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  • [MONICA] Just try to think of nice, calm things

  • Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

  • Doorbells and sleighbells and something with mittens

  • La la la something.. ..with string

  • [RACHEL] I'm all better now!

  • I helped!

  • Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art

  • But your love, oh your love, your love...♪

  • ♪...is like a giant pigeon

  • crapping on my heart

  • New York City has no power And the milk is getting sour

  • But to me it is not scary

  • Cause I stay away from dairy

  • Hi, um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me..

  • ..this time of year.

  • ♪I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'♪

  • How was I supposed to know..♪

  • ♪..that my mom was dead in the kitchen?♪

  • My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes

  • are resting in a little yellow jar

  • And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy, and now I..♪

  • Excuse me! Excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys!

  • Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?

  • Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met

  • who's, um, come to be very important to me.

  • You don't have to be awake to be my man

  • As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand

  • Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say...♪

  • Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break

  • They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch

  • and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much

  • Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why

  • And you cry and you cry and you cry...♪

  • And you cry and you cry and you...♪

  • [PHOEBE] Thanks Ross!

  • [ROSS] Yeah. I'm paying you to stop

  • [ROSS & SUSAN] Help! Help!

  • They found their bodies the very next day

  • [ROSS & SUSAN] HELP!!

  • Stephanie...knows all the chords!♪

  • Um..hi..hello..hi! Ok

  • So, um, this is a song about a love triangle

  • between three people that I made up.

  • Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night"

  • There was a girl, we'll call her Betty

  • and a guy let's call him Neil.♪

  • Now I can't stress this point too strongly...this story isn't real.♪

  • Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside

  • Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?♪

  • Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Loolie?♪

  • He must decide! He must decide! Even though I made him up, he must decide!♪

  • [PHOEBE] Okay, um, I'm gonna play, um,

  • some songs about grandparents, okay?

  • Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes

  • she brought you a train and a bright, shiny bike

  • But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner

  • And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...♪

  • Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru

  • but the truth is she died and some day you will too

  • There'll be times when you get older

  • when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you

  • But Don't!♪

  • Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna doEverybody!

  • That's another thing that you don't wanna do

  • [MONICA] Excellent!

  • [CHANDLER] Very Informative!

  • [RACHEL] Not at all inappropriate!

  • Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo

  • Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up

  • And that's how we get hamburgers

  • Noooow, chickens!

  • Sometimes men love women

  • And sometimes men love men

  • and then there are bisexuals

  • though some just say they're kidding themselves

  • And a crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"♪

  • and the rest of the rats played maracas

  • [PHOEBE] That's it, thanks, good night!

  • [CHANDLER] ♪I’ll hold you close in my arms

  • ♪ I can’t resist your charms

  • [CHANDLER] ♪And love...♪

  • [CHANDLER] ♪And love...♪ [PHOEBE] ♪Love...♪

  • [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪I’ll be a fool for you

  • ♪I’m sure, you know I don’t mind

  • [CHANDLER] ♪Oh you know I don’t mind

  • [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪Yes!♪

  • You mean the world to me. Oh...♪

  • [CHANDLER] ♪I know

  • [CHANDLER] ♪I know♪ [PHOEBE] ♪I know

  • [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪I've found...in you

  • my..endless... lo--♪

  • [LESLIE] ♪My favorite shoes, so good to me

  • ♪I wear them everyday

  • Down at the heel, holes in the toes

  • Don’t care what people say

  • My feet’s best friends, pals to the end

  • With them I’m one hot chickie

  • Though late one night, not much light, I...♪

  • [PHOEBE] ♪..I stepped in something icky

  • [BOTH] ♪Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile

  • Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll.... ♪

  • avoid the..... pile

  • Jingle bitch screwed me over!♪

  • Go to hell jingle whore!♪

  • Go to hell Go to hell Go to hell-hell-hell

  • That's all I have so far

  • Crazy underwear, creepinup my butt

  • Crazy underwear, always in a rut

  • Crazy underwear..♪

  • Oh No! What is he doing here?

  • All right, just keep playing, just keep playing

  • Youll get through this, youll be fine

  • Okay, thank you!

  • And as always, no one talk to me after the show

  • ♪...fuchsia and mauve

  • Those are the 66 colors of my bedrooomm

  • Thank you, thank you!

  • And I invite you to count the colors in your bedroom

  • DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!!♪

  • Thank you!

  • My sticky shoe, my sticky-sticky shoe

  • why do you stick on me, ba-a-by!♪

  • Thanks for the lights honey

  • Parading goats are parading

  • Parading down the street

  • Parading goats are parading..♪

  • ♪..leaving little treats

  • And I'm still waiting for my papier-mâché man

  • Thank you my babies

  • Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair

  • Swinging with the greatest of ease…♪

  • Darn it! I don’t know how to get to the next verse

  • [ROSS] Oh, you could just go uh

  • greatest of easeBAHM-mana-mana-ma

  • And then go right into it

  • Happy Hanukkah, Monica!♪

  • May your Christmas be snowy, Joey!♪

  • Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross

  • Spin the dreidel, Rachel

  • Happy, happy Hanukkah, Chandler and Monica

  • Very merry…♪

  • Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs? I'm not Jewish

  • Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap

  • Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap

  • Said all you need is to write them a song

  • They haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along

  • So don't sing along

  • Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah

  • Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross

  • And please tell Joey...♪

  • Christmas will be snowwyyy!♪

  • And Rachel and Chandler!♪

  • ♪, have eerr-umm-handler!♪

  • Happy Holidays everybody!

  • Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? ♪

  • ♪I will buy you some Adidas

  • ♪I found you in my bed, how’d you wind up there? ♪

  • You are a mystery

  • Little black curly hair

  • Little black, little black

  • Little black curly hair

  • It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see

  • One of them won’t do it

  • But the second one will set you free!♪

  • Tell all your hate and anger

  • it’s time to say goodbye

  • And that is just what I will do

  • Soon as those bastards I work for die!♪

  • Twelve years old and addicted to pork

  • No one thought Monica would marry

  • She knew her way around the knife and the fork

  • First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay

  • But here I am singing.. on his wedding da-a-y!♪

  • [MONICA] Phoebe!

  • If you wouldve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay

  • Whenever I get married, guess who won’t be asked to sing?♪

  • Somebody named Geller And somebody else named Bing!!♪

  • We thought Phoebe would leave

  • but she just stayed and stayed

  • That’s right, I’m here all night,♪

  • and Chandler will never get l--♪

  • [CHANDLER] Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit.

  • Please sing at our wedding

  • Oh thank you!

  • Who will perform the ceremony?♪

  • Who will perform the cere-oh-oh-oh!♪

  • Rosssss can!♪

  • [ROSS] Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just--

  • Rossss can!♪

  • [ROSS] Phoebe, I--

  • Ross can...give me the tickets!♪

  • Ross can give me the tickets!!♪

  • [ROSS] Welllet’s just say

  • Ross caaaaan!♪

  • And there's a country called Argentina

  • It's a place I've never seen

  • But I'm told for fifty pesos

  • you can buy a human spleen

  • Human spleeeeen

  • Olè!

  • It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage!♪

  • Everyone!

  • It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbaage!♪

  • Classy, huh?

  • The food here at Javu...will kill you

  • Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi!♪

  • And that is the Swedish National Anthem

  • Thank you for asking

  • [PHOEBE] I've prepared a song for Emma

  • From my heart to hers

  • For there’s no greater gift.. than the gift of music

  • Emma!♪

  • Your name poses a dilemma

  • ♪'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma!♪

  • Maybe the actor Richard Crenna

  • He played the commanding officer in Rambo

  • Happy birthday Emma!♪

  • I feel like I'm in a musical!

  • When the sun comes up bright and beaming!♪

  • And the moon comes--♪

  • [RACHEL] Good morning!

  • Guess we'll never know how it ends

  • Okay, this is the part of the musical

  • where there'd be a really good convincing song

  • Bam-bam-bam, don't take no for an answer!♪

  • Don't let love fly away!♪

  • [RACHEL] Hi!

  • [PHOEBE] Can't a girl finish a song around here?

  • They won't take you to the vet

  • You're obviously not their favorite pet

  • Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It's not your fault!♪

  • [ROB] What?

  • [PHOEBE] Sorry!

  • [ROB] What's wrong with that?

  • I think you might wanna, like, pick a more masculine note

  • Smelly cat, Smelly Cat, What are they feeding you?♪

  • Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It's not your fault

  • Smelly cat! Smelly Cat!♪

  • Problem odor in the litter box? ♪What are they feeding you?♪

  • Don’t change your kitty!

  • change your kitty litterSmelly cat, smelly cat

  • It's not your fault!♪

  • Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, What are they feeding you?♪

  • This chick sounds good!

  • Smelly Cat, Smelly--♪

  • Hey Gunther, be a good little boy

  • and bring me a whiskey

  • Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?♪

  • Everybody!

  • [ALL]: ♪Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!♪

  • Monica!