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Let’s say you want to become pope, head of the Catholic Church and shepherd to over
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1 billion faithful.
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What requirements must you have for this lofty position:
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1) Be a catholic and
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2) Be a man.
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Which seems a little thin… and, while it’s technically possible for a regular Sunday
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Catholic to become pope, the last time this happened was essentially never because becoming
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pope isn’t like becoming president, you can’t just run for office. Selecting the
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pope is an inside job and the men who do it are the cardinals, and while in theory they
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can select any catholic man to become pope, in practice they prefer to elevate one of
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their own.
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The last time a non-cardinal become pope was more than 600 years ago. So, while it isn’t
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an official requirement, it’s an unofficial, official requirement.
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Thus in order to be pope you’ll first need to be a cardinal and to do that you’ll need
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to start climbing the catholic corporate ladder.*
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Step 1: Become a Priest. Unlike some churches where you can fill out
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a form online and – poof – ordained. The Catholic Church treats becoming a priest as
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a real, you-need-training profession. So you’re going to require a lot of education: usually
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a college degree in Catholic Philosophy and then a masters in divinity.
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In addition to your educational qualifications, you must also be:
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A man Unmarried,
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Willing to remain celibate forever.† If you meet these requirements, and have been
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working with the church, then you can be officially ordained as a priest. Which basically means
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you get to run a Catholic Church, or work with another priest who does.
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But, you want onward and to do that you need to take the job of the man who just made you
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a priest.
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Step 2: Become a Bishop Bishops are a much more select group: while
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there are about 400,000 catholic priests world wide, there are only about 5,000 bishops.
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While priests get churches, bishops get cathedrals, from which they oversee a number of local
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churches.
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To advance your career you must wait for a bishop in your area to be forced into retirement
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at age 75 or die sooner than that – freeing up space for you.
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But you can’t just apply, because there’s already a secret list of potential bishops
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that’s updated every three years based on who the current bishops in your area think
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would make a good replacement for one of their own.
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To be on that list, in addition to the obvious requirement of being a pious person, you should
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also:
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Be least 35 years old Have been priest for at least five years
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Have a doctorate in theology (or equivalent) Assuming you’re all these things, your name
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may, or may not be on the secret list. The local bishops then give that list to the pope’s
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ambassador for your country, known as the Apostolic Nuncio.
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The Nuncio picks three priests from the list, does in-depth research on them, conducts interviews
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and selects the one he thinks is best.
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But it’s not over, because the Nuncio sends his report to Vatican City and the congress
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of bishops who work there reviewing potential appointments from around the world.
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If the congress of bishops doesn’t like any of the three candidates, they can tell
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the Nuncio to start over: returning to the list, picking another three candidates – doing
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more research, more interviews and sending off the results.
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When the congress of bishops is happy with one of the Nuncio’s candidates that name
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is given to the pope, who can reject the candidate and start the whole process over.
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It shouldn’t be a surprise that from a vacancy to a bishop’s replacement can take months
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and, on occasion, years.
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But assuming that a bishop in your area retired (or died) at the right time and you were on
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the secret list of good priests and the Nuncio picked you and you made it through his interview
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and the congress of bishops approved you and the pope didn’t veto you – poof now you’re
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now a bishop.
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But you’re still not on top. The penultimate promotion is…
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Step 3: Become a Cardinal. Despite the fancy name and snazzy red outfits
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to match cardinals are not the bosses of bishops, they are bishops, just with an additional
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title and additional responsibilities – the most notable of which is electing the new
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pope.‡
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The only way to become a cardinal is to get to current pope to appoint you as one – and
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of the 5,000 bishops, only about 200 are ever cardinals.
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But let’s say your ambition doesn’t go unnoticed by the pope and he makes you a cardinal
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– now it’s time to play the waiting game for his death or retirement – and with popes
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death is vastly more likely.
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When either happens the cardinals under the age of 80 are brought to Vatican City where
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they are isolated from the outside world – presumably by taking away their cell phones and tablets
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and carrier pigeons. Once sequestered, the election of a new pope can begin.
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These elections are never exactly the same because the ex-pope leaves instructions on
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how he wants his replacement to be picked, but in general it works like this: four times
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a day the cardinals go to the Sistine Chapel to vote – to become pope one of them must
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get a 2/3rds majority.
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There’s a big dose of musent-be-too-hasty here as the cardinals don’t just raise their
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hands, or use a modern preferential voting system, but instead write down one name on
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a piece of paper stand before the alter and say a long latin phrase, before officially
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casting the ballot.
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Once all the cardinals have done this, the votes are counted and then burned.
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This why TV news stations covering the election of the pope use super-modern-hd-livestreaming
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cameras to look at a chimney. If the smoke is black, no new pope.
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The high victory threshold, and tediously slow voting process, is why it takes so long
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to elect a new pope. It’s usually at least two weeks of voting four times a day six days
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a week (with one day a week for prayer) but the record length is three years.
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Assuming you, eventually, win the support of your fellow cardinals, you have one final
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thing to do before becoming pope: pick yourself a new name.
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There is no formal rule, you can name yourself anything you like but it’s tradition to
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take the name of a previous pope.
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Upon your acceptance of the job, the final ballots are burned clean to make the smoke
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white and announce to the world that a new pope has been selected.
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So that’s the career path: be born into the right half of the population, become one
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of a billion catholics, then one of 400,000 priests, then one of 5,000 bishops, then one
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of 200 cardinals, wait for the current pope to die or retire, and convince 2/3rds of your
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fellow cardinals to select you as the one, the only pope.