Subtitles section Play video
-
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON A,
-
AGAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF WALL TO
-
WALL DRAMA HERE.
-
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT
-
THERE'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO WRAP
-
WERE YOUR HEAD AROUND.
-
LAST NIGHT, AS YOU PROBABLY
-
KNOW, THE PRESIDENT INTERRUPTED
-
PRIME TIME TELEVISION TO READ A
-
SPEECH FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, TO
-
WARN US ABOUT MEXICANS, AS IF
-
THEY'RE A MIGRATION OF KILLER
-
BEES SWARMING AFTER US.
-
THE SPEECH I THINK WAS INTENDED
-
TO CONVINCE US THAT WE HAVE A
-
CRISIS AT THE BORDER.
-
HE'S MARRIED TO ONE AND REFUSES
-
TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
-
THIS WAS NOT AN INSPIRED SPEECH.
-
IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GIVING IT
-
AT GUN POINT.
-
AND HE WAS SNIFFLING.
-
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE FORGOT TO
-
TAKE HIS ALLERGY MEDICATION.
-
>> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM
-
CONGESTION?
-
UNCONTROLLABLE PERSISTENT
-
SNIFFLING?
-
FINALLY, THERE IS HOPE,
-
WALLEGRA, FOR BORDER-NEGOTIATING
-
RELATED DELUSIONS.
-
ASK YOUR INDICTED CAMPAIGN
-
MANAGER IF WALLEGRA IS RIGHT FOR
-
YOU.
-
IT MAY CAUSE A SUDDEN INABILITY
-
TO USE NUMBERS AND FACTS.
-
WALLEGRA, SHUT DOWN THE
-
GOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR SINUSES.
-
>> AVAILABLE AT BORDER
-
WALGREENS.
-
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
-
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A VERY DRIPPY
-
SPEECH, NASAL AND OTHERWISE, BUT
-
TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY LEADER WHO
-
CAME OFF BADLY.
-
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S VIEADVISING
-
THEM.
-
BUT AS BAD AS TRUMP'S
-
PRESENTATION WAS, THE REBUTTAL
-
FROM CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY
-
PELOSI MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
-
>> GOOD EVENING.
-
I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO
-
TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
-
ABOUT HOW WE CAN END THIS
-
SHUTDOWN.
-
>> OBVIOUSLY, THEY SUBSCRIBE TO
-
NETFLIX.
-
THEY LOOK LIKE THE TRAILER FOR
-
"GET OUT TWO."
-
TWO SCARY WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE
-
SECRET.
-
THE MAIN THING WAS TRUMP.
-
HE HAD BIGLY WHOPPER THE FOR US.
-
HE HAD MORE LIES.
-
TRUMP CLAIMED THE WALL, IF WE
-
BUILD IT, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.
-
THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY WHO
-
EVER BANKRUPTED A CASINO SAYS
-
THE WALL WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.
-
THEN TODAY, AFTER A SPEECH THAT
-
CHANGED EXACTLY NO ONE'S MIND,
-
THE PRESIDENT SAID ALL RIGHT,
-
I'M GOING TO MEET WITH THE
-
DEMOCRATS.
-
AND AS YOU READ, IT DID NOT GO
-
WELL.
-
JUST LEFT THE MEETING WITH CHUCK
-
AND FANCY.
-
A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.
-
I ASKED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN
-
IN 30 DAYS IN I QUICKLY OPEN
-
THINGS UP.
-
WILL YOU FUND THE WALL, NANCY
-
PELOSI SAID NO.
-
I SAID BYE-BYE.
-
HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO PIN IT
-
ON DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH
-
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WAS
-
PROUD TO CLAIM IT FOR HIMSELF.
-
CABLE NEWS RUSHES OUT.
-
AND HERE'S CHUCK SCHUMER'S TAKE.
-
>> HE ASKED SPEAKER PELOSI IF
-
SHE WOULD FUND THE WALL, AND SHE
-
SAID NO.
-
AND HE SAID WE HAVE NOTHING TO
-
DISCUSS AND HE WALKED OUT.
-
AGAIN, WE SAW A TEMPER TANTRUM.
-
>> Jimmy: HE ALSO CLAIMED
-
PRESIDENT TRUMP SLAMMED THE
-
TABLE BUT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE
-
HAD A VERY DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE
-
ENCOUNTER.
-
>> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THE
-
PRESIDENT DID IN THE MEETING AND
-
ARE WE ANY CLOSER TO HAVING A
-
NATIONAL EMERGENCY DECLARED?
-
>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT WALKED
-
INTO THE ROOM AND PASSED OUT
-
CANDY.
-
IT'S TRUE.
-
>> IT IS TRUE.
-
>> Jimmy: HE HANDED OUT
-
BUTTERFINGERS AND M&Ms.
-
I WONDER IF HE HANDS OUT THE
-
BROWN M&Ms OR IF HE STUFFS THOSE
-
BACK IN THE BAG.
-
BUT THE MORNING STARTED WITH A
-
PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT THE WALL,
-
THE PRESIDENT IS POINTING TO
-
OTHER COUNTRIES AS PROOF.
-
>> ISRAEL PUT UP A WALL, 99.9%
-
SUCCES
-
SUCCESSFUL ACCORDING TO BIBI
-
NETANYAHU.
-
HE TOLD ME 99.9.
-
MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE IT.
-
BUT THEY PUT UP A WALL, AND THEY
-
DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.
-
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT, NEVER
-
HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN ISRAEL.
-
HERE'S THE THING, WALLS DON'T
-
STOP DRUGS FROM GETTING IN.
-
PRISONS HAVE WALLS, DRUGS GET
-
INTO PRISONS ALL THE TIME.
-
YOU KNOW WHAT WILL STOP PEOPLE
-
FROM GETTING ACROSS THE BORDER?
-
THE CUSTOMS AND DEA AGENTS.
-
THE PEOPLE DONALD TRUMP HASN'T
-
BEEN PAYING FOR THE LAST THREE
-
WEEKS.
-
ONE REPORTER JON KARL ASKED WHY
-
THEY DIDN'T JUST PAY THE
-
WORKERS.
-
>> WHY NOT SIGN THE BILL SO THE
-
WORKERS --
-
>> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO
-
THAT?
-
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT,
-
JON?
-
>> IT'S NOT FOR ME.
-
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU THINK I
-
SHOULD JUST SIGN?
-
TELL ME, TELL ME.
-
JON, YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST
-
SIGN?
-
>> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT,
-
THESE WORKERS CAN START GETTING
-
PAID.
-
>> IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION
-
YOU WOULD DO THAT.
-
>> I'M NOT IN YOUR POSITION.
-
>> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO
-
THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION,
-
BECAUSE IF WOULD YOU DO THAT,
-
YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN THIS
-
POSITION.
-
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.
-
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
-
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A FUN DAY.
-
THERE'S NO END TO THE SHUTDOWN
-
IN SIGHT UNLESS THEY LISTEN TO
-
ME.
-
I HAVE A PLAN TO END THE
-
SHUTDOWN TOMORROW, FOR REAL.
-
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
-
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
-
I DON'T WANT TO SET THE
-
EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH, BUT, WE
-
ALL KNOW THE HOUSE ISN'T GOING
-
TO AUTHORIZE THE MONEY TO PAY
-
FOR THIS WALL.
-
IT'S A WASTE.
-
EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT
-
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
-
HE PROMISED IT, BECAUSE HE
-
DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GOING TO
-
WIN.
-
HE MIGHT AS WELL PROMISE US ALL
-
JET PACKS.
-
HE TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR
-
HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUILD
-
IT, NOW THEY WANT IT BUILT.
-
HOW DOES HE GET OUT OF IT
-
WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE LOST.
-
WE PRETEND TO BUILD THE WALL.
-
TRUMPCARES SO
-
TRUMP CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT THE
-
WALL, HE MIGHT AS WELL START
-
CALLING IT ERIC.
-
AND TELL THE RED HAT CLUB THAT
-
THE WALL IS APPROVED, IT'S GOING
-
UP, WE FOUND A POT OF GOLD ON
-
THE TIJUANA BORDER, WE'RE USE
-
BEING THAT TO BUILD IT.
-
THERE'S NO REASON TO BE HONEST.
-
IF TRUMP TELLS HIS TRUMPERS THAT
-
THE WALL IS BEING BUILT, THEY'LL
-
BELIEVE IT.
-
ARE THEY GOING TO GO DOWN THERE
-
AND CHECK?
-
NO.
-
JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM IN A
-
HARD HAT.
-
HE CAN CUT THE RIBBON, A GROUP
-
OF ACTORS CAN COME IN AND START
-
DIGGING.
-
HE'S HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY AND
-
EVERYBODY CAN GO BACK TO WORK.
-
JUST MAYBE AT THE END OF ALL
-
THIS DONALD TRUMP WILL REALIZE
-
THAT THE WALL HE THOUGHT HE