Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Oprah Winfrey has a superpower.

  • For over 30 years, people who speak to her have not been able to help but to open up,

  • sometimes crying, expressing joy, or just showing the most vulnerable parts of themselves.

  • That ability propelled Oprah to a net worth of four billion dollars not to mention

  • launching books to the top of the bestsellers list and Dr. Phil's television career.

  • So in this video, we are going to explore how and why

  • Oprah is the best connector that I have ever covered on this channel.

  • And you're gonna learn how to live so that people will naturally find themselves opening up and connecting with you.

  • First off, Oprah sets the stage to connect literally.

  • Unlike many other TV show hosts, she is famous for walking the aisles

  • of her studio audience and for sitting on the same couch as her guests.

  • Later on, she would actually go into their homes for intimate interviews.

  • Now, the lack of physical barriers such as a desk tends to make two people

  • feel more connected and that's why you are more likely to find a spark

  • on a first date if you sit adjacent to your date rather than being separated by a table.

  • And it's also why people who don't feel comfortable will subconsciously block

  • the other person by crossing their legs or by placing an object in between them.

  • In Oprah's case, the lack of barriers enables both a sense of being emotionally connected

  • as well as an opportunity to connect physically via touch.

  • [Audience cheering]

  • Oprah: Of course, I do. I'm so happy for you both. So this is a deal?

  • [Crying] I love you.

  • Oh. [Audience laughing]

  • You are so so, so, good.

  • [Crying] Thank you. [Audience laughs]

  • With Oprah, you're gonna see high-fives, hand squeezes, walking arm-in-arm, and hugs

  • but to really grasp how important touch is to her style of communication, you have to see it in context.

  • Now, I can't show all of this next clip because it's three minutes long but take a look

  • quickly at how many points of contact she has with the member from her audience.

  • ...and we're all celebrating our 40th.

  • Your ninth baby... Come here. [Audience cheering]

  • How many months are you now?

  • No, really, did you always want a big family?

  • That's it. That is it. Okay, thank you. What's your name?

  • Katherine.

  • Katherine is going to have a baby in three months. Unbelievable. [Audience applauds]

  • It's doubly unfortunate that there are so many cases

  • of unwanted sexual touching coming up in the news and in our culture nowadays.

  • It's obviously fantastic because we're eliminating that

  • but an unfortunate side effect is that these platonic touches are getting lost.

  • And these are things that truly help to connect to people.

  • It's part of why people can open up so quickly and so comfortably with Oprah.

  • Now, for a more nuanced breakdown of touching, you can check out our video on

  • Chris Hemsworth but for now just note that this immediately lowers

  • the sense of separation between Oprah and the person she's speaking to.

  • You may have also noticed something else that does that which is how strong Oprah's eye contact is;

  • she is completely comfortable with intimacy and prolonged eye contact.

  • Just look how present she is when listening with Steven Spielberg

  • showing him how he is truly has her full attention.

  • ...number times unfortunately. I think the first time was when he gave

  • his very, very long and important

  • explanation of why he needed to get the 13th amendment to abolish slavery

  • You could see Oprah squinting and furrowing her brow

  • which shows the other person that she is actively listening to what they are saying.

  • But these aren't necessarily charisma tactics to just be used.

  • This is the result of what happens when you are truly present in trying to understand someone.

  • When you're on the flip side receiving someone's full attention it feels absolutely incredible.

  • Now, to drive this point home and make the other person feel even better,

  • Oprah will often listen and then summarize what the other person has just said.

  • Take this clip for instance where Rihanna's been talking about her relationship with her father

  • and Chris Brown and noticed how she responds to Oprah's recap of what she just said.

  • I had to forgive him because I cared about him still.

  • And the minute I let go of that, I started living again.

  • You made peace with your father and then you were able to make peace with Chris.

  • Yes.

  • Because you realize the connection between what your father had done and what Chris had done.

  • Because of the intensity of Oprah's full focus her guests often feel that she gets them at a deep level.

  • They feel connected to her in some way like they share a common life understanding.

  • Now, Oprah doesn't just imply these connections and commonalities with her body language.

  • She straight up calls them out with her guests as she sees them.

  • I was so thrilled to realize you know how we you and I are most alike.

  • Let me guess, you're an introvert.

  • I'm an introvert.

  • Amy: I knew it. Oprah: You knew it?

  • This small thing is much more significant than it may sound.

  • In his book influence Robert Chiellini discusses how feeling similar to someone is one of the six most powerful factors in persuasion.

  • It puts two people in sync allowing for pacing and leading which we've discussed

  • in other videos that I'm going to link to in the description below.

  • Now, two people who are in sync may breathe at the same pace

  • they might move in the same waybut the easiest way to spot it is if they can finish each other's sentences.

  • Now, Oprah hits this phase blindingly fast with many of her guests.

  • Just watch the continuation of that clip with Amy Schumer.

  • I've been at parties where I have to get up and leave

  • Amy: Take a break. Recharge. Oprah: I'm just in the bathroom. Recharge.

  • I love the bathroom.

  • Love it.

  • Both: I love to hide in the bathroom.

  • She gets energy from people. She feeds

  • She feeds and we get sucked.

  • And I get sucked dry.

  • You need to be taken out of a party in a stretcher.

  • Yes.

  • All of what we've discussed up until now is very useful.

  • But what makes Oprah truly exceptional at connecting is her philosophy

  • that the most important thing to uncover in an interaction is what moves people emotionally.

  • She didn't get famous discussing politics or by doing goofy skits.

  • She got famous by exploring what made her guests feel feelings

  • and that's why you often hear her ask questions like these

  • What's the most difficult decision you've had to make to fulfill your destiny?

  • How would you describe your childhood?

  • How did you manage to pull the pieces of yourself together?

  • You'll notice that these questions aren't small talk or banter.

  • They have to do with hardship, with family, with the things we don't want to tell people

  • about ourselves because we're afraid of how vulnerable, raw, and emotional they make us.

  • But family, hardship, our dreams, the things that we're ashamed of

  • these are the things that often define who we are at our core.

  • And to illustrate how powerful these ideas of dreams and family can be to people,

  • watch this clip of Oprah with James Corden; this was actually the video

  • that put her on my radar as someone that had a true gift with charisma.

  • Now, I recommend watching the whole thing separately because it's really remarkable

  • and I'm gonna diminish the effect by editing it here but this is a brief overview

  • of an interaction that lasts just two and a half minutes.

  • When did you first realize you have this power just to make people cry?

  • Go on. Give me your best, okay? Unleash the power.

  • Every father has a dream for his children

  • Oh, shut up. [Audienc laughs]

  • What is the dream that you hold in your heart?

  • I just want.. it just feels like this every day... [Laughs]

  • This scenario isn't unique to Oprah; she's been bringing people to tears her whole career.

  • And it's this ability to get to someone's emotional core that really did make her famous.

  • And if you apply what you've learned so far, you're gonna be able to get people

  • to open up to a deep connection that will bond you to for a long time.

  • But there is one final and very critical pointwhen people do get emotionally real,

  • when they cry, they get excited... whatever it is, Oprah doesn't try to defuse that tension

  • she leans into it; she allows her guests to express themselves fully.

  • And so many of us unfortunately do the opposite.

  • Someone cries if we Pat them uncomfortably saying, "There, there,"

  • hoping that they will stop or they get excited and we redirect the conversation

  • because their enthusiasm doesn't fit our current mood.

  • Oprah can connect with people so brilliantly because

  • she not only encourages them to open up, she also validates them when they do.

  • She's empathetic enough to go there emotionally with them; she shares in their joy or their pain.

  • Have you been sober since?

  • Yes, I have.

  • Hello. Let's celebrate that. That's where you are right now.

  • Look at how great that is.

  • Wow.

  • It makes me cry too. It makes me cry too.

  • I know, I know. It's beautiful.

  • Why am I crying on Oprah?

  • In short, people feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open up to Oprah

  • because she will go there too.

  • In fact, she went there first; early in her talk-show career,

  • she revealed the sexual abuse that she suffered as a nine-year-old

  • not to mention a whole slew of other personal struggles that I wasn't even aware of

  • as someone who didn't watch her talk show as a kid.

  • And it was her openness that paved the way for others to do the same

  • when they came on her show so if you want to connect with someone deeply

  • to get them to open up past the surface level small-talk,

  • you have to be fascinated by what moves them emotionally.

  • You have to focus primarily on what you share rather than on how you differ and you

  • have to be willing to open yourself up so that others feel safe doing the same with you.

  • That's what made Oprah the biggest talk show star ever.

  • It's what endeared her to millions of viewers and earned her billions of dollars

  • and if you followed the advice in this video it can be your superpower too.

  • Now, one of the themes of this video is the value of being heard.

  • It honestly can't be overstated; you see how deeply impacted Oprah's guests are by her attention.

  • What's unfortunate is that so few of us have the opportunity to feel heard in our lives

  • and sometimes it's hard to share what's going on in your life even with close friends

  • and sometimes those friends and family don't know how to advise us

  • or they give bad advice because they're so close to us.

  • That's why I have asked better help to sponsor this video and I'm very excited about it

  • because BetterHelp provides affordable counseling from licensed therapists all from your home.

  • I've actually used this service myself and I'm going to continue to

  • because talking to someone once a week has had a positive impact on my life

  • plus it doesn't have this hassle of having to leave the house,

  • you can just chat from your couch using your phone or your computer.

  • Ben also signed up and got a ton from it he was actually pretty excited because

  • he identified this sense of anxiety masquerading as perfectionism.

  • And since then, he's been able to take steps not to worry as much about past mistakes

  • or trying to be so perfect all the time.

  • BetterHelp can help you also find your blind spots

  • so if you think that you might benefit from talking to someone on a regular basis,

  • consider checking out betterhelp.com/charisma

  • or click the link in the description to get started.

  • You're just gonna answer a few questions so that they can connect you

  • with the right therapist for your situation

  • and then you'll be matched within 24 hours and you can cancel anytime you want.

  • It's completely confidential, you don't have to leave your house,

  • and it's a small fraction of the cost of most other therapy options.

  • Now, because both Ben and I got a lot of value from it,

  • I think there's a good chance that you will too and it's absolutely the case that speaking

  • with a licensed therapist can have a big impact if you are facing challenges in your life.

  • So if BetterHelp sounds right for you, go ahead and check it out.

  • Either way, I hope that you are happy, much love from me, and

  • I look forward to seeing you in the next video.

Oprah Winfrey has a superpower.

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B1 US oprah betterhelp people emotionally connect charisma

How To Make Someone Remember You For A Lifetime

  • 51 3
    minicat posted on 2018/10/09
Video vocabulary