied you.