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  • -Thank you, thank you.

  • So, man, I am bad at breakups.

  • I really am. I don't even --

  • What do you even ask on these first dates now?

  • "What kind of music do you like?"

  • Who cares?

  • This is my new first-date question --

  • "How likely are you to yell at me in public?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That one's going to come in handy.

  • I don't want to be in that relationship,

  • eight months in she's screaming at me in front of strangers.

  • I'm like, "It's cool. We both like Chance The Rapper."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was in an Uber right after the breakup.

  • And you ever overshare with the driver?

  • Try to make a little connection.

  • He was like, "How are you?"

  • I was like, "I just had a breakup."

  • He was like, "Let me tell you some stuff about breakups."

  • And the second he said that,

  • I was like, "I think I made a mistake."

  • He's like, "You know what I did when my girlfriend left me?"

  • I said, "What?" He said, "I had sex with everyone.

  • You think that helped me?" I was like, "No."

  • He said, "It did."

  • All right.

  • He's like "You know what else I did?

  • I called her up. I told her all about it.

  • You think that made me feel better?"

  • I said, "God, no." He said, "It did."

  • I was like, "I'm going to stop guessing,

  • 'cause you're very unpredictable."

  • And it went on like this for 40 more minutes.

  • I finally got out of the car.

  • I was like, "Do you think that was helpful for me at all?"

  • He said, "Probably not." I said, "It was."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I Uber a lot. I'm a terrible driver.

  • You know, I'm a bad driver. I get mad at other drivers, too.

  • You ever get cut off by a reckless driver?

  • And then you catch up with them to see what they look like?

  • It doesn't matter what race or gender.

  • Every time I see what they look like,

  • I'm always like, "I knew it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Could just be a white guy. I'm like, "Classic.

  • Classic white dude.

  • Takes what's he wants, contributes nothing to society."

  • I'm only going to do the example for white people.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But racism, that must be learned behavior.

  • Don't you think?

  • It must be.

  • Otherwise, you would meet racist babies.

  • Which would be hilarious.

  • Just itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny racists.

  • "What were his first words?"

  • "We'd rather not say.

  • Also, they were taken out of context, so..."

  • I've been drinking too much.

  • I really have.

  • I peed on the street the other night.

  • Yeah, I'm not bragging, but...

  • This cop walked up to me.

  • He's like, "You are not seriously peeing on the street?"

  • I said, "No, I'm doing it ironically."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He handcuffed me while my penis was still out,

  • so that makes it look like I committed a way worst crime

  • than public urination.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One of two times I've been handcuffed drunk.

  • The other time I was in New Orleans.

  • I was walking down the street. 19 years old.

  • And this guy on the street says,

  • "Do you want a hit of this blunt?"

  • And I said, "Yes, I do."

  • And the second I take a hit,

  • these cops out of nowhere slam me against the wall.

  • They're patting me down.

  • This cop looks deep into my eyes.

  • He goes, "You seem very drunk."

  • I look back, and I go, "I am messed up."

  • He's like, "How much have you had?"

  • I said, "I've had a few too many."

  • He was like, "How much is that?" I was like, "You know too many?"

  • He said, "Yeah." I was like, "A few more than that."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He didn't even crack a smile.

  • I'm not saying I'm Oscar Wilde. But I'm near blackout.

  • I deserve something, you know.

  • So he's patting me down. He feels in my back pocket.

  • To this day, I have a little notebook in my back pocket.

  • And he said, "What is that?"

  • And I'm drunk, so I said, "That's my joke pad."

  • And he's like, "What the hell is a joke pad?"

  • And I said, "I'm a stand-up comic."

  • And the second it came out of my mouth, I was like, "No."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He's like, "You're a comedian?" I said, "Yeah."

  • He goes, "We'll see about that."

  • Takes the joke book out of my back pocket,

  • starts reading the jokes out loud.

  • After every joke, his partner would go,

  • "Worst piece of crap I've ever heard."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The two guys handcuffed next to me

  • are now laughing hysterically.

  • They were supposed to be on my side.

  • They flipped.

  • And it only went on two or three minutes.

  • But it felt longer, 'cause this guy's got no delivery.

  • He's missing my key nuances. You know?

  • Finally uncuffs me. He uncuffs the other guys.

  • They figured we had enough.

  • They keep my joke book. They drive away.

  • And the second they drive away,

  • one of the guys I'm handcuffed with turns to me.

  • He goes, "Oh, my God, dude.

  • I had cocaine on me.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But they didn't search me 'cause of your horrible jokes."

  • Thank you so much.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -You saved him.

  • Hey. Thank you, brother.

  • Sam Morril.

  • For tour dates, go to sammorril.com.

-Thank you, thank you.

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A2 BEG US TheTonightShow laughter joke driver pocket street

Sam Morril Stand-Up

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    827535785 posted on 2018/09/15
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