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Perhaps some nights you lie awake next to your partner.
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Probably they're not awful.
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But they are almost certainly a bit boring.
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After all it's been a long time.
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Sex with them is ok
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but not great in every possible way.
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There's something so special about undressing someone for the first time
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feeling their excitement in your hands
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and hearing them say rude words to you in lust.
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But you don't want to give up the relationship you're already in
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which is pretty good in some key ways.
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Maybe you've got children or a joint home you've put a lot of work into.
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You don't want to lose everything.
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You just want to enjoy a few new scenarios.
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At such points, like many people you think:
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"What about polyamory"?
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And you feel quite brave and adventurous for going this far.
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Part of the problem is that polyamory sounds so plausible.
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An ideal way out of our societies' collective hypocrisy around sexual desire.
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Maybe you know someone from the tennis club who said to be into polyamory.
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They seem normal, very sane and extremely cheerful.
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There was an article in a magasine describing how polyamory is becoming fashionable in Paris
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and is gaining popularity in Vancouver.
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Apparently, plenty of others manage it. Why shouldn't you?
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Polyamory looks like it could be, as its advocates suggest, the future of relationships in general.
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And, more urgently, of yours in particular.
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Like many aspects of existence, polyamory is convincing in principle.
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Big, general ideas, usually are.
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To take another exemple:
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In principle, many people feel it would be nicer to give up on the rat-race in the city and relocate to the countryside.
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It's healthier, housing costs are lower.
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You'll be able to grow vegetables and reconnect with nature.
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Or, to take an exemple from politics:
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In principle, many people feel that direct democracy with referendum every weekend
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to determine every decision sounds like a great idea.
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We'd finally get the kind of government we want.
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It happens in Switzerland so it's obviously possible.
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And technology has made it much more possible to organise.
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But the problem with principles is that they are perilously prone to leave out the details.
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Which is where the problems are located
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They encourage us to forget that if we move to the country, we'll be hampered in our plans to order sushi at short notice.
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The neighbor's tractor will wake us up at 5:30.
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Things will be surprisingly expensive.
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And we'll have a terrible sense of being left out of the party.
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Or when it comes to direct democracy we forget the whimsical and terrifying nature of mass public opinion
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along with our own disinterest in the details of policy
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and the entirely exceptional nature of Swiss society and public life.
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Things are no different with polyamory.
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When at certain times the general principle of polyamory strikes us as a mature and viable option for organising our sex lives
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we'd be advised to hold a few details in mind:
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- We should picture how challenging it can be
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when at, an orgy, a partner gives us a wink as they disappear
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into a softly lit bedroom with two other people.
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We make a sign to join them but are politely, yet firmly
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rebuffed by one of the strangers who asks gruffly who the weirdo with the strange underwear might be.
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Hearing a partner orgasm at the hands of another is a complex experience.
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- We may forget too that once we sign up to polyamory
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it won't be entirely straightforward to locate other people who excite us deeply.
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Of course, we may have offers from types we don't much fancy
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except it will now be agony to explain why we don't want them.
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However, even if we do find someone we favor, it may turn out their sexual tastes don't quite match our own.
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They may share our love of spanking, but it could be harder or softer that we would ideally prefer.
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Or, they'll love dressing as a pirate, but they might refuse to wear an eyepatch
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which is a deal breaker for us.
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Or, they might indeed shout obscenities but their repertoire risks being sadly unimaginative
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and their accent grating.
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Our partner, on the other hand
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might all the while be having no trouble at all locating some pretty amazing new friends.
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We had assumed we'd be in demand, but that's not how it could turn out.
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We also tend to forget how nice it is when something is fully ours.
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As children, we never actually liked sharing our toys much
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though borrowing them was pretty nice.
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When we were five
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we deeply resented if other children took the fire engine
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or started a cooking game with the miniature kitchen.
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A disavowed possessive streak runs quite deep in many of us.
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Furthermore, we've got a busy life
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and polyamory takes a lot of time to organise.
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Our prospective partners may be busy just that night we're free or more inclined
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– exactly when we had a slot –
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to hook up with that dentist who is slightly repugnant in our eyes.
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Despite the freewheeling atmosphere
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even in polyamory
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there will be some surprisingly tricky and intractable emotions to deal with.
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There will be splits, painful endings, feelings of abandonment and moments of rage.
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We'll be exposed to the inner tribulations of a great many people
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rather than just those of a single well-charted spouse.
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Certain partners will burst into uncontrollable sobs and talk urgently of their mothers
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when all we were looking for was a rapid sexual thrill.
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Others will, as we stand at the bedside with a whip or a mask, accuse us of selfishness
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pretend to read a magazine and refuse to explain what's wrong.
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There's no dispute at all that polyamory will work very well for some people
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but like many alluring ideas, that doesn't mean it will work for us.
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Mostly likely, if we become polyamorous
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we will once again encounter almost all of the problems we'd once known so well in monogamy
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only far more often
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more chaotically
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and with a greater sense of violated expectation.