Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [MONICA] Just try to think of nice, calm things ♪Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens♪ ♪Doorbells and sleighbells and something with mittens♪ ♪La la la something.. ..with string♪ [RACHEL] I'm all better now! I helped! ♪Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art♪ ♪But your love, oh your love, your love...♪ ♪...is like a giant pigeon♪ ♪crapping on my heart♪ ♪New York City has no power And the milk is getting sour♪ ♪But to me it is not scary♪ ♪Cause I stay away from dairy♪ Hi, um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me.. ..this time of year. ♪I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'♪ ♪How was I supposed to know..♪ ♪..that my mom was dead in the kitchen?♪ ♪My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes♪ ♪are resting in a little yellow jar♪ ♪And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy, and now I..♪ Excuse me! Excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group? Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met who's, um, come to be very important to me. ♪You don't have to be awake to be my man♪ ♪As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand♪ ♪Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say...♪ Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break ♪They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch♪ ♪and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much♪ ♪Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why♪ ♪And you cry and you cry and you cry...♪ ♪And you cry and you cry and you...♪ [PHOEBE] Thanks Ross! [ROSS] Yeah. I'm paying you to stop [ROSS & SUSAN] Help! Help! ♪They found their bodies the very next day♪ [ROSS & SUSAN] HELP!! ♪Stephanie...knows all the chords!♪ Um..hi..hello..hi! Ok So, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night" ♪There was a girl, we'll call her Betty♪ ♪and a guy let's call him Neil.♪ ♪Now I can't stress this point too strongly...this story isn't real.♪ ♪Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside♪ ♪Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?♪ ♪Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Loolie?♪ ♪He must decide! He must decide! Even though I made him up, he must decide!♪ [PHOEBE] Okay, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, okay? ♪Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes♪ ♪she brought you a train and a bright, shiny bike♪ ♪But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner♪ ♪And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...♪ ♪Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru♪ ♪but the truth is she died and some day you will too♪ ♪There'll be times when you get older♪ ♪when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you♪ ♪But Don't!♪ ♪Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do♪ Everybody! ♪That's another thing that you don't wanna do♪ [MONICA] Excellent! [CHANDLER] Very Informative! [RACHEL] Not at all inappropriate! ♪Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo♪ ♪Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up♪ ♪And that's how we get hamburgers♪ Noooow, chickens! ♪Sometimes men love women♪ ♪And sometimes men love men♪ ♪and then there are bisexuals♪ ♪though some just say they're kidding themselves♪ ♪And a crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"♪ ♪and the rest of the rats played maracas♪ [PHOEBE] That's it, thanks, good night! [CHANDLER] ♪I’ll hold you close in my arms♪ ♪ I can’t resist your charms♪ [CHANDLER] ♪And love...♪ [CHANDLER] ♪And love...♪ [PHOEBE] ♪Love...♪ [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪I’ll be a fool for you♪ ♪I’m sure, you know I don’t mind♪ [CHANDLER] ♪Oh you know I don’t mind♪ [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪Yes!♪ ♪You mean the world to me. Oh...♪ [CHANDLER] ♪I know♪ [CHANDLER] ♪I know♪ [PHOEBE] ♪I know♪ [CHANDLER & PHOEBE] ♪I've found...in you♪ ♪my..endless... lo--♪ [LESLIE] ♪My favorite shoes, so good to me♪ ♪I wear them everyday♪ ♪Down at the heel, holes in the toes♪ ♪Don’t care what people say♪ ♪ My feet’s best friends, pals to the end♪ ♪With them I’m one hot chickie♪ ♪Though late one night, not much light, I...♪ [PHOEBE] ♪..I stepped in something icky♪ [BOTH] ♪Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile♪ ♪Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll.... ♪ ♪avoid the..... pile♪ ♪Jingle bitch screwed me over!♪ ♪Go to hell jingle whore!♪ ♪Go to hell Go to hell Go to hell-hell-hell♪ That's all I have so far ♪Crazy underwear, creepin’ up my butt♪ ♪Crazy underwear, always in a rut♪ ♪Crazy underwear..♪ Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing You’ll get through this, you’ll be fine Okay, thank you! And as always, no one talk to me after the show ♪...fuchsia and mauve♪ ♪Those are the 66 colors of my bedrooomm♪ Thank you, thank you! And I invite you to count the colors in your bedroom ♪DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!!♪ Thank you! ♪My sticky shoe, my sticky-sticky shoe♪ ♪why do you stick on me, ba-a-by!♪ Thanks for the lights honey ♪Parading goats are parading♪ ♪Parading down the street♪ ♪Parading goats are parading..♪ ♪..leaving little treats♪ ♪And I'm still waiting for my papier-mâché man♪ Thank you my babies ♪Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair♪ ♪Swinging with the greatest of ease…♪ Darn it! I don’t know how to get to the next verse [ROSS] Oh, you could just go uh ♪greatest of ease… BAHM-mana-mana-ma♪ And then go right into it ♪Happy Hanukkah, Monica!♪ ♪May your Christmas be snowy, Joey!♪ ♪Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross♪ ♪Spin the dreidel, Rachel♪ ♪ Happy, happy Hanukkah, Chandler and Monica♪ ♪Very merry…♪ Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs? I'm not Jewish ♪Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap♪ ♪Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap♪ ♪Said all you need is to write them a song♪ ♪ They haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along♪ ♪So don't sing along♪ ♪Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah♪ ♪Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross♪ ♪And please tell Joey...♪ ♪Christmas will be snowwyyy!♪ ♪And Rachel and Chandler!♪ ♪, have eerr-umm-handler!♪ Happy Holidays everybody! ♪Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? ♪ ♪I will buy you some Adidas♪ ♪I found you in my bed, how’d you wind up there? ♪ ♪You are a mystery♪ ♪Little black curly hair♪ ♪Little black, little black♪ ♪Little black curly hair♪ ♪It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see♪ ♪One of them won’t do it♪ ♪But the second one will set you free!♪ ♪Tell all your hate and anger♪ ♪it’s time to say goodbye♪ ♪And that is just what I will do♪ ♪Soon as those bastards I work for die!♪ ♪Twelve years old and addicted to pork♪ ♪No one thought Monica would marry♪ ♪She knew her way around the knife and the fork♪ ♪First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay♪ ♪But here I am singing.. on his wedding da-a-y!♪ [MONICA] Phoebe! If you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay ♪Whenever I get married, guess who won’t be asked to sing?♪ ♪Somebody named Geller And somebody else named Bing!!♪ ♪We thought Phoebe would leave♪ ♪but she just stayed and stayed♪ ♪That’s right, I’m here all night,♪ ♪and Chandler will never get l--♪ [CHANDLER] Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding Oh thank you! ♪Who will perform the ceremony?♪ ♪Who will perform the cere-oh-oh-oh!♪ ♪Rosssss can!♪ [ROSS] Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just-- ♪Rossss can!♪ [ROSS] Phoebe, I-- ♪Ross can...give me the tickets!♪ ♪Ross can give me the tickets!!♪ [ROSS] Well…let’s just say… ♪Ross caaaaan!♪ ♪And there's a country called Argentina♪ ♪It's a place I've never seen♪ ♪But I'm told for fifty pesos♪ you can buy a human spleen ♪Human spleeeeen♪ Olè! ♪It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage!♪ Everyone! ♪It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbaage!♪ Classy, huh? ♪The food here at Javu...will kill you♪ ♪Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi!♪ And that is the Swedish National Anthem Thank you for asking [PHOEBE] I've prepared a song for Emma From my heart to hers For there’s no greater gift.. than the gift of music ♪Emma!♪ ♪Your name poses a dilemma♪ ♪'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma!♪ ♪Maybe the actor Richard Crenna♪ He played the commanding officer in Rambo ♪Happy birthday Emma!♪ I feel like I'm in a musical! ♪When the sun comes up bright and beaming!♪ ♪And the moon comes--♪ [RACHEL] Good morning! Guess we'll never know how it ends Okay, this is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song ♪Bam-bam-bam, don't take no for an answer!♪ ♪Don't let love fly away!♪ [RACHEL] Hi! [PHOEBE] Can't a girl finish a song around here? ♪They won't take you to the vet♪ ♪You're obviously not their favorite pet♪ ♪Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It's not your fault!♪ [ROB] What? [PHOEBE] Sorry! [ROB] What's wrong with that? I think you might wanna, like, pick a more masculine note ♪Smelly cat, Smelly Cat, What are they feeding you?♪ ♪Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It's not your fault♪ ♪Smelly cat! Smelly Cat!♪ Problem odor in the litter box? ♪What are they feeding you?♪ Don’t change your kitty! change your kitty litter ♪Smelly cat, smelly cat♪ ♪It's not your fault!♪ ♪Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, What are they feeding you?♪ This chick sounds good! ♪Smelly Cat, Smelly--♪ Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey ♪Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?♪ Everybody! [ALL]: ♪Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!♪ Monica!