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  • P: Hello, Dan and Phil Games forts!

  • D: Boo. Hah! Got you there.

  • P: Wow, you were so hidden! D: Look at me!

  • D: Today I'm wearing camouflage 'cause we're getting serious-

  • D: -With some gaming. P: I'm wearing rose-o-flage.

  • D: That's literally not revelant at all-

  • P: I could hide in a rose bush right now. D: -But you're trying your best.

  • P: So today we are playing Fortnite!

  • D: Fort- fort- P: Nnn- D&P: -ite.

  • P: Which a lot of people across the world have been playing.

  • D: Oh yeah, a few people- P: A few million people. D: -have, like, gotten into this this year, yeah.

  • P: If you're someone that lives in a cave, it's a Battle Royale game where a hundred people get

  • P: Catapulted on an island, and you've gotta fight each other to the death, and only one person will win.

  • D: It's the Hunger Games. P: Yeah. D: Which it was Battle Royale.

  • P: Yeah. But we're playing as a duo.

  • D: Right, so this is the thing, okay?

  • D: You can play this game by yourself, and it's just you versus a hundred people

  • D: And it's, like, super tense and scary and it's fun. P: Yeah.

  • D: Or you can p-play as a duo- P: Hey!

  • D: Or in a squad. Now, I- P: I'm a lit addition to the team!

  • D: [contemplates death]

  • P: [laughs]

  • D: Okay, team- P: Don't start that tone! D: Team rule number one-

  • P: I'm a lit addition!

  • D: That's banned. P: Right.

  • P: I'm unpredictable like a poker player. D: You- you are an amazing morale booster-

  • P: Thanks. D: And you're really fun and nice- P: [laughs]

  • D: But I wouldn't choose Phil to have my back in a zombie apocalypse, disclaimer.

  • P: I'm terrible at this, so we're probably gonna die really fast.

  • P: So I'm playing as this floating torso lady. D: You look like a Lost actress.

  • D: Oh my god, fake fan. P: Uh, Kate.

  • D: Rodriguez. P: We have to go back! D: [indignant stuttering]

  • P: Oh, no Kate. Not Kate! D: Not- fuck-

  • D: Are you kidding me?!

  • D: Yeah, am I talking about Michelle Rodriguez or Evangeline Lily there?

  • P: Talking about your mum!

  • D: Oh, look, there's- there's Dan, my character, there.

  • P: Yeah? D: It's Tom Holland.

  • P: [laughs] Shut up. D: That's me being you. Right, okay-

  • D: This is fun. I get to be the lady.

  • P: I wanted to be the lady!

  • D: And Phil, I see your name in the distance.

  • P: Oh, this one looks much like me.

  • D: I WILL FIND YOU IN ANY WORLD PHIL

  • P: Find me! Find me!

  • P: I'm going to dance for this group of lads

  • D: I love that in any this P: yeah lads. D: they don't seem amused P: They love it. They love it!

  • D: They're not even moving P: SEE SEE SEE I made a friend

  • D: In any battle royale games start by jumping out the plane which in this game is a bus because they're so quirky

  • P: I already know- D: Where do you want to go? What do you want to aim for?

  • P: Well everyone usually jumps out straight away, and I want to keep alive for a little bit

  • D: Let's go for tomato town, okay? So did you see it on the map

  • P: no one likes Tomatoes So that's a good sign? D: Well-

  • P: Where is it? I can't see I can't see it. It's like it's like Where's Wally. [Dan singing: Phil can't read, Phil can't see]

  • P: Oh! I can see it, I can see it

  • D: Right, I reckon we jump in like a few seconds. P: Im getting ready

  • D: Let's just appreciate this peace

  • [appreciating peace]

  • P: ..And... go!

  • D: OH MY GOD JUMP NOW

  • D: Right, uhm, there's people coming near us

  • P: [unalarmed] oh no

  • D: Stay away.

  • P: Basically, in this game, you don't want-

  • -anyone to be near you at any time.

  • D: Well, there's two ways to play.

  • D: One is surviving til the end, like in the Hunger Games.

  • D: By being- What? (he meant by being sneaky)

  • P: I'm coming for you now.

  • P: [cute laugh] Sorry. I don't know my lefts and rights.

  • D: oH MY GOD I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY

  • -OH MY GOD WE'RE BOTH GOING THE WRONG WAY

  • -WHERE ARE WE GOING? Come towards these steel beams.

  • P: What beams?!

  • D: Junkyard. Junkyard. Junkyard. Come on.

  • P: Dan! That was not the plan! D: Are you coming into the junkyard?

  • P: Yes! We're betraying Tomato Town

  • D: Ok, fine, fine. oh, jesus. Jesus.

  • P: There's someone here I can see them.

  • D: Ok, I've got a tactical shot-gussy (shotgun). We're fine.

  • P: Just bang him in the face and we'll be all good.

  • D: ....Yikes, that came out wrong didn't it? P: [awkward laugh]

  • P: Right. I've got a shotgun as well.

  • D: Right, we need to get together. It'll be alright. P: Stay with me!

  • P: The truth is, if you stay together, you will win.

  • D: Well, if you're playing in a duo, then yes, you need to stick together.

  • P: [panicked stuttering]

  • P: The thing about this game is you can hear people's footsteps.

  • D: Yeah, and us screaming right now-

  • -that's not at all an issue,

  • -in fact, everything's fine.

  • P: Right, let's find some more guns and get some items

  • D: Now, as you can tell, you start with nothing-

  • -and the whole poINT- P: OH MY GOD D: OH MY GOD SOMEONE'S SHOOTING US

  • P: [screaming] Die! Die!

  • [intense concentration]

  • D: We did it P: Yes! Right in the butt!

  • D: Oh my god, no health.

  • D: oH MY GOD THERE'S SOMEONE RIGHT THERE PHIL PHIL PHIL!!!!

  • P: [unhelpful yelping]

  • D: Oh my god, there- there.

  • P: I'm following you in [x2]

  • D: I have no health. Kill them, kill them! Go after.

  • D: You be the canon father. GO DOWNSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS!

  • P: Okay! I'm going! D: Oh my go- you see this guy,-

  • -you see what I have to deal with? Run downstairs-

  • -you go first. Keep running downstairs! P: You're just-

  • -using me as the shield of death-

  • D: I literally am because I have eight health and this person's gonna come for us

  • P: We need to find an item what to make we need to find some D: What to heck, we need to find some-

  • Bandages for my frickin face cuz I ain't got- P: Oh, there's a treasure chest here. Do I trust it? D: Yes

  • P: I feel like it's a trap. D: No it's not it's fine. They're more scared of us than we are of them, except

  • They probably are because there's - oh my god. Why is there no bandages? You have to get prepared to avenge my death-

  • P [speaking over Dan]: I will, I will- D: -and give me the rub rubs - to bring me back up: P [Still speaking over Dan] I'm gonna *laughs*-

  • -I'm gonna give you some sweet rubs D: I am so scared right now. P: There's another gun here. Do you want it? D: [in response to Phil] Naahh P: Alright. D: Ain't got time for-

  • P: Should we get some more items? Basically, you can build forts out items so we could just build a fort and wait out this storm was together. D: What makes this game-

  • -special is that they basically made a battle royale out to the zombie base building game

  • P: Yeah. D: so- it's like, it turns into a shootout, where-

  • -everybody's building giant castles- P[in the background] Wait for me!! D:-there's someone there, I just saw all the dust trails. P: Oh my god. Oh my god-

  • -is there nowhere else with items in this place? D: Um? I don't think so- P: I can see another chest over there!

  • D:Where? Well, let's do some construction, friend- P: I can do it. D: Okay fine. You- no, you're like the slowest person in the world-

  • P: OH MY GOD THERE'S SOMEONE. HELP. D: [starting to raise his voice] Where, where, where?-

  • -shoot, shoot, how on Earth are you- P: AVENGE ME! DAD! D: Okay, well I don't have 10 seconds before this person's gonna come-

  • -and if I get shot once, then this is all over, okay P: [being loud] JESUS D: How did you not see them?

  • P: I didn't see where it came from just like stray bullets. D: Okay,

  • Well, we're both like here and have no health now, so we need to GTFO P: Should we go somewhere else?

  • P: This is a very stressful place, D: I need some bandages, I swear P: We could find a little house and get some bandages.

  • D: Right, okay let's just, let's go on an adventure over here, P: Let's just get out of here, I hate it here

  • D: Well already half the people are gone-

  • D: So this is much more relaxing. P: We're doing well. we're better than 50% of players. AND I killed someone D: Yes, totally P: Look at that! I've got a little skull next to my name.

  • D: You got the kill, what is this? P: What about that house? Do you wanna go up there? D: Is that a house?

  • P: We could make a life together up there. D&P:*laughing*

  • P: I feel like that's- *laughing again* D: I mean, that's, that's not a very good quality of life, I don't know about you.

  • D: Who's your guy? Wow look at you. P: He looks just like me. His guns (referring to his muscles) are a bit smaller than mine.

  • D: I mean, Phil, your biceps are wonderful, and you have nothing to be ashamed of okay. P: Thank you, thank you.

  • P: I've got the Avengers theme in my head and it's helping me keep calm. [Phil begins singing the song] D: How would the Avengers theme-

  • -help any human keep calm? Keep calm and raise war against the Chitauri. I mean what, what. P: Right, do you want me to-

  • P: Do you want me to build you some stairs up to here, because I know how to do it. D: Oh my god bandages, yeee P: Watch this, watch this

  • D: Okay. P: [singing in the background] D: [raising his tone] Wait, there's fucking people, there's fucking people P: Oh, JESUS

  • P: Sorry for saying Jesus. D: Do you seem them? Do you see them? P: Where? P: Down here. P: Wait, can I get them?

  • D: Oh my god, they're gonna, PHIL PHIL PHIL P: I'm getting them

  • [Concentrating on shooting them]

  • P: OH NO! I got shot in the back!

  • P: Dan, avenge me, avenge me, I'll be fine. D: If I get shot once, [silence] P: C'mon, c'mon you can do it.

  • D: Oh my god, I've run out of ammo. P: Just run away, just run way, they're going to leave you alone

  • [concentrating on game] D: AHHHHHHH (rip headphone users)

  • D: WHY ARE THEY SO SHIT!? Oh my god. Right.

  • P: Good start. D: That was okay. P: That was alright. D: I feel like you let the team down (talking about Phil) P: [sounding offended] Me? D: You died very quickly.

  • D: That's- P: I killed someone, I was building my stairs. D: Sure, fine. Okay. P: They're a beautiful set of stairs.

  • D: Let's give it another crack, that was just our warm up. P: Yeah. D: We're not used to playing in this, you know-

  • P: This situation. D: This environment. P: I'm warm now

  • P: I'm ready for blood. D: Wow. P: I changed. I'm blonde. D: You're now blonde Markiplier. P: Who I've always wanted to be.

  • D: Blonde Markiplier? P: [laughing] Yeah. That's like my fursona, but it's my personsona. D: I'll unpack that later-

  • D: -because we are launching in 8 seconds Phil. Are you ready? P: I'm ready. D: Okay.

  • P: Are you ready for it? D: We need to get serious, right. Chanel your inner Katniss. This time-

  • D: -We're gonna be there 'till the end. Right? P: Sure. Right until the end. D: Let's think very tactically about this.

  • D: Let's go somewhere- P: I think we should stay on this bus as long as possible. Lonely Lodge.

  • D: There's nothing in the lodge. P: Well what do you think? D: Well what's that thing next to the Mire? Is that the school or the prison?

  • P: That's the prison. D: Let's go to the prison. 'Cuz we've been good when we've gone to the prison. P: Okay.

  • P: No one wants to visit a prison of all these - attractions. D: Exactly. And no one wants to go near anything-

  • -That's referred to as a Moisty Mire, do they? P: No. D: So I reckon we should jump [sing-song voice] now. P: 3-2-1-Bail!

  • D: Christian. P: Alright. I'm falling at full velocity. D&P: [singing] I keep on falling yeeeeeee

  • D: I'm sorry Alicia. P: I think I'm going to break the sound barrier I'm going so fast.

  • D: That's the first time you've ever said that correctly. P: I got it right! (Congrats Phil!) I've been learning science guys.

  • D: I love how nonchalantly this guy is skydiving. Right look around, who's following us? P: There's no people. We're safe. D: No people. Yes mate.

  • D: This is gonna be a lot less stressful than the last one. Immediately look- P: Do you want to stick together still though? D: I mean, Nah we're fine.

  • P: I'm gonna go over here then.

  • D: Umm, okay you go that way, I'll go this way. P: Yeah. If someone starts shooting at me, I blame you.

  • D: Right, so now we can chill. Just calmly-

  • -collect some supplies.

  • D: Bake a cake, get some materials- P: We're all fine. D:-Get ready for a lovely tree fort. And honestly-

  • -there's just no pressure P: Oh! Treasure chest. D: It's a lot. [sounding annoyed] Seriously. It's a wonderful way to live

  • P: I just got an epic suppressed pistol, so I'm ready. D: Y'all can be sneaky with that. P: Yeah, and I've got a glug glug glug

  • D: You-you glug that Phil. P: So, now I've glugged that, that means I've got a shield. D: Down it fresher. Phil's got 50 shield

  • P: [laughs awkwardly] University flashbacks. D: [being jealous] I don't. P: Treble vodka vimtos. [makes noise to show he didn't like them]

  • P: I'm really scared there's people here. D: Yeah, I mean I've got it so quiet because we're not wearing headphones-

  • -that literally someone could be like BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, walking around and I'd be like hmmmm? P: I can hear some gunfire.

  • D: These battle royale's, they're basically horror games, because when you've only got one life as opposed to like, Call of Duty-

  • -Which is just like run in every five seconds-

  • -It's just so scary- P: Yeah D: -and you-you want to be-

  • -Like shy-

  • -But you can't play like that, like to win you have to be aggressive. P: You need to be a brave weasel

  • D: You can hide to the end, P: In a room full of lions- D: With no supplies, but that ain't gonna get you no where.

  • D: Why are you above me? We're supposed to be going in opposite direction. P: There's literally no guns in this house.

  • D: Yeah, because I've already looted it, you pa-toot. P: What? D: Right

  • P: Pa-toot. D: Rooty-pa-tooty, show me that booty. P: Right, I'm going through here. D: I'm talking about treasure booty,

  • D: I don't want Phil's character's, butt. P: Yarrr Get my booty. D: Can all of you just calm down. P: Would you not want to see blonde Markiplier's butt?

  • P: All right here we go, got that. D: Sentences that just shouldn't be said by any youtuber. Right. P: [laughs] Hey I've got some grenades.

  • D: Do you know how to throw grenades? P: Yes, and I also know how to throw you mum down the s-

  • P: [beings laughing] I'm not gonna say that. I was gonna say throw your mum down the stairs. That was too much, no. D: That wasn't even a sexual insult.

  • D&P: [at the same time] No, that's just really mean. P: I like your mum, I'm sorry. D: I'm not gonna tell her about that, don't worry.

  • D: That would definitely make it very weird. P: Watch this-

  • -Just call me the treasure chest king! D: Save if for me, I don't have anything-

  • I have a frickin'-

  • -gray is the worst color and as you can see I just have a gray shotgun. P: Come into my fort. D: -more like shotgun, am I right?

  • D: Ain't no fort of yours-

  • -You didn't build this, you can't claim credit for this. P: I think this is the prison warden's zone. I think he watches his people D: Private quarters, saucy

  • D: [sing-song voice] What's in here? Another gray- P:I'm waiting for you wit this chest. D: Yeah, yeah, yeah-

  • P: It's screaming out for you. D:- Clam down

  • P: [in high pitched voice] Danny, open me. Release yourself.

  • D: Can't bant and sneak, that-those are the two rules of life. P: [lightly screams when Dan goes into same room as him]

  • D: That's me you absolute turnip (I think that is the best insult ever)

  • P: Get that. D: That's better.

  • D: I guess. I've already got a little shield potion, do you have any?

  • P: Yeah. Think about this game, is a storm is about to descend on the screen. D: Like The Hunger Games. Do you remember Catching Fire?

  • D: That's happening right now, gas in enclosing upon this circle. P: Right now-

  • -We're gonna get gassed if we stay in this prison. D: So we need to move. What's-what's our next retail destination? Retail run(I think...)-

  • -I'm just suggesting that- P: [speaking over Dan] Salty Springs, D: -and there's just gonna be lots of people there so lets go to

  • Salty Springs, that's literally, it's where I was born, it's where I grew up, it's what I relate to. I'm salty. P: Yeah [weird laugh]

  • P: Right we're off into the wilderness.

  • D:Okay, P: You see any Badgers? D: Gotta be sneaky Charlie. P: It's my badgers. D: Are we gonna go in this cave which looks very foreboding?

  • P: I'm voting cave. D: We often as you can see now this purple enclosing-

  • -This is the gas P: Yeah, the storm D: and if you spend too long going OOHH a cave, or the storm, sorry-

  • -I mean what game are we playing? Player unknowns battle- P: There's something in there!

  • D: I've got a freaking windows pop-up now- P: Oh no D: -That is literally like blocking my-

  • -Freaking, can you, P: JUST GO AWAY D: Can you just- get lost?

  • P: Windows, more like no. D: Wind-no. Yoink. P: [whining] Oh I wanted to get that!

  • D: I need it more than you because I'm more likely to stay alive. Right-

  • -We've got two and a half minutes P: need to leave D: To leave this cave, before someone comes.