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  • THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON A,

  • AGAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF WALL TO

  • WALL DRAMA HERE.

  • THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT

  • THERE'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO WRAP

  • WERE YOUR HEAD AROUND.

  • LAST NIGHT, AS YOU PROBABLY

  • KNOW, THE PRESIDENT INTERRUPTED

  • PRIME TIME TELEVISION TO READ A

  • SPEECH FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, TO

  • WARN US ABOUT MEXICANS, AS IF

  • THEY'RE A MIGRATION OF KILLER

  • BEES SWARMING AFTER US.

  • THE SPEECH I THINK WAS INTENDED

  • TO CONVINCE US THAT WE HAVE A

  • CRISIS AT THE BORDER.

  • HE'S MARRIED TO ONE AND REFUSES

  • TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

  • THIS WAS NOT AN INSPIRED SPEECH.

  • IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GIVING IT

  • AT GUN POINT.

  • AND HE WAS SNIFFLING.

  • I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE FORGOT TO

  • TAKE HIS ALLERGY MEDICATION.

  • >> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM

  • CONGESTION?

  • UNCONTROLLABLE PERSISTENT

  • SNIFFLING?

  • FINALLY, THERE IS HOPE,

  • WALLEGRA, FOR BORDER-NEGOTIATING

  • RELATED DELUSIONS.

  • ASK YOUR INDICTED CAMPAIGN

  • MANAGER IF WALLEGRA IS RIGHT FOR

  • YOU.

  • IT MAY CAUSE A SUDDEN INABILITY

  • TO USE NUMBERS AND FACTS.

  • WALLEGRA, SHUT DOWN THE

  • GOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR SINUSES.

  • >> AVAILABLE AT BORDER

  • WALGREENS.

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • >> Jimmy: IT WAS A VERY DRIPPY

  • SPEECH, NASAL AND OTHERWISE, BUT

  • TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY LEADER WHO

  • CAME OFF BADLY.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO'S VIEADVISING

  • THEM.

  • BUT AS BAD AS TRUMP'S

  • PRESENTATION WAS, THE REBUTTAL

  • FROM CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY

  • PELOSI MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

  • >> GOOD EVENING.

  • I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO

  • TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

  • ABOUT HOW WE CAN END THIS

  • SHUTDOWN.

  • >> OBVIOUSLY, THEY SUBSCRIBE TO

  • NETFLIX.

  • THEY LOOK LIKE THE TRAILER FOR

  • "GET OUT TWO."

  • TWO SCARY WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE

  • SECRET.

  • THE MAIN THING WAS TRUMP.

  • HE HAD BIGLY WHOPPER THE FOR US.

  • HE HAD MORE LIES.

  • TRUMP CLAIMED THE WALL, IF WE

  • BUILD IT, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

  • THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY WHO

  • EVER BANKRUPTED A CASINO SAYS

  • THE WALL WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

  • THEN TODAY, AFTER A SPEECH THAT

  • CHANGED EXACTLY NO ONE'S MIND,

  • THE PRESIDENT SAID ALL RIGHT,

  • I'M GOING TO MEET WITH THE

  • DEMOCRATS.

  • AND AS YOU READ, IT DID NOT GO

  • WELL.

  • JUST LEFT THE MEETING WITH CHUCK

  • AND FANCY.

  • A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

  • I ASKED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

  • IN 30 DAYS IN I QUICKLY OPEN

  • THINGS UP.

  • WILL YOU FUND THE WALL, NANCY

  • PELOSI SAID NO.

  • I SAID BYE-BYE.

  • HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO PIN IT

  • ON DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WAS

  • PROUD TO CLAIM IT FOR HIMSELF.

  • CABLE NEWS RUSHES OUT.

  • AND HERE'S CHUCK SCHUMER'S TAKE.

  • >> HE ASKED SPEAKER PELOSI IF

  • SHE WOULD FUND THE WALL, AND SHE

  • SAID NO.

  • AND HE SAID WE HAVE NOTHING TO

  • DISCUSS AND HE WALKED OUT.

  • AGAIN, WE SAW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

  • >> Jimmy: HE ALSO CLAIMED

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP SLAMMED THE

  • TABLE BUT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE

  • HAD A VERY DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE

  • ENCOUNTER.

  • >> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THE

  • PRESIDENT DID IN THE MEETING AND

  • ARE WE ANY CLOSER TO HAVING A

  • NATIONAL EMERGENCY DECLARED?

  • >> WELL, THE PRESIDENT WALKED

  • INTO THE ROOM AND PASSED OUT

  • CANDY.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • >> IT IS TRUE.

  • >> Jimmy: HE HANDED OUT

  • BUTTERFINGERS AND M&Ms.

  • I WONDER IF HE HANDS OUT THE

  • BROWN M&Ms OR IF HE STUFFS THOSE

  • BACK IN THE BAG.

  • BUT THE MORNING STARTED WITH A

  • PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT THE WALL,

  • THE PRESIDENT IS POINTING TO

  • OTHER COUNTRIES AS PROOF.

  • >> ISRAEL PUT UP A WALL, 99.9%

  • SUCCES

  • SUCCESSFUL ACCORDING TO BIBI

  • NETANYAHU.

  • HE TOLD ME 99.9.

  • MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE IT.

  • BUT THEY PUT UP A WALL, AND THEY

  • DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

  • >> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT, NEVER

  • HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN ISRAEL.

  • HERE'S THE THING, WALLS DON'T

  • STOP DRUGS FROM GETTING IN.

  • PRISONS HAVE WALLS, DRUGS GET

  • INTO PRISONS ALL THE TIME.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT WILL STOP PEOPLE

  • FROM GETTING ACROSS THE BORDER?

  • THE CUSTOMS AND DEA AGENTS.

  • THE PEOPLE DONALD TRUMP HASN'T

  • BEEN PAYING FOR THE LAST THREE

  • WEEKS.

  • ONE REPORTER JON KARL ASKED WHY

  • THEY DIDN'T JUST PAY THE

  • WORKERS.

  • >> WHY NOT SIGN THE BILL SO THE

  • WORKERS --

  • >> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO

  • THAT?

  • DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT,

  • JON?

  • >> IT'S NOT FOR ME.

  • >> NO, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU THINK I

  • SHOULD JUST SIGN?

  • TELL ME, TELL ME.

  • JON, YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST

  • SIGN?

  • >> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT,

  • THESE WORKERS CAN START GETTING

  • PAID.

  • >> IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION

  • YOU WOULD DO THAT.

  • >> I'M NOT IN YOUR POSITION.

  • >> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO

  • THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION,

  • BECAUSE IF WOULD YOU DO THAT,

  • YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN THIS

  • POSITION.

  • GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> Jimmy: IT WAS A FUN DAY.

  • THERE'S NO END TO THE SHUTDOWN

  • IN SIGHT UNLESS THEY LISTEN TO

  • ME.

  • I HAVE A PLAN TO END THE

  • SHUTDOWN TOMORROW, FOR REAL.

  • YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • I DON'T WANT TO SET THE

  • EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH, BUT, WE

  • ALL KNOW THE HOUSE ISN'T GOING

  • TO AUTHORIZE THE MONEY TO PAY

  • FOR THIS WALL.

  • IT'S A WASTE.

  • EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT

  • DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

  • HE PROMISED IT, BECAUSE HE

  • DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GOING TO

  • WIN.

  • HE MIGHT AS WELL PROMISE US ALL

  • JET PACKS.

  • HE TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR

  • HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUILD

  • IT, NOW THEY WANT IT BUILT.

  • HOW DOES HE GET OUT OF IT

  • WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE LOST.

  • WE PRETEND TO BUILD THE WALL.

  • TRUMPCARES SO

  • TRUMP CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT THE

  • WALL, HE MIGHT AS WELL START

  • CALLING IT ERIC.

  • AND TELL THE RED HAT CLUB THAT

  • THE WALL IS APPROVED, IT'S GOING

  • UP, WE FOUND A POT OF GOLD ON

  • THE TIJUANA BORDER, WE'RE USE

  • BEING THAT TO BUILD IT.

  • THERE'S NO REASON TO BE HONEST.

  • IF TRUMP TELLS HIS TRUMPERS THAT

  • THE WALL IS BEING BUILT, THEY'LL

  • BELIEVE IT.

  • ARE THEY GOING TO GO DOWN THERE

  • AND CHECK?

  • NO.

  • JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM IN A

  • HARD HAT.

  • HE CAN CUT THE RIBBON, A GROUP

  • OF ACTORS CAN COME IN AND START

  • DIGGING.

  • HE'S HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY AND

  • EVERYBODY CAN GO BACK TO WORK.

  • JUST MAYBE AT THE END OF ALL

  • THIS DONALD TRUMP WILL REALIZE

  • THAT THE WALL HE THOUGHT HE

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON A,

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