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We tend to associate diplomacy with embassies,
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international relations and high politcs.
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But it really
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refers to a set of skills that matter in many areas of daily life, especially at the office
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and on the landing, outside the slammed doors of loved ones' bedrooms. Diplomacy is the
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art of advancing an idea or cause without unnecessarily inflaming passions or unleashing
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a catastrophe. It involves an understanding of the many facets of human nature that can
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undermine agreement and stoke conflict, and a commitment to unpicking these with foresight
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and grace. The diplomat remembers, first and foremost, that some of the vehemence with
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which we can insist on having our way draws energy from an overall sense of not being
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respected or heard within a relationship. We will fight with particular tenacity and
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apparent meanness over a so-called small point when we have a sense that the other person
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has failed to honour our wider need for appreciation and esteem. Behind our fierce way of arguing
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may lie a frustrated plea for affection. Diplomats know the intensity with which humans crave
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respect and so though they may not always be able to agree with us, they take the trouble
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to show that they have bothered to see how things look through our eyes. They recognise
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that it is almost as important to people to feel heard, as to win their case. We'll
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put up with a lot once someone has demonstrated that they at least know how we feel. Diplomats
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therefore put extraordinary effort into securing the health of the overall relationship so
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that smaller points can be conceded along the way without attracting feelings of untenable
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humiliation. They know how much beneath pitched fights over money or entitlements, schedules
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or procedures, a demand for esteem can stir. They are careful to trade generously in emotional
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currency, so as not always to have to pay excessively in other, more practical denominations.
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Frequently, what is at stake within a negotiation with someone is a request that they change
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in some way: that they learn to be more punctual, or take more trouble on a task, that they
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be less defensive or more open-minded. The diplomat knows how futile it is to state these
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wishes too directly. They know the vast difference between having a correct diagnosis of how
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someone needs to grow and a relevant way to help them do so. They know too that what holds
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people back from evolution is fear – and therefore grasp that what we may most need
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to offer those whom we want to acknowledge difficult things is, above anything else,
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love and reassurance. It helps greatly to know that those recommending change are not
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speaking from a position of impregnable perfection but are themselves wrestling with comparable
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demons in other areas. For a diagnosis not to sound like mere criticism, it helps for
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it to be delivered by someone with no compunctions to owning up to their own shortcomings. There
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can be few more successful pedagogic moves than to confess genially from the outset,
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'And I am, of course, entirely mad as well…'' In negotiations, the diplomat is not addicted
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to indiscriminate or heroic truth telling. They appreciate the legitimate place that
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minor lies can occupy in the service of greater truths. They know that if certain local facts
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are emphasised, then the most important principles in a relationship may be forever undermined.
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So they will enthusiastically say that the financial report or the homemade cake were
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really very pleasing and will do so not to deceive but to affirm the truth of their overall
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attachment, which might be be lost were a completely accurate account of their feelings
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to be laid out. Diplomats know that a small lie may have to be the guardian of a big truth.
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They appreciate their own resistance to the unvarnished facts – and privately hope that
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others may on occasion, over certain matters, also take the trouble to lie to them, and
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that they will never know. Another trait of the diplomat is to be serene in the face of
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obviously bad behaviour: a sudden loss of temper, a wild accusation, a very mean remark.
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They don't take it personally – even when they may be the target of rage. They reach
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instinctively for reasonable explanations and have clearly in their minds the better
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moments of a currently frantic but essentially loveable person. They know themselves well
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enough to understand that abandonments of perspective are both hugely normal and usually
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indicative of nothing much beyond exhaustion or passing despair. They do not aggravate
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a febrile situation through self-righteousness, which is a symptom of not knowing oneself
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too well – and of having a very selective memory. The person who bangs a fist on the
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table or announces extravagant opinions may simply be rather worried, frightened or just
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very enthusiastic: conditions that should rightly invite sympathy rather than disgust.
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At the same time, the diplomat understands that there are moments to sidestep direct
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engagement. They do not try to teach a lesson whenever it might first or most apply: they
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wait till it has the best chance of being heard. At points, they disarm difficult people
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by reacting in unexpected ways. In the face of a tirade, instead of going on the defensive,
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the diplomatic person might suggest some lunch. When a harshly unfair criticism is launched
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at them, they might nod in partial agreement and declare that they've often said such
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things to themselves. They give a lot of ground away and avoid getting cornered in arguments
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that distract from the deeper issues. They remember the presence of a better version
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of what might be a somewhat unfortunate individual currently on display. The diplomat's tone
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of reasonableness is built, fundamentally, on a base of deep pessimism. They know what
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the human animal is, they understand how many problems are going to beset even a very good
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marriage, business, friendship or society. Their good humoured way of greeting problems
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is a symptom of having swallowed a healthy measure of sadness from the outset. They have
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given up on the ideal, not out of weakness but out of a mature readiness to see compromise
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as a necessary requirement for getting by in a radically imperfect world. The diplomat
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may be polite, but they are not for that matter averse to delivering bits of bad news with
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uncommon frankness. Too often, we seek to preserve our image in the eyes of others by
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tiptoeing around the harsh decisions – and thereby make things far worse than they need
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to be. We should say that we're leaving them, that they're fired, that their pet
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project isn't going ahead, but we mutter instead that we're a little preoccupied
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at the moment, that we're delighted by their performance and that the project is being
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actively discussed by the senior team. We mistake leaving some room for hope with kindness.
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But true kindness does not mean seeming kind, it means helping the people we are going to
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disappoint to adjust as best they can to reality. By administering a sharp, clean blow, the
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diplomatic person kills off the torture of hope, accepting the frustration that's likely
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to come their way: the diplomat is kind enough to let themselves be the target of hate. The
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diplomats succeed ultimately because they are a realist; they know we are inherently flawed, unreasonable,
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anxious, comedically absurd creatures who scatter blame unfairly, misdiagnose their
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pains and react appallingly to criticism – especially when it is accurate – and yet they are hopeful
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too of the possibilities of progress when our disturbances have been properly factored
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in and cushioned with adequate reassurance, accurate interpretation and respect. Diplomacy
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seeks to teach us how many good things can still be accomplished when we make some necessary
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accommodations with the crooked, sometimes touching and hugely unreliable material of human nature.
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If you're interested in coming to San Francisco to meet us at the end of March
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please click on the link on your screen now to find out more. We hope to see you there.