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  • I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

  • tell a very well known interviewer on television,

  • "I'm really getting into the Internet lately.

  • I just wish it were more organized."

  • So ...

  • (Laughter)

  • If I controlled the Internet,

  • you could auction your broken heart on eBay.

  • Take the money; go to Amazon;

  • buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to -- call folks at random

  • until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.

  • (Laughter)

  • If I were in charge of the Internet,

  • you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings.

  • Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied,

  • U-turn on silent treatment,

  • all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'.

  • You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

  • Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan,

  • but I still stretch miles in all directions.

  • If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

  • would be one big website.

  • That way you could listen to cool music

  • while you pretend to look for a job

  • and you're really just chattin' with your pals.

  • (Laughter)

  • Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.

  • (Laughter)

  • They would not email you back

  • (Laughter) --

  • but you'd get an automated reply.

  • (Laughter)

  • Their name in your inbox

  • (Laughter) --

  • it's all you wanted anyway.

  • And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you.

  • (Laughter)

  • Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy.

  • Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy."

  • If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop

  • of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword,

  • trashcan lid for a shield, shouting, "I am the emperor of oranges.

  • I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges."

  • Now follow me, OK?

  • (Laughter)

  • Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions.

  • One, two, three.

  • That links with hotdiggitydog.com.

  • That is my grandfather.

  • They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.

  • He forms an attachment to

  • kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,

  • who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges,

  • who grows up to be me --

  • the guy who usually goes too far.

  • So if I were emperor of the Internet,

  • I guess I'd still be mortal, huh?

  • But at that point, I would probably

  • already have the lowest possible mortgage

  • and the most enlarged possible penis

  • (Laughter) --

  • so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office.

  • I wouldn't need it.

  • I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me,

  • I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that --

  • pop! -- I'd go wireless.

  • (Laughter)

  • Huh? Maybe Google would hire this.

  • I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus

  • until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized

  • as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee,

  • you want to bet just how whack and un-PC

  • your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking

  • hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?

  • I guess it's just like life.

  • It is not a question of if you can --

  • it's: do ya?

  • We can interfere with the interface.

  • We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace

  • every lucky time we log on.

  • You don't say a prayer.

  • You don't write a psalm.

  • You don't chant an "om."

  • You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of

  • at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com.

  • Thank you, TED.

  • (Applause)

I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

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【TED】Rives: If I controlled the Internet (If I controlled the Internet | Rives)

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    Zenn posted on 2017/11/06
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